Tag: Jonny Stark

Jerusalem, Start Up Nation August 28, 2023August 29, 2023

Jerusalem Cafe offers dishes made 100% from ingredients they schnorred off Secret Jerusalem

(Based on a True Story!)

By Mark Levy & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 8/28/2023 at 1:50 PM

Jerusalem, Machane Yehuda: The city’s Foodie community is abuzz today with news of the latest Hot Pop-Up in the Machane Yehuda market. “Yoni’s Crowdsource Kitchen” has a diverse menu consisting of Israeli favorites, Italian dishes, Tapas, and even some Asian Fusion. But here’s the catch. they don’t own a refrigerator. Or a freezer. Or a pantry. Customers place their orders, then the kitchen staff go onto popular community Facebook page “Secret Jerusalem” and ask random strangers to give them the required ingredients!

So what’s going on with Secret Jerusalem that it would become Ground Zero for Ingredient Schnorring? You see, Secret Tel Aviv used to be a veritable Wildlife Preserve of Anglo Olim Public Mishigas. But the ~~Indigenous Population were displaced by settlers~~ Native Israelis discovered Secret Tel Aviv so now it’s lost that goofy feeling from circa 2016 when a woman publicly sought out the owners of the men’s boxers that got mixed in with her laundry at the laundromat (really), a woman tried to pimp out her cat (really), a dude tried to sell “someone else’s” porn collection (really), and Secret Tel Aviv founder Jonny Stark signed a sperm bank as an Affiliate (really). Now oversharing Anglo Olim are seeing their natural habitat shrinking, and Secret Jerusalem is their last big refuge. So basically the Anglo Olim are Marsupials and Secret Jerusalem is their Australia (try to keep up with our metaphors, OK?). Thus the Torch of Random Anglo Weirdness has been passed from Secret Tel Aviv to Secret Jerusalem.

Wait, where were we? Oh yeah, Yoni’s Crowdsource Kitchen is quickly building a loyal customer base in Jerusalem’s Central Market. To maintain their hechsher, employees from the Rabbanut will even accompany the chefs and randomly inspect the kitchens of the people who give them their ingredients. The Daily Freier stopped by to talk to some very excited customers.

“This is amazing!” gushed Rasko resident Shayna. “I just ordered a dish called “lemon chicken yakitori“. Shayna opened her phone. “Hey look, someone just went onto Secret Jerusalem and asked for soy sauce and a lemon.* I can’t wait!“

Yet not all reviews were 100% positive. “The shakshouka was delicious but I had to wait 90 minutes.” complained Katamon resident Zachary. “Why did it take so long just to get eggs and a tomato? Did he get lost in Binyan Clal or something?”

Contrary to published reports, this bistro is NOT currently run by noted Jerusalem epicure Shimshon Leshinsky.

* Real World Non-Satire Alert: This Really happened.

Secret Tel Aviv January 30, 2023February 7, 2023

Secret Tel Aviv builds Geniza for its Old Weird-Ass Posts

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 1/30/2023 at 7:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Trumpeldor Cemetery: Guess What? “Secret Tel Aviv” just built a Geniza! That’s right, the venerable Tel Aviv online institution has created a dignified burial/storage spot for all the fantastically bizarre posts that once peppered the site back in the era of 2014-2020 when it was specifically populated by goofy Anglo Olim with LOTS of issues and was way more bizarre and fun than it is today. You see, Secret Tel Aviv was new Olim’s first encounter with Israel. It was at this site that we learned about the woman who tried to pimp out her cat (really), Secret Tel Aviv’s affiliate with a sperm bank (really), also the German ballet instructor and his Israeli husband who used Secret Tel Aviv to try to get their legally blind, prudish, anti-social dog laid (really). So we are talking about a lot of classic content. The Daily Freier caught up with Secret Tel Aviv founder Jonny Stark as he supervised the construction of the Geniza in Tel Aviv’s Trumpeldor Cemetery.

