Tag: Chava Ewa

Olah Hadashah competing to be named ‘Israel’s Most Annoying Convert 2018’

Daily FreierBy Yekutiel Bornstein & Chava Ewa

Last Updated 5/18/2018 at 12:30 PM

Beit Shemesh: A recent immigrant to Israel is currently chasing her dream: to be named this year’s Most Annoying Convert to Judaism. Rakhel (NOT Rachel) is hopeful, but she knows the competition is tight. You see, converting to Judaism is about as simple as trying to move money from your bank branch in Tel Aviv to your bank branch in Haifa on the same day that you convert your American driver’s license while lacking your complete driving history since the age of 16. So the people who actually follow through on the whole Balagan in order to join the Most Hated Group of People on Earth™ tend to be…..ummm…. really driven. And umm….. really focused on letting you know just how Jewish they are. Anyhoo, the Daily Freier was also able to speak with some of her friends from before her conversion was complete.

I love spending time with Rakhel and I’m so proud of her.” explained her old friend Devorah. “But ‘Baruch Hashem, I caught the bus at 5:00 Baruch HaShem.’ Yeah, I get it. Baruch HaShem….. Also last time she stopped by my house, she dropped off some pre-cut toilet paper, for just in case she’s ever here on Shabbat.”

In addition the Daily Freier spoke with George, a gentile co-worker who has known Rakhel for 6 years. “I don’t really understand Judaism, but I know that Jewish people always sell me their bread on Pesach and buy it back the next week. And I’m fine with that.” he explained. “But this year after Rakhel sold me her bread, she refused to buy it back the next week because she had stopped eating that hechscher.”

Finally, we were able to meet up with Rakhel after she finished buying a bunch of vegetables at the Shuk that she intends to cook into a stew and store in her second freezer before she serves it to you at a Shabbat lunch 11 months from now.

I never thought I had a chance.” explained Rakhel as we sipped coffee in a cafe with a hechscher that is more strict than your cafe’s hechscher.  “But then Neta won Eurovision and now I know that anything is possible if a girl puts her mind to it…… you know, it wouldn’t hurt Neta to dress a little more Tznius.

We also decided to split a slice of carrot cake, and when it arrived Rakhel made the brachos. Really loud. Really Really loud.  As the conversation continued, the Daily Freier noticed the sheer volume of Yiddish terms that Rakhel was inserting into the conversation, which was weird because she converted in a Sephardic Community. Also, she told the bewildered Coca Cola delivery guy that she was Shomeret Negiyah.

This Derech has not been easy.” admonished Rakhel. “I had to give away all of my old dishes because they were once used for treif. Also the table that the dishes once rested on. And the clothes I once wore while eating treif. And oh yeah I needed to move apartments….. because treif.”

 

 

 

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Yeshiva Student’s delinquent phone bill almost crashes Israeli Economy

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 4/9/2018 at 10:30 PM

Jerusalem: In a tale reminiscent of the classic Passover song “Had Gadya”, the entire Israeli economy came precariously close to collapse on Erev Pesach because of a Yeshiva student’s delinquent cell phone bill. “I didn’t realize our economy was so fragile and that everything could be wrecked by one flaky guy.” noted Karnit Flug, Governor of the Bank of Israel. “Or maybe I should have known better than to depend on an 18-year old Yeshiva Bachur.

The near-miss economic meltdown started when Yeshiva (No, not THAT Yeshiva) student Shimmy R. failed to pay his phone bill for several months. “I was really absorbed in my Torah studies, so I just kinda forgot.” explained Shimmy. “What I mean is, a few guys from my dorm went to Tzfat to learn with this amazing kabbalist and um… there was some awesome weed and um…. then suddenly I get a frantic call from my cellphone company telling me that they are going bankrupt unless I pay my bill immediately.

