Tag: Sherut

Start Up Nation, Transportation October 19, 2018

High-Speed Train reaches Jerusalem just minutes after High-Speed Sherut

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 10/19/2018 at 6:00 PM

Jerusalem Navon Station: There were cheers and celebrations today in Start-Up Nation after a High Speed Train came, like, “this close” to making the Tel Aviv-Jerusalem run quicker than a “very fast” sherut. You see, the High Speed rail is something that Israel is quite proud of. Even though it took 18 years to build just 50 kilometers of line. And you have to switch trains at the Airport. And the first leg is on a normal train. And you are supposed to make reservations on line. But they don’t check. And the train drops you in the Jerusalem railroad station approximately 3 Gazillion meters underground. And the escalator ride to the top lasts longer than some Tel Aviv relationships. But anyhoo, today the ride was extra fast. So fast in fact that there were moments when it appeared that the train might overtake the Sherut (a shared minibus taxi) that had left Tel Aviv’s Central Bus Station at the same time that the train had left Tel Aviv’s Savidor Station. The Daily Freier went up to Jerusalem to get all the facts.

“We are quite proud of our High Speed rail’s performance today.” explained Israel Rail spokesperson Sarit K. “Our riders got here almost as quickly as people who rode in a van from the 1980’s.” Sarit continued. “In addition, we feel it isn’t very fair to make the comparison. I mean, we were up against Moti, one of their more aggressive Sherut drivers.” Sarit dropped her voice to a whisper. “I heard that he didn’t even stop at all of the red lights either.“

The Daily Freier asked Sarit if maybe High Speed Rail would aim for a higher metric than beating a minibus. “Today we almost beat a Sherut. Who knows, maybe in 2019 we will almost beat the Number 480 Bus.”

UPDATE: In an effort to make their High Speed Rail even more competitive with traditional forms of mass transit, Israel Rail announced that all trains will now play tinny high-pitched Israeli music from the 1970’s out of busted out speakers, display a weathered photo of Rabbi Ovadia Yosef on the dashboard, and have an old compact disc hanging from the conductor’s rear view mirror.

Secret Tel Aviv September 24, 2017September 24, 2017

Secret Tel Aviv under investigation for Cat-Pimping

EDITOR’S NOTE: We blacked out the name of the cat’s owner. But if you are that person, the Daily Freier wants to help you get your cat laid and will be happy to add any relevent contact info to this post. Let us know.

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 9/24/2017 at 12:30 PM

Ramat Gan: Popular Facebook page “Secret Tel Aviv” is a useful resource for the city’s English-speaking community, serving as a way to locate your lost underwear, sell “somebody else’s” Adult movie collection, or to find a sweater for your pet chicken

Yet today the site is in a bit of trouble with the Authorities. Just before Shabbat, a Ramat Gan woman wrote a post attempting to procure a female cat for her male Sphynx named “Yoda” to have sexual relations with. Now the Tel Aviv Police Department’s cyber-crimes unit is investigating this possible case of cat-pimping. The Daily Freier walked down to the police station on Dizengoff to get all the facts.

“What we are uncovering is really unprecedented.” explained a detective named Sivan. “I mean, this may be the first time anybody ever used Secret Tel Aviv to have sex. If we don’t move quickly, Secret Tel Aviv could turn into the sort of site where women ask for advice on the best skin care options in Tel Aviv and a bunch of sketchy dudes make the same perverted joke. Imagine that!”

The Daily Freier then took the time to speak to several passersby at Shuk HaCarmel about this disturbing development. “I am very worried about the direction that Secret Tel Aviv is taking recently.” explained alert local Ronit S. “I mean, at this rate, they might even open their own Sperm Bank. Wait, never mind.”

Naturally, the post was so strange that Secret Tel Aviv’s readers chose to ignore it and….. JUST KIDDING! They lost their minds! There were 80 comments before the Admins shut it down! A third of them were women (Yes. They were ALL Women) urging the owner to get Yoda’s junk “snipped”. A third of them were people trying to facilitate a cat hookup. And a third of them just stopped by to stare.

In order to get a more balanced view on this story, the Daily Freier reached out to Tel Aviv’s cat community for their opinion, which wasn’t really that difficult, because our Vaad Bayit leaves food for them outside our building and they are ALWAYS AROUND. Anyway, we spoke to a Calico named “Phoebe” who shared her opinions on this urgent topic. “So my girlfriends showed me the post because I’ve been single since June and I have to admit he was kinda cute….. but then I saw that he lives all the way out in Ramat Gan. So yeah… thanks but no thanks. I am NOT doing the Walk of Shame on the 66 Sherut.“

Dating and Relationships, Tel Aviv Living, Transportation August 19, 2017

UPDATE: Tel Aviv women LOVED our story comparing their exes to city buses. Men? Not so much.

By Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 8/19/2017 at 12:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Central Bus Station: So last month the Daily Freier basically just sat in the corner with pen and paper while a couple of women talked. and talked. and talked .…published a story based on the observations of several Tel Aviv women and how their exes compare to the city’s bus lines. And the story received literally hundreds of likes and shares! And as many as four of them were from men! So yeah, there was a bit of a gender imbalance as to who, like, LOVED LOVED LOVED the story…. and who did not. Ladies of Tel Aviv, it appears you had a lot on your mind.

Daily Freier guest writer Mia Deych started off. “Bus 172. He takes you very close to Gordon beach. Like Ben Yehuda close. He stays out late on Fridays, but then he goes to Holon. Yeah, he hangs out in Tel Aviv all the time, but…. he lives in Holon. Still better than Lod or Ashkelon.”

Next was local woman ‘Rose’ . “LMAO! love it! so true! the 189… the hot startup guy that thinks he’s too smart for you. But he’ll reluctantly take you around on his new shiny hoverboard.“

Then there’s the 126. “Never quite sure if he’s right for you. Are your goals aligned? Or will he forget to turn and suddenly you’re stuck on the other side of the Yarkon?”

It was at this point that one local man chimed in on Secret Tel Aviv. “Obviously these girls are dating the wrong guys.“…..Aaaaaand that worked out for him about as well as you think it did.

Tel Avivian ‘Amanda’ described the #5 Sherut. “It’s the one that is always there, but you never fully appreciate. He’s your back up plan when other options fail, and always seems to be around when you need him. Even on Shabbat. You will never seriously date the 5… but tell him that whoever does ‘is seriously the luckiest girl.’” Ouch.

Some buses are quite the opposite. Natalie clued us in. “The 10 to Jaffa: the one who plays seriously hard to get.“

Some of you have just opted out of all the drama. “That’s why I walk.” noted Elizabeth.

And then we got to the French girls. HaTzarfatiot: ‘Radioo’, ‘Musidora’, ‘Sarah’, ‘Jess’, and ‘Audrey’. shared their ideas with the group. We don’t really understand French, but their comments looked so cool! Like this one!

“Nous on aime juste l’idée que nos ex finissent sous un bus. “

We were just positive that they said something hot and exotic…. Then we translated it:

“We just love the idea that our exes end up under a bus.”

OMG.

Dating and Relationships, Tel Aviv Living, Transportation July 21, 2017July 21, 2017

Tel Aviv women compare the city’s bus lines to their ex-boyfriends

By Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 7/21/2017 at 5:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Dizengoff: Recently a group of Tel Aviv women made a dramatic discovery: the city’s various bus routes bore far more than a passing resemblance to their experiences with Tel Aviv men…. past, present, and future. Some are fast. Some are slow. Some are reliable. Some will take you places you’ve never been. Some never show up. The Daily Freier stopped in for a nice girl chat and some serious dishing over drinks.

Aurelia started off. “Some buses are amazing but fickle.” she explained. “The Number 13? Promises to take you from Allenby to Tel Aviv University in less than twenty minutes? Yeah, he’s the best…. when he shows up. He’s the hot guy you really like who one day totally up and left for Europe without telling you. But he’s totally passionate and you really did feel a connection. So, yeah. If you catch him while he’s in town he’s totally down for a booty call.”

But not all the buses are that exciting or frustrating. Rachel explained “So then there’s the 25 Route. Reliable. Takes it slow… On time…. Lame. He’s the Beta that you friend-zoned. I mean I guess you could take him home. But he’s boring a-f.”

Of course some buses are reliable AND exciting. Aurelia broke it down for us. “The 289? Adventurous. It goes north AND south. He goes EVERYWHERE. I mean the 289 is just an all around catch… like you’ll probably go traveling together and shit.”

Rachel thought for a moment. “Remember that guy you kinda liked but not liked-liked? He’s the 125. You know, the one you didn’t mean to go so far with, but ended up all the way down…. South.” Rachel quickly clarified her statement. “I meant like Yafo.”

