So on Monday afternoon a giant sinkhole opened up in the parking lot of a Jerusalem Hospital, swallowing cars and generally behaving badly. Some people blamed it on the Shidduch Crisis. Others blamed it on the Jooz(really). But the Daily Freier went a step further, and will stop all other activity for the immediate future as we doggedly pursue multiple stories about this Enigma of a Sinkhole. So without further ado, here is a list of our upcoming Sinkhole Stories.
1. “I’m a Start-Up.” Jerusalem Sinkhole rebrands himself
2. Shas blames Sinkhole on Naftali Bennett
3. Outrage after Sinkhole goes on Secret Jerusalem and asks where he can get a bacon cheeseburger
4. “Have you wrapped Tefillin today?” Chabadnik stops by the Sinkhole
5. Bibi says he can’t leave office “until we fix the Sinkhole crisis”
6. Rashida Tlaib claims that her grandmother used to live in the Sinkhole before the Naqba
7. Leaked audio reveals Sara Netanyahu screaming at the Sinkhole about her Masters Degree
8. Sinkhole’s wife wants to move to Ramat Bet Shemesh because their current kitchen is too small
9. “Was he secretly Messianic?” The Sinkhole’s Jerusalem Minyan has its suspicions
10. Bar Rafaeli says she really wanted to pay her taxes but the sinkhole stopped her
11. CNN begins referring to the “Occupied Arab sinkhole”
12. “What about Tzfat?” Nefesh b’Nefesh invites the Sinkhole to explore their “Go North” program
13. Sarah Tuttle-Singer shares a taxi with the Sinkhole and they discuss Tamar from the Bible for 3 hours
14. The Sinkhole starts lying about his Army service to impress Taglit girls
15. Jerusalem Sinkhole canceled after his old tweets surface
16. Litzman blocks efforts to extradite Sinkhole to Australia on sex charges
17. Ariel Gold informs the Sinkhole that he’s actually from Spain
18. Sinkhole claims he’s enrolled at Or Sameach but I see him in Crack Square every night smoking weed
19. Jerusalem Sinkhole claims that Maktesh Ramon is his cousin
20. Liami is trying to Keep the Sinkhole in Israel
By Chava Ewa
Last Updated 5/20/2021 at 3:40 PM
Jerusalem: Are you unemployed with time on your hands? We are seeking folks with excellent Attention to Detail (mild OCD is a plus!) and a good internet connection for an exciting new business in Jerusalem!
Our Start-Up Nation ingenuity has found a way to solve the most pressing problem facing Olim in Israel (no, not the shortage of Skippy peanut butter or Kirkland toilet paper at Osher Ad)…. the lack of available appointments at the US Embassy.
You see, some people saw Corona as a challenge to overcome, whereas the U.S Embassy saw it as an opportunity to DO NOTHING. For a year. Seriously, they’re handing out appointments like Willie Wonka handed out Golden Tickets to his factory (But without the winsome charm of the late Gene Wilder, ז’ל.)
For a modest fee, one of our customer service specialists (OK, they’re all Kollel wives) will sit on the computer all day periodically refreshing the embassy website until an appointment opens up for you.
Listen to what this satisfied customer had to say: “So….umm….. does that mean your next venture is to pay people to sit at Osher Ad waiting for the delivery of Kirkland toilet paper? I would totally pay for that. Amazon has been so slow these days with my toilet paper orders.“
We are looking to fill positions immediately. No need for a TZ number…let’s not get those snoops at Maas Hachnasah involved. (“Strictly a fanciful jest!” -The Daily Freier Legal Department). Forward all inquiries to our HR Department at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Last Updated 2/27/2018 at 10:30 PM
Beit Shemesh: “Finally, a job that understands me! “ Dovid C., a Ramat Beit Shemesh resident enthused about a cryptic job posting which appeared on Janglo, Secret Jerusalem and Keep Olim in Israel. The post, which received 20,000 hits in the first two minutes after it was posted, promised a high salary, short work hours and stipulated no other qualifications other than the ability to speak English. Curiously enough, applicants were also asked to send a current photo and a list of favorite restaurants.
“I have a lot to offer employers, I mean, I speak English….. that’s worth a lot, I deserve to be paid at least as much as someone with a master’s degree… because I speak English!” said Dovid, who has extensive job experience as a dog walker, a waiter for his uncle’s catering company and as a Bar Mitzvah tutor. Also, as he reminded the Daily Freier, he speaks English. Therefore, Dovid, along with thousands of other hopefuls, confidently sent in his application.
