Once again, the Dear Daily Freier advice column answers questions that you forgot to ask because the winter rains just started and the temperature has plunged to an unearthly 60 Degrees Fahrenheit (Metric Conversion: 4 hectares) forcing you to dress like an extra in an Al Gore Climate movie. So without further ado, here are your amazing inquiries!
Dear Daily Freier:Hi! I love seeing the men at the pétanque courts on Rothschild Boulevard and really want to learn how to play too! The only thing is, I’m under 60 years old, I’m not French, and I’m a woman. Do you think I can participate?
Dear Daily Freier: Hi! I live in a small country in the Eastern Mediterranean region and I am quite smart and accomplished (I was even once a secret agent! Shhh! Don’t tell anyone!) The problem is, the people (read: “Men”) who run this country don’t respect how smart I am and don’t realize how much better things would be if I were in charge. I have even tried out different political parties but they are all too full of themselves to realize how amazing I would be as their leader. Any advice?
Tel Aviv: A wave of fear mixed with confusion has swept the nation upon news that a reader of the Facebook Page “Secret Tel Aviv” has mated in the wild with a reader of the Facebook Group “Keep Olim in Israel“. Apparently an unidentified male reader of the popular Tel Aviv message board/insect identification service/underwear Lost & Found/place to advertise the availability of your friends for dating/place to sell “someone else’s” adult movie collection met an unidentified female reader of the Immigrant Mutual-Assistance/Advocacy Group that maintains nothing but totally relaxed and easygoing conversations on its Facebook page. At a Secret Tel Aviv Job Fair. Or the Dancing Camel. Not totally sure on the details.
Friends of the unidentified male, known as “Yonatan Doe” noted that “he ran pretty good game” upon meeting the unidentified female (known as “Chava Doe“) and ended up “meeting for drinks” later that evening. Upon Chava Doe meeting her girlfriends for brunch the next day, word of the encounter spread quickly, first through the city and then throughout the country as a whole. This afternoon Prime Minister Netanyahu convened his Cabinet, while the Home Command held Emergency Response Exercises. The Daily Freier spoke to experts Gideon B. and Alex G. from the Technion for their opinions on this development.
“What we are looking at is a potential Humanitarian Disaster.” explained Technion researcher Gideon B. “As the drama of the Keep Olim reader merges with the Obtuse Chutzpadik of the Secret Tel Aviv reader, any possible offspring from the encounter would be infused with a combination of traits that could alter history as we know it……. What I’m saying is that in 30 years we could be ruled by a caste of Easily Offended, Self-Absorbed Overlords.”
“I told Johnny not to hold the Job Fair.” explained Alex G. “The risks were too great. There was too much of a chance that something could go wrong. The authorities really need to do something to stop this. But I’m afraid it may already be too late.”
BREAKING: In an effort to end the crisis, a multi-Party Coalition to include President Rivlin, Tzipi Livni, Amir Peretz, and Zehava Gal-On have sent Chava Doe a What’s-App message informing her that she can totally do better.
Martha L. Minow, Dean, Harvard Law School
1525 Massachusetts Avenue
Cambridge, MA 02138
Phone: 617-495-4601 @Harvard_Law
Greetings and Salutations from the Daily Freier, reporting in concert with Brian of London, live from the Zionist Entity Known as Israel!
We wish to express our concerns about a recent event at your institution, specifically, “The Israeli-Palestinian Conflict and the US Negotiation Lessons and Possibilities” held on Thursday, April 14, 7 pm, Austin Hall, Room 100 and featuring Israeli politician Tzipi Livni and former U.S. Envoy Dennis Ross. Specifically, we are concerned that people are going to find out that at this event, a Harvard Law student named Husam El-Qoulaq asked Ms. Livni “why she was so smelly.”
Dean Minow, our greatest fear is that Husam El-Qoulaq’s name somehow becomes attached to the antisemitic incident in question, where he told Israeli politician Tzipi Livni that she smelled bad in a public event. I mean, if his (Husam El-Qoulaq, Harvard Law. Sometimes spelled ‘Coolaq’) name was to be associated with this incident (antisemitic!), it may impact his Constitutional Right to make obscene amounts of money post-graduation in Corporate America. More importantly, associating Husam El-Qoulaq’s (Harvard Law) name with an Antisemitic (against Tzipi Livni) incident would send the dangerous message to your students that actions have consequences, and that words have meaning. And none of us want that.
In addition, we fear that Harvard Law may be unfairly tarred for hiding the name of the offending party (Husam El-Qoulaq, Harvard Law. Sometimes spelled Coolaq). Therefore, we implore you to continue to not release Husam El-Qoulaq’s name in association with the incident at Harvard Law on 14 April 2016 in which he used an antisemitic slur against Tzipi Livni. We applaud the fact that your organization has removed Mr. Husam El-Qoulaq’s anti-Jewish remarks from YouTube. Additionally, we applaud that you did not release the name of the offending party, you know, Husam El-Qoulaq…. Of Harvard Law. The one who publicly disrespected a visitor (Tzipi Livni!) in an Academic Setting.
We also want to provide honorable mention to Mr. Husam El-Qoulaq himself, who appears busy as a beaver (can we say that? Is that cultural appropriation against beavers?) scrubbing his online profiles of anything that could connect him (Husam El-Qoulaq, also spelled “Coolaq”) to an Antisemitic incident. Which is why we commend him for currently hiding online evidence of his (Husam El-Qoulaq!) BDS work when he was an undergrad at UC Berkeley. We also commend Mr. Husam El-Qoulaq for scrubbing the Internets and the Googles of any evidence of his Leadership position in Harvard’s BDS Movement…BTW, color us shocked (Shocked!) that Mr. El-Qoulaq was also a leader in Harvard’s BDS Movement. I mean, it’s just counter-intuitive that there would be, like, ANY overlap between the BDS Movement and Antisemitic speech! Who Knew????
We also wish to commend Mr. Husam El Qoulaq for his apology, where he did not provide his name, but informed the public that they should reach out to him (Reach out to whom you ask? Husam El-Qoulaq! For what? An Antisemitic incident at Harvard Law on April 14, 2016! Against Tzipi Livni!). Bonus points that he mentioned that he has Jewish friends! LOL! (Just to break character for a moment: We’ve seen more sincere mea culpas from O.J. Simpson.)
So in the spirit of moving on, we propose that maybe instead of naming Husam El-Qoulaq as the guy who made an Anti-Jewish comment to Tipi Livni on April 14 2016, that we instead replace his name (Husam El-Qoulaq!) with a symbol. Maybe we can brainstorm this. Perhaps something like this:
…. Except instead of a symbol imagining a magical human being and artist who made the world happy for 40 years, this symbol would signify a privileged (!) crybully who sounds like he’s about to spill the beans on matzoh’s special ingredient.
Now we all know how the Internets work, so we implore you and anybody reading this: DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES FORWARD THIS LETTER! Not via email, not Facebook, Not Twitter, nor by Google Plus (OK OK, Google Plus doesn’t really matter). The worst-case scenario would be if it somehow went viral. That Husam El-Qoulaq. Harvard Law. Made an antisemitic Statement. Against Tzipi Livni. That she smelled bad. On 14 April 2016. At Harvard Law.