Tag: Eurovision

Olah Hadashah competing to be named ‘Israel’s Most Annoying Convert 2018’

Daily FreierBy Yekutiel Bornstein & Chava Ewa

Last Updated 5/18/2018 at 12:30 PM

Beit Shemesh: A recent immigrant to Israel is currently chasing her dream: to be named this year’s Most Annoying Convert to Judaism. Rakhel (NOT Rachel) is hopeful, but she knows the competition is tight. You see, converting to Judaism is about as simple as trying to move money from your bank branch in Tel Aviv to your bank branch in Haifa on the same day that you convert your American driver’s license while lacking your complete driving history since the age of 16. So the people who actually follow through on the whole Balagan in order to join the Most Hated Group of People on Earth™ tend to be…..ummm…. really driven. And umm….. really focused on letting you know just how Jewish they are. Anyhoo, the Daily Freier was also able to speak with some of her friends from before her conversion was complete.

I love spending time with Rakhel and I’m so proud of her.” explained her old friend Devorah. “But ‘Baruch Hashem, I caught the bus at 5:00 Baruch HaShem.’ Yeah, I get it. Baruch HaShem….. Also last time she stopped by my house, she dropped off some pre-cut toilet paper, for just in case she’s ever here on Shabbat.”

In addition the Daily Freier spoke with George, a gentile co-worker who has known Rakhel for 6 years. “I don’t really understand Judaism, but I know that Jewish people always sell me their bread on Pesach and buy it back the next week. And I’m fine with that.” he explained. “But this year after Rakhel sold me her bread, she refused to buy it back the next week because she had stopped eating that hechscher.”

Finally, we were able to meet up with Rakhel after she finished buying a bunch of vegetables at the Shuk that she intends to cook into a stew and store in her second freezer before she serves it to you at a Shabbat lunch 11 months from now.

I never thought I had a chance.” explained Rakhel as we sipped coffee in a cafe with a hechscher that is more strict than your cafe’s hechscher.  “But then Neta won Eurovision and now I know that anything is possible if a girl puts her mind to it…… you know, it wouldn’t hurt Neta to dress a little more Tznius.

We also decided to split a slice of carrot cake, and when it arrived Rakhel made the brachos. Really loud. Really Really loud.  As the conversation continued, the Daily Freier noticed the sheer volume of Yiddish terms that Rakhel was inserting into the conversation, which was weird because she converted in a Sephardic Community. Also, she told the bewildered Coca Cola delivery guy that she was Shomeret Negiyah.

This Derech has not been easy.” admonished Rakhel. “I had to give away all of my old dishes because they were once used for treif. Also the table that the dishes once rested on. And the clothes I once wore while eating treif. And oh yeah I needed to move apartments….. because treif.”

 

 

 

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Big Balagan as Korea Summit now in Jerusalem, Royal Wedding in Tehran, and Eurovision in Pyongyang

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 5/2/2018 at 4:20 PM

Tel Aviv: Event organizers were left alarmed and red-faced after a logistical error scheduled the North-South Korea summit to take place in Jerusalem, the royal wedding for Tehran, and next week’s Eurovision Song Contest to be switched to Pyongyang.

The path to North Korean denuclearization will be discussed over rugelach in the Machane Yehuda market. Bibi is currently having the Iranian documents translated and converted into Korean by a Tel Aviv Startup that hired three Olim desperate for a job and some Filipinos who “probably speak the same language or something.

The Royal Family will arrive in Iran under armed guard on Sunday for the upcoming nuptials of Everyone’s Favourite Ginger with his Hollywood Bride, Fred….. I mean Meghan. The actress from Suits. Street parties and public executions will be accompanied by canapés at 5 PM, while Camilla Parker-Bowles will be sent home strapped to a nuclear warhead later that evening. After honeymooning in Ramallah, the couple are expected to settle in a terraced house in Bognor Regis.

Meanwhile, flights to Portugal for Eurovision 2018 were rerouted to the North Korean capital of Pyongyang after global air traffic control was hacked by first graders in Moscow. All songs considered too liberal, cheesy or colourful are to be censored by State TV with the 15-hour show to instead broadcast ‘Gangnam Style’ on loop, followed by reruns of M*A*S*H.

