Tag: Tinder

Dating and Relationships, Dogs, Secret Tel Aviv November 29, 2017December 2, 2017

“Hey! Let’s write Fake News about a German guy & his Israeli husband who go on Secret Tel Aviv to get their prudish, legally blind, anti-social dog laid!”

*SPOILER ALERT: Everything in this Story is True.

SCENE: A pub somewhere in Central Tel Aviv. The Daily Freier staff are day-drinking.

Yuval Weiss, Editor: I’m bored. Let’s make something up. Fake News. You know what would be a great story? A German dancer moves to Tel Aviv.

Mia Deych: OK, but with his Israeli husband.

Aaron Pomerantz: And he has a dog!

Mark Levy: Her name is Sissi! But she hates most other dogs!

Yekutiel Bornstein: Yeah! But Sissi really has a heart of gold! I mean, she is only angry because of her hard-luck upbringing in an American puppy mill. Also, she used to live in Austria.

Lee Saunders: But she is also legally blind. Like, she once attacked a plastic bag that she mistook for another dog.

Chava Ewa: Maybe her owner thinks that Sissi is actually trapped in the wrong body and is really a chain-smoking, whiskey drinking bar brawler. Oh yeah, and he wants to write a book about it.

Mia: But one day she meets the dog of her dreams in Florentin. His name is Haim. And he lives near Levinsky Street.

Emily Goldstein: Yes! But then her owner goes on Secret Tel Aviv to try to find the missed connection!

Yuval: Guys, let’s be serious. People don’t just log onto Secret Tel Aviv in order to arrange romantic hookups for their pets. Wait…. never mind. I guess they do. So where were we?

Aaron: So in order to make this happen, Sissi’s owner supplies the Daily Freier with Glamour Pics! Like for Tinder. Only for Dogs!

Mark: (Scribbling in a notebook) OMG. Tinder for dogs! That is an Amazing idea for a Start-Up!

(Gets up to leave.) I gotta go Beta-Test this.

Yuval: OK Good. I think we have a story. Let’s get chasers.

Daily Freier satire Tel Aviv Israel Apple Store Tinder

Dating and Relationships, Start Up Nation March 4, 2017March 5, 2017

Tinder: 90% of all Tel Avivians’ fantasies involve city getting a real Apple Store

(This photo was not taken in Israel)

By Emily Goldstein and Mark Levy

Last Updated 3/4/2017 at 9:30 PM

Dizengoff Center: The popular dating App “Tinder” just announced a shocking revelation about its Israeli market: that fully 90% of all fantasies of users in Greater Tel Aviv involve Tel Aviv actually getting a real Apple Store. Not a knockoff. Not a place that “sends your computer to a lab”. A real Apple Store. Like with a Genius Bar. The Daily Freier went ahead and read some of the hotter testimonials.

A guy named Rami K., who just got busted at Ben Gurion trying to bring the new iPhone back from the States, went into some pretty graphic details. “So in my dream I meet these really hot twins at the beach. And they’re here on a MASA program. And they believe all of my lines about being a combat soldier and owning a Startup… And then they invite me back to their apartment. To ‘watch a movie’. But when I walk in, it’s actually an Apple Store….. and then they…. I’m sorry but this is just too freaky….They fix my MacBook Pro in less than 4 weeks and for less than the cost of buying a new one.”

Then there was Shlomi, who recently switched from trolling Secret Tel Aviv to Tinder. “So in my dream, I get transported to a place that calls itself ‘Startup Nation’. And in this dream, people don’t fly to America to buy a MacBook Air because….. I mean this is kind of weird right?….. the cost of the MacBook Air in Startup Nation is less than the combined cost of the MacBook Air in New York plus a flight ticket….is there like something wrong with me or something?”

The Daily Freier even found out that one of the people sharing their deepest secrets was our very own Guest Writer Mia Deych. “So I keep having this incredibly vivid dream where I meet this guy. And he takes me on an actual date. Like he pays for it and everything. In Tel Aviv. Weird, right? And after dinner we go for a walk and somehow end up in Dizengoff Center Mall. And instead of that ridiculous ‘I-Store’ there was a real no-kidding Apple Store. With helpful and knowledgeable employees. And big giant windows. And they had the latest Apple TV. Oh, and at the end of the dream we were able to find our way out of Dizengoff Center.”

