By Lee Saunders and Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 1/29/2017 at 5:30 PM
Ramallah: There was renewed hope among Palestinians this week after Mahmoud Abbas bagged $50 million in aid money to buy himself a private jet. While some accused the Palestinian President of selling out his people, Abbas said he deserved it.
“I am in the 14th year of my 4-year term and my legs aren’t what they used to be. I can’t be sat in armed jeeps the whole time, making things up, cursing, and handing out sweets to the kids.” he added.
The UN’s favorite little grandpa went on to say that he intended to use “Abbas Airlines” to transport his friends between Gaza City and Ramallah, once the freiers at the European Union finished building them a luxury airport with a lovely baggage carousel.
Hamas also welcomed the move, adding that foreign visitors would be most welcome. Visas would be free, but tourists are expected to take out their own insurance n the unlikely event that yada yada yada. Tourists are already lining up for the opportunity to see Arafat’s Tomb, the Roger Waters Wax Museum, the United Nations School that definitely was NOT used to fire mortars at Israel, and the Hamas Bumblebee. Also, Hamas mentioned something about a tunnel connecting Gaza International’s main concourse and downtown Tel Aviv.
The Abbas Airlines aircraft, dubbed “Quds Force 1”, boasts 72 flight attendants, each covered head to toe. And apparently they’re virgins.
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 4/12/2016 at 11:40 AM
Luton, United Kingdom: Recently sacked Labour Councillor Ayşegül Gürbüz held a brief Press Conference this morning explaining to the nation exactly why she had sent out a bunch of not-very-nice tweets praising Hitler and wishing for Iran to destroy Israel: She thought that she was actually working for the United Nations Relief and Works Agency for Palestine (UNRWA).
Ms. Gürbüz, who in fine sibling tradition had previously blamed her sister for the tweets, initially planned on telling the public that a canine had devoured her schoolwork. Yet at the Press Conference she admitted the truth. “I thought I was working for UNRWA. This was truly an honest mistake. I mean, if I thought I worked in an office environment where you could get fired for bashing Zios inappropriate remarks about the Jewish people, I would have been more circumspect. I mean, UNRWA doesn’t fire ANYONE!
When asked about her future plans, Ms. Gürbüz noted that she may go into game design before Labour quietly rehires her some time around August or September.
Khan Yunis, Gaza: La Agencia de las Naciones Unidas para los Refugiados de Palestina en Oriente Próximo (UNRWA) está hoy en crisis después de que unos informes recién publicados revelaran que uno de los suyos mantiene una página en Facebook absolutamente libre de fotos admirativas de Hitler, de judíos siendo perseguidos o de judíos religiosos siendo atropellados por un coche o acuchillados.
Fares A., un profesor de matemáticas en la Escuela Primaria Sayyid Qutb de Khan Yunis, mantiene un perfil en Facebook que única y estrictamente contiene fotos de su familia, de sí mismo frente a algún Ferrari o una foto publicada por algún dulce corazón femenino de la escuela (a quien su mujer no puede soportar) de ambos juntos en la década de 1990, e imágenes de lo que parece ser una celebración de una barbacoa al aire libre con un sabroso cordero.
Los compañeros de Hassan en la escuela de primaria Sayyid Qutb estaban en un estado de shock. “Tu piensas que conoces a alguien, y luego, bang, resulta ser otra persona“, declaró el descorazonado profesor de historia Hassan M. “Quiero subrayar que él ha estado en mi casa, hablamos de fútbol… Supongo que la próxima seré más cuidadoso con mis amistades“.
La profesora de geografía Layla R. estaba igualmente molesta. “Este hombre ha empañado la dignidad de Gaza. Esto es aún peor que cuando el Mossad secuestró a nuestro gatito“.
El portavoz de la UNRWA, Chris Gunness, compareció apresuradamente en una rueda de prensa preparada para hacer frente al creciente escándalo. “Tomamos esta acusación muy en serio y vamos a investigarla tan pronto como sea posible, sobre todo después de terminar la investigación sobre las finanzas de un blog que nos critica“.
Cuando este artículo entró en prensa, surgieron informes de que Fares A., el profesor acusado, publicó a la desesperada en su Facebook sus últimas calificaciones en el juego conocido como “Naqbaville“, en un intento de salvar el honor de su familia.
(Photo Credit: The Googles)
By The Daily Freier Staff
Last Updated 10/9/2015 at 12:30 PM
Khan Yunis, Gaza: The United Nations Relief and Works Agency for Palestine Refugees in the Middle East (UNRWA) is in turmoil today after published reports revealed that one of their own maintains a Facebook page with absolutely no pictures of Hitler, Jews being hunted down, nor of religious Jews being run over with a car. Fares A., a mathematics teacher at Sayyid Qutb Elementary School in Khan Yunis, maintains a Facebook profile containing strictly pictures of his family, pictures of himself in front of somebody else’s Ferrari, a picture posted by his high school sweetheart (whom his wife can’t stand) of the two of them together in the early 1990’s, and pictures of what appears to be an outdoor barbecue event with particularly tasty lamb.
Fares’s fellow teachers at Sayyid Qutb Elementary were in a state of shock today. “You think you know a guy, and then, bang, this happens.” stated a disheartened History Teacher Hassan M. ” I mean, he’s been to my house, we talk football…..I guess next time I will be more careful with my friendships.” Geography teacher Layla R. was equally upset. “This man has tarnished the dignity of Gaza. This is even worse than when the Mossad kidnapped our Bumblebee.”
