Tag: Corona Virus

Aliyah mania now affecting Liberals and Conservatives alike!

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 9/7/2020 at 11:30 AM

Jerusalem, Rasko: After years of complaining about America, my cousins made Aliyah…. both the far-right and the far-left one!” gushed Jerusalem resident Chana N. “It all happened so fast, I didn’t even have time to ask them to bring me a suitcase full of Q-Tips, Montreal Spice, and Ziplocs. They arrived yesterday and immediately started their Aliyah blogs!

Chana scrolled through her Facebook feed looking for each cousins’ posts. “Every time President Trump did something she didn’t like, my cousin Leora would write ‘That’s it! I can’t stay in America, I’m making Aliyah!‘ ….So far so good, right?”

“But with my other cousin, Miri, it was the exact same thing except it was Obama and Pelosi…. They’ve been saying it for years.

Of course, when pressed about actually making Aliyah, each cited some vague excuses about ‘Parnasa’ and asked when Target and Amazon were going to start shipping to Israel. But after spending years as “Almost Olim“, America’s current Bi-Partisan Balagan helped make up their minds!

The Daily Freier reached both Leora and Miri on a Zoom call at their Quarantine Hotels. After politely listening to their gripes about the hotel food, we asked each woman why she made Aliyah: was it because of their Zionist ideals, a sense of religious duty, or were they escaping antisemitism? Miri chimed in. “First week of September my cousin in Israel is sending her kids to school and our old school district is closed! I’ll do anything to escape from a year of distance learning… Anything!

In a show of solidarity and unity, both Leora and Miri vowed to wear their Nefesh B’ Nefesh hats until Moschiach arrives.


Success! Recent immigrant to Israel refuses to leave!

By Aaron Pomerantz & Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 7/23/2020 at 5:30 PM

Tel Aviv: So we got good news and bad news. First, the good news. We met a recent arrival to Israel who is enthusiastic, refuses to quit, and determined to make it work here. The bad news is it’s the Corona Virus. The virus, who immigrated to Israel in late February and is named Rachel or Sarah, was kind enough to sit down with the Daily Freier at that cute cafe near Ben Yehuda that’s really popular with Olim.

OMG I love it here!” enthused the virus. The Daily Freier asked the virus about her story. “So, like my family was originally from China, but then I just started traveling! It was so exciting! Europe! North America! It felt like I was on Gap Year!

The Daily Freier asked the virus if it had any long-term goals in Israel. “I’m going to start my own NGO!” she replied. “It’s going to be like Taglit, except it will bring young infectious viruses to Israel! Isn’t this exciting?!! Imagine…. a virus riding a camel! Taking shots of Tubi! It just made out with the cute soldier from the bus! It’s got mud all over its body at the Dead Sea! ” (Later, we reluctantly had to admit that this idea wasn’t the dumbest piece of Israel Advocacy that we had ever heard of.)

Then the virus started to “spill tea” on life in Israel. I hooked up with a Golani last week! We met at the beach!” Then the virus turned introspective. “But why isn’t he calling me? I mean, I got his text that he’s sick with a high fever. But is that just some kind of commitment issues bullshit? They say he’s in an isolation ward on his base, but I think he’s just ghosting me.

As we got up to leave, the virus had one more question. “So when do I get my 750 Shekels from the Government for Covid Relief?

UPDATE: There appears to be an End Date to the Corona Epidemic. After the Holidays, she’s going to get married and move to Ra’anana and then nobody will ever hear from her again.

 

Illegal businesses deserve Government Corona assistance too!

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 5/21/2020 at 7:00 PM

Modiin: It’s about time I get what’s Magiya Li!  All the people with kids, seniors, disabled, small business owners and atzmaii people got grants from the government… now it’s my turn!” said Gefen H, olah chadasha and owner of an illegal catering business, after hearing about the government’s announcement of  Corona stimulus grants for Israelis running under-the-table businesses.

Gefen explained that she saw a posting on Facebook, which led her to the Bituach Leumi website. “It wasn’t difficult to apply….I just had to provide a few details. Like, you know, what kind of business I was running, how long I’ve been doing it, how much I made, and where I deposit the money.” Her roommate Anat was suspicious, but Gefen insisted that the site is genuine. “It’s a government website. They don’t lie!

I’m not saying Gefen is gullible, but when she was here on Birthright, she hooked up with that soldier who told her that he would never ever spend the night with a girl he just met, but that she was special because of her deep commitment to Zionism.” observed Anat.

The Daily Freier visited the Bituach Leumi office in Jerusalem (because we needed an excuse to buy candy at that American supermarket across the street) and met Dudi and Yossi, the two clerks responsible for overseeing the grant program. “Look, Bibi has been giving away so much taxpayer money, we had to find a way to drum up revenue.” Dudi explained. “It was my idea to catch tax cheats with this phony grant program. Yossi thought people would see right through it, so I bet him a Shwarma meal that he was wrong…I got my Shwarma.”

