Tag: Chava Ewa

Trapped in Quarantine, Daily Freier forced to satirize itself

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 3/24/2020 at 5:44 PM

Tel Aviv: As the Corona Virus drives life as we know it to a halt, one of the sectors hardest hit has been Anglo-infused Israeli satire. The Daily Freier, long a leader in this field, has found itself devoid of inspiration as its authors wander the confines of their homes muttering to themselves and suffering collective Writers Block. Forced to cannibalize themselves satirically, the Writers Collective known as The Daily Freier slowly descends into madness. And The Daily Freier was on the scene to cover it!

How can I make Dizengoff Center jokes if I can’t leave my home…. I have literally nothing to say.” complained Aaron Pomerantz. “Wait, does that make me shallow?” Aaron poured some whiskey into his Coffee Hafuch and appeared to have an epiphany. “Hey, maybe I can make fun of my Vaad Bayit and the way he puts out the trash cans!

Meanwhile, the Daily Freier’s correspondent in Judea and Samaria, Chava Ewa, was struggling to fit in writing while trying to home-school her 7 children and her husband. “The kids only stop fighting when they are hungry, which is actually fine because they eat about 14 times a day. Also the makolet cashier thinks that I’m hoarding food because I come every day and buy 4 bags of milk and two boxes of cornflakes, but…ummm…. 7 kids?” Chava turned on the TV news and suddenly found inspiration. “Hmmm, the Corona unit in the hospital…. is it quiet? They cook for you? …No kids? That doesn’t sound half bad.

The Daily Freier then checked in with our correspondent Lee Saunders, but he was home in Manchester nattering on about the weather and driving his mom insane and we weren’t able to get any actual statement from him.

Yet there was some good news. Our Dating & Relationships correspondents Mia Deych and Emily Goldstein reported in that they are hard at work writing up a story on Secret Tel Aviv’s dramatic turn toward becoming a Corona Virus Dating Site (Editor’s Note: We are really really doing this. Stay tuned).

 

 

 
Advertisements

“No I can’t describe her appearance… she’s a woman!” Jerusalem bank robber escapes again

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 1/29/2020 at 1:30 PM

Jerusalem, Har Nof: Everyone saw her, but nobody looked!” Police detective Motti F. described his exasperation at trying to catch Jerusalem’s most prolific female bank robber. The sheitel-clad thief dubbed “HaGiveret” by police, has successfully perpetrated a series of brazen robberies in Jerusalem’s religious neighborhoods, leaving behind many male witnesses but nobody who can actually identify her… because that would mean… you know… men admitting that they were actually looking at a woman.

Detective Motti explained. “Our police sketch artist used to work for Mishpacha Magazine, he’s great at drawing male criminals, but when he sat with witnesses to the robberies, all the sketches he produced had blurred-out faces! Honestly, this is worse than when I worked in Tel Aviv and tried to find a bike thief who wore a hipster beard.”

A witness to one robbery described the scene. “She walked into the bank and yelled that she had a gun, and nobody was afraid of her. But then, she started singing along to the elevator music and someone cried out ‘Kol Isha! Assur!‘ and everyone ran away. She had plenty of time to take all the money….and the rugelach in the break room.

Working on a tip that the suspect had fled into a certain apartment building, police knocked on doors and gathered a group of suspects for a police lineup (OK, they needed to look busy so they just rounded up a few random religious women… because who else but a master criminal needing to disguise their identity would own several wigs?) Local resident Raizy D. described the momentary panic that ensued. “When all those men with guns stormed in, we thought they were from the tax authority… that they had heard about my unlicensed mishpachton or Blumie’s cash-only catering business or the store in Ruchi’s machsan. Anyhow, none of us are that bank robber lady, we wouldn’t do that! Imagine…. religious people breaking the law like that!

Oleh who escaped Dizengoff Center now trapped in Jerusalem’s Binyan Clal

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 1/22/2020 at 4:30 PM

Jerusalem, Clal Building: Would you believe it? The first week after I made Aliyah, I’m trapped in a building again!” said Zachary F, an American college student who once got lost in Dizengoff Center. “My neighbor told me to go to a Government office in Binyan Clal. At first I thought he was pranking me…it looked like an abandoned building… but then I saw the security guard … and that was the last time I saw daylight for the past two weeks.

Since then, Zachary has been wandering up and down the stone staircases, looking for signs or directions or even windows to orient himself (spoiler alert: there are no windows), stopping occasionally to check if there’s wi-fi where he’s standing (spoiler alert: no wi-fi can penetrate the building’s thick stones) and living off stale food from the vending machines.

