By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 5/21/2020 at 7:00 PM

Modiin: “It’s about time I get what’s Magiya Li!  All the people with kids, seniors, disabled, small business owners and atzmaii people got grants from the government… now it’s my turn!” said Gefen H, olah chadasha and owner of an illegal catering business, after hearing about the government’s announcement of  Corona stimulus grants for Israelis running under-the-table businesses.

Gefen explained that she saw a posting on Facebook, which led her to the Bituach Leumi website. “It wasn’t difficult to apply….I just had to provide a few details. Like, you know, what kind of business I was running, how long I’ve been doing it, how much I made, and where I deposit the money.” Her roommate Anat was suspicious, but Gefen insisted that the site is genuine. “It’s a government website. They don’t lie!”

“I’m not saying Gefen is gullible, but when she was here on Birthright, she hooked up with that soldier who told her that he would never ever spend the night with a girl he just met, but that she was special because of her deep commitment to Zionism.” observed Anat.

The Daily Freier visited the Bituach Leumi office in Jerusalem (because we needed an excuse to buy candy at that American supermarket across the street) and met Dudi and Yossi, the two clerks responsible for overseeing the grant program. “Look, Bibi has been giving away so much taxpayer money, we had to find a way to drum up revenue.” Dudi explained. “It was my idea to catch tax cheats with this phony grant program. Yossi thought people would see right through it, so I bet him a Shwarma meal that he was wrong…I got my Shwarma.”

Meanwhile, we spoke to Gefen as she was taking a break from complaining on Facebook about how the government doesn’t care about her, is ignoring her needs, et cetera, and is awaiting her grant money. “I just heard a knock at the door!” she exclaimed. “Maybe they sent a courier with my check. That’s so nice of them!”