Jonny led us to the Geniza, which is a shack near the northwest corner of Trumpeldor Cemetery (Just go in the front, take your first left, pass Arik Einstein, and take a right when you see Bernard Lewis. Pass Max Nordau and walk another 50 meters.) Johnny was sitting with several members of the Tel Aviv Rabbanut as an intern carefully folded a 2015 post from a guy who was looking for a Rave party that offered babysitting. “There is so much history that will simply disappear if we don’t do something.” explained Mr. Stark as he glanced at several random complaints about the French from the Summer of 2016. As Jonny spoke, the Daily Freier noticed a pile of papers crumpled up in a dusty corner. “What’s that?” we inquired. Mister Stark stared thoughtfully for a moment and replied. “Those are posts from every Oleh in 2015 who asked about the best place for Israeli Breakfast and/or when the buses start running after Shabbat.“

The Daily Freier then asked one of the Rabbis (named Yossi) about the Rabbanut’s role in this important archival endeavor. Rabbi Yossi explained. “Some people think that Tel Aviv is just a hive of hedonistic idiots. Last month I met a guy who wouldn’t eat at Bodega because he didn’t like the Tel Aviv Rabbanut Hechsher (Editor’s Note: This Really Really Happened. Also, Bodega is Awesome.). Did he picture us sitting around waxing our surfboards, cutting the sleeves off our t-shirts, charging our electric bikes, and lying to Taglit girls about our Army service? …. So Yeah, setting up this Geniza just seemed like a good way to put some of the weird stuff behind us and move on.”

As the Daily Freier got up to leave, we told Jonny that it’s not too late to turn back time and return Secret Tel Aviv to its former glory of women looking for the owner of the men’s boxer shorts in their laundry basket at the laundromat, rather than silly pursuits like helping people find careers.

Secret Tel Aviv May 11, 2020August 22, 2022

The Daily Freier is now sitting Shiva for Secret Tel Aviv

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 5/11/2020 at 6:30 PM

Tel Aviv, The Old North: Yesterday the Daily Freier woke up to its very own Al Naqba: the Facebook Page Secret Tel Aviv has closed down. That’s right, Tel Aviv’s #1 resource for Corona Hookups, getting your dog laid, getting your cat laid, directions to…ummm, the Shuk, and selling “someone else’s” adult movie collection is now shut down (apparently Secret Tel Aviv was also a resource for concert information, local events, buying and selling items, and finding jobs, but who knew?) Secret Tel Aviv founder Jonny Stark explained it all yesterday in a post, yet we still struggle for answers, because while the loss was felt across the city, The Daily Freier was clearly hardest hit by this tragedy. You see, Secret Tel Aviv has been like a reliable friend to the Daily Freier. If Writer’s Block occurred, all we had to do was sit down with our laptop, drink our Coffee Hafuch, and let the majestic weirdness of Secret Tel Aviv flow until our creativity returned. Well, either that or wait for Rabbi Shmuley’s daughter to open a sex shop just off Allenby. But whatever. This is basically our nightmare.

To make matters worse, it now appears that we are far less clever and witty without drawing from the endless well of bizarre Jews that they used to call Secret Tel Aviv. Sure, we can still wait for Sarah Tuttle-Singer to write her inevitable post-Corona epiphany involving an off the Derech lesbian cab driver who grows the best mangoes on her Yishuv. Or basically anything from Keep Olim in Israel. Or the Polar Vortex known as Dizengoff Center. Or, you know, why Jerusalem kinda sucks. But make no mistake about it, the feelings of loss that we’re experiencing right now are real. Which makes us wonder, where do we go from here?

Jonny, if you can hear us:

We’re all out of love, We’re so lost without you. We know you were right believing for so long. We’re all out of love, what are we without you. We can’t be too late to say that we were so wrong.

Asking for a friend.

UPDATE: The Daily Freier has created an experimental algorithm to create our own Secret Tel Aviv posts while we wait for our Geula.

