Tag: Anglos

World Ends after Tel Aviv bar asks Native English Speaker to proofread their menu

(Photo Credit: We forgot, but her dog has his own Insta account)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 9/1/2018 at 10:45 PM

Tel Aviv, Dizengoff Street: Some say the world would end in fire, some say in ice, but when it finally happened, the world ended because a Tel Aviv bar owner asked a Native English Speaker to proofread a menu from his establishment. Pub owner Motti S. (well, he’s one of the 12 co-owners actually) asked his friend Jeff, a not-so-recent immigrant from the United States, to help perfect the English on his bar’s menu. The Daily Freier was able to Skype with Motti as we hurdled through time and space. (this happens to us more than you would think, so we were pretty relaxed about the whole thing.)

I guess I just wanted a professional looking product.” explained Motti. “And as I asked him to review the menu, the earth began to crack open and swallow up cars and benches and things. Then it started to rain a lot. And thunder and lightning. Then I think I heard the voice of HaShem saying that it’s all over. And then we had chasers.

Needless to say, the reaction to Motti’s stunt from the Tel Aviv pub community was less than positive. “I don’t understand why he did this.” wondered Danny, a bartender at that place on Dizengoff with the long tables, tall stools, and disinterested waitstaff (No not THAT one. The other one.) “Tourists come here all the day long to sit on beer and I never need a translator…..Hey, would you like a plate of laziness?” The Daily Freier didn’t know what a plate of laziness is, but looked at the menu and we think he meant to write lasagna.

As the Universe continued to implode on itself, somebody went on Secret Tel Aviv to ask if this would affect the bus schedules, “I mean, is this going to be like a Chag, or what?

 

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Nefesh B’Nefesh denies claim that every Olah in 2017 was named Rachel or Sarah

(left to right: Rachel, Sarah-Rachel, Rachel)

By Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 6/22/2018 at 3:50 PM

Jerusalem: Israeli non-profit Nefesh B’Nefesh is speaking out today to denounce published reports that every woman who made Aliyah in 2017 was named Rachel or Sarah. Or Sara. Or Rakhel. Or Rochel. Or Racheli…. Anyhoo, they are not happy about that rumor and are now setting the record straight.

This is just ridiculous.” admonished Sarah B., a Nefesh B’Nefesh spokesperson from the Jerusalem office. “You really shouldn’t believe everything you hear. It’s like you’re totally ignoring the Leahs. And the Devorahs. And the Devorah Leahs.

In order to get all sides of the story, the Daily Freier reached out to members of the local community to get their take on this important story.

That just doesn’t even make any sense.” mused Rachel S. as she walked her dogs on Bograshov Street. “Like how do people come up with this stuff?

Fake News!” wrote Sara L. on her popular Aliyah BlogSara’s Adventures in the Shuk!

OMG where did you hear something so silly?” asked Rachel E. from the Jewish Agency’s Public Affairs Department.

First I’ve heard of this.” stated Rakhel W., the Officer in Charge of the IDF’s Olah hadasha code talker unit.

This is the sort of propaganda that I would expect to hear in the age of Trump and Bibi.” complained local author Sarah Tuttle-Singer. “Also, you forgot to add Jessica.

In other news, Nefesh B’Nefesh today also denied allegations that their next citizenship ceremony will be held at “a nice sushi place with a hecshcher.”

 

 

 

 

 

Top 10 Least Successful Tel Aviv Apps

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Mark Levy

Last Updated 6/20/2018 at 5:10 PM

Tel Aviv: Startup Nation has given the world some amazing things: Waze, the cherry tomato, Gal Gadot, the thumb drive. But for every great Israeli idea, rest assured they have come up with some failures. And here they are: the 10 biggest flops of Israeli tech!

 

  1. Ara-Mazing: Translate your sexts into Aramaic!
  2. E-Z Steal: Choose the most convenient time & place to have your bike stolen!
  3. Gaydar Tel Aviv
  4. Misrad HaTindr: Match with someone who is also waiting in line at the Ministry of the Interior!
  5. John Kerry Meetup!: Connects you with other fans of the former Secretary of State in Israel
  6. AngloWhine: Deletes any texts from your Anglo friends when they’re complaining about something
  7. Pokémon Pee: An app that finds you a sidewalk in Tel Aviv where nobody has peed yet
  8. Tag-Lit: Lets Israeli men track the real-time location of every Birthright bus in the country
  9. Matkot Simulator: It’s as if there’s a matkot game being played one meter away from you!
  10. The Dizengoff Center Navigation App (Oops! This really exists!)

New “American-style” Jerusalem suburb includes a Shul you’ll go to & a Shul you wouldn’t be caught dead in

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Mark Levy

Last Updated 3/10/2018 at 6:30 PM

Ramat Giv’at Ze’ev: The highly anticipated planned  Jerusalem suburb of Giv’at Ze’ev is being specifically built to meet the preening sense of entitlement very high standards of Israel’s Anglo Community, specifically those from North America. The development will have such Anglo-friendly amenities as large master bedrooms, closets (Note to our native Israeli readers: a closet is like a very small room where you can store things!), private parking, dishwashers, big kitchens, and a country club. Yet that’s not all. In order to truly capture the flavor of the typical North American Jewish community, the development will have two Shuls: one Shul that you go to and one Shul that you wouldn’t enter if they were giving out free salmon by the pound. The Daily Freier spoke with lead architect Danny C. to get all the details.