Donald Trump and Monsieur Macron issued a joint tweet from a fancy hotel room on the Champs Elysees: (#worryingtimes #LoveWins #MelaniaWho?), and then The Donald vowed to reduce world tensions by moving the Embassy to Western Samoa.

Eurovision descends into farce after Israel Boycott and Ukraine beats Russia

Daily Freier Eurovision

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 5/18/2016 at 1:20 PM

Stockholm: Debates over the Boycott Israel movement raged across Europe today after millions of fans were left traumatized by the decision to ban all things Israeli in Saturday’s grand finale of Eurovision. The chaos began when outspoken Swedish Foreign Minister, Margot Wallstrom, a strong supporter of the BDS movement aimed at economically crippling Israel, made a series of blunders that left hosts Sweden red-faced. Firstly, she moved the singing competition from the 16,000 all-seater Ericsson Globe arena in Stockholm – after discovering that the mother-in-law of the Ericsson CEO had once eaten a pomegranate on an Israeli kibbutz in 1954. “We were left with no choice. We really can’t be seen to support that level of aggressive Zionism.” Ms. Wallstrom stated defiantly, as the venue was changed to an old IKEA warehouse in the tiny northern village of Dooberguberfloozer. Coaches were then arranged to transport the 42 competing nations after the Israel-developed GPS app Waze had been blocked, sending the lost Azerbaijanis on a wild-goose chase around Denmark. Meanwhile, Israeli start-up GetTaxi, the world’s second largest Taxi app, was switched off, forcing the Spanish to hitchhike to a place they could not even say.

Eurovision is one of the few European cultural events that reinforces regional differences and continuously raises the prospect of a third World War. Amidst all the kitsch of cheesy dancing fairies and Viking heavy metal bands, this year’s show was once again mired in controversy. Greece was devastated after failing to make the final for the first time and immediately blamed German-imposed cuts. Neighboring Turkey was thrilled to have negotiated its inclusion in next year’s semi-finals, in exchange for building more Syrian refugee camps. Fights and beheadings broke out in this year’s semi-finals after a romantic ballad sung by ISIS boy band, the Caliphatties failed to melt judges’ hearts. Canada too was left ticked off by Australia’s inclusion in Eurovision for the second year running. Quebec-born diva Celine Dion, who won Eurovision for Switzerland in 1988, offered to sing but new Prime Minister/heart-throb, Justin ‘Donnie Osmond’ Trudeau vetoed her offer, sending a giant wave of relief across Canada.

Not since the official breakup of Abba in 1982 has Sweden been so widely vilified for allowing such a cultural disaster. From the moment the show went live on air, buzzing social media forums began to grind to a halt. Facebook, created by renowned Zionist/Nice-Jewish-Boy Mark Zuckerberg, went offline for the first time ever, pushing a frantic 1.6 billion account-holders across the planet into actually talking to each other. But with Microsoft’s operating system, the Intel processor, and the technology behind What’s App, Messenger, Viber and voicemail all pioneered and developed in Israel, mobile phones and laptops around the world all fell eerily silent. When it came to broadcasting the actual results, Eurovision’s voting system was hit by the sudden ban on Israel-inspired satellites, forcing judging panels to dig out dusty walkie talkies not used since the Cold War.

When the networks finally managed to broadcast the rest of the show, it appeared that bookies’ favorites Russia – which had threatened to turn off the gas and lights in Eastern Europe – had done predictably well. Also surprising was the Great Britain entry, sung by reality TV superstars Joe and Jake. The last time a British duo scored so well abroad, there was a pubic lice outbreak in London. Their upbeat song “You are not alone,” dedicated to former London Mayor Ken Livingstone, was nevertheless ridiculed in Germany. “Zay bloody will be soon if zay vote to leave ze EU next month, ha, ha!” Angela Merkel chuckled to reporters, as she faxed through the votes from Berlin.

Nervously awaiting the Eurovision results aboard Air Force Trump, the man formerly known as Donald, warned: “This is what happens when you have no real defensible borders, political or cultural.” The Republican rebel immediately called for the US-Mexico fence to be built six meters higher and promised a tax on burritos…..

(Note: Ukraine stole it from Russia and Australia. The UK did shit and the Israeli entry, which arrived late, held up by squabbles over the last kosher meal on El Al, finished about half way.)