Tag: Haredi

Corona Mutations hold Speed Dating event at Bnei Brak funeral

(photo credit: Twitter)

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 2/9/2021 at 3:30 PM

Bnei Brak: Despite the ongoing lockdowns, there are still some folks out there who refuse to stop living their best life. That’s right, all of the various and evolving Corona mutations just met up for an evening of speed-dating! You see, Rabbi Haim Meir Wosner, a senior ultra-Orthodox rabbi, died on Sunday at the age of 82 from COVID-19. Thousands of mourners attended his funeral in Bnei Brak, creating the perfect forum for our friends in the Corona Mutation Community to have a “meet & greet” and just maybe meet that “special someone“. The Daily Freier was live on the scene while maintaining appropriate social distance protocols.

I’m really looking for Mr. Right.” noted Sarah, an Olah Hadasha from South Africa. “I really want to meet a guy who has done a lot of traveling. Maybe a guy from Europe!” Sarah dropped her voice down to a conspiratorial whisper. “I don’t want to jinx myself, but I’m naming my first child “Avi Ben SARS-CoV-2 VOC 2021-2/08” if it’s a boy, and “Rachel Bat SARS-CoV-2 VOC 202012/01” if it’s a girl!

While we were speaking to Sarah, a number of Olah Hadashot Corona Mutations from the United States seemed to be creating quite a stir. “OMG OMG did you hear that British mutation’s accent?” asked Leah from Boston. “It is SO. HOT.

Wanting to learn more, the Daily Freier approached this very Eligible British Bachelor Corona Virus Mutation: Richard from Manchester. “I just love the atmosphere here. Even if I don’t get a date, it’s great to meet up with all my friends.” Richard scanned the room and continued. “All of the police barriers were getting in our way and preventing us from being ‘Single Ready to Mingle’, so I was really glad when the funeral guests removed them after 10,000 people showed up!” (Real World Non-Satire Alert: This Really Happened.)

Yet not everybody was so enthusiastic about the event.  The Daily Freier spoke with “Melissa from Florida” who was busy trying to stop her girlfriend Sarit from making “a huge mistake” with a Corona Strain from Italy “who really gets around”.

Uggh, there’s Yosi. Thanks but no thanks. I’m sorry, but that guy’s been with EVERY girl at my seminary. And now he just got back from doing who-knows-what in Dubai. Sarit needs to stay away from that guy.”

But he seems NICE!” argued Sarit. “I didn’t notice anything wrong with him. He even told me his Hebrew name: Yosef Lo-Symptomati!

As the party continued to fill up, we ran into Richard again and asked him if the police might break it all up. “Don’t worry.” he replied breezily. “Bibi said it was OK.


UPDATE: A prominent Israeli psychic predicts that someone on Secret Jerusalem will be really really offended by this.

 

Outrage after cops disperse Haredi draft dodgers by throwing job applications at them

By Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 10/19/2017 at 4:00 PM

Bnai Brak: Human rights groups are in an uproar today after Israeli police used extreme measures to break up a mob blocking traffic to protest the jailing of Haredi draft dodgers. With traffic at a standstill, police took the unprecedented step of bombarding the protesters with a combination of job applications, brochures for the Nahal Haredi religious combat unit, and applications for vocational/skills training, and thus forced the rioters to flee in panic. The Daily Freier rushed to the scene to get all the facts.

As police continued to disperse the mob and open lanes for traffic, on-scene Commander Mickey S. explained his team’s tactics. “So they kept running into traffic, blocking cars, and annoying our horses. We had no idea what to do. Anyway, after they called us Nazis and Shiksas for about an hour, I had an idea. It was like, I don’t know… what is the one thing that Superman hates? Kryptonite? So what if there was Kryptonite….  for work-shy professional tough guys who only act tough in big groups and when confronting lone female soldiers. And then we remembered the riots last winter. And the idea hit me: Jobs! These guys are scared to death of jobs! So we gathered up a bunch of job applications and started throwing them at the rioters. Worked like magic.

For their part, the protesters were NOT happy. The Daily Freier caught up with one young man named Nahum as he hurried back to study (Ha Ha! Just kidding! He was smoking cigarettes and yelling at cops from a safe distance!). “This was inhuman! They acted like Nazis!” As the Daily Freier rushed to write down Nahum’s statement, he suddenly looked at our notepad. “Wait. Is that a job application? Get that away from me!

As the rioters slowly drifted off, Nahum promised that they would return in even greater numbers tomorrow, just as soon as they checked to see if their monthly educational stipend checks arrived from the Government yet.

 

 

 

July 2022: Prime Minister Zoabi forms Coalition after promising Shas & Haredim control of the Kotel plus Army Deferments

By The Daily Freier Martyrs Brigade, a Division of +972

Last Updated 7/3/2022

Al-Quds: In a dramatic last-minute political coup, Prime Minister Hanin Zoabi clinched a majority coalition after promising the Shas and United Torah Judaism political parties increased subsidies, a complete deferment of military service for Yeshiva Students, full veto power over future conversions, plus total control over the Western Wall. The newly re-named Daily Freier Martyrs Brigade was on the scene at the Knesset  Majlis to get all of the details on this exciting development.

