By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 8/8/2015 at 9:20 PM

Tel Aviv, Bograshov Street: After almost a year of struggles and setbacks, the mold in your apartment has secured Aliyah benefits to include the right to reduced rent, five months free Ulpan, and valuable tax breaks.  The Daily Freier  caught up with the largest patch of mold in your place, named “Yossi“, and asked him a few questions.

Yossi, who currently has expanded to a 3 meter square area located between your bathroom and laundry room, talked about his experience so far.  “It hasn’t been easy, let me tell you“, noted Yossi, as he released spores into the air that are currently making your eyes water and your nose run.  “I started out last year around Rosh Hashanah here and it was a real struggle.  But through persistence and a bit of luck, I am starting to really succeed, Baruch HaShem.”  When the Daily Freier complimented Yossi on his ability to thrive here, he was quick to point out those who have helped him. “Everyone always complains about people not helping them here.  But believe me, I did not make it on my own.  First, I want to thank your idiot roommate who seems unable to take a shower without pouring a gallon of water on the floor.  Oh and your other roommate who thought it was a good idea to dry his clothes inside all winter.  Of course your landlord who refused to have me eradicated because ‘he couldn’t see me’……major props.  Oh and whatever genius who built this apartment and filled the space between walls with soil……much love.”

Daily Freier asked Yossi about his hopes and dreams as well.  “I would love to do a bit of Ulpan, because even though I grew up speaking mold, my spores speak perfect Hebrew.  Plus I would love to expand into the living room, maybe travel through the walls to the downstairs neighbor.  I just really feel that anything is possible here.”

When asked about Yossi, the Aliyah organization Nefesh B’ Nefesh denied any responsibility.  But their spokesman Danny J. did speak on the record with us. “Eleven months and he’s still here?  That’s better than most of the Americans we brought.”

Save