Tag: Chava Ewa

Undercover cops dressed as Religious Jews busted after showing up on time

By Chava Ewa & Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 6/10/2020 at 5:30 PM

Lakewood: A pair of undercover policemen disguised as Religious Jews had their cover blown at this week’s protest in Lakewood after they said ‘Excuse Me’ when they bumped into someone exhibiting extremely suspicious behavior that immediately identified the men as outsiders to the Community. The Daily Freier has a bit of experience in writing about Undercover Gentiles, so we rushed to the scene to find out just what the heck was going on.

Their phones were manufactured after 2004.” complained Nachum as he described the undercover cops. “Also, the one guy said he just came from a Simcha but he didn’t have any food wrapped in a napkin stuffed into his pockets.

I asked the guys for a cigarette, but they said they didn’t smoke. Crazy, right?” noted local Yeshiva student Moshe. “After neither of them tried to pull me into some kind of Multi-Level Marketing scheme for vitamin supplements, I ran away and called my Rosh Yeshiva.

Moshe’s classmate Avi then joined in the conversation. “When Moshe asked for a cigarette, the cop accidentally dropped a membership card for…. for….. what’s that place where the Goyim lift the metal bars up and down until they’re sweaty?

A Gym?” added the Daily Freier helpfully.

Yeah, that’s it. A Gym. No way were these guys for real…. well, that and when I said I was single he didn’t try to fix me up with one of his cousins.

As news of the embarrassing Law Enforcement failure reached the media, the New Jersey State Police were rumored to be stockpiling black pants that don’t actually reach your ankles along with old beat-up minivans.


Editor’s Note: Lakewood Undercover” would be the World’s Greatest Cop Show.

 
 
Advertisements

Illegal businesses deserve Government Corona assistance too!

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 5/21/2020 at 7:00 PM

Modiin: It’s about time I get what’s Magiya Li!  All the people with kids, seniors, disabled, small business owners and atzmaii people got grants from the government… now it’s my turn!” said Gefen H, olah chadasha and owner of an illegal catering business, after hearing about the government’s announcement of  Corona stimulus grants for Israelis running under-the-table businesses.

Gefen explained that she saw a posting on Facebook, which led her to the Bituach Leumi website. “It wasn’t difficult to apply….I just had to provide a few details. Like, you know, what kind of business I was running, how long I’ve been doing it, how much I made, and where I deposit the money.” Her roommate Anat was suspicious, but Gefen insisted that the site is genuine. “It’s a government website. They don’t lie!

I’m not saying Gefen is gullible, but when she was here on Birthright, she hooked up with that soldier who told her that he would never ever spend the night with a girl he just met, but that she was special because of her deep commitment to Zionism.” observed Anat.

The Daily Freier visited the Bituach Leumi office in Jerusalem (because we needed an excuse to buy candy at that American supermarket across the street) and met Dudi and Yossi, the two clerks responsible for overseeing the grant program. “Look, Bibi has been giving away so much taxpayer money, we had to find a way to drum up revenue.” Dudi explained. “It was my idea to catch tax cheats with this phony grant program. Yossi thought people would see right through it, so I bet him a Shwarma meal that he was wrong…I got my Shwarma.”

Meanwhile, we spoke to Gefen as she was taking a break from complaining on Facebook about how the government doesn’t care about her, is ignoring her needs, et cetera, and is awaiting her grant money. “I just heard a knock at the door!” she exclaimed. “Maybe they sent a courier with my check. That’s so nice of them!

My Family is Not an Illegal Gan

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 4/30/2020 at 6:30 PM

Jerusalem, Baka: As Israelis find themselves under lockdown, people are learning all kinds of new things about their neighbors.

I called the police because I thought my upstairs neighbor Ruchie was running an illegal Gan. Turns out she just has nine kids.” noted Malka D, a retiree living in Baka. “I heard Uncle Moishy songs blasting all day, constant yelling, and every week the Makolet guy delivered 10 boxes of Cheerios, 12 packages of yogurt and 8 bags of frozen corn schnitzel.” confided Malka, who insists that she doesn’t meddle in other people’s business. “Who needs so much frozen corn schnitzel except someone operating an illegal gan during lockdown?” (Writer’s Note: I need that much)

When asked why she had jumped to conclusions and didn’t maybe consider that her upstairs neighbor had a large family, Malka explained. “I met her when I moved into this building, she’s a preschool teacher and her husband works in a grocery store. They don’t have money! Who would have a bunch of children if they didn’t have money? That’s just ridiculous!