I tried to find a store to ask for directions. I mean, there’s storefronts here, but it seems like they’re never open or boarded up… except for that sleazy looking sex shop over there and I’m too embarrassed to go inside.” he said. Zachary is hopeful that one day soon, someone will actually walk into the Clal Building and he can get directions. “Just so you know, when I get out, I’m going to complain about this on my Aliyah Blog!

The Daily Freier confirmed that the Clal Building did actually contain the Misrad Habinui Vhashikun (rental assistance office) which Zachary was seeking out. We also learned that it was built by the same architect who designed the Dimona Reactor (No. Really.)

Before we said our goodbyes, we asked Zachary if he had any messages that he wanted to convey to the Authorities. “This building is so dilapidated and old, I don’t understand why the Government is using such antiquated facilities… It’s so unlike them!

We want Moshiach Now! …but not like “Now” Now

(photo credit: we got this from a government website so we should be OK)

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 1/12/2020 at 11:30 AM

Jeru: Comfortable American Olim are definitely NOT looking forward to giving up their Pesach tzimmer in order to bring about the Messianic Era. How do we know this? The Daily Freier wandered around Machane Yehuda this morning asking random Jerusalemites if they were really truly ready for Moshiach.

Of course I pray for Moshiach, it’s right here in my siddur. Don’t let anyone tell you that I don’t daven from my siddur properly.” said Moishy L., resident of The-Neighbourhood-Formerly-Known-As-Har-Nof.  “You’re asking me if I want Moshiach to come? For sure I do, but like maybe after Pesach…because we’re renting this awesome Pesach tzimmer with a pool and a jacuzzi.

Of course, we want Moshiach and the Beis haMikdash… but like after the summer.” chimed in Ruchie, Moishy’s wife. “We already paid for our oldest to go to Yeshiva Extreme Sports Camp in America for bein hazmanim… do you realize how much that cost?? We’re Levites, and it would just be a shame if he had to leave camp because he was called up for Temple service.

But wait!” Ruchie suddenly exclaimed. “Does that mean we might need to leave here because Moshiach will tell us where each of the shvatim will live? Because I just spent three months shipputzing my kitchen! For sure I want Moshiach to come, but don’t you realize how long I spent picking out these tiles?”

The Rambam tells us that even though he may tarry like the Amazon delivery man, Moshiach is definitely coming.” advised Rabbi Avi G., “If you want to be prepared for when we can offer the Korban Pesach, you’ll need my Haggadah.

The Daily Freier can now confirm that although this post is satire, the Haggadah is very real, bearing the approval of the Chief Rabbi of Israel, David Lau and the badatz has carefully checked each page to ensure that no gebrochts has been used in the printing process. (Ok, we made that last part up…but you believed it for a second, didn’t you?)


Instead of paying our authors a living wage, sometimes we let them plug their producst or the products of their friends. So If you are interested in pre-ordering a copy of Hagadat haPesach, it’s $36, which isn’t much compared to the million billion shekels you will be spending on dry crackers and that Pesachdik gefilte fish that nobody likes. Pre-order your Hagaddah here!

Amazon shocked to discover Israeli delivery drivers act like Israeli drivers

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 12/29/2019 at 11:00 AM

Tel Tzion: As more and more olim are realizing that they really don’t want to walk to the Makolet and speak Hebrew, the Israeli postal system has become desperately overwhelmed. “I walked out of my building and a guy in a van yelled at me: ‘Are you Leora Cohen?’ Umm…what?” said Tel Tzion resident Hadassah C.  After Hadassah explained that she wasn’t Leora but that she was Leora’s upstairs neighbor, the guy threw a parcel at her and sped off shouting “So, you give this to her when you see her.

Strangely enough, many Amazon shoppers in Israel are finding that just because something comes from an American company doesn’t mean that their Israeli counterparts are remotely sorta halfway holding to the same level of American service. “My parcel was late. And the box looked like it had been taped together. .. and the sweatshirt I had ordered for my husband smelled a bit like arak and nargileh smoke.” complained Chani D., another disappointed shopper. “I’m not going to stop buying from Amazon (chas v’shalom!) but I complained on about 22 Facebook groups, including the one where the guy said he just ordered 16 boxes of Kleenex because and I quote, ‘I’m kind of a tissue snob.‘ Yeah, that one too.

The Daily Freier tried to reach Amazon customer service staff in Americaland to provide some constructive feedback. A customer service representative in Omaha replied “Yeah, yeah, we heard this already. Honestly, we didn’t expect Israeli delivery drivers to be so…Israeli.  Wait, you mean, they’re still doing that after we told them not to? But…but… we told them not to!