Meanwhile, we spoke to Gefen as she was taking a break from complaining on Facebook about how the government doesn’t care about her, is ignoring her needs, et cetera, and is awaiting her grant money. “I just heard a knock at the door!” she exclaimed. “Maybe they sent a courier with my check. That’s so nice of them!

Israeli Barbie: Meirav Covid Edition

By Roxy Cruz

Last Updated 5/12/2020 at 9:30 PM

Tel Aviv: Remember February? Those were innocent times, weren’t they? It was in February that Roxy first introduced us to her “Israeli Barbie” line of action figures, including the polyamorous Thrupple of European Spouse Barbie, Yuval Melech HaShuk, and Sigalit Barbie. Well, now that the Corona Virus has completely messed up our lives, it’s time to introduce the latest addition to our line of Israeli Barbies: Meirav Covid Edition!


Meirav: 48 years old, no children. Works as a healer, speaker, life coach, and activist. She makes a total of 850 shekels per month, so her 83 year old mother helps her with another 9K. Lives in Sheinkin alone and shares a dog with her ex, Dudi, a fun-oriented Eyal Golan look-alike who now lives with Alina, a 22 year old former model whom he met in Ukraine and who holds the record for longest legs in Europe. Alina calls Dudi “Poshcosko” in a baby voice, and Meirav refers to her as “that ugly shiksa“.

Meirav keeps calling the ex to organize weekends and talk about the dog like it’s a child they adopted together. She keeps finding psychological problems with the dog, when the truth is that the dog is only depressed about living with her owners and not having sex at the park on Fridays, and then put to sleep afterwards because her life is that miserable.

As a life coach who does not have her own act together, her hobby is spying on Dudi’s girlfriend and also making sure none of the neighbors are having any fun anywhere within a kilometer radius. This involves calling the police a lot. Has 2 friends and they both live in Haifa, and one of them is avoiding her phone calls because she only talks about Dudi and her friend thinks she should let it go after 6 years already.

Meirav was secretly happy about the lockdown because for the first time in a long while everybody has nowhere to go and no friends to talk to, and no dates.  She takes pictures of people that she saw outside and posts them online to bash them within her community of online fellow Meiravs. Now that the lockdown has been eased, she’s bored and has no place to go.

Hopes the “ugly shiksa” gets Corona.

My Family is Not an Illegal Gan

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 4/30/2020 at 6:30 PM

Jerusalem, Baka: As Israelis find themselves under lockdown, people are learning all kinds of new things about their neighbors.

I called the police because I thought my upstairs neighbor Ruchie was running an illegal Gan. Turns out she just has nine kids.” noted Malka D, a retiree living in Baka. “I heard Uncle Moishy songs blasting all day, constant yelling, and every week the Makolet guy delivered 10 boxes of Cheerios, 12 packages of yogurt and 8 bags of frozen corn schnitzel.” confided Malka, who insists that she doesn’t meddle in other people’s business. “Who needs so much frozen corn schnitzel except someone operating an illegal gan during lockdown?” (Writer’s Note: I need that much)

When asked why she had jumped to conclusions and didn’t maybe consider that her upstairs neighbor had a large family, Malka explained. “I met her when I moved into this building, she’s a preschool teacher and her husband works in a grocery store. They don’t have money! Who would have a bunch of children if they didn’t have money? That’s just ridiculous!

Ruchie, of course, forgave her neighbor for the misunderstanding. “I’m learning about my neighbors too!” Ruchie admitted. “I just learned that my next door neighbor is Sephardi! All this time, I thought she was from overseas and that’s why she mispronounced Hebrew words… you know what she calls the Koisel? You know, the Western Wall? She says “Koh-tell”… that’s crazy, right?

“Nobody’s Leaving!” Keep Olim in Israel declares Victory

“Now youse can’t leave.”

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 4/25/2020 at 12:30 PM

Tel Aviv: The Israeli NGO “Keep Olim in Israel” celebrated tonight as the number of Olim (recent immigrants) leaving Israel has statistically reached Zero for the month of April. The Organization was founded several years ago in an attempt to help Olim acclimate to Israel. They even helped streamline Israel’s law for converting your foreign Drivers License. The Daily Freier spoke with Keep Olim founder Liami Lawrence via Zoom about this success.

Nobody’s leaving!” enthused Liami. “It’s all because of our advocacy and the counseling services we provide!

The Daily Freier asked Liami if maybe there was some other factor out there that was limiting the ability of Olim to make Yerida, but he refused the premise. “What are you talking about? This is all goes back to the line of candidates we ran in last year’s municipal elections!

The Daily Freier pressed the point, that maybe there was perhaps another reason that people were no longer flying from Israel for the past few weeks. “No, No, No.” he replied. “Olim aren’t leaving because we have created an online community that supports one another!

We asked Liami one more time if just maybe there might be something else telling Olim “Now youse can’t leave“, but he said he was right in the middle of an episode of Shtisel and ended the interview.

