Tag: Yossi the Talking Household Mold

The Daily Freier asks Putin for his Tel Aviv apartment

To: Vladimir Putin, President of the Russian Federation

4 Staraya Square

Moscow, Russia 103132

—————–

From: Office of the Daily Freier

Tel Aviv Central Bus Station, 4th Floor

Next to the Asian Grocery (Not that one, the other one)


Tovarisch!

Greetings from Tel Aviv! How are things in Moscow? Cold? We bet! While we still haven’t been to Moscow, we HAVE been to Ulpan Gordon, and it’s kind of similar! Anyhoo,we know you respect people who are direct and to the point (Hi Donald!) , so we will get right to be point:

Please Please Please give us the Tel Aviv apartment you just inherited.

We know that in the past you have given apartments to random Jews. And, Hey! We are Jews too! And, trust us, we are Random. Plus, our apartment is giving us allergies. It’s like the mold colony has its own personality or something. So we are really counting on you doing us a solid and letting us stay in your new apartment. But we also know you are a businessman, so we are willing to offer terms:

The Daily Freier will run at least one shirtless photo of you per month. With a gun. Or a crossbow. Maybe a photo of you on horseback. Or interacting with wildlife! The sky is the limit! Plus, we will satirize the hell out of Ukraine’s leadership. Just really give them the business. Know what we’re saying? Also, we are willing to pay the Arnona and Va’ad Bayit. Is the Va’ad Bayit OK? Does he actually fix anything? Let us know.

Thanks for keeping us in mind!

 

Yours in Freierhood,

 

 

The Daily Freier Staff

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The mold colony in your Tel Aviv Apartment just asked you to co-sign his lease

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 2/25/2017 at 6:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Bograshov Street: The colony of mold that lives in the wall between your bathroom and your laundry room has decided to stay in your Tel Aviv apartment for at least another year. But your landlord wants a co-sign on the lease. So the the mold, who goes by “Yossi”, has asked for your help. Yossi explained his decision to stay another year to the Daily Freier.

The apartment is right off of Bograshov Street. And besides the fact that it’s basically turned into France, the location is amazing.” Yossi explained, as he slowly continued his expansion into the apartment’s communal hallway. “Plus the landlord is just the best. Doesn’t do anything that would cause problems for me, like modernizing the plumbing, weatherproofing the windows, or replacing the old wooden cabinets. I basically have the run of the place.”

Yossi went on to describe just how hard it was to find a place to live in Tel Aviv. “I tried everything. I checked for apartment on Secret Tel Aviv, but it was nothing but freaks. I even tried Keep Olim in Israel, but in the time it took me to post to the site, I somehow got in an argument about Binary Options.

Yossi says he is going to split the rent with Boaz the cloud from the Golan Heights who saved his IDF platoon from an ISIS ambush. But Boaz is still finishing up the Army and won’t move in until some time in the late Summer after his post-Army trip to India, so your landlord really wants someone else to co-sign. And other than him asking you to try to help maintain a kosher kitchen, and occasionally releasing spores into the air that make you sneeze and cough, he is kind of low maintenance. Come to think of it, he’s probably the most normal housemate you’ve had so far in Israel.


Tel Aviv woman delays breakup with mazgan repairman boyfriend until Sukkot

Tel Aviv Woman break up mazgan boyfriend Sukkot Daily Freier

By Mia Deych and Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 8/12/2016 at 11:10 AM

Tel Aviv, Rothschild: Yesterday our Dating and Relationships  columnists Emily and Mia caught up over coffee with their friend Noa from Ulpan. Noa, a returning Israeli who grew up in New York, has been dating an air conditioning repairman named Avi since June. And things aren’t going that well. But she’s not ready to give up on the relationship yet, because it’s still kind of hot out and stuff. Noa had a lot to say on this topic and we didn’t actually get a chance to say more than four words in three hours, but we did get to stalk the guy on Facebook while Noa told her story.

“So we met and then spent like two days in a row together. On the second afternoon his mom and aunt picked us up and we drove to Petah Tikvah for his cousin’s wedding. At first I didn’t think we were actually going to a wedding because he was wearing flip-flops, cutoff jeans and a white tee-shirt. But in Avi’s defense, the groom was wearing a tank top.”

Noa explained her mixed feelings. “So he’s good on paper for a Tel Aviv guy.  I mean it’s not like he actually has his shit together. He lives with four roommates and a friendly mold colony in their shower.  He still brings his laundry home to his mom in Holon on the weekends.  But  he studies at Open University from home. He wants to open his own business.  So he has potential. Maybe I should just give it some time. Like, you know, until the First Rain or something.”

So after coffee we all ordered pancakes and Noa began to feel a bit nostalgic. “We’ve had some good times together. Like the time in July when he replaced the coolant unit on my mazgan…..And the time 2 weeks ago when he replaced the filters. He’s really good with his hands.” Noa leaned in closer and dropped her voice to a whisper. “I mean MAMASH good.

But we’ve been together like 7 weeks. In Tel Aviv.  That’s the equivalent of 2 years on Planet Earth.” Noa checked the seven-day weather forecast on her I-Phone. “Things have cooled a bit.” Noa paused. “Between me and Avi I mean………I just don’t feel like we’re meant to be together.”

Later on, Emily and Mia ran into Avi on the street, who shared that he knows his relationship with Noa is in trouble, but he has a backup plan: trolling Secret Tel Aviv looking for women who need help installing shelves or hanging pictures.  Emily thinks Avi is kind of cute and wants to check back with him after Sukkot. Like, just to make sure he’s Okay and stuff.

