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By Mark Levy

Last Updated 10/19/2018 at 6:00 PM

Jerusalem Navon Station: There were cheers and celebrations today in Start-Up Nation after a High Speed Train came, like, “this close” to making the Tel Aviv-Jerusalem run quicker than a “very fast” sherut. You see, the High Speed rail is something that Israel is quite proud of. Even though it took 18 years to build just 50 kilometers of line. And you have to switch trains at the Airport. And the first leg is on a normal train. And you are supposed to make reservations on line. But they don’t check. And the train drops you in the Jerusalem railroad station approximately 3 Gazillion meters underground. And the escalator ride to the top lasts longer than some Tel Aviv relationships. But anyhoo, today the ride was extra fast. So fast in fact that there were moments when it appeared that the train might overtake the Sherut (a shared minibus taxi) that had left Tel Aviv’s Central Bus Station at the same time that the train had left Tel Aviv’s Savidor Station. The Daily Freier went up to Jerusalem to get all the facts.

“We are quite proud of our High Speed rail’s performance today.” explained Israel Rail spokesperson Sarit K. “Our riders got here almost as quickly as people who rode in a van from the 1980’s.” Sarit continued. “In addition, we feel it isn’t very fair to make the comparison. I mean, we were up against Moti, one of their more aggressive Sherut drivers.” Sarit dropped her voice to a whisper. “I heard that he didn’t even stop at all of the red lights either.“

The Daily Freier asked Sarit if maybe High Speed Rail would aim for a higher metric than beating a minibus. “Today we almost beat a Sherut. Who knows, maybe in 2019 we will almost beat the Number 480 Bus.”

UPDATE: In an effort to make their High Speed Rail even more competitive with traditional forms of mass transit, Israel Rail announced that all trains will now play tinny high-pitched Israeli music from the 1970’s out of busted out speakers, display a weathered photo of Rabbi Ovadia Yosef on the dashboard, and have an old compact disc hanging from the conductor’s rear view mirror.

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 9/4/2016 at 8:45 PM

Tel Aviv, Savidor Central Train Station: The economy took a significant hit when the two Haredi men in Israel with full-time jobs were delayed in getting to work today because the Government chose to halt needed infrastructure on several on Israel’s rail system on Shabbat following pressure from the Shas and United Torah Judaism Political Parties. The Daily Freier walked (traffic was backed up!) down to Savidor to speak with both affected Haredi commuters, Shmuel and Chaim.

“This stinks. My boss is going to kill me!” said Shmuel, from Bnai Barak, as he waited for the train to Herzliya to get to his job as an accountant. “But it’s important to get to work so I can pay my taxes! Just like everyone else!” When the Daily Freier explained to Shmuel that his political parties were responsible for the Balagan, Shmuel argued that the crisis was equally due to the fact that Netanyahu and his Transportation Minister maintained a working relationship more appropriate to a “Gossip Girl” episode. “Not that I ever watched that show. Or, like, TV in general.” he quickly added.

Chaim, on his way from Beit Shemesh to his job in Ramat Aviv, was equally concerned. “My boss is going to dock my pay one hour. But that’s OK. It just goes to show that we’re all in this together!” As he sat on the platform waiting for the train that wasn’t arriving, Shmuel tried to stay positive. “This is really inconvenient, but Hey! Life goes on. I mean, it’s not like the movement of military personnel was delayed by this or anything. Wait, cancel that thought.“

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