Tag: Jeff Schwartz

Aliyah, Terrorism

“Lo Hevanti.” Iranian kidnappers release Anglo Oleh who can’t speak Hebrew
“Afshar Mayim?”

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 6/18/2022 at 1:00 PM

Istanbul: The nation breathed a sigh of relief this morning after news that Iranian agents in Istanbul had released an Israeli tourist unharmed. Jeff Schwartz, an Oleh Not-So-Hadash from Long Island, was freed after his poor grasp of the Hebrew language convinced his captors that he couldn’t possibly be Israeli. The Daily Freier spoke with Jeff as officials from the Israeli Consulate escorted him to Istanbul Airport.

“Everything happened so fast.” explained Jeff as he stared nervously out the window. “One moment I was wandering around the Grand Bazaar, the next moment I was blindfolded in a van.“

The Daily Freier asked Jeff exactly how he was able to pull off his amazing escape. “I really don’t know.” he confessed. “This angry guy in a ski mask kept screaming at me in Hebrew. I knew he was using future tense verbs, but I had no idea what he was saying. I kept explaining to him that I still hadn’t completed Kita Bet and that he should stick to present tense. Then he hit me with a wooden mallet and I passed out. When I woke up, I asked him for ‘afshar mayim’, but I think that only made him angrier. After a while they just dropped me off on the side of the road. A nice Turkish family took me home and gave me tea and let me use their Wi-Fi to make a phone call.”

While his captors are still at large, Jeff convinced them that he ‘just really really need to post my Wordle score before my family on the East Coast goes to sleep“, and thus was able to secretly record a blurry video of his interrogation. While much of the recording is completely unintelligible, the Iranians appeared to make some progress after they switched to using flashcards.

Soon Jeff arrived at Istanbul Airport and his waiting flight back to Tel Aviv. Jeff profusely thanked the Israeli Consular officials and they promised to read the whole story of his 12-hour ordeal by checking out Jeff’s Aliyah Blog. But they were lying.

Aliyah, Hebrew

“Ulpan Tal Brody” opens to rave reviews

“!אנחנו בכיתה ב’ ואנחנו נשארים בכיתה ב’ – לא רק בדקדוק, בהכל”

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 2/9/2019 at 11:00 AM

Tel Aviv, Derech Yigal Alon 51: The city is buzzing with some exciting news. Israeli sports legend Tal Brody has recently opened his own Ulpan, a place for recent immigrants to master the Hebrew language and truly integrate into Israeli society. Mr. Brody, who has himself sometimes struggled with Hebrew, is excited to make a difference in the life of Olim. The Daily Freier visited Ulpan Tal Brody to find out more about this exciting new development.

Principal Brody greeted us in his office and explained the School’s philosophy. “Here at our Ulpan, we like to mix things up.” explained Mr. Brody as he casually crumpled a piece of paper into a ball and sunk it into a garbage can 5 meters away. “Some days a noun is masculine, and then, ‘Boom!’ It’s feminine! It helps keep our students on their toes! Welcome to Israel!”

We then accompanied Principal Brody as he gave a pep-talk to a class of Olim entering their 6th month of studying past-tense verbs. “!אנחנו בכיתה ב’ ואנחנו נשארים בכיתה ב’ – לא רק בדקדוק, בהכל” Mr. Brody explained, as the audience looked on in various states of confusion. After the speech, the Daily Freier was able to speak with some of the students about their experience at this exciting new Ulpan.

“I’m desperate. This might be my last chance at learning Hebrew.” explained Oleh Not-So-Hadash and Ulpan Gordon Veteran Jeff Schwartz. “I just hope to one day speak Hebrew as well as Mr. Brody.”

We then spoke with the Daily Freier’s very own Emily Goldstein about her time at the school. “So I wasn’t sure about which Ulpan to choose, but then I met this really cute guy from Argentina named Esteban at the open-house, so here I am!” Emily explained. “It’s really great here, I mean it doesn’t even feel like school!” Emily then looked silently into the distance for half a minute before continuing. “So, I don’t know how other Ulpans work, but yesterday we spent all morning setting picks and running Zone Defense. Is that normal?”

As we got up to leave, Principal Brody invited us to attend a ceremony next week where several graduates will draft directly into the IDF’s elite Olah Hadashah Code Talker Unit.

Aliyah, Start Up Nation

Oleh who actually converted his foreign Drivers License gives TED Talk

Daily Freier TED Talk*Based on a true story!

