Brooklyn: Experts are baffled by a young secular Yiddish enthusiast who doesn’t appear to be suffering from “Daddy Issues” or a serious dislike for a certain country in the Levant that’s full of Jews.
“I guess I just like speaking the language. Is that weird or something?” explained Grad Student David S. “There is some amazing theater from the early 20th Century that doesn’t quite translate into English…. also now I can understand when my grandparents are making fun of me.“
News of David’s non-ideological stand for Yiddish is definitely making some waves. “So that’s it huh?” complained Talia L., a spokesperson for the Brooklyn Socialist Workers Democratic Bund. “He needs to educate himself. Yiddish is a tool of de-colonization. As a Jew, I am indigenous to the Pale of Settlement…. but some Jews are also indigenous to Spain.“
The Daily Freier wandered around Williamsburg until we ran into a Blogger/Independent Journalist named Michael, who expressed skepticism about David’s story. “No estranged relationship with his parents or the synagogue he grew up in? No angry letters to the Editor of the Forward? Never publicly stormed off a Birthright trip? This really doesn’t add up.”
In an effort to avoid further controversy, David said that henceforth he would pretend to be Ba’al Tshuva and/or nuts.
Beit Shemesh: A recent immigrant to Israel is currently chasing her dream: to be named this year’s Most Annoying Convert to Judaism. Rakhel (NOT Rachel) is hopeful, but she knows the competition is tight. You see, converting to Judaism is about as simple as trying to move money from your bank branch in Tel Aviv to your bank branch in Haifa on the same day that you convert your American driver’s license while lacking your complete driving history since the age of 16. So the people who actually follow through on the whole Balagan in order to join the Most Hated Group of People on Earth™ tend to be…..ummm…. really driven. And umm….. really focused on letting you know just how Jewish they are. Anyhoo, the Daily Freier was also able to speak with some of her friends from before her conversion was complete.
“I love spending time with Rakhel and I’m so proud of her.” explained her old friend Devorah. “But ‘Baruch Hashem, I caught the bus at 5:00 Baruch HaShem.’ Yeah, I get it. Baruch HaShem….. Also last time she stopped by my house, she dropped off some pre-cut toilet paper, for just in case she’s ever here on Shabbat.”
In addition the Daily Freier spoke with George, a gentile co-worker who has known Rakhel for 6 years. “I don’t really understand Judaism, but I know that Jewish people always sell me their bread on Pesach and buy it back the next week. And I’m fine with that.” he explained. “But this year after Rakhel sold me her bread, she refused to buy it back the next week because she had stopped eating that hechscher.”
Finally, we were able to meet up with Rakhel after she finished buying a bunch of vegetables at the Shuk that she intends to cook into a stew and store in her second freezer before she serves it to you at a Shabbat lunch 11 months from now.
“I never thought I had a chance.” explained Rakhel as we sipped coffee in a cafe with a hechscher that is more strict than your cafe’s hechscher. “But then Neta won Eurovision and now I know that anything is possible if a girl puts her mind to it…… you know, it wouldn’t hurt Neta to dress a little more Tznius.”
We also decided to split a slice of carrot cake, and when it arrived Rakhel made the brachos. Really loud. Really Really loud. As the conversation continued, the Daily Freier noticed the sheer volume of Yiddish terms that Rakhel was inserting into the conversation, which was weird because she converted in a Sephardic Community. Also, she told the bewildered Coca Cola delivery guy that she was Shomeret Negiyah.
“This Derech has not been easy.” admonished Rakhel. “I had to give away all of my old dishes because they were once used for treif. Also the table that the dishes once rested on. And the clothes I once wore while eating treif. And oh yeah I needed to move apartments….. because treif.”
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Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.
By Yekutiel Bornstein