(Photo Credit: Getty)
By The Pan-Earth Daily Freier Conglomerate Staff
Last Updated 4/30/2040 at 300 Solar Hours
Edgeware Spaceport: Leaked reports from today’s Conservative Party Conference point to a sinister plot to destroy its rivals: create a team of unpleasant and obtuse androids, send them through a Black Hole to the Earth Year 2016, program them to infiltrate the Labour Party, and destroy the Party from within by making it an international laughingstock.
Prime Minister Beckham held a news conference where he denounced these plans; “We fully and forcefully denounce this treacherous attempt to preemptively destroy the Coalition by ensuring that it never existed. We denounce the creation of the Corbynborg, designed to seek out unsavoury Hezbollah and Hamas “friends” for tea. We stand fully against the Gallowayback Machine, allegedly programmed to annoy even its friends while it dresses as a cat. And we deplore the planned RedKen 2000, and its obsession with a certain Austrian Corporal from the mid-20th Century.”
The Conservative Party for its part denied all charges, with MP Styles pushing back at the accusations. “These charges are ridiculous on their face. No serious Party would let itself get taken over by such a group of clowns, no matter how sophisticated you programmed them. This is simply another fantasy invented by the Prime Minister and Lord Mayor Russel Brand.”
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 4/12/2016 at 11:40 AM
Luton, United Kingdom: Recently sacked Labour Councillor Ayşegül Gürbüz held a brief Press Conference this morning explaining to the nation exactly why she had sent out a bunch of not-very-nice tweets praising Hitler and wishing for Iran to destroy Israel: She thought that she was actually working for the United Nations Relief and Works Agency for Palestine (UNRWA).
Ms. Gürbüz, who in fine sibling tradition had previously blamed her sister for the tweets, initially planned on telling the public that a canine had devoured her schoolwork. Yet at the Press Conference she admitted the truth. “I thought I was working for UNRWA. This was truly an honest mistake. I mean, if I thought I worked in an office environment where you could get fired for bashing Zios inappropriate remarks about the Jewish people, I would have been more circumspect. I mean, UNRWA doesn’t fire ANYONE!
When asked about her future plans, Ms. Gürbüz noted that she may go into game design before Labour quietly rehires her some time around August or September.
(Photo Credit: Steve Punter/Corbis)
By Daily Freier Staff
Last Updated 4/10/2016 at 11:50 AM
London: Labour Party Leader Jeremy Corbyn expressed his concern following tomorrow’s tweet from a Labour Party Councillor alleging that the Joooz secretly run the banks from a secret enclave in the Swiss Alps. Labour, which lately appears to strive to be the “Socialism” in “The Socialism of Fools“, was taken very much off guard by tomorrow’s tweet, as this type of thing simply does not happen in Labour.
The Councilor who will send the tweet, from Luton or Birmingham or maybe Manchester, is now “under investigation” and will be expelled from the Party the day after tomorrow, after which he or she will quietly be re-admitted some time around August.
In other news, members of Labour’s Environment and Ecology Committee have proposed a tree-saving initiative in which instead of a full-page statement, the Party will denounce future anti-Semitic tweets with a terse “Please see our last statement on this subject.”
Mr. Corbyn for his part stressed that tomorrow’s tweet will be an isolated incident. “I am extremely concerned with tomorrow’s tweet. However, I must state that tomorrow’s tweet is not part of any pattern of anti-Semitism within the Party. And neither was the previous incident. Nor the incident before that. Nor the one before that. Nor the one before that. Nor the one before that. Nor the one before that.”
“I’m not sure what the issue is, quite frankly.”
(Photo Credit: Samuel Hardy)
By The Daily Freier Staff
Last Updated 4/5/2016 at 3:00 PM
London: Objections to a recent showing of “The Merchant of Venice” by Labour has left Party leadership surprised and confused. Sheakespeare’s famous play is known for painting Zios members of the Jewish faith in a not-so-nice-light, but Party leadership insist that this played no role in their decision of the “Labour Party Players” drama troupe’s decision to hold a showing as a fundraiser for the upcoming elections. The Daily Freier spoke with Labour Leader Jeremy Corbyn for his take on recent events.
“Was this offensive? I really can’t see where we went wrong. I simply feel that Labour went to great lengths to ensure an event that was even-handed and free of controversy. We even put Khadim Hussain in charge of publicity in order to avoid any problems.”
“Labour Party Players” is an amateur troupe of thespians that includes past and present Party members who stage plays as fundraisers and for charity. Needless to say, staging a play that maintains good production value on a budget is not easy. Stage manager Gerry Downing explained. “We had trouble sourcing a Shylock who would be suitably true to the Bard’s vision, but our friends over in Neturei Karta really came through for us. We had 100 guys show up to audition… or you know, like all of Neturei Karta. Plus Vicki Kirby helped build a giant prosthetic nose that was just amazing.”
The Daily Freier spoke with members of the public as they departed last night’s showing for their opinions on this latest controversy. “Finally, a play that really has a message.” enthused musician Roger Waters. “I suppose that the usual suspects will demand a pound of flesh raise spirited objections, but ‘the show must go on’ as they say.”
Hoping to move past the incident, Mr. Corbyn said that he was looking forward to next month’s presentation of “The Passion of the Christ.”