(Based on a True Story!)

By Mark Levy & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 8/28/2023 at 1:50 PM

Jerusalem, Machane Yehuda: The city’s Foodie community is abuzz today with news of the latest Hot Pop-Up in the Machane Yehuda market. “Yoni’s Crowdsource Kitchen” has a diverse menu consisting of Israeli favorites, Italian dishes, Tapas, and even some Asian Fusion. But here’s the catch. they don’t own a refrigerator. Or a freezer. Or a pantry. Customers place their orders, then the kitchen staff go onto popular community Facebook page “Secret Jerusalem” and ask random strangers to give them the required ingredients!

So what’s going on with Secret Jerusalem that it would become Ground Zero for Ingredient Schnorring? You see, Secret Tel Aviv used to be a veritable Wildlife Preserve of Anglo Olim Public Mishigas. But the Indigenous Population were displaced by settlers Native Israelis discovered Secret Tel Aviv so now it’s lost that goofy feeling from circa 2016 when a woman publicly sought out the owners of the men’s boxers that got mixed in with her laundry at the laundromat (really), a woman tried to pimp out her cat (really), a dude tried to sell “someone else’s” porn collection (really), and Secret Tel Aviv founder Jonny Stark signed a sperm bank as an Affiliate (really). Now oversharing Anglo Olim are seeing their natural habitat shrinking, and Secret Jerusalem is their last big refuge. So basically the Anglo Olim are Marsupials and Secret Jerusalem is their Australia (try to keep up with our metaphors, OK?). Thus the Torch of Random Anglo Weirdness has been passed from Secret Tel Aviv to Secret Jerusalem.

Wait, where were we? Oh yeah, Yoni’s Crowdsource Kitchen is quickly building a loyal customer base in Jerusalem’s Central Market. To maintain their hechsher, employees from the Rabbanut will even accompany the chefs and randomly inspect the kitchens of the people who give them their ingredients. The Daily Freier stopped by to talk to some very excited customers.

“This is amazing!” gushed Rasko resident Shayna. “I just ordered a dish called “lemon chicken yakitori“. Shayna opened her phone. “Hey look, someone just went onto Secret Jerusalem and asked for soy sauce and a lemon.*  I can’t wait!“

Yet not all reviews were 100% positive. “The shakshouka was delicious but I had to wait 90 minutes.” complained Katamon resident Zachary. “Why did it take so long just to get eggs and a tomato? Did he get lost in Binyan Clal or something?”

Contrary to published reports, this bistro is NOT currently run by noted Jerusalem epicure Shimshon Leshinsky.

* Real World Non-Satire Alert: This Really happened.