As a result of Shimmy’s delinquent bill, Pelephone, the Israeli company providing his cellphone plan was unable to make payroll. “We’ve been in the minus for months… you know, like all Israelis.” explained Pelephone Spokesperson Yisroel B. “So when we didn’t get our money from Shimmy, we fell into the really bad minus… like minus minus… and couldn’t pay our employees.

As a result, none of their employees were able to do their weekly shopping. “We have seven kids, so I’m always WORKING!” Programmer Hillel K. explained. “I mean, I need to pay hundreds of shekels a week for yogurt alone!” Consequently, grocery chain Osher Ad found itself short of funds and unable to pay its suppliers. “We’re in the minus sometimes.” explained Osher Ad manager Meir P. “But somehow this past month, we fell into the really bad minus and the bank couldn’t extend our credit to pay Osem and Strauss and all those food companies.

As a result of their unpaid invoices, the major Israeli food manufacturers were unable to meet their obligations to the tax authority. “So, we skipped a month of paying Maas Hachnasah, what’s the big deal? Doesn’t everyone do it?” explained Yossi K., lead accountant for Osem Foods. “Israel is a big country with lots of taxpayers, so it’s not like the whole Bank of Israel was waiting on us to pay our taxes, right? That’s just crazy.”

So yeah, I’m not sure how it happened exactly, but yes, the entire Israeli economy fell into the minus… like the really serious kind of minus” noted Ms. Flug. “And we were counting on the cash from Osem to keep funding the government and yeah…it almost didn’t happen.

In a dramatic twist, Shimmy finally did stumble out of his stupor and paid his cellphone bill and the cellphone company did pay their employees and the employees did go to Osher Ad and Osher Ad did get enough revenue to pay its suppliers and the suppliers did make their tax payments to the government and the government did have enough to get out of the minus….at least for this month.

Had Gadya
Had Gadya

Who says you need Hebrew to land a high-paying job?

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 2/27/2018 at 10:30 PM

Beit Shemesh: Finally, a job that understands me! “ Dovid C., a Ramat Beit Shemesh resident enthused about a cryptic job posting which appeared on Janglo, Secret Jerusalem and Keep Olim in Israel. The post, which received 20,000 hits in the first two minutes after it was posted, promised a high salary, short work hours and stipulated no other qualifications other than the ability to speak English. Curiously enough, applicants were also asked to send a current photo and a list of favorite restaurants.

I have a lot to offer employers, I mean, I speak English….. that’s worth a lot, I deserve to be paid at least as much as someone with a master’s degree… because I speak English!” said Dovid, who has extensive job experience as a dog walker, a waiter for his uncle’s catering company and as a Bar Mitzvah tutor. Also, as he reminded the Daily Freier, he speaks English. Therefore, Dovid, along with thousands of other hopefuls, confidently sent in his application.

The Daily Freier did some investigating (OK, we admit it… we sent in a resume too.) and discovered that the job posting was a ruse concocted by Rivky J., a shadchanit. “So, I have this really cute single cousin in Netanya. But she’s a little shy, so I thought this would be a great way to find some guys to introduce her to.” she explained. “By the way, that’s us in the picture above.

Well the people of Israel did not take this deception very well at all. In fact, the reaction was quite swift, starting with a leading high-tech staffing firm in the Mercaz, who offered Rivky a job as a recruiter, citing her keen abilities in make false promises and lead people on. “I don’t want to be a recruiter!” Rivky protested. “All the guys I interviewed kept talking about what they expected… gluten-free cappuccino and organic cotton office chairs. I’d rather stick to a field where people have realistic expectations… you know, like shidduchim.

Following Canada’s lead, Israel to replace HaTikva with “more inclusive” anthem

By Chava Ewa and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 2/6/2018 at 5:00 PM

Jerusalem: The search is on for a new Israeli national anthem: one which is inclusive, sensitive and non-offensive. A source in the Prime minister’s office tells the Daily Freier that the Prime minister was inspired by Canadian Prime Minister Justin Zoolander Trudeau’s bold move of altering Canada’s national anthem to gender-neutral wording (yes… really.) “Hatikva is a pretty song, but it fails to take into account the people who actually don’t have hope…. you know, like people holding for Hot Cable’s Customer Service, the people waiting for Tel Aviv’s light rail, and your friend who is still stuck at the Department of Motor Vehicles in Beit Shemesh.” noted Ari S., an aide in the Prime Minister’s Public Relations Office.  “And what about the line “Ayin l’tzion tsofiya“… it’s so insensitive to the Blind!”