By Emily Goldstein and Mark Levy

Last Updated 11/21/2017 at 2:20 PM

Namal Tel Aviv: Israel’s Olim Community turned out in their finest outfits at Tel Aviv’s upscale Namal Port for the event of the season: a TED Talk by a recent immigrant to Israel entitled “I converted my Foreign License and got a valid Israeli Drivers License”. Jeff Schwartz, an Oleh (Sorta) Hadash mesmerized the crowd with his story of personal courage and determination and the harrowing test of wills he experienced at Holon’s Misrad Rishui (Department of Motor Vehicles).

You see, back in the Old Days, Israel determined that somewhere on the Nefesh B’ Nefesh flight over here, Olim forgot the ability to operate a motor vehicle. Therefore, they needed to take a drivers test administered by bureaucrats who totally did not have a  lucrative side deal going with Israeli driving instructors. Anyhoo, thanks to the good people at Keep Olim in Israel, the law changed. And now it’s completely simple to convert your foreign drivers license to an Israeli one. HaHa! Just some “Only in Israel!” humor for you! The whole thing is still a total mess! And we love it! Because once again, this topic has rescued the Daily Freier from Writer’s Block! Here on Planet Israel, there are actually thousands of dedicated public servants in the Motor Vehicle Department. And each of them is very diligently observing to the letter of the law their own personal interpretation and philosophy as to what the rules “really” mean.

Before the speech, the Daily Freier was able to speak with Ada, the Clerk at the Motor Vehicle Department who gave Jeff his license. “We demand that you bring a valid foreign license as well as proof that you have driven for more than 5 years….. So he brought every drivers license he has ever owned from New Mexico, Florida, Oregon, and the American Military. He said he had kept them all “just in case”….. this man was a bizarre weirdo with clear hoarder tendencies….. I really respected that.”

So by actually taking the bus to Holon and hanging out in the Motor Vehicle Department all day and leaving with a license… well Jeff is a bit of a folk hero now. And people want to know his secret to success.

“He’s basically my role model” explained Grant, a South African Oleh as the crowds left tonight’s talk and stepped into the Tel Aviv evening. “I think he should be in some sort of  ‘Profiles in Aliyah Courage’ or something.”

“He’s so fearless!” explained an Olah named Melissa to the Daily Freier’s Emily Goldstein. “I really feel like I need to get to know him better.” Melissa confided as she absent-mindedly twirled her hair.

Due to the overwhelming success of his speeches, Jeff has several more TED Talks planned this winter, to include:

1) “I bought fruit in the Shuk without getting screwed on the prices”
2) “I have more than 2 Israeli friends”
3) “HOT cable returned my phone call”
4) “The cab drivers at Savidor Station don’t think I’m a freier”

Shameless Self Promotion, Sheikh Nasrallah

Hezbollah TV airs the Daily Freier movie but renames it “That Idiot Jew”

Daily Freier Hezbollha TV That Idiot JewBy Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 9/22/2017 at 11:50 AM

South Beirut: The Daily Freier has received some unsolicited and somewhat unwanted publicity lately. Hezbollah, an organization that lately has seemed better at killing Sunni Muslims than it is at killing Israelis, has its very own television station called “Al-Manar”. And Al-Manar just aired the Daily Freier Movie, only they shortened the title from “American Oleh trapped in Ulpan Gordon for Seven Years” to “That Idiot Jew“. The Daily Freier tried to call Sheikh Nasrallah for an interview, but he’s scared the Mossad would trace the call. So we settled for Hussein, a production assistant at Al-Manar TV.

“We really felt this was a story for the whole family.” explained Hussein. “Mothers, fathers, children, grandparents…. they can all sit together in the evening and enjoy the story of this walid majnoon named Jeff.”

Yet it was not only Al-Manar that loved the show, but also the average man and woman on the street. The Daily Freier asked one of our friends at Reuters to wander South Beirut and ask random people how they feel about the Daily Freier movie.

“That ridiculous Jew named Jeff! He is so stupid!” chuckled a barrel-chested guy with a mustache named Jaffar. “I will keep tuning in to see if he learns future tense verbs. But I doubt this will happen.”

“I really loved the show! He is such a fool!” exclaimed Fatima. She then quickly looked around to make sure nobody was listening and lowered her voice to a whisper. “I know it’s Haram… but I find ‘Jeff’ strangely attractive.”

Word of Al-Manar’s airing of “That Idiot Jew” has even moved beyond Lebanon and is now enjoying popularity abroad. Famed singer/songwriter/activist/dick Roger Waters was quite excited about the new show. “Finally! a show that really has a message!” Roger exclaimed.

While Al-Manar has enjoyed significant success with their new show, it has not come without protest from the Daily Freier itself. Our editor Yuval Weiss shared his anger during an interview with CNN earlier today.

Yuval: What Hezbollah Television did was illegal! It was immoral! and we are not going to…..

CNN: We have just learned that your website has 500,000 unique hits today alone. Additionally, a Muslim Dating Site wants to purchase a 2 month block of advertising on the Daily Freier. How does this…

Yuval: On second thought, we all must try to show greater empathy. We reluctantly accept Hezbollah’s actions in the name of cultural sensitivity.

In another piece of good news, after watching Hezbollah TV’s version of our movie, The New Israel Fund just offered us a 50,000 Shekel grant.

Aliyah, Hebrew

American Oleh trapped in Ulpan Gordon for 7 Years

Jeff Schwartz 2

(Editor’s Note: See the video version of this article here!)

By Yekutiel Bornstein and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 9/27/2016 at 5:45 PM

Tel Aviv, LaSalle: Today the Daily Freier shares a story of setbacks, the Triumph of the Human Spirit, and an inability to memorize basic verb forms. Now entering his 8th year in Kita Bet, Oleh Not-So-Hadash Jeff S. is still unable to pass the end of course exam, and is thus trapped inside of the Ulpan Gordon Language School in Tel Aviv.  The Daily Freier spoke with Jeff during his 10 AM break.

“I don’t know what I’m doing wrong” wondered Jeff.  “It just feels like I’m in some sort of rut. I mean, my Hebrew hasn’t really improved since Obama’s first Term, but then again my conversational Russian and French are really getting good!”

Despite Jeff’s failings as a student, the dedicated faculty have not given up on him. When he finally mastered Past Tense Verbs last year, the teachers threw him a party. “It was kind of like a Bar Mitzvah.” explained Ulpan Gordon’s Principal, wiping away tears. “And when he made the Bracha on the wine, he was just as illiterate as he was back in 2009.”

Unable to graduate and thus depart the premises, Jeff survives from day-to-day on the snack bar, occasional birthday cake, and emergency rations from the U.S. Embassy Citizens’ Services Section. Various Birthright tours passing through drop off messages from his family, as well as Hebrew flashcards.

The years of isolation have taken their toll on Jeff. He currently makes cultural reference from the 2000’s Decade, to include “Friendster“, “You’re Fired“, and “The OC“. He is currently unaware of Post-First Generation iPhones. His “Arrested Development” quotes are still funny though.

Jeff has become somewhat of an institution at Ulpan Gordon. His current teacher, Shirli, is in fact the daughter of his first teacher in 2009, Nava.  “B’zrat HaShem, some day my granddaughter or grandson will teach him.” mused Nava. Shirli also shared her mother’s affection for Jeff.  “He gets along really well with my family. My five-year old Uri adores him. But lately, Uri’s been expanding his vocabulary and finds their conversations somewhat limited and a bit boring.”

In addition to Jeff’s friendships with the faculty, he has managed to maintain somewhat of a social life as well. In 2010, Jeff dated, married, and got divorced from a French Olah in his class. Nava explained the situation to us. “We held the reception in the auditorium. We had soda, cake, and a slide show. It was actually quite tasteful.” In order to get all sides of the story, the Daily Freier contacted Joane, Jeff’s ex. “I really enjoyed class with Jeff. But he was never there for me to help around the house.”  explained Joane.

Many people wonder just how this tragedy has been allowed to go on so long. The Daily Freier contacted the Misrad HaKlitah (Ministry of Absorbtion) to find out. “Normally, recent immigrants are only granted 5 months of free Hebrew lessons.” explained Uzi, from the Front Desk. “But we really just want to see where this ends up. So every 5 months we extend his benefits.  We actually have a bit of a betting pool going.” Uzi then lowered his voice to a whisper and leaned in closer to us. “By the way, just curious, but when you saw him, was he able to name all of the Hebrew Vowels yet?”

The Daily Freier then contacted Nefesh B’Nefesh to demand answers on how they allowed this situation to continue.  A Dati Leumi woman from their Jerusalem Office named BatSheva or Elisheva or JustSheva answered our phone call. “Whenever an Oleh from North America stays here more than six months without moving back, we consider this a win.  So he’s really good for our statistics.”

UPDATE: The IDF mounted a clandestine operation this evening to rescue Jeff from Ulpan Gordon, as they have a Squad Leader position in their Olah Hadashah Code Talker Unit that needs to be filled.

 

 

 

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