Ruchie, of course, forgave her neighbor for the misunderstanding. “I’m learning about my neighbors too!” Ruchie admitted. “I just learned that my next door neighbor is Sephardi! All this time, I thought she was from overseas and that’s why she mispronounced Hebrew words… you know what she calls the Koisel? You know, the Western Wall? She says “Koh-tell”… that’s crazy, right?

“So this Corona Hotel….do they serve a late breakfast?”

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 4/6/2020 at 2:30 PM

Ramat Beit Shemesh: I’m not saying I want to catch that virus (chas v’shalom…tfu tfu tfu) but do you know if the breakfast buffet at that corona hotel is any good?” Speaking under the cloak of anonymity, several religious mothers of large families have been making some not-so-discreet inquiries about the Corona Hotels, asking about the facilities, (separate men’s and women’s hours at the pool, right?) kashrus (better hechsher than the Chiloni Corona Hotels, right?), and whether they would provide non-kitniyot Pesach food.

We could never afford to go away to a hotel for Pesach, but imagine if we happened to catch this virus? (chas v’shalom…tfu tfu tfu) I wouldn’t have to cook for Pesach, or clean, and the kids would have a break from being cooped up at home.” said Gittel F., a mother of 11 wistfully. “But yes, I would stay in that hotel… I consider it a civic duty. Don’t ever say that we wouldn’t do our civic duty!

Another segment of the population is also eagerly eyeing the Corona Hotels. “Do you think there might be single girls there?” Jerusalem resident Raffi R. inquired. “I’m not saying I want to catch the virus (chas v’shalom…tfu tfu tfu) but girls these days have been so weird you know… like they don’t want to go anywhere near me or touch me… it’s been soooo hard to get a hookup. At first I thought they all got religious and were Shomer Negiya or something!”

Trapped in Quarantine, Daily Freier forced to satirize itself

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 3/24/2020 at 5:44 PM

Tel Aviv: As the Corona Virus drives life as we know it to a halt, one of the sectors hardest hit has been Anglo-infused Israeli satire. The Daily Freier, long a leader in this field, has found itself devoid of inspiration as its authors wander the confines of their homes muttering to themselves and suffering collective Writers Block. Forced to cannibalize themselves satirically, the Writers Collective known as The Daily Freier slowly descends into madness. And The Daily Freier was on the scene to cover it!

How can I make Dizengoff Center jokes if I can’t leave my home…. I have literally nothing to say.” complained Aaron Pomerantz. “Wait, does that make me shallow?” Aaron poured some whiskey into his Coffee Hafuch and appeared to have an epiphany. “Hey, maybe I can make fun of my Vaad Bayit and the way he puts out the trash cans!

Meanwhile, the Daily Freier’s correspondent in Judea and Samaria, Chava Ewa, was struggling to fit in writing while trying to home-school her 7 children and her husband. “The kids only stop fighting when they are hungry, which is actually fine because they eat about 14 times a day. Also the makolet cashier thinks that I’m hoarding food because I come every day and buy 4 bags of milk and two boxes of cornflakes, but…ummm…. 7 kids?” Chava turned on the TV news and suddenly found inspiration. “Hmmm, the Corona unit in the hospital…. is it quiet? They cook for you? …No kids? That doesn’t sound half bad.

The Daily Freier then checked in with our correspondent Lee Saunders, but he was home in Manchester nattering on about the weather and driving his mom insane and we weren’t able to get any actual statement from him.

Yet there was some good news. Our Dating & Relationships correspondents Mia Deych and Emily Goldstein reported in that they are hard at work writing up a story on Secret Tel Aviv’s dramatic turn toward becoming a Corona Virus Dating Site (Editor’s Note: We are really really doing this. Stay tuned).

