2023 Israel-Hamas War, Hamas

Top Ten Reasons Hamas Wants to Leave Qatar
(photo credit:Wikimedia Commons)

Lately Ismail Haniyeh and Khaled Mashal have been threatening to leave their comfy lair in Qatar, which is a respected actor on the world stage that is definitely NOT a giant gas station/television studio providing aid and comfort to a bunch of psychotic murderers from the 7th century. So yeah… apparently the big machers at Hamas have ants in their pants and their boots are made for walking and…. we’ve lost our train of thought. Anyhoo, Behold! The Top Ten reasons Hamas wants to leave Qatar!

1. John Cusack keeps sexting us.

2. The Kiddush Club here is just one big clique.

3. We want to move to a less Western city like maybe Dearborn.

4. Jeremy found us an amazing sublet in Islington near the Tube.

5. Doha’s Gharqad trees made some very catty comments about my wife’s clothes.

6. Last week we almost got trapped in a taxicab with Thomas Friedman.

7. Tired of making small talk with Martin Indyk at the Al Jazeera company picnic.

8. Just landed a job next Semester teaching Ethics at Columbia.

9. Yesterday I sneezed in the Hotel elevator and the Bellhop said “Lebriut”.

10. My friends in Dublin just elected me to City Council.

2023 Israel-Hamas War, Start Up Nation

Heroes: Iran Drones Delayed by Experts from Israeli Postal Service

(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Mark Levy & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 04/14/2024 at 4:45 PM

Jerusalem: Israel breathed a sigh of relief this morning after Iran’s missile attack failed to cause serious casualties. Many of us thanked the Armed Forces of the USA, UK, and Jordan for shooting down much of the Armada. We also wondered why it took the Drones and Cruise Missiles like 8 hours to fly here, giving our defenses plenty of warning. Yet few of us know of the Unsung Heroes in Israel who deserve our praise today for the Super Slow Drones. Was it the Mossad? Nope, this time the Israeli Postal Service saved the day by hacking into Iran’s Guidance Systems and causing the Drones to take a much more “relaxed” attitude toward their job! The Daily Freier waited in line at the Post Office near Machane Yehuda for 45 minutes this morning until we could talk to one of Israel’s Modern Maccabees about their Mission.

“It was really quite easy.” explained a Postal employee named Yossi as he snacked on sunflower seeds and lazily glanced at his crossword puzzle. “Me and Yonatan hacked into the Guidance System and added the same Code that we use for ‘Priority Mail’. So yeah, the Missiles took a 3-hour Meal Break and shut off their transponders so Management wouldn’t know where they were.”

The Daily Freier tried to call Yossi a Hero of Zion, but he was reticent. “We just did our jobs. You know, by telling the Onboard Guidance Systems that the woman who had the proper target coordinates had just left early for a 2 Week Holiday Break after which she planned to transition directly to Maternity Leave.” Yossi looked up from his game of Sudoku and winked at us. “Based on a True Story!“

The Daily Freier wanted to continue the Interview, but Yossi told us to come back on Tuesday or Thursday between the hours of 0900 and 1100.

2023 Israel-Hamas War, The United Nations

Top 10 Signs there’s a Hamas Bunker underneath your UNRWA Office

This week we learned that UNRWA’s protests that they don’t even know anyone in Hamas might be a bit rich. Not just because a dozen of their employees attacked Israel on October 7th, but now we learn that Hamas was running a data center underneath UNRWA’s headquarters! Now their leadership is claiming they had, like “No Idea” what was underneath their HQ. Here at Daily Freier we sympathize with the United Nations and want to help. Perhaps we can assist the UN in finding “red flags” that indicate that maybe things are not as they seem. So without further ado, Behold! The Top Ten Signs there’s a Hamas Bunker underneath your office!

  1. John Cusack always loitering in the break room.
  2. Your Bluetooth asks if you want to match with “Yaya Sinwar’s iPhone”.
  3. Goat wearing a miniskirt & fishnet stockings comes and goes at all hours of the night.
  4. Rashida Tlaib calls and asks what time everyone goes home at night because she’s “just curious”.
  5. You show up early to work one morning and catch Roger Waters taking a dump.
  6. Your Handyman wanders around emptying his pockets of dirt just like in Shawshank Redemption.
  7. There’s a Wolt driver at the front door but nobody in the office ordered food.
  8.  Someone always bangs on the floor with a broomstick whenever you make noise after 10 PM.
  9. Your summer intern tells you that the noise in the basement is just Chabad doing home improvement.*
  10. There’s a sign on the basement door that says “To the Top Secret Hamas Data Center”.

 

 

*Too Soon?

2023 Israel-Hamas War, The United Nations

UNRWA Teacher’s Top 10 Excuses for Joining Hamas

This week the world was rocked by the UNBELIEVABLE News that The United Nations Schools in Gaza have been infiltrated by Hamas. This story came as a shock to the millions of Dorks who weren’t reading the Daily Freier in 2015. Nonetheless, UNRWA’s big donors including the USA are pulling their funding. But this is all a big mistake. In fact, The Daily Freier spent the day compiling some of the very legitimate explanations for the current misunderstanding. So behold: UNRWA Teacher’s Top 10 Excuses for Joining Hamas!