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Your I-Robot Roomba just informed the Rabbanut that she’s been working on Shabbat

800px-gillie_trying_to_avoid_the_roomba_21666828511(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 1/10/2016 at 6:10 PM

Tel Aviv, Bograshov: Apparently your Roomba cleaning robot has informed the Chief Rabbinate of Israel that you have been violating her religious rights by forcing her to operate during the hours of Shabbat, as there is now a Rabbi at your door demanding to speak with her.

Your Roomba, who recently became Baal T’shuva and now goes by the name “Rivka”, is apparently unhappy with this arrangement according to the Rabbi, who also took the time to let you know that he’s not too impressed with the apparent Kashrut status of your kitchen either.  And now it appears that Rivka was assisted in this endeavor by another religiously observant resident of your household, Yossi the talking household mold patch, who lives in the wall between your laundry balcony and your bathroom.

So apparently, in addition to helping Rivka to get in touch with the Rabbanut,  Yossi also helped Rivka contact the Worker’s Rights NGO Kav LaOved, because their attorney just stopped by as well. And it seems you’ve been served with papers explaining that you are expected to retroactively pay into her Bituach Leumi pension fund based on 9 hours per week from March 2013 through the present.   Her attorney also let you know that if an amicable agreement is reached, Rivka will forget about the fact that you carried her past Customs at Ben Gurion Airport in your backpack 3 years ago without paying import duty.

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In Great News for the City’s Hypochondriacs, Hoarders, and Those Just Trying to Find a Nice Sweater for Their Pet Chicken, Website Secret Tel Aviv Now Has an Interactive Map

 

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By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 8/31/2015 at 12:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Sheinken:  The city is going crazy about popular local website Secret Tel Aviv’s new interactive map, with Secret Tel Aviv’s key demographic groups leading the way. The doctor-phobic, who previously had to crowd-source their medical diagnosis on the site, can now meet up and consult with like-minded people as a completely suitable and safe substitute for actually, like, you know, going to the doctor and stuff.  In addition, strangers can now find the exact location of that piece-o-crap couch you’ve been trying to sell for 100 ₪.  Most importantly, Tel Aviv residents finally have a better way to source a sweater for their pet chickens.   The Daily Freier talked to some of the map’s biggest fans yesterday at that coffee shop on Ben Yehuda near Frischmann.

This new map is AMAZING!!!” enthused MASA Program participant Melissa C. as she consulted with several like-minded residents whom she had just met through the map. “Now, let’s say you met a really nice guy who is a Lone Soldier?  And you had an amazing time with him last week at the beach before he had to go back to the Negev? But now, you have, like, a persistent rash on your  left arm and stuff? Now maybe you can find out, like, what it is?”  Melissa’s voice trailed off as she continued; “…….Asking for a friend.”

Despite the enthusiasm for the new product, not everyone in the community shares in the excitement.  The Daily Freier caught up with its old friend, Yossi the Talking Household Mold, and talked to him about his views on this new application.  As he tidied up his new place on Bograshov and hung a framed picture of Rabbi Ovadia Yosef (Z”L) up on the wall, Yossi shared some of his observations about the Map.  “When I first heard about the Map, I gotta admit, I was kind of excited.  Like, now I can learn prevailing wind conditions for the coming weeks, the addresses of prominent shputzniks and how to avoid living near them, maybe find out which buildings in Central Tel Aviv contain sub-standard weather proofing around their windows.  That kind of stuff, news I can use….. But when I open up the map, it’s all henna tattoos and bracelet bars. So yeah; if me and my fellow bridesmaids want to get white-girl wasted the night before our best friends’ Indian-themed wedding on the beach, I’m all for it.  But until then? Thanks but I’ll pass.”

The Daily Freier wanted to continue mocking Secret Tel Aviv’s new map, but is secretly hoping to get some sort of widget for its newspaper included in this exciting and ground-breaking new application.

The Mold in Your Apartment on Bograshov Street Is Now Eligible for Aliyah Benefits, Absorbtion Package

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By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 8/8/2015 at 9:20 PM

Tel Aviv, Bograshov Street: After almost a year of struggles and setbacks, the mold in your apartment has secured Aliyah benefits to include the right to reduced rent, five months free Ulpan, and valuable tax breaks.  The Daily Freier  caught up with the largest patch of mold in your place, named “Yossi“, and asked him a few questions.

Yossi, who currently has expanded to a 3 meter square area located between your bathroom and laundry room, talked about his experience so far.  “It hasn’t been easy, let me tell you“, noted Yossi, as he released spores into the air that are currently making your eyes water and your nose run.  “I started out last year around Rosh Hashanah here and it was a real struggle.  But through persistence and a bit of luck, I am starting to really succeed, Baruch HaShem.”  When the Daily Freier complimented Yossi on his ability to thrive here, he was quick to point out those who have helped him. “Everyone always complains about people not helping them here.  But believe me, I did not make it on my own.  First, I want to thank your idiot roommate who seems unable to take a shower without pouring a gallon of water on the floor.  Oh and your other roommate who thought it was a good idea to dry his clothes inside all winter.  Of course your landlord who refused to have me eradicated because ‘he couldn’t see me’……major props.  Oh and whatever genius who built this apartment and filled the space between walls with soil……much love.

Daily Freier asked Yossi about his hopes and dreams as well.  “I would love to do a bit of Ulpan, because even though I grew up speaking mold, my spores speak perfect Hebrew.  Plus I would love to expand into the living room, maybe travel through the walls to the downstairs neighbor.  I just really feel that anything is possible here.

When asked about Yossi, the Aliyah organization Nefesh B’ Nefesh denied any responsibility.  But their spokesman Danny J. did speak on the record with us. “Eleven months and he’s still here?  That’s better than most of the Americans we brought.

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