Welcome to Israel.

Dating and Relationships, Tel Aviv Living September 11, 2016September 30, 2016

“Tal, do you love me?” “I’m Sorry, what was the question?”

(photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 9/11/2016 at 1:00 PM

Tel Aviv: A million years removed from The Shtetl and Fiddler on the Roof, a survey this week underlined the relationship issues facing many Tel Avivians in the modern Internet Age: An inability to sustain relationships and concentrate on one person at a time as the nation faces an increasingly worrying marriage and demographic crisis.

The Government’s survey of 21-45 year-olds showed 83% of all respondents from Ramat Aviv to Bat Yam reported issues of commitment with many asking the lovely non-judgmental question of “Why are you still single?” on the first date. This was widely considered the death knell for a second date at Cofix.

“I thought it was a pretty legitimate question.” noted Adina, 21. “I mean he WAS 24. And he’s been back from India for almost a year now.”

Anat (40, Givatayim, Pisces) has been one-too-many times on the receiving end of the ever-charming “Why haven’t you had kids yet?“. So last week while on a second date with a serious Sephardi named Itzhik (35, Petach Tivkvah, Bored) she just snapped. “So he asked me why I don’t have kids yet… And I told him that I wasn’t allowed to keep the ones I found loitering outside the AM:PM Store. Apparently he didn’t appreciate the joke…. But at least I was polite. When my cousin Gal’s boyfriend asked her about having children, she told him that she quite liked the way her ‘downstairs’ looked and certainly didn’t want a damn extension.”

But it gets worse. When 24-year old Tali (Neve Tzedek, Aries, Broke) begged to know why 29-year old Liran (His Parents’ House in Ramat Gan) was not in a serious relationship, she was not impressed with his reply that while he enjoyed the thrill of the chase, he only just now realized that Pokemon wasn’t real.

The Internet, which has given birth to a raft of dating apps from Tinder to Grindr, is Cupid’s favorite arrow in Tel Aviv. Yet things seem much better in Jerusalem where couples as young as 36 were celebrating their first child’s ~~Wedding~~ Bar Mitzvah. Maybe it is time for the return of the Matchmaker.

Save

Dating and Relationships, ISIS, Start Up Nation September 8, 2016September 25, 2016

Tel Aviv Startup Launches ‘Al-Qaedate”: a dating App for the Lonely Jihadists of the Sinai

By Mia Deych, Mark Levy, and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 9/8/2016 at 3:20 PM

Sinai Peninsula: A Tel Aviv-based startup has launched a hot new dating app called Al-Qaedate. At first blush, it seems to be quite similar to Tinder (pictures, swiping, matching, chatting), but as explained to us by one of the developers, Ido, it’s obviously NOT.

“The dating scene in Sinai is quite hot, but the opportunities are dry.” explained Ido as we met him for a cup of coffee near Azrieli Center. “That’s why we launched Al-Qaedate. One of the key features of the app is that it’s designed for both sheep and human, and they have equal opportunities to swipe left or un-match those whose behavior turns shady or inappropriate.”

Just to be sure, The Daily Freier went down to the dusty paths of Sinai to find out what’s going on for ourselves. Once there, we met up with recent ISIS recruit Achmad, a big fan of the app. Achmad introduced us to his current sheepfriend, whom he met thanks to the new app. She asked to be referred to in this story by her Online Profile “WadiGirlRepresenting” because her family is “like super old-school“. WadiGirl explained what drew her to the app. “Guys around here are ridiculous. This one guy seemed nice, but he swiped right on me and then the next week on one of my girlfriends from back at the Oasis. I mean, we’re in the same flock…..We talk.” Then WadiGirl’s conversation turned to a more serious subject. “I just got out of a toxic relationship with a guy from al-Nusra” she disclosed as her voice cracked. “I’m looking for someone who has real feelings and respects me as a sheep, not as someone just to pass time with.” Achmad encouragingly hugged WadiGirl and whispered something in her ear.