1. It was either join Hamas or teach Health Class to Sophomores.


2. Actually it’s mandatory under the “No Jihadi Left Behind” Act of 2012.


3. I wanted to impress John Cusack.


4. Still not the Wokest thing an Elementary Education Major did this year.


5. I just wanted to meet the Hamas Bumblebee.


6. Our Union said we could attend the Hamas meetings via Zoom.


7. Roger Waters sent me a really nice invitation.


8. The kids asked if we could have class outside.


9. We will do ANYTHING to get out of Parent-Teacher Conference Night.


10. We kinda just hate Jews.

2023 Israel-Hamas War, Israellycool

IDF Discovers Mohammed El-Kurd’s Closet in Gaza Tunnel

Gaza City – Israeli forces announced a critical discovery this morning with far-reaching ramifications. Soldiers in the IDF’s Combat Engineer Battalion operating in tunnels 30 meters below Gaza City have uncovered a closet belonging to Palestinian Media Personality Mohammed El-Kurd. The Daily Freier spoke with Captain “Yossi”, an embedded IDF Public Affairs Officer as he briefed the Media via Zoom.

“We must be very cautious.” whispered Captain Yossi as troops gingerly approached the structure. “We believe that Mr. El-Kurd is hiding in the closet at this very moment.”

(Check out the full story over at Israellycool today!)

 

 

2023 Israel-Hamas War

Ismail Haniyeh calls for More Martyrs & More Room Service

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 1 December 2023 at 3:50 PM

Doha, Qatar: With today’s resumption of fighting, Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh issued a defiant statement from his hotel suite’s breakfast nook. “Today I am calling for more martyrs! With Blood and Fire we will Liberate Al Aqsa!” Mr. Haniyeh emphatically shouted while picking at his poached eggs and salmon. “I am also calling on the Four Seasons Hotel to send more tea and pastries to room 342! From the River to the Sea, I hate cold tea!“

The Daily Freier asked Mr. Haniyeh how the Struggle for Palestine had been affecting him personally. “Every day we are faced with challenges put forth by the Zionist Entity!” Haniyeh complained as a member of his entourage poured him more fresh squeezed orange juice from a large carafe on the drinks cart. “I tried to get a hamburger at 10:30 PM last night but Room Service had the impudence to inform me that the line cook had just gone home and that they only had pizza.”

We then helpfully added that perhaps Ismail’s hotel did not have hamburgers because Ahed Tamimi ate all of them. Mr. Haniyeh thoughtfully scratched his head for a moment. “You raise an excellent point. The Sister Ahed had a very strong appetite in the Zionist jail. She volunteered to fight from our tunnels in Gaza, but our food supplies could not support her Resistance and we had to say no.”

As the Daily Freier ended our conversation with Mr. Haniyeh, he asked us to find the maid and request more towels and some of those tasty pillow mints.

Israellycool

Nettlix presents: “Me, Myself & Maree” starring Kamran Hussein, Kamran Hussein, and Kamran Hussein!

The sexual tension is palpable as Jew-hater Kamran Hussain flirts with Kamran Hussein… wait…. we mean Maree Campbell. Who is DEFINITELY  a real woman, and not just a “Girlfriend in Canada” situation.  Unless Kamran is currently flirting with… himself?

Follow the hijinks as Kamran transforms himself from a sketchy weirdo from Luton who is obsessed with Israel into…. a sketchy weirdo from Luton who is obsessed with Israel AND who has a special lady friend! So the pictures of her look a bit AI and/or photoshopped, but that’s just to keep the Zios off balance and confused!

(Read the rest of this on Israellycool today!)

2023 Israel-Hamas War

Top Ten Worst Things to hear in the Missile Shelter
  1. The Nachman Dancers need help carrying their sound system down the stairs.
  2. Who else wants to talk about Veganism?
  3. You’re just in time for our Settlers of Catan tournament!
  4. Umm, why does your safe room have furry handcuffs on the wall?
  5. We turned our Miklat into a CrossFit Gym!
  6. Guess who has a Multi-Level Marketing opportunity for you!
  7. Hurry up, Kerem House is performing a Musical downstairs!
  8.  There’s nothing to read down here except Haaretz!
  9.  Shhh! India is starting her Tik-Tok video!
  10. I think this is the Sublet that I saw on Secret Tel Aviv this morning.

 

 

 

 

 

 

2023 Israel-Hamas War, The Israel Barbie Collection

Israeli Barbie: Wartime Edition!

Recently many of you have confronted the writers of the Daily Freier as we went about our business in Tel Aviv with an urgent question: how are the members of our Israel Barbie Collection dealing with the war? As we have a certain civic sense of duty to our fellow citizens, we assigned our Lifestyle Reporter Roxy Cruz to answer your pressing questions. So behold: The Israeli Barbie Collection: Wartime Edition!

Ken Ofir HaHatir got exposed for lying about his age because he is not in Miluim (reserve duty) as he is 45 years old, not 36 as he claims. Therefore he is now telling women that he’s not in Miluim because he was injured in the last war. But he is available for them in case they get scared and need emotional support in these difficult times. At short notice, he can come visit with a bottle of Yarden wine and a shoulder to cry on.

Barbie Debra Taglit still thinks it’s a mistake that the Mossad never recruited her for the skills she acquired working at a Miami mall. Debra understood that the noise of the bombs were bad for her cat, Mimi, so she took a flight out of Israel (but left the cat with her neighbor). She’s currently encouraging our soldiers to be brave against Hamas/working non-stop on her Instagram from her parents’ house in Boca Raton.

Barbie Jennifer Israeli Spouