Ramle Prison: Officials at this Central Israel Correctional Institution were pleasantly surprised today when they learned that they’ve been granted an improvement to their facilities. Member of Knesset Aryeh Deri (Shas) added a Line Item to their annual budget request, granting funds to install a Shabbat Elevator. Such a device allows religiously observant people to save time and energy by taking an elevator while not violating the laws of Shabbat. The Daily Freier spoke with prison spokesperson Yoni D.
“We are very thankful for Minister Deri’s assistance. This addition to our physical plant will make life easier for those prisoners who are Shomre Shabbat, and will add to the overall quality of life……but to be honest, nobody in our Accounting & Budget Office can remember actually asking for this. Does he know something we don’t know?”
By The Daily Freier Martyrs Brigade, a Division of +972
Last Updated 7/3/2022
Al-Quds: In a dramatic last-minute political coup, Prime Minister Hanin Zoabi clinched a majority coalition after promising the Shas and United Torah Judaism political parties increased subsidies, a complete deferment of military service for Yeshiva Students, full veto power over future conversions, plus total control over the Western Wall. The newly re-named Daily Freier Martyrs Brigade was on the scene at the Knesset Majlis to get all of the details on this exciting development.
A defiant MK Litzman explained his decision to join Prime Minister Zoabi’s Cabinet. “People are saying this may be the end of the State of Israel, and I tell them ‘So what?’ I mean, we stood up for principles and refused to give in to a bunch of fake Jews. Plus, our subsidies went up 20%. Now if you’ll excuse me, Foreign Minister Tibi is calling a meeting on Implementation Phase One for the Right of Return.”
Despite a final push to unite the Zionist Parties and withstand Zoabi’s coalition, it was all for naught. At a hastily held Press Conference, their former leaders tried to make sense of it all. Zehava Gal-On admitted that it would have been smarter to also campaign east of Ibn Gavriol Boulevard. Next, Bougie Herzog was supposed to address the audience but nobody remembered to call him. Later, Tzipi Livni explained how things would have worked out better if she had been in charge. Meanwhile, a despondent Bibi Netanyahu sulked in the corner. “I can’t believe that Shas and United Torah Judaism would betray me like this. I mean, what kind of person goes back on a deal simply for a short-term political gain?”
For her part, Prime Minister Zoabi was quite relaxed about the maneuver. “I had to promise them full control over the Wall and the Conversion process. But I figure, ‘Let the Dhimmis sort out the Dhimmis.’ You know what I’m saying? Not my business…. Plus, I had to promise Universal Draft Deferments for all Yeshiva students between the age of 18 and 40, but it was worth it. Besides, I have no idea what General Barghouti will want to do with the “IDF” once it merges into Fatah’s Security Service.”
Jerusalem, The Knesset: In a move described as “bold“, “courageous“, and “resolute“, Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu has vowed that despite going back on the Western Wall Agreement, he will continue accepting money from Diaspora Jews regardless of their level of religiosity or political stands. The Daily Freier attended a Press Conference in Jerusalem where Bibi explained his stand.
“Jews in the Diaspora, Make no mistake: No matter your stands on the Kotel, or conversions, or the Rabbanut….. we in Israel will never stop cashing your checks. And for those of you who are afraid that Israel doesn’t respect you, let me say again…. I will always cash your checks.”
After his Press Conference, the Prime Minister had a question and answer session, with Bibi providing the questions and answers. “In these days of a rising BDS Movement, what can we do to truly tell the World’s second biggest Jewish community that we are all in this together?” asked Prime Minister Netanyahu. “If you answered “throw Reform and Conservative Jews under the bus and renege on a previous agreement“, then award yourself a prize.”
“This stinks. My boss is going to kill me!” said Shmuel, from Bnai Barak, as he waited for the train to Herzliya to get to his job as an accountant. “But it’s important to get to work so I can pay my taxes! Just like everyone else!” When the Daily Freier explained to Shmuel that his political parties were responsible for the Balagan, Shmuel argued that the crisis was equally due to the fact that Netanyahu and his Transportation Minister maintained a working relationship more appropriate to a “Gossip Girl” episode. “Not that I ever watched that show. Or, like, TV in general.” he quickly added.
Chaim, on his way from Beit Shemesh to his job in Ramat Aviv, was equally concerned. “My boss is going to dock my pay one hour. But that’s OK. It just goes to show that we’re all in this together!” As he sat on the platform waiting for the train that wasn’t arriving, Shmuel tried to stay positive. “This is really inconvenient, but Hey! Life goes on. I mean, it’s not like the movement of military personnel was delayed by this or anything. Wait, cancel that thought.“
Tel Aviv, The Old North: A grassroots community effort is about to pay off, with 10,000 signatures gathered to date in an effort to name the Atarim Plaza as a Palestinian Heritage Site under the auspices of the United Nations Education, Scientific, Cultural Organization (UNESCO). Alert local Ronit S. explained her team’s efforts to date. “After the Palestinians tried and failed to name the Western Wall as theirs at UNESCO, we felt we needed to throw them a bone. Plus it’s like totally gross. So we canvassed the neighborhood around the Harbor and the beaches. Everyone seemed really enthusiastic, almost as if they wanted to just give the place away….. Except the kids who were skateboarding in the plaza…..And the guy we met who built his own shack in the basement of the old parking garage….Oh and the guys we saw walking out of the Pussycat Lounge. They seemed to like things just the way they are. I even saw my boyfriend walking out of the Lounge, but he said he was only there because he had to pee.”
Reaction across the Israeli political spectrum was mixed. Noted Haaretz columnist Gideon Levy was apprehensive. “I like the “Idea” of a Palestinian self-governing area, but you know, someplace else. Like in places I don’t want to go. You know, anywhere east of the Ayalon Highway. But this…. it is AWFULLY close to some of my favorite breakfast places. I just don’t know. It’s all so CLOSE.”
MK Aryeh Deri (Shas) appeared to have reservations as well, but indicated that his fears would be allayed if somebody gave him some money. MK Oren Hazan (Likud) also raised concerns. “If Atarim Square becomes Palestinian, does this mean people won’t be able to visit the Pussycat Lounge? .…Asking for a friend.”
Jerusalem: In a dramatic political move, Shas Party leader Aryeh Deri agreed to join the Prime Minister’s coalition in exchange for half of the proceeds from Bibi and Sara Netanyahu’s deposit bottle returns. At first Shas was reluctant about the scenario. “When I found out that the Prime Minister and his wife were turning in bottles from state events and keeping the deposit money, I was livid…….that I didn’t get a piece of the action!” noted Shas leader Aryeh Deri. “It’s not much, but 30 Agurot here and 30 Agurot there, and soon you’ve got $155,000!” In addition, as part of the agreement, Shas was promised the Economy Ministry. Subsequently, today the Economy Ministry today mandated that catering for future State Events must use bottles no larger than 250 milliliters.
As the interview ended, Mr. Deri asked if the Daily Freier had any money, and if so, would we like to give some of it to Mr. Deri.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.