Bibi is obsessed with Canada.” Ari explained. “He’s kinda jealous of all the attention Canadian Prime minister Justin Trudeau gets… and Justin’s majestic head of hair.” Ari revealed that the Prime minister called an all-night staff meeting to determine why Canada is popular and Israel isn’t. “Somebody suggested that the difference in popularity was due to… you know…. the latent worldwide climate of Anti-Semitism… but that got shot down when one of Bibi’s assistants brought up the fact that Israeli ice hockey still sucks and that it’s difficult to find good poutine in the Mercaz, let alone in the periphery.

The new inclusive, gender-neutral, non-discriminatory national anthem is currently being recorded as a duet by Dana International and Noa. And in a cool tie-in, on the same day as the release of the single, the Wildlife Authority will release a herd of moose into the Golan Heights. “This is going to be the most Canadian thing ever.” explained Ari. “More Canadian than Gordon Lighfoot and Shania Twain drunk-driving a Zamboni machine into a Tim Horton’s.”

Drake had no comment.

“Is she Shomre Negiyah or does she just think you’re gross?” A guide for the perplexed

The Daily Freier explores Judaism(Photo Credit: The Cornelia Foundation)

By Chava Ewa and Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 12/21/2017 at 1:00 PM

Tel Aviv: It’s the question that so many men are asking today: Is she Shomer Negiya or does she just not want to touch me?” Avi G., an office worker from Givatayim is unwilling to admit that Roni, his new co-worker is simply ‘not into him’.  At all. “She must be some sort of religious fanatic who won’t touch men.” lamented Avi. “I mean, why else would she refuse to give me a hug?

The Daily Freier sat down with Roni at Cafe Aroma for a nice girl chat, and she admitted that although she isn’t actually religious, a bit of Yiddishkeit is actually a good reason to avoid awkward social interactions with creepy male co-workers. “Avi is loud and tells bad jokes and his cologne smells like the inside of Tel Aviv’s central bus station.” she said “He kept inviting me for coffee, but he stopped since I told him that all the coffee shops around here have a bad hecscher. He tries to hug me, so I told him that shomer negiyah is very important to me.” Roni, who now goes by her new Hebrew name “Neshama Emunah Temima“, admits that pretending to be religious has lots of other perks. “I told my boss that I needed the day off for the fast of Asara b’Teves and he agreed…. I don’t think he even knows what the fast of Asara b’Teves is, but you know, it sounds plausible and hey… it’s a day off!

In addition to the workplace, Roni’s status as a sort-ofbaalat teshuva has proven invaluable in other spheres of life as well. “My roommate just got back from India and thinks that she’s a curry expert now… So pretending to keep Kosher is the nicest way to avoid eating her garbage kitchen experiments.” she explained. 

Yet this new life did not come easy. “I took the bus to Jerusalem so I could to meet up with my frum American cousin Esty who is spending the year doing Sem. And I just followed her around for the day so I could copy what she wears and a few key phrases. Now I just pepper my conversation with phrases like Shidduchim, Refuah shelaima…. and a bunch of other things she showed me on A Sem Girl Says!

Epilogue: Roni‘s co-workers have been very supportive of her new religious identity, although Fabricio, a former model and recent Oleh from Spain “with the really cute accent” was disappointed. “She seemed like a fun girl and I wanted to ask her out to the new bracelet bar. But you know…. I think she’s too religious. So instead I went with Maygal the Freicha office temp from Ashdod.