UNRWA’s spokesman Chris Gunness appeared at a hastily prepared press conference to address the growing scandal. “We take this accusation very seriously and we will investigate it as soon as we finish investigating the finances of a blog that criticizes us.“
As this article went to press, reports emerged that Fares was desperately posting his latest scores for the game Naqbaville on his Facebook page in an attempt to salvage his family’s honor.
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 10/3/2015 at 7:30 PM
Jerusalem: The United Nations Relief and Works Agency for Palestine Refugees in the Middle East (UNRWA) has created a hot new version of the popular Facebook game Farmville. The new game, “Naqbaville” was designed so that UNRWA’s teachers and other employees have something to do on Facebook when they are not posting over the top cartoons portraying Jews in not-so-nice ways. The Daily Freier caught up with UNRWA Spokesman Chris Gunness, who took us to the UNRWA Game Design Center to look at an exciting online Naqbaville tournament in progress.
“So you’ll see that Player One just lost a turn. It appears that a swarthy hooked-nosed man with sidelocks poisoned his well water at night. So Player One will have to sit out this round“. Mr. Gunness then turned his attention to Player Two: “Oh no! There’s a Jew hiding in his fields, but don’t worry, the trees and rocks call will call out to him: ‘Brother, there’s a Jew behind me, come and kill him!’ . Chris noted the efforts UNRWA made to ensure the game’s authenticity. “We actually pulled that last quote right out of the Hamas Charter; it took our legal team a day or two for permission, but we promised them free copies of the game and it was totally chill.”
While the game has just hit the streets, Mr. Gunness is confident of its success “Naqbaville is not yet really big, but pretty soon we expect it to really just explode…..The game I mean.”
Despite the initial excitement, there has been some dispute from a few disgruntled customers who felt the game wasn’t quite violent enough against Jews. Yet at this point UNRWA cannot provide refunds. ”Unfortunately all sales are final. You don’t have a right of return.” Chris then paused for a moment in thought and added “……of this product.”
Despite being a very helpful and gracious host, Mr. Gunness made absolutely zero effort in helping The Daily Freier to become the official satirists for Hamas.
(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 9/21/2015 at 11:00 AM
Reykjavik: The Reykjavik City Council’s boycott of Israeli goods is shaking key demographics in both nations, with fans of superstar Bjork who live in Judea and Samaria, along with Icelandic citizens who play the Israeli beach game of matkot feeling the brunt of the unfortunate turn of events. The Daily Freier dispatched its International Affairs reporter to Iceland to cover this critical event, but he was eaten by a fire-breathing sea monster when he sailed over the edge of the earth (Hahahah! Just kidding! No disrespect to our Icelandic readership! Some of our best friends are Icelandic!….Get it? Get it?)
The Daily Freier sat down with Sigur S., chairman of the Reykjavik chapter of the Pan-Icelandic Matkot League to discuss this troubling breach in relations in this critical international partnership. “Just a balagan. A complete and total balagan.” noted a despondent Sigur as he munched on a mixture of bamba and sunflower seeds. “This is going to kill our big plans for a matkot tournament at the local lava-fed hot springs. Well, that and after last year’s ill-tempered walrus incident, nobody wants to sign up.”
Judea and Samaria’s vast fan-base of noted Icelandic musician Bjork is equally despondent. Shmuel K., President of the Jordan Valley chapter of the Bjork Fanclub, shared his personal pain. “I believe that HaShem gave this land to us, and I will defend Eretz Yisrael with my life…..But I also believe that “Human Behavior” is just about the most amazing song ever. My wife BatSheva is a big fan also. Sometimes, when we’re bored, we’ll just text Sugarcubes lyrics on Whatsapp to each other. But now what? What else can I listen to? I mean, ever since she dressed up as a giant duck, my previous obsession with the Cure just seems so….so….silly and immature.”
The Daily Freier urges its readers to chime in on this critical issue, or maybe just ask Chris Gunness what he thinks.
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 9/3/2015 at 4:00 PM
Boston: Based on the keen situational awareness and managerial oversight that he has exhibited at the United Nations Relief and Works Agency (UNRWA), World Wrestling Entertainment, Incorporated has extended an offer of employment as a referee to Mr. Christopher Gunness. Mr. Gunness, who has lately been busy investigating where his critics get their money from, was unavailable for comment, but World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) spokesperson Robert C. spoke with the Daily Freier earlier today. “A lack of situational awareness and organizational leadership like Mr. Gunness provides day in and day out…….that doesn’t come around evey day. If WWE wants to continue to build its brand, it needs to jump on talent like this.” When the Daily Freier asked the WWE if there was one event that convinced the organization to extend an offer to Mr. Gunness, Robert noted “When Chris was presented with evidence from UN-WATCH of UNRWA employees calling for the death of Jews on Facebook, and countered with a call to investigate UN-WATCH.……he just exhibited exactly what we look for in a good referee: focus on ‘the Big Picture’…….Either that or he’s full of crap and simply hates Israel. Hard to tell.”
Full Disclosure: The Daily Freier still thinks it is in talks with Mr. Gunness in regard to the Freier’s goal to become the Official Satirist for Hamas