 

 

 

Heroes of Corona: Tel Aviv man just cut you in line while maintaining Social Distance

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 4/24/2020 at 4:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Allenby: We celebrate many heroes of the Corona Epidemic: Police, First-Responders, Doctors, Nurses, Grocery Store Workers, Postal Employees, Delivery Drivers, Soldiers. Yet there are some heroes who have gone unnoticed: people who refuse to be afraid and continue to maintain their routine. One such man is Danny, a Tel Aviv man who somehow just managed to cut in front of you at the Super Yuda near your house while still maintaining proper social distance.  The Daily Freier was at the scene to witness this symbolic act of defiance against Covid-19.

I couldn’t believe my eyes.” explained line-cutting victim Adam H. “He’s truly a professional. I’m not even angry. That was….. majestic.”

We then asked Danny just how he was able to perfect his fine art. “Believe me, It’s not easy.” he explained. “But we’re Israelis. This is not my first crisis.” Danny continued. “With a proper understanding of Physics, anything is possible.”

When asked about his plans for the future, Danny indicated that he prayed for an end to the Government’s restrictions on movement, so he could get back to his routine of almost hitting you with his scooter while you walk on the sidewalk.

 

“So this Corona Hotel….do they serve a late breakfast?”

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 4/6/2020 at 2:30 PM

Ramat Beit Shemesh: I’m not saying I want to catch that virus (chas v’shalom…tfu tfu tfu) but do you know if the breakfast buffet at that corona hotel is any good?” Speaking under the cloak of anonymity, several religious mothers of large families have been making some not-so-discreet inquiries about the Corona Hotels, asking about the facilities, (separate men’s and women’s hours at the pool, right?) kashrus (better hechsher than the Chiloni Corona Hotels, right?), and whether they would provide non-kitniyot Pesach food.

We could never afford to go away to a hotel for Pesach, but imagine if we happened to catch this virus? (chas v’shalom…tfu tfu tfu) I wouldn’t have to cook for Pesach, or clean, and the kids would have a break from being cooped up at home.” said Gittel F., a mother of 11 wistfully. “But yes, I would stay in that hotel… I consider it a civic duty. Don’t ever say that we wouldn’t do our civic duty!

Another segment of the population is also eagerly eyeing the Corona Hotels. “Do you think there might be single girls there?” Jerusalem resident Raffi R. inquired. “I’m not saying I want to catch the virus (chas v’shalom…tfu tfu tfu) but girls these days have been so weird you know… like they don’t want to go anywhere near me or touch me… it’s been soooo hard to get a hookup. At first I thought they all got religious and were Shomer Negiya or something!”

Daily Freier’s Top Ten Corona Fears

1.  What if we run out of Biltong?

2. Are they going to close Trump Yeshiva?

3. Do you think someone is Quarantined with Ariel Gold?

4. If everyone’s in Lockdown, who gets to pee in Kikar Atarim?

5. Will this delay next months Elections?

6. What if Kerem House turns all of this into some kind of weird-ass online event?

7. The people still lost in Dizengoff Center: are they maintaining 2 meters distance from one another?

8. Will the Corona Crisis distract Health Minister Litzman from the important work of blocking the extradition of an accused sex offender to Australia?

9. What if Sarah Tuttle-Singer is using this time to write another book?

10. Has anyone told the American Oleh trapped in Ulpan Gordon for 7 years?

 

 

“The Oleh who learned Hebrew during Quarantine” and other Fairy Tales

Welcome to the Daily Freier’s new line of Young Adult Fiction novels! Today we tell the outlandish tale of an Anglo Oleh who decides to use the current Corona Lockdown as a gift, and truly learn Hebrew! That’s right, he has some children’s books in Hebrew along with his old notebooks from Ulpan Gordon. Too Easy! So let’s take a look!

………………………………………………………………….

Hmm, how about we study “Eeti, Eet-ha, Eetah, Eeto”, and….

Wait a second. Is that a crow outside? Hey, and it’s carrying an empty tub of hummus in its beak! Isn’t that awesome? Also….

OK OK OK, let’s stay focused. So the notebook says that some nouns are masculine but they actually have feminine endings because…

OMG OMG OMG I think your neighbors upstairs are doing it with the windows open!

Hey! Let’s pay attention to the task at hand! ….OK maybe we can work on our future tense verbs before we…

….Wait, are you trying to say that the redneck with the handlebar mustache and the mullet  …..he’s Gay? …..and he hired a Hitman?  ……to kill the crazy cat lady? ……because of baby tigers?????

STOP! Turn off Netflix! ….now, let’s look at the Pay-Gronit Verb Form. It’s interesting because…

Whoah, did you see the video that Madonna just posted online? CRAYYYY-Z! I know, right?

NO! We have stuff to learn! Maybe we can just review vocabulary words…

Hey, Trump is Tweeting again!