Over the past year, the Daily Freier has grown very attached to our favorite Tel Aviv cult community organization. We even teased them a little in an article! So it was a bit of a shock when we got the news that Kerem House had moved a few blocks away. Anyhoo, we cyber-stalked various Kerem House Committee Members and asked them the reason why they decided to move. So Behold, here is our Research!
1) We received a message from HaShem.
2) The Police started to ask questions about our Crypto Currency.
3) We needed to break up with our vegetable guy at the Shuk.
4) Wanted to be closer to Bograshov when the French arrive in August.
5) It was a chance to score another free Mezuzah from Chabad on the Coast.
6) The guys from MidBurn built a tipi on our roof and refused to leave.
7) We explained this in our Newsletter. Wait, you don’t subscribe to our Newsletter? Here, give me your phone. OK, you’re signed up now.
8) The mold in our bathroom wanted to live closer to the beach.
9) We applied for a Nefesh B’Nefesh “Go North” grant.
10) You’re gonna have to attend our next weird-ass TED Talk to find out.
Tel Aviv, Bograshov Street: The colony of mold that lives in the wall between your bathroom and your laundry room has decided to stay in your Tel Aviv apartment for at least another year. But your landlord wants a co-sign on the lease. So the the mold, who goes by “Yossi”, has asked for your help. Yossi explained his decision to stay another year to the Daily Freier.
“The apartment is right off of Bograshov Street. Despite the fact that it’s basically turned into France, the location is amazing.” Yossi explained, as he slowly continued his expansion into the apartment’s communal hallway. “Plus the landlord is just the best. Doesn’t do anything that would cause problems for me, like modernizing the plumbing, weatherproofing the windows, or replacing the old wooden cabinets. I basically have the run of the place.”
Tel Aviv, Bograshov Street: After almost a year of struggles and setbacks, the mold in your apartment has secured Aliyah benefits to include the right to reduced rent, five months free Ulpan, and valuable tax breaks. The Daily Freier caught up with the largest patch of mold in your place, named “Yossi“, and asked him a few questions.
Yossi, who currently has expanded to a 3 meter square area located between your bathroom and laundry room, talked about his experience so far. “It hasn’t been easy, let me tell you“, noted Yossi, as he released spores into the air that are currently making your eyes water and your nose run. “I started out last year around Rosh Hashanah here and it was a real struggle. But through persistence and a bit of luck, I am starting to really succeed, Baruch HaShem.” When the Daily Freier complimented Yossi on his ability to thrive here, he was quick to point out those who have helped him. “Everyone always complains about people not helping them here. But believe me, I did not make it on my own. First, I want to thank your idiot roommate who seems unable to take a shower without pouring a gallon of water on the floor. Oh and your other roommate who thought it was a good idea to dry his clothes inside all winter. Of course your landlord who refused to have me eradicated because ‘he couldn’t see me’……major props. Oh and whatever genius who built this apartment and filled the space between walls with soil……much love.”
Daily Freier asked Yossi about his hopes and dreams as well. “I would love to do a bit of Ulpan, because even though I grew up speaking mold, my spores speak perfect Hebrew. Plus I would love to expand into the living room, maybe travel through the walls to the downstairs neighbor. I just really feel that anything is possible here.”
When asked about Yossi, the Aliyah organization Nefesh B’ Nefesh denied any responsibility. But their spokesman Danny J. did speak on the record with us. “Eleven months and he’s still here? That’s better than most of the Americans we brought.”
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.