Tel Aviv, The Old North: Yesterday the Daily Freier woke up to its very own Al Naqba: the Facebook Page Secret Tel Aviv has closed down. That’s right, Tel Aviv’s #1 resource for Corona Hookups, getting your dog laid, getting your cat laid, directions to…ummm, the Shuk, and selling “someone else’s” adult movie collection is now shut down (apparently Secret Tel Aviv was also a resource for concert information, local events, buying and selling items, and finding jobs, but who knew?) Secret Tel Aviv founder Jonny Stark explained it all yesterday in a post, yet we still struggle for answers, because while the loss was felt across the city, The Daily Freier was clearly hardest hit by this tragedy. You see, Secret Tel Aviv has been like a reliable friend to the Daily Freier. If Writer’s Block occurred, all we had to do was sit down with our laptop, drink our Coffee Hafuch, and let the majestic weirdness of Secret Tel Aviv flow until our creativity returned. Well, either that or wait for Rabbi Shmuley’s daughter to open a sex shop just off Allenby. But whatever. This is basically our nightmare.
To make matters worse, it now appears that we are far less clever and witty without drawing from the endless well of bizarre Jews that they used to call Secret Tel Aviv. Sure, we can still wait for Sarah Tuttle-Singer to write her inevitable post-Corona epiphany involving an off the Derech lesbian cab driver who grows the best mangoes on her Yishuv. Or basically anything from Keep Olim in Israel. Or the Polar Vortex known as Dizengoff Center. Or, you know, why Jerusalem kinda sucks. But make no mistake about it, the feelings of loss that we’re experiencing right now are real. Which makes us wonder, where do we go from here?
Jonny, if you can hear us:
We’re all out of love, We’re so lost without you. We know you were right believing for so long. We’re all out of love, what are we without you. We can’t be too late to say that we were so wrong.
New York City, Turtle Bay: The United Nations General Assembly acted forcefully today, passing a resolution ordering Beth Mynett’s husband to unilaterally withdraw from Ilhan Omar. According to divorce papers filed by Ms. Beth Mynett, it appears that some people did something her husband Tim was having an affair with Everyone’s Favorite Congresswoman/Walking Telanovela.
UN Secretary General António Guterres was adament at this morning’s Press Conference: “The International Community stands as one and demands that Mr. Tim Mynett withdraw immediately from Ms. Omar. The United Nations hereby condemns this Occupation and the subsequent refugee status of Beth. This entire situation is such a……such a……Naqba.”
Reaction to this bombshell was contentious, with Congresswoman Omar blaming the Jooz denouncing the United Nations Resolution: “I am under no obligation to return Tim to his original co-habitant. You act like she has a Right of Return.” As the Congresswoman said ‘Right of Return‘, she made air quotes with her fingers. When reporters reminded Ms. Omar that Tim was now in violation of a UN resolution, she replied “או’ם שמום“.
For his part, Mr. Mynett denied any wrongdoing, claiming that he was actually just Ilhan’s brother.
Ramallah: Shock & sorrow permeate this West Bank city after residents learned that spoiled actress who would never dare pull her stunts on an Arab police force political prisoner Ahed Tamimi had eaten “Palestine” during her stay in an Israeli jail. Ms. Tamimi, who gained fame punching Israeli soldiers on film, had apparently eaten the geographic entity known as “Palestine” in between her second and third helpings of baba ganoush some time in late June.
The UN wasted now time scolding Israel for the unfolding tragedy, passing a Motion in the General Assembly by a vote of 147-2 (The United Kingdom abstained) admonishing Israel for giving Ahed “The Freshman 15”.
Meanwhile, Bree Skyfire-Williams, co-captain of the latest Flotilla to Gaza, was somewhat philosophical about the turn of events. “I guess this means she won’t need the emergency hummus and pita that we put in our cargo hold for her.“
UPDATE: Ms. Tamimi apparently is now launching a Book Tour in support of her memoir of imprisonment: “The Zionists made me add extra Tahina to my falafel“.
The Daily Freier extends a sincere Congratulations to Roger Waters and Rula Jebreal on their couplehood. Pink Floyd legend Roger Waters, a vocal critic of Israel, is dating Palestinian journalist and author Rula Jebreal after divorcing his fourth wife.
The Daily Freier asks our readers not to submit tasteless jokes on whether he dresses up in an old IDF uniform when they role play “Checkpoint“. The Daily Freier will also maintain a strict policy of not allowing our readers to speculate about the use of the words “Occupation“, “Territory” or “Colonization” vis-a-vis any intimate relationships they may or may not engage in. Finally, the Daily Freier will not countenance any reference to “Laying Pipe at the Gates of Dawn”
Ramat Aviv: QatariBoycott Divest and Sanctions mascot Omar Barghouti is in a bit of a conundrum lately, as the country he is trying to take down through lawfare apparently is not being terribly helpful with his travel permits. Barghouti, who is a PhD Candidate at Tel Aviv University when he is not trying to destroy the country that funds his education, has lately turned to Nefesh B’Nefesh to help straighten things out. The Daily Freier got a copy of Barghouti’s letter to Nefesh B’Nefesh by pestering their receptionist for 30 minutes until she gave it to us if we would just go away.