“Why are you dancing on my van & trying to hug me?” Oleh who bought used van has questions

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 12/24/2019 at 1:15 PM

Beitar Illit: The weirdest things have been happening since I bought this van.” noted Beitar Illit resident and father-of-nine Yitzi P. “We just made Aliyah last month and I got a good deal on a used van from some hippie religious guys…. they were really nice, they even included a CD player and some CDs. It’s funny, but whenever I stop at a red light, people start dancing and the guys in tight jeans and gelled hair run out to give me hugs and call me “achi”…..that means brother, right? People are so friendly here!”

Yitzi continued. “Then, a guy comes up to my window and gives me a little bag and asked me if I “rotzeh samim?” It took me a minute because my Hebrew isn’t so good, but I realized that he was giving me havdala spices! That’s so nice, right? He was doing kiruv like the Chabad ladies who give out candles. After a few days, I ended up with a few extra bags of havdala spices, so I decided to share the mitzvah too…I’ve been giving them out whenever people come over and try to dance with me at traffic lights!”

Yitzi explained that he’s happy in Israel. “I think I totally understand Israelis now. …but hey, that police car looks like it’s been following me all day. Do you think I have a busted tailight or something?”

“We just ordered toilet paper!” Anglo Olim react calmly to Amazon’s free shipping

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 11/24/2019 at 3:00 PM

Ramat Beit Shemesh-Mem Sofit: “Is it a fast day? Some kind of holiday? There is some religious reason why people aren’t shopping now, right?” asked Israeli-born makolet owner Rami K. as he stood outside his mini-market in Ramat Beit Shemesh-Alef. Rami dragged on a cigarette and wondered out loud exactly why his business has come to a dramatic slowdown this past week. “I sell everyday things that people need: toilet paper, trash bags, tissues, laundry soap. These Americans living here still use the toilet, right? So, if they aren’t buying toilet paper in my store, where are they getting it from…. America?… hahahahaha. I make joke, yes?

The Daily Freier had to gently inform Rami that the downward turn of his business was in fact due to Amazon.com and their recent free shipping offer (stop us if you’ve heard this one before). After a few glasses of Arak and an hour on Facebook, we managed to convince our Israeli friend that Americans were indeed buying their trash bags, toilet paper, and laundry soap from the United States. “You Americans are crazy.” said Rami as we showed him that in the great tradition of Jews building community, there are now multiple Facebook groups dedicated to shipping Amazon to Israel… and they can’t stand each other.

The Daily Freier then set out to ask RBS-Alef residents exactly why they were shopping online for their basic necessities. “It’s just easier to buy on Amazon and wait a week for delivery” explained local homemaker Esty C. “If I need to buy from Israeli stores, I actually have to… you know…. speak Hebrew. I thought I was done with all of that… are we still in Hebrew Day School or something?

As we left RBS-Alef, we asked Rami if he had ever considered taking his makolet business online and creating a user-friendly website for Americans to buy his products online. “Yeah, My daughter said I should make a nice website, but then I woud actually have to… you know… speak English.

 

‘I’m not Giveret!’ Secular Jerusalem Woman’s winter clothes make her look religious

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 11/3/2019 at 3:00 PM

Jerusalem: “I wish they’d stop calling me ‘giveret’… and stop wishing me ‘b’sha’ah tova’ already!“ yelled secular, unmarried Jerusalem resident Olga R. “It happens every winter.” she explained. “When it gets cold, I wear a warm hat and a big cozy sweater and suddenly they think I’m one of “them”… you know, those religious women who are always pregnant. I would correct them, but then I’d have to give up my seat on the bus.

As winter weather settles over Israel, secular Israelis find themselves in the uncomfortable situation of being mistaken for their religious brethren. The Daily Freier sat down with a few of these misunderstood souls. “It was freezing cold, so I wore a long skirt with thick tights.” Yaffa explained. “So, this cute religious guy starts chatting me up and asks me if I want to go to a hotel with him. I agreed, but when we got there, he just wanted to sit in the lobby and drink a Coke Zero. Worst. Hookup. Ever ….even worse than that Tinder guy who took my old couch.

Yossi G. recalled an incident on the fast train to Tel Aviv. “It was raining, so I was wearing a hat and long black raincoat and reading a vintage Hebrew poetry book when this creepy yeshiva bachur sits down beside me. He said ‘You really look like you know how to shteig. What sugya are you into? I’m looking for a chavrusa.’ I though it was a gay pickup line.”

These religious people are so superficial… they just judge people by external stuff… it’s disgusting.” Yossi complained as Yaffa and Olga agreed. Just then, Yaffa realized that her phone battery had died and asked Yossi to use his phone. “I left it in the car.” he said. Later, as Yaffa was leaving, Yossi confided to the Daily Freier that he had lied about leaving his phone in the car “I have an iPhone X, I didn’t want her to see it and think I’m a nerd. I’m getting my iPhone 11 delivered next week.”