We know how important it is for Canadian and American Jews to have a Shul that they can’t stand, so we proactively opened a synagogue here last month so that we could have it break apart into two rival Shuls just in time for the first homeowners to move in.” Danny continued. “Even though our Housing Development is still under construction, we moved in a Rabbi and his family, along with a Synagogue Board of Directors.  That way, the Board will be able to not renew the Rabbi’s contract next month, and the Rabbi can then form a breakaway Shul just three blocks away and really get a nice bitter communal split going before the first family even moves in!

Danny also explained that the new development makes it possible for homeowners to customize the synagogue they refuse to step foot in. Homeowners will get to choose 3 of the following options, with additional options available at NIS 10,000 apiece:

  • The shul is too big. It’s like you’re in a mall or something.
  • The shul is tiny. It feels like you’re praying in a closet.
  • The building feels dated, like something from the 1970’s.
  • The building looks like a spaceship. It doesn’t even look like a Shul.
  • The Rabbi hardly speaks.
  • The Rabbi won’t stop talking.
  • The Rabbi is a right-wing fascist.
  • The Rabbi is a left-wing idiot.
  • The cantor is quiet as a mouse.
  • The cantor is a giant showboat.
  • The women’s section is a bunch of gossips.
  • The women’s section feels like a morgue.
  • The mincha takes forever.
  • What is this a race? The mincha was over in 5 minutes.
  • My ex in-laws go there.
  • The kiddush doesn’t have enough food.
  • Did you see the portions at the kiddush?
  • Can you believe they called that a kiddush?
  • Don’t get me started on the kiddush.

While prices for the development’s homes vary based on size and location, Danny assured us that your friends will say that you paid way too much.

 

 

 

 

Who says you need Hebrew to land a high-paying job?

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 2/27/2018 at 10:30 PM

Beit Shemesh: Finally, a job that understands me! “ Dovid C., a Ramat Beit Shemesh resident enthused about a cryptic job posting which appeared on Janglo, Secret Jerusalem and Keep Olim in Israel. The post, which received 20,000 hits in the first two minutes after it was posted, promised a high salary, short work hours and stipulated no other qualifications other than the ability to speak English. Curiously enough, applicants were also asked to send a current photo and a list of favorite restaurants.

I have a lot to offer employers, I mean, I speak English….. that’s worth a lot, I deserve to be paid at least as much as someone with a master’s degree… because I speak English!” said Dovid, who has extensive job experience as a dog walker, a waiter for his uncle’s catering company and as a Bar Mitzvah tutor. Also, as he reminded the Daily Freier, he speaks English. Therefore, Dovid, along with thousands of other hopefuls, confidently sent in his application.

The Daily Freier did some investigating (OK, we admit it… we sent in a resume too.) and discovered that the job posting was a ruse concocted by Rivky J., a shadchanit. “So, I have this really cute single cousin in Netanya. But she’s a little shy, so I thought this would be a great way to find some guys to introduce her to.” she explained. “By the way, that’s us in the picture above.

Well the people of Israel did not take this deception very well at all. In fact, the reaction was quite swift, starting with a leading high-tech staffing firm in the Mercaz, who offered Rivky a job as a recruiter, citing her keen abilities in make false promises and lead people on. “I don’t want to be a recruiter!” Rivky protested. “All the guys I interviewed kept talking about what they expected… gluten-free cappuccino and organic cotton office chairs. I’d rather stick to a field where people have realistic expectations… you know, like shidduchim.

Dystopian Novel depicts a nightmare future Israel run by Anglo Olim

Dystopia Anglo OlimBy Mark Levy

Last Updated 11/12/2017 at 6:20 PM

Ra’anananadingdong: Israelis were frightened to their very core this week with the release of a chilling dystopian novel depicting life in a future Israel that is run by Anglo Olim. The novel, entitled “Lo Hevanti” (second choice: “Avshar Mayim?“), tells the story of an Israel in the year 2021 that is completely run by recent immigrants from the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, South Africa, and Australia. The story takes place two years after all the other Israelis got so tired of listening to Anglos tell them how much better we would run things if we were in charge…..that they all just threw up their hands and told us to have at it. And the whole balagan turns into “The Road” by Cormac McCarthy. Except with better lunch options. Anyhoo, the Daily Freier sat in on a Literary Salon in Neve Tzedek as they reviewed “Lo Hevanti” and discussed how scared they were after reading it.

The Salon’s hostess started off the conversation. “So the Anglos rule that any argument on Secret Tel Aviv that lasts longer than 10 threads must then go to the Knesset for resolution…… and then the Knesset passes a law outlawing anyone from buying or selling dogs…..it just seemed so….so…. real.  Also, when they got Nefesh B’ Nefesh to amend the Basic Law so it now said that ‘Everything must be convenient.’….I couldn’t sleep that night.”

Local artist Tzvi then interjected with his scariest moment in the book. “When the entire economy breaks down after Lone Soldiers start going door to door asking for free shit to furnish their apartments….. I actually stopped answering my door for 3 days.

“I really liked ‘Dudi’, the Sabra hero of the book.” explained Ido. “Like when he hacks into “Keep Olim in Israel”…… in order to try to keep Olim from staying in Israel.

Finally, Florentin poet Meirav spoke up. “Hey! No spoilers! I’ve only read up to the point where the Prime Minister orders MK Tuttle-Singer to stop blogging while a motion is up for debate on the Knesset Floor.”