 

 

 

“No I can’t describe her appearance… she’s a woman!” Jerusalem bank robber escapes again

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 1/29/2020 at 1:30 PM

Jerusalem, Har Nof: Everyone saw her, but nobody looked!” Police detective Motti F. described his exasperation at trying to catch Jerusalem’s most prolific female bank robber. The sheitel-clad thief dubbed “HaGiveret” by police, has successfully perpetrated a series of brazen robberies in Jerusalem’s religious neighborhoods, leaving behind many male witnesses but nobody who can actually identify her… because that would mean… you know… men admitting that they were actually looking at a woman.

Detective Motti explained. “Our police sketch artist used to work for Mishpacha Magazine, he’s great at drawing male criminals, but when he sat with witnesses to the robberies, all the sketches he produced had blurred-out faces! Honestly, this is worse than when I worked in Tel Aviv and tried to find a bike thief who wore a hipster beard.”

A witness to one robbery described the scene. “She walked into the bank and yelled that she had a gun, and nobody was afraid of her. But then, she started singing along to the elevator music and someone cried out ‘Kol Isha! Assur!‘ and everyone ran away. She had plenty of time to take all the money….and the rugelach in the break room.

Working on a tip that the suspect had fled into a certain apartment building, police knocked on doors and gathered a group of suspects for a police lineup (OK, they needed to look busy so they just rounded up a few random religious women… because who else but a master criminal needing to disguise their identity would own several wigs?) Local resident Raizy D. described the momentary panic that ensued. “When all those men with guns stormed in, we thought they were from the tax authority… that they had heard about my unlicensed mishpachton or Blumie’s cash-only catering business or the store in Ruchi’s machsan. Anyhow, none of us are that bank robber lady, we wouldn’t do that! Imagine…. religious people breaking the law like that!

Oleh who escaped Dizengoff Center now trapped in Jerusalem’s Binyan Clal

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 1/22/2020 at 4:30 PM

Jerusalem, Clal Building: Would you believe it? The first week after I made Aliyah, I’m trapped in a building again!” said Zachary F, an American college student who once got lost in Dizengoff Center. “My neighbor told me to go to a Government office in Binyan Clal. At first I thought he was pranking me…it looked like an abandoned building… but then I saw the security guard … and that was the last time I saw daylight for the past two weeks.

Since then, Zachary has been wandering up and down the stone staircases, looking for signs or directions or even windows to orient himself (spoiler alert: there are no windows), stopping occasionally to check if there’s wi-fi where he’s standing (spoiler alert: no wi-fi can penetrate the building’s thick stones) and living off stale food from the vending machines.

I tried to find a store to ask for directions. I mean, there’s storefronts here, but it seems like they’re never open or boarded up… except for that sleazy looking sex shop over there and I’m too embarrassed to go inside.” he said. Zachary is hopeful that one day soon, someone will actually walk into the Clal Building and he can get directions. “Just so you know, when I get out, I’m going to complain about this on my Aliyah Blog!

The Daily Freier confirmed that the Clal Building did actually contain the Misrad Habinui Vhashikun (rental assistance office) which Zachary was seeking out. We also learned that it was built by the same architect who designed the Dimona Reactor (No. Really.)

Before we said our goodbyes, we asked Zachary if he had any messages that he wanted to convey to the Authorities. “This building is so dilapidated and old, I don’t understand why the Government is using such antiquated facilities… It’s so unlike them!

We want Moshiach Now! …but not like “Now” Now

(photo credit: we got this from a government website so we should be OK)

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 1/12/2020 at 11:30 AM

Jeru: Comfortable American Olim are definitely NOT looking forward to giving up their Pesach tzimmer in order to bring about the Messianic Era. How do we know this? The Daily Freier wandered around Machane Yehuda this morning asking random Jerusalemites if they were really truly ready for Moshiach.

Of course I pray for Moshiach, it’s right here in my siddur. Don’t let anyone tell you that I don’t daven from my siddur properly.” said Moishy L., resident of The-Neighbourhood-Formerly-Known-As-Har-Nof.  “You’re asking me if I want Moshiach to come? For sure I do, but like maybe after Pesach…because we’re renting this awesome Pesach tzimmer with a pool and a jacuzzi.