Only in Israel: an Amazon Store that sucks!

(Photo Credit: Globes Israel)

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 10/3/2019 at 10:30 AM

Bet Shemesh: The Anglo Israeli Community was paralyzed with fear today over rumors that Amazon Israel had been hacked… and turned into a website selling a poor selection of overpriced Israeli products. The eagerly anticipated launch of the online retail giant in Israel only fueled confusion and disappointment among Olim.

I put off my yerida for this!” explained Ramat Bet Shemesh resident Dassie S. “I stopped myself from publishing an angry rant on Keep Olim In Israel announcing my departure. I let my brother come and visit from America without bringing me a suitcase of Ziploc bags! They told us Amazon was opening up here, so I decided that I could tough it out. But when I opened my computer and typed in Amazon.co.il and just saw stam overpriced Israeli products, I was sure they had been hacked or something. Why does HaShem hate us?

The Daily Freier then went to Amazon Israel’s Headquarters in Haifa to demand answers. “No, we haven’t been hacked.” replied an exasperated Customer Service rep named Yuval. “It’s not a prank. Yes, it’s supposed to be like that. And no, I haven’t heard about your special steak spice. Can’t you just buy your spices at the Shuk? I’ve had this conversation a million times today.

Sadly, this was indeed not an elaborate prank. After several email exchanges with Amazon Israel customer service, the Daily Freier confirmed that they do not intend to stock Montreal Steak Spice, Neosporin, or the snack-size Ziplocs that you can’t even find at Osher Ad. They do, however have t-shirts from Adika (um… whoever they are) and dishes from Naaman. We caught up with our friend Dassie to get her opinion on this business model.

So, like instead of going to literally any Israeli mall to buy Naaman dishes, I can pay extra on Amazon and still have to wait for the Doar? Yeah….no.

These spoiled Americans, they expect too much.” laughed Yuval. “They want cheap prices, they want fast delivery, they want cheerful customer service reps. Who do they think we are? Next thing you know, they’ll be wanting their parcels delivered by flying robots. Hahahahaha.

If you don’t think I’m going to complain about this in my Aliyah Blog, you’re in for a big surprise.” warned Dassie. The Daily Freier admonished Dassie that as we approach Yom Kippur, it’s imperative not to spread malicious gossip. Yet she was adamant. “It’s not Lashon Hara if it’s true.

 

“What’s an Appointment?”: a guide to Misrad HaPnim

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 9/22/2019 at 2:30 PM

Jerusalem: You want passport? Meet me at 6 in the morning. Don’t worry about computer.

It was with this cryptic reply that our Daily Freier reporter first encountered Magda, a Polish-born Olah with a reputation as a ‘fixer’ in the government bureaucracy. I needed a passport for my son and the Misrad HaPnim (Ministry of the Interior) website showed no appointments available for months.

If there’s anything we learned in Poland, it was how to stand in line.” noted Magda as we arrived at the Misrad Hapnim office at 6 AM. “Website not important. If you come early enough they always let you in.” Amazingly enough, a line soon formed, consisting of everyone who isn’t using the website: Senior Citizens, the Haredim, and former Soviet Bloc citizens who chatted in Russian while smiling with a faint tinge of nostalgia. And yes, they gave me a number and processed my passport even though I didn’t make an appointment online. Who knew that would actually work?

Your cousin needs papers signed? Meet me at Aroma in one hour.” was Magda’s reply when I called in a panic about my cousin Shlomo, a Lone Soldier who needed to get medical paperwork signed immediately and couldn’t get a doctor’s appointment.

Shlomo and I rushed to Aroma and Magda was waiting for us on the street. “Go inside and buy a box of rugelach.” Magda ordered him.  As a Lone Soldier, Shlomo found this confusing. “Buy something? Like, actually pay money?”  But Magda was insistent. “No rugelach, No paper.

As we entered the Kupat Cholim (Insurance HMO) office, rugelach in hand, Magda explained: “Kupat Cholim secretary is Queen of the office. If you want help, you bring gifts.” And yes, after handing the secretary the pastries, she was surprisingly helpful and let Shlomo see the doctor for just a second to get his paper signed.

In Poland, we knew how to get things done.” Magda explained. “Communism wasn’t such a bad system, it was just different…but we knew how to get around it.” This reporter was surprised at Magda’s candor and suggested that perhaps she could leverage her expertise in dealing with Israeli government bureaucracies into a successful business venture. Magda laughed. “You Americans and your jokes. Open a business? What does that mean.. open… a… business? Who do you think I am? The Minister of Labor or something? That’s funny. You Americans!”