Other members of ISIS have high expectations on the new app, too. “I used to be on Tinder, but most of the sheep look nothing like their pictures.” noted Hasan. “No full body shots, just angles and side views. Or pictures with their girlfriends from the same flock. How can I guess who she is? And why do they always write ‘Serious Guys Only?’ I’m not ready for commitment. I mean, life’s been hectic recently…..drone strikes, schisms within Jihadist organizations based on whether to immediately pursue a Caliphate, stuff like that. I just hope this new app offers more choices.”

Back in Tel Aviv, we confronted the Management of Al-Qaedate for aiding the Enemy and told them that they were bringing more shame to Israel than any other business. But then they reminded us about FOREX.

Save

Dating and Relationships, Tel Aviv Living August 3, 2016November 3, 2019

Couch thrown away by Tel Aviv woman now in Tinder Date’s living room

By Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 8/3/2016 at 1:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Bialik Street: A complex yet disturbing chain of events played out last night in Tel Aviv that culminated in a woman discovering that the “gross” couch that she threw away on Friday has somehow found a new home in the living room of her Tinder date. Rothschild-Area Web Designer Tamar B. found herself face to face with her former couch at the end of an evening spent getting drinks with local guy Eitan C. This morning Tamar described the chain of events to the Daily Freier.

“I threw it away because it’s disgusting. My old housemate Noa loved it, but apparently not enough to bring it with her when she moved out. I even waited 24 hours after she left before I got rid of that thing, just in case she came back for it. It was so gross that my Vaad Bayit wouldn’t even take it.”

Tamar expressed total disappointment with her date’s acquisition of the former couch. “This sucks. He seemed normal. I mean not ‘normal normal‘, but like ‘Tel Aviv normal‘: like he seems sane and I think he has a job and I’m kinda sure he’s straight. Actually, I’m sure he’s straight because that chair is a stylistic Hate Crime.”

When the evening led back to Eitan’s place “so he could make me a special coffee with cardamom that he learned how to make in Morocco“, Tamar experienced the horror of confronting her ex-furniture. “It was traumatic. He immediately lost 10 points. What’s worse is that he claimed he got it at an antique shop in Yafo. I mean…really? I just don’t get it. Why do these things always happen to me?”

While Tamar has been mum on the final outcome of yesterday’s evening, sources within her circle of girlfriends spoke with the Daily Freier under condition of anonymity and shared screenshots of Tamar’s texts from last night

Save

Aliyah, Dating and Relationships, Guest Writer Wednesday May 18, 2016November 28, 2017

Ukrainian Olah suspects Israeli-American boyfriend is actually just Israeli

(Based on a True Story! Almost!)

By Mia Deych

Last Updated 5/11/2016 at 10:00 AM

Bat Yam: Ukrainian Olah Natasha G. moved to Bat Yam four months ago to find a husband. “My grandma Baba told me Jews are good husbands.” explained Natasha as she shopped at Azrieli mall. “Baba knows what she is talking about – one of her husbands was a Jew.” Natasha stopped for a moment to fix her pink lipstick. “So, I met this guy on OkCipud. It’s not like Tinder or anything. OkCupid is for serious relationships, right?” Natasha arched her freshly drawn eyebrows. “So his name is Omer and he wrote in his profile that he lives in New York, and he told me that he is an Israeli-American and runs a start-up. I thought to myself – this is destiny!”

“We’ve been together for a month, but I started suspecting his story because his English sucks. Not that mine was perfect, but if he was an Israeli-American, he would be kinda fluent in English, right?” The Daily Freier Guest Reporter didn’t have a chance to find out what was wrong with Mr. Omer the Boyfriend’s English, because Natasha saw a special offer “Second item – half price” and we lost her somewhere in H&M.

To find out the truth, the Freier Guest Reporter stalked Omer on Facebook and met him for a beer (“to sit on the beer” as he explained). “U spik Hibrow, no?” inquired Omer. “Hawo much taym U heer?” Omer told me he always says to non-Americans that he is half American. “The idea of an extra passport doesn’t hurt.” said Omer winking. We wanted to ask Omer what happens if a girl finds out but he saw his old army friend in the other corner of the bar and ran to him screaming “Ma kore, achi?!?” so we had to spend the rest of the evening swiping pictures on Tinder.

Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.