Of course, we want Moshiach and the Beis haMikdash… but like after the summer.” chimed in Ruchie, Moishy’s wife. “We already paid for our oldest to go to Yeshiva Extreme Sports Camp in America for bein hazmanim… do you realize how much that cost?? We’re Levites, and it would just be a shame if he had to leave camp because he was called up for Temple service.

But wait!” Ruchie suddenly exclaimed. “Does that mean we might need to leave here because Moshiach will tell us where each of the shvatim will live? Because I just spent three months shipputzing my kitchen! For sure I want Moshiach to come, but don’t you realize how long I spent picking out these tiles?”

The Rambam tells us that even though he may tarry like the Amazon delivery man, Moshiach is definitely coming.” advised Rabbi Avi G., “If you want to be prepared for when we can offer the Korban Pesach, you’ll need my Haggadah.

The Daily Freier can now confirm that although this post is satire, the Haggadah is very real, bearing the approval of the Chief Rabbi of Israel, David Lau and the badatz has carefully checked each page to ensure that no gebrochts has been used in the printing process. (Ok, we made that last part up…but you believed it for a second, didn’t you?)


Instead of paying our authors a living wage, sometimes we let them plug their producst or the products of their friends. So If you are interested in pre-ordering a copy of Hagadat haPesach, it’s $36, which isn’t much compared to the million billion shekels you will be spending on dry crackers and that Pesachdik gefilte fish that nobody likes. Pre-order your Hagaddah here!

Amazon shocked to discover Israeli delivery drivers act like Israeli drivers

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 12/29/2019 at 11:00 AM

Tel Tzion: As more and more olim are realizing that they really don’t want to walk to the Makolet and speak Hebrew, the Israeli postal system has become desperately overwhelmed. “I walked out of my building and a guy in a van yelled at me: ‘Are you Leora Cohen?’ Umm…what?” said Tel Tzion resident Hadassah C.  After Hadassah explained that she wasn’t Leora but that she was Leora’s upstairs neighbor, the guy threw a parcel at her and sped off shouting “So, you give this to her when you see her.

Strangely enough, many Amazon shoppers in Israel are finding that just because something comes from an American company doesn’t mean that their Israeli counterparts are remotely sorta halfway holding to the same level of American service. “My parcel was late. And the box looked like it had been taped together. .. and the sweatshirt I had ordered for my husband smelled a bit like arak and nargileh smoke.” complained Chani D., another disappointed shopper. “I’m not going to stop buying from Amazon (chas v’shalom!) but I complained on about 22 Facebook groups, including the one where the guy said he just ordered 16 boxes of Kleenex because and I quote, ‘I’m kind of a tissue snob.‘ Yeah, that one too.

The Daily Freier tried to reach Amazon customer service staff in Americaland to provide some constructive feedback. A customer service representative in Omaha replied “Yeah, yeah, we heard this already. Honestly, we didn’t expect Israeli delivery drivers to be so…Israeli.  Wait, you mean, they’re still doing that after we told them not to? But…but… we told them not to!

“Why are you dancing on my van & trying to hug me?” Oleh who bought used van has questions

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 12/24/2019 at 1:15 PM

Beitar Illit: The weirdest things have been happening since I bought this van.” noted Beitar Illit resident and father-of-nine Yitzi P. “We just made Aliyah last month and I got a good deal on a used van from some hippie religious guys…. they were really nice, they even included a CD player and some CDs. It’s funny, but whenever I stop at a red light, people start dancing and the guys in tight jeans and gelled hair run out to give me hugs and call me “achi”…..that means brother, right? People are so friendly here!”

Yitzi continued. “Then, a guy comes up to my window and gives me a little bag and asked me if I “rotzeh samim?” It took me a minute because my Hebrew isn’t so good, but I realized that he was giving me havdala spices! That’s so nice, right? He was doing kiruv like the Chabad ladies who give out candles. After a few days, I ended up with a few extra bags of havdala spices, so I decided to share the mitzvah too…I’ve been giving them out whenever people come over and try to dance with me at traffic lights!”

Yitzi explained that he’s happy in Israel. “I think I totally understand Israelis now. …but hey, that police car looks like it’s been following me all day. Do you think I have a busted tailight or something?”