Secret Tel Aviv, The IDF April 25, 2018April 25, 2018

IDF Bomb Squad Robot just asked for free stuff on Secret Tel Aviv as a “Lone Soldier”

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 4/25/2018 at 6:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Allenby: A robot from the Israel Defense Force’s Explosive Ordnance Demolition (EOD) unit has just posted on the popular Facebook page “Secret Tel Aviv” asking for a lot of free stuff ”because he’s a Lone Soldier“. Lone Soldiers, or those who come to Israel to serve in the IDF without their family, tend to get a bit of help from the Community. But some guys take the whole thing a bit far. The Daily Freier spoke with the robot, known to his friends as “Udi”, in a cafe on Dizengoff Street as he enjoyed a well-deserved 48 Hour Pass with friends.

“Look, I don’t want to be pushy.” explained Udi. “So I just asked for some pots & pans, a bed-frame, a bicycle, a washing machine, some furniture, a Playstation, and an espresso maker. Oh yeah, and a hat. I definitely need a hat.”

While the idea of a robot posting online might strike some as being bizarre, Secret Tel Aviv appears to have accepted Udi as one of their own. “Udi has adjusted well to our community.” explained Secret Tel Aviv founder Jonny Stark. “In fact, last week some of his female robot friends submitted his photo to our site in an attempt to do a bit of amateur matchmaking ‘because he’s a really nice guy‘. Also just this morning, he joined a post concerning a used futon for sale and within 5 minutes someone had already accused him of hating Israel. Finally, he submitted a question about how to get medical marijuana without a doctor’s prescription, but added ‘asking for a friend‘ to the end of the post. You know, normal Secret Tel Aviv stuff.”

If all goes well, Udi plans to use the donated items to decorate the apartment that he shares with some of his friends from the Army to include Boaz the Giant Cloud, the soldier from your Taglit trip who actually didn’t try to sleep with you, a talking dog from the K-9 Unit, and a member of the Olah Hadashah Code-Talker Unit.

Update: In late breaking news, Udi the robot has just sent a sleazy Direct Message to the apartment-hunting Norwegian woman on Secret Tel Aviv who somehow thought it would be a good idea to add a selfie to her post.

Secret Tel Aviv September 29, 2016February 7, 2019

Daily Freier declares Code Red Satire Alert after Secret Tel Aviv opens a Sperm Bank

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 9/29/2016 at 8:00 PM

Tel Aviv, The Old North: The Daily Freier newsroom is currently in full panic mode, as news broke that Secret Tel Aviv opened a Sperm Bank. Secret Tel Aviv, the popular online community for English Speakers in Tel Aviv that strives to prove that Jews are completely bonkers, has added a Sperm Bank to its business directory, once again making the Daily Freier’s most ridiculous attempts at satire seem downright boring compared to real life.

As frantic interns scurried from point to point in the newsroom grabbing messages from the old-time teletype machine and carrying coffee, the editorial staff gathered for a nervous meeting in the conference room. Yuval Weiss opened the meeting. “This is insane. It’s almost as if Jonny is testing us. Just to see how we react.” Guest Writer Lee Saunders was in a state of shock, almost bereft of his Droll English wit. “This is madness. A Secret Tel Aviv Sperm Bank??? Who knows what sort of wankers will show up.” Like we said, almost bereft.

Meanwhile, Dating and Relationships Columnist Emily Goldstein and Guest Writer Mia Deych were growing progressively angrier as they reviewed the list of guys who “liked” the original post for the Sperm Bank on Secret Tel Aviv. Mia explained. “At least 3 of these guys had at one time told one of us that they “weren’t looking for anything long-term.” So they couldn’t commit but now they’re just going to throw their DNA out there to random women in Tel Aviv? What the Hell? …. Also, me and Emily compared notes and one of the guys used the same line on both of us.”

While the bulk of the Daily Freier staff struggled with the New Normal, reporter Aaron Pomerantz walked down to Secret Tel Aviv to get all the facts.

After chatting with Secret Tel Aviv founder Jonny Stark, the Daily Freier realized that the business model for the Sperm Bank was actually quite sound. “We already have a built-in client base derived from all the guys who Direct Message random women who really really just wanted to sublet their apartments.” explained Mr. Stark. “Also, there’s always the guys on Secret Tel Aviv who are apparently self-appointed experts on Womens’ Skin Care. Plus, remember the guy last year who tried to sell “somebody else’s” porn collection on Secret Tel Aviv? Well he’s now the librarian.”

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Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.