Then there are the…. unorthodox routes. Arielle explained. “The 66? He’s the guy everyone’s been with. Kinda skanky. Lives with his parents in Ramat Gan. Not bad….but not good either. ”

When asked if Sheruts factor into the equation, Arielle was quick to note the 4א Route. “Remember him? You met him like ONCE at a party two years ago. Seemed cool. Then he ghosted you. Never. Saw him. Again.”

Fashion, Start Up Nation, Tel Aviv Living October 25, 2016October 24, 2018

Tel Aviv is going crazy for new Perfume “Sherut Number 5”

(Disclaimer: Our lawyers say that this font really doesn’t resemble anything.)

By Emily Goldstein and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 10/25/2016 at 12:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Dizengoff: The city’s “Who’s Who” are just about losing their minds about the hot new perfume hitting the streets: “Sherut Number 5“, inspired by the smell of a Tel Aviv shared taxi. The Daily Freier’s very own Emily Goldstein and Aaron Pomerantz attended the product launch today by Dizengoff Square and spoke with the designers of this hot new product.

Lead designer Orit K. explained the origins of the perfume. “So last year, we launched ‘Tahanah Merkazit’, the cologne for men who want to smell like the Central Bus Station. And the reaction was great. But a lot of women in Tel Aviv were left asking ‘So when will there be a product that also lets US smell like cigarette smoke, B.O, and poor decisions?’ So here we are. Welcome to Israel.”

Product testing Team Leader Stav C. then interjected to explain how they created the specific ingredients for Sherut Number 5. “On Thursday nights, our teams would get on the Sherut at Rothschild and ride all the way to Ibn Gavriol. They took atmosphere samples as they picked up and dropped off passengers. We really wanted to capture the sights, the sounds, the secretions, and the smells that make Sherut Number 5 so special“.

Orit cautioned us that the product was incredibly powerful and offered the testimony of local guy “Yoav”, who initially attended today’s product launch because he saw women and a table of free food. “I don’t know what happened, but when I smelled the perfume on the spokesmodels, all of my critical thinking skills went out the window. I felt as if I needed to hit on them no matter how ridiculous my game was or how inappropriate the timing. It was like…. like….. like I ran into a busload of girls on Birthright.”

Sherut Number 5 will be in stores early next week, and they offer shipping to Europe and North America for Chanukah.

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Start Up Nation, Tel Aviv Living July 22, 2016January 15, 2021

Tel Aviv trademarks its “Dry Pee on the Sidewalk” scent

By Aaron Pomerantz and Mark Levy

Last Updated 7/22/2016 at 5:20 PM

Tel Aviv, Allenby: The City of Tel Aviv just took deliberate steps to safeguard a critical aspect of its culture and “Brand” today: that smell of dried pee that permeates every sidewalk, especially Allenby Street. Early this morning Tel Aviv registered as a Trade-Mark the smell of dried urine on a hot and dusty sidewalk that makes Tel Aviv so special. Municipality Cultural Affairs Chairperson Safir H. took the Daily Freier on a walking tour of Central Tel Aviv this morning as she explained the City’s endeavor.

“We had to act quickly” explained Safir. “We heard that Athens and Rome were trying to muscle us out of the industry. And ever since Greece sued other countries that made feta cheese (NOTE: This really happened), we knew that they meant business. Rome and Athens are fine I guess. But I’m sorry. It’s just not the same as smelling a Tel Aviv sidewalk on a hot summer afternoon.”

The Daily Freier asked Safir how Tel Aviv’s streets were different from other countries where the sidewalks smell like pee. “I can’t quite explain it., but not all sidewalks that smell like pee are the same. Some say it’s our Mediterranean diet. Some say it’s the coffee hafuch. Some say it’s the hummus. Some say its the chutzpah. All I can say is that if you have never experienced Tel Aviv in the Summer, you need to come smell the Excitement!“

As Safir walked us around, she stopped at one particularly bad-smelling alley between Allenby and Shuk HaCarmel and started looking at the sidewalk. “Wait….. there is a hint of sunflower seeds and bamba in the aroma here. I think I know the artist who created this!” Safir then turned toward a middle aged heavyset man reading a newspaper at a nearby taxi stand. “Shlomo! Was this you????” she asked in mock anger, at which point the man grinned sheepishly and shrugged his shoulders.

The City of Tel Aviv claims that it will begin marketing the scent at those kiosks that sell Dead Sea Products all over the world. They also plan on marketing automobile air fresheners that make your car smell like the Number 5 Sherut.

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(Disclaimer: Our lawyers say that this font really doesn’t resemble anything.)

Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.