A defiant MK Litzman explained his decision to join Prime Minister Zoabi’s Cabinet. “People are saying this may be the end of the State of Israel, and I tell them ‘So what?’ I mean, we stood up for principles and refused to give in to a bunch of fake Jews. Plus, our subsidies went up 20%. Now if you’ll excuse me, Foreign Minister Tibi is calling a meeting on Implementation Phase One for the Right of Return.

Despite a final push to unite the Zionist Parties and withstand Zoabi’s coalition, it was all for naught. At a hastily held Press Conference, their former leaders tried to make sense of it all. Zehava Gal-On admitted that it would have been smarter to also campaign east of Ibn Gavriol Boulevard.  Next, Bougie Herzog was supposed to address the audience but nobody remembered to call him. Later, Tzipi Livni explained how things would have worked out better if she had been in charge. Meanwhile, a despondent Bibi Netanyahu sulked in the corner. “I can’t believe that Shas and United Torah Judaism would betray me like this. I mean, what kind of person goes back on a deal simply for a short-term political gain?

For her part, Prime Minister Zoabi was quite relaxed about the maneuver. “I had to promise them full control over the Wall and the Conversion process. But I figure, ‘Let the Dhimmis sort out the Dhimmis.’ You know what I’m saying? Not my business…. Plus, I had to promise Universal Draft Deferments for all Yeshiva students between the age of 18 and 40, but it was worth it. Besides, I have no idea what General Barghouti will want to do with the “IDF” once it merges into Fatah’s Security Service.”

#SorryNotSorry

Haredim end Anti-Draft Riots “because it was starting to feel like a job”

By Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 2/16/2017 at 3:00 PM

Jerusalem, Mea She’arim: The rioting by some members of the Haredi Community against conscription in the Israeli Army began to break up today, because after a week of activity many of them complained that it felt like a job. Like where you have to show up to work at the same time and place every day or something. The Daily Freier’s resident Semi-on-the-Derech reporter Yekutiel Bornstein was on the scene getting all of the facts.

At first, everything was fine.” noted protester Moshe D. “We beat up a Haredi guy who volunteered for the Army, blocked traffic, and pulled the tail of a police horse. Good times…. But after a few days, it just got weird. Being expected to show up. Day in, day out. No matter the weather. And being expected to do things. It felt like a…..like a…. not sure the word for this.”

Like a job?” interjected the Daily Freier helpfully

Yeah, that’s it. Like a job. And we’re not having that.

The Daily Freier also tried to get to the heart of the matter by learning the motivations of the protesters. “The Government’s rules are ridiculous. I mean, it’s not like the Torah instructs us to defend Eretz Yisrael with our life or anything like that. So we really want the public to understand our situation and sympathize it.” explained semi-permanent Yeshiva student Yakov C.  “That’s why we decided to block traffic during rush hour and call Law Enforcement officers ‘Nazis’ and female officers ‘Shiksas’. I think we’re making real progress.”

Finally, the Daily Freier asked the Law Enforcement who responded to the riots for their perspective on the events. Jerusalem Police Sergeant Avner H. gave his impression. “This was a difficult protest to break up. These guys were tough, lots of fight in them.” The Daily Freier asked Sergeant Avner if there was a way to prevent such riots from occurring in the future.  Avner thought for a moment and replied “That’s a good question. If only there was some sort of organized activity that channels the aggression and energy of young men while providing them discipline and structure…..But I can’t think of anything right now, can you?

 

Both Haredi Guys in Israel with Jobs arrive late for Work today after Shabbat train repairs Cancelled

 September 4, 2016 Both Haredi Guys in Israel with Jobs arrive Late for Work Today after Shabbat train repairs cancelled Daily Freier

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 9/4/2016 at 8:45 PM

Tel Aviv, Savidor Central Train Station: The economy took a significant hit when the two Haredi men in Israel with full-time jobs were delayed in getting to work today because the Government chose to halt needed infrastructure  on several on Israel’s rail system on Shabbat following pressure from the Shas and United Torah Judaism Political Parties.  The Daily Freier walked (traffic was backed up!) down to Savidor to speak with both affected Haredi commuters, Shmuel and Chaim.

This stinks.  My boss is going to kill me!” said Shmuel, from Bnai Barak, as he waited for the train to Herzliya to get to his job as an accountant. “But it’s important to get to work so I can pay my taxes! Just like everyone else!” When the Daily Freier explained to Shmuel that his political parties were responsible for the Balagan, Shmuel argued that the crisis was equally due to the fact that Netanyahu and his Transportation Minister maintained a working relationship more appropriate to a “Gossip Girl” episode. “Not that I ever watched that show. Or, like, TV in general.” he quickly added.

Chaim, on his way from Beit Shemesh to his job in Ramat Aviv, was equally concerned. “My boss is going to dock my pay one hour. But that’s OK. It just goes to show that we’re all in this together!”  As he sat on the platform waiting for the train that wasn’t arriving, Shmuel tried to stay positive. “This is really inconvenient, but Hey! Life goes on. I mean, it’s not like the movement of military personnel was delayed by this or anything. Wait, cancel that thought.

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