Tag: Ryan Bellerose

The New York Times

OPINION: Nicholas Kristof Has Sex With Gerbils
You give me the sweetest taboo.

This is a very difficult moment for us at the Daily Freier. But in the interest of Integrity in Media, we cannot remain silent. For we are Journalists. Shining the Bright Light of Fact-Finding into the void. We MUST speak Truth to Power. So here goes…..

NICHOLAS KRISTOF HAS SEX WITH GERBILS. Yes. You heard it here first. Nicholas is chasing a certain furry friend around the hamster wheel and things are getting Frisky. Is it love? Who are we to judge. But to quote Mr. Kristof, “If this ain’t love, why does it feel so good?” Much like the New York Times, when we aren’t 100% sure of something we just throw it in the Opinion section. Just to be safe. Yet once again, we feel REALLY strongly that this story is true, and in the spirit of Nicholas Kristof, we got 14 people to agree with us. So there you go. But back to Nicholas Kristof Shtupping gerbils…..

We first spoke about this breaking news with Dr. Ryan Bellerose at the Northern Alberta Institute for Media Issues. Doctor Bellerose shared his research with the Daily Freier. “My cousin’s neighbor’s brother is Mr. Kristof’s dry cleaner. He says the stories are all true.” Ryan scratched his chin and looked into the distance for a moment. “Also, he saw Kristof at Blockbuster Video in 2003 renting ‘Pretty Woman’ starring Richard Gere.”

The Daily Freier then spoke with our Frenemies in the Anglo Themed Israel Satire World, Preoccupied Territory.  “I know a thing or two about this subject, and Kristof is cold busted.” noted Mr. Territory.”Those saying that a human-hamster coupling is anatomically impossible are in Denial.” Mr. Preoccupied then began furiously going through old texts on his phone. “Wait, do you think Michael Sfard And Jill Jacobs are going to sue me for this?“

“Ahoy There!”
“So are we just spinning our wheels?”

 

 

 

“I wish I knew how to quit you.”
“Disco Inferno!”

 

 

 

 

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The Jooz

Checkmate: Michael Moore says Protesters can’t be Anti-Semitic ‘because Palestinians are Semites’

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 1 May 2024 at 4:45 PM

Atlanta: Yesterday noted filmmaker/pundit/author/dick Michael Moore stopped the Pro-Israel movement dead in its tracks with one brilliant quip. While discussing the ongoing Campus Illegal Occupation Protests on CNN, Moore told Kaitlan Collins that the Campus Protesters can’t possibly be Anti-Semitic because…. and you may want to sit down for this Verbal Judo Move…. the Palestinians are Semites. Yes that’s right, a term invented by 19th Century German politician Wilhelm Marr to specifically describe his pseudo-scientific hatred of Jews now applies to Palestinians. Because reasons. Advocates for Israel were quick to surrender to Mr. Moore’s highly original thesis.

“I cannot counter this brand new argument that I have never heard until today.” lamented a despondent David Lange. “I was going to try to argue that Bernard Lewis destroyed this concept in the 1970’s. But who are you going to believe, some nobody who taught Islamic History for 50 years at Princeton or the Artistic Genius who directed Sicko?”

“My Life’s work is meaningless.” noted a mournful Brian of London. “So many years of advocacy were destroyed today by this brilliant logical truism that…. and I can’t stress this point enough… was never advanced by anybody until Michael Moore did so today.”

Yet not everyone in the Pro-Israel Community was convinced. “OK that’s the dumbest thing I’ve heard in weeks.” chortled Canadian Metis activist Ryan Bellerose. “I wonder which one of his 9 houses that this Man of the People was staying in when he did the interview.“

In other news, Israel is under intense media scrutiny after published reports accused the IDF of forcing Hamas detainees to watch ‘Bowling for Columbine‘ and then write a short movie review.