The Daily Freier did some investigating (OK, we admit it… we sent in a resume too.) and discovered that the job posting was a ruse concocted by Rivky J., a shadchanit. “So, I have this really cute single cousin in Netanya. But she’s a little shy, so I thought this would be a great way to find some guys to introduce her to.” she explained. “By the way, that’s us in the picture above.”
Well the people of Israel did not take this deception very well at all. In fact, the reaction was quite swift, starting with a leading high-tech staffing firm in the Mercaz, who offered Rivky a job as a recruiter, citing her keen abilities in make false promises and lead people on. “I don’t want to be a recruiter!” Rivky protested. “All the guys I interviewed kept talking about what they expected… gluten-free cappuccino and organic cotton office chairs. I’d rather stick to a field where people have realistic expectations… you know, like shidduchim.“
(Photo Credit: Secret Tel Aviv)
(EDITOR’S NOTE: Based on a True Story!)
(We made it all up. Except for the part where somebody on Secret Tel Aviv posted a pic of some dude’s boxers that she found in her laundry. That’s real. –The Freier Legal Dept.)
By Emily Goldstein and Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 2/13/2016 at 11:30 AM
Tel Aviv, HaBima: Israel’s modern day Cinderella story has turned from happiness to cautionary urban tale. It all started with a post on popular website Secret Tel Aviv, in which Canadian Olah Lisa K. wrote about the pair of men’s boxers she found mixed in with her clothes upon return from a local laundry service. This post in turn led to a series of replies from concerned locals that almost crashed Secret Tel Aviv’s server. But in the end, it also led to a long-term relationship with local guy Shlomi D, followed by court-ordered restraining orders against one another. The Daily Freier sat down with Shlomi for his take on this unfolding tragedy.
“It started out so cool. I was just surfing Secret Tel Aviv, checking for apartments in the city, and you know, seeing if anybody might be selling their porn collection this week. And then, Bam! I saw her post and immediately responded. And she wrote back! I felt pretty good. I mean, I beat out 37 other Israeli guys who PM’d her within 7 minutes of the post going online. And unlike those idiots, at least I once used the same laundry service….. So we dated for a while. And then, you know how these things go, we each filed restraining orders with the police that forbid us from coming within 200 meters of one another…. I’m still almost positive that she poisoned my houseplants.”
Later that day the Daily Freier spoke with Lisa in a location that complied with all recent court orders. “So yeah, he was my Prince Charming. If Prince Charming was a 29-year-old two-timing sex addict who lived with his parents in Kfar Sabah.” Lisa continued. “The first night we hooked up we were at his parents’ house. But he had to work the next morning. So his Aunt and Uncle were driving into the city and drove me home. Some people have a walk of shame. I had a Car Pool of shame.”
Lisa then explained how happy her friends were for her at first. “After we started dating, one of my girlfriends thought that, hey, if it worked for me, it could work for her. So she also posted on Secret Tel Aviv with pictures of guy’s undergarments in her laundry. So some guy from London started corresponding back and forth with her. He seemed really nice. And, yada yada yada, the police in Finchley gave him an ASBO.”
Lisa explained the moment she realized that things were going wrong. “He kept leaving the room to check his phone. And them I found out he was also trolling Secret Jerusalem responding to a woman’s post that the Tallit Katan she found in her dry cleaning were actually his. What the hell? But I’m not finished….. So we went to his cousins’ kibbutz up north for a week. And he keeps “running into his ex”. Everyone knows each other there. Like, it’s not that big. And he thought he could hook up with two girls at the same time on a tiny kibbutz and keep it discreet? He can’t even keep track of the location of his underwear!”
In order to ensure that all sides had their say, the Daily Freier allowed Shlomi to respond to these allegations. “Sure the whole thing was definitely a Cinderella moment. If Cinderella had control issues and hated your friends…..And now she’s demanding full custody of our pet ferret Chris.”
Fallout from the post continues to be felt across the State of Israel. Upon reading the original post, experts from the Technion concluded that this in fact brought Secret Tel Aviv one step closer to becoming a self-aware entity capable of generating its own absurd posts independent of human input. Additionally, the Daily Freier was embarrassed to admit that by failing to anticipate this scenario, it is now forced to update its Random Secret Tel Aviv Post Generator.
According to well-placed sources within Lisa’s circle of friends, the restraining orders have not prevented at least two incidents of “sex with the ex” since January.