Greetings Facilitators of the Ongoing Illegal Occupation of the 1948 Territories,
I hope this letter finds you well. I am writing your Entity because I hear that you know how to “grease the wheels” of the bureaucracy for Semites who wish to live here. So Please help. You’re a Semite. And I am also a Semite…. who dislikes certain other Semites. But that is neither here nor there. The Bottom Line is that my Inalienable Right to attend overseas conferences and be feted as the awesome guy that I am is being jeopardized. Besides, Max Blumenthal owes me 30 Bucks and if I can catch up with him at the Berkeley Confab I am pretty sure I can collect. Anyhoo, hook me up. Because if I am not allowed to travel overseas it would be a total disaster. Or, you know, a Naqba.
Reaction to Mr. Barghouti’s letter has been mixed, with some very strong opinions. Alert Local Ronit S. described her reaction. “Wow. The idea that a PhD Candidate at Tel Aviv University would seek to destroy the very State that is providing his education is a complete shock…. to anyone who has never been to Tel Aviv University.“
Word on the street is that if Mr. Barghouti’s current plan doesn’t work, he will sneak in and out of the country on Birthright Tours.
(Photo Credit: Our Friends at the Ezzedeen Al-Qassam Brigades)
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 5/12/2016 at 10:00 AM
New Haven: Renowned linguist of Semitic languages Carlton Howe made a fascinating discovery earlier today. Using a combination of texts, recorded speech, and other media, Dr. Howe managed to decipher that the meaning of the Arabic term “Naqba” was actually “Sorry We Didn’t Push You into the Sea“. Dr. Howe explained his findings to the Daily Freier.
“Languages contain nuance and hidden meaning.” explained Dr. Howe as we sipped tea in his study. “Which makes the role of a scholar so truly exciting. So previous scholars stated that ‘Naqba’ means ‘disaster’. But that is simply not the case. By comparing historical texts in Arabic to contemporary speeches and poems, I was able to determine the true meaning of this term. I don’t think I am being a Gasconading Academic when I tell you that this is a true “Rosetta Stone” moment. And by ‘Rosetta Stone’ I don’t mean those goofy language videos that you check out of the library.”
News of Dr. Howe’s findings spread quickly throughout academia, with some of his department rivals challenging his findings by stating that ‘Al Naqba” actually means “Please don’t hold us responsible for our actions“, or “I demand a Do-Over” or even possibly “Next time we will get it right“.
Ms. Gürbüz, who in fine sibling tradition had previously blamed her sister for the tweets, initially planned on telling the public that a canine had devoured her schoolwork. Yet at the Press Conference she admitted the truth. “I thought I was working for UNRWA. This was truly an honest mistake. I mean, if I thought I worked in an office environment where you could get fired for bashing Zios inappropriate remarks about the Jewish people, I would have been more circumspect. I mean, UNRWA doesn’t fire ANYONE!
Tel Aviv: Publicity-shy full-time supermodel and part-time Israeli taxpayer Bar Refaeli has gone into hiding, with tremendous shame, after failing to make it onto the list of celebrities and politicians exposed in the Panama Papers for illegal deals and dodgy finances.
The Mossack Fonseca law firm in the Central American statelet was revealed this week to be the engine room where the world’s rich got filthy, stinking and dirty rich. And nobody offered Ms. Rafaeli a piece of the action, rendering The Israeli supermodel too upset to speak. Her PR agent explained: ‘Ms. Refaeli is dismayed at her absence from this exclusive list. More than 11 million documents and nothing. Especially when a real D-Lister like the Prime Minister of Iceland made the team.‘
Years of Sesame Street accounting, imaginative wedding lists, and hiding the shekels under her Princess and the Pea four poster bed during her ‘army service’ have all proved futile as she failed to make it onto neither this list nor the Forbes Rich list.
Her agent continued. ‘She is a fighter and will be back to claim maternity benefits and appear on Big Brother to complement her meagre salary.’ Additionally, Bar’s agent informed the Daily Freier that his client intended to never wear a Panama hat as long as she lived.
Meanwhile, as one Israeli supermodel hid away from the papers, another, Wonder Woman’s Gal Gadot, was all over them. She was tipped for Oscar stardom after impressing audiences with her 59 words and wrist action in the three-hour Batman vs Superman snoozathon. Even in ultra-conservative Gaza, Hamas militants left their tunnels and rockets to download the original TV series and compare her performance to the iconic Lynda Carter. Gaza tailors are currently working on a Wonder Woman suicide belt in time for Naqba Day.
Vancouver Federation spokesperson David G. explained his organization’s stance. “When we saw Ms. Zoabi’s performance in Amsterdam for Kristallnacht, we were just blown away. Simply amazing how she commemorated a solemn memorial to the Holocaust by trashing Israel. So we really hoped we could book her to do a Spoken Word Poetry Slam. But unfortunately, she just had too much on her plate. It is for this reason that we booked Ms. Nini, and we are sure she will do just as well!”
For her part, Noa plans a performance that will include (Spoiler Alert!) some of her original works, plus some songs by Roger Waters.
Reaction from Israel’s political arena was swift, with Naftali Bennett declaring that since Noa is now recognized as a political expert, that he plans to release a hip-hop album. Yet at the same time, many of Noa’s fans are traveling from near and far to see her. The Daily Freier spoke to longtime fan Dickie Silverstein. “I really want to come up from Seattle for the concert, so I went on my blog to solicit donations to pay for my bus ticket and a room at the Super 8. So far I’ve raised enough money to get to Bellingham. I can’t wait!”
While Yom Ha’atzmaut 2016 is still months away, planning is already underway for Vancouver’s 2017 event. “I can’t stress enough just how long it takes to plan these events to perfection. It is for this reason that we have already set up a committee to plan next year’s event.” When the Daily Freier asked David for specifics on what they could expect, he coyly stated “All I can say is: Cat Stevens, call your agent!”
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.