“They want me to make Yerida because they want my Stuff!” Canadian Oleh now suspicious of his friends

They want me to make Yerida because they want my stuff by the Daily FreierBy Chava Ewa

Last Updated 12/10/2017 at 1:30 PM

Ra’anabananarama: A Canadian Oleh has begun to suspect that his friends are subtly trying to get him to leave Israel so they can get a bargain on his stuff. “I complained on Facebook about a rude clerk at Misrad Hapnim.” David S. said. “What else do you do? You go to the ‘Keep Olim in Israel’ page to kvetch and wait for everyone to invalidate your complaints, tell you to learn more Hebrew, call you a bad Zionist and remind you how difficult things were in 1974 when they did Aliyah. I complained about the clerk and then in frustration said that maybe I should just leave the country.”

Oddly enough, David’s friends began to leave supportive comments about how he shouldn’t put up with such nonsense…. and asking whether he was planning to take his stereo, futon, electric bike, and yoga mats with him when he went back to Toronto.

Maybe I’m just being paranoid.” confided David. “But my best friend Avi saw my post, so he came over with beer. He was very supportive when I was complaining…..maybe too supportive….. He kept telling me that I don’t deserve such abuse, that maybe I’d be better off back in Canada. When I went to the kitchen to get some napkins, I thought I saw him measuring my couches…. that’s weird, right?

They’re lovely couches.” Avi admitted. “The last time I saw such nice couches was at Phillipe’s moving sale. Phillipe? He was my best friend until he moved back to France after a clerk from Bituach Leumi yelled at him….. really nice guy though. You see that bookcase? That was his….also the coffee maker. Oh and that area rug, which really just pulls the whole room together.

Avi admitted to the Daily Freier that he may have encouraged Phillipe to go back. “Look, if someone treats you badly, you gotta boycott! The only way government agencies will make a change is if Olim stop using them… you know, complain on Facebook and then leave the country in a huff!

The Daily Freier wanted to try to talk David out of his rash decision, but then we saw his futon, which is almost brand new and would be the first thing in our apartment that we didn’t find on the sidewalk.

“Hey! Let’s write Fake News about a German guy & his Israeli husband who go on Secret Tel Aviv to get their prudish, legally blind, anti-social dog laid!”

*SPOILER ALERT: Everything in this Story is True.

SCENE: A pub somewhere in Central Tel Aviv. The Daily Freier staff are day-drinking.

Yuval Weiss, Editor:  I’m bored. Let’s make something up. Fake News. You know what would be a great story? A German dancer moves to Tel Aviv.

Mia Deych: OK, but with his Israeli husband.

Aaron Pomerantz: And he has a dog!

Mark Levy: Her name is Sissi! But she hates most other dogs!

Yekutiel Bornstein: Yeah! But Sissi really has a heart of gold! I mean, she is only angry because of her hard-luck upbringing in an American puppy mill. Also, she used to live in Austria.

Lee Saunders: But she is also legally blind. Like, she once attacked a plastic bag that she mistook for another dog.

Chava Ewa: Maybe her owner thinks that Sissi is actually trapped in the wrong body and is really a chain-smoking, whiskey drinking bar brawler. Oh yeah, and he wants to write a book about it.

Mia: But one day she meets the dog of her dreams in Florentin. His name is Haim. And he lives near Levinsky Street.

Emily Goldstein: Yes! But then her owner goes on Secret Tel Aviv to try to find the missed connection!

Yuval: Guys, let’s be serious. People don’t just log onto Secret Tel Aviv in order to arrange romantic hookups for their pets. Wait…. never mind. I guess they do. So where were we?

Aaron: So in order to make this happen, Sissi’s owner supplies the Daily Freier with Glamour Pics! Like for Tinder. Only for Dogs!

Mark: (Scribbling in a notebook) OMG. Tinder for dogs! That is an Amazing idea for a Start-Up!

(Gets up to leave.) I gotta go Beta-Test this.

Yuval: OK Good. I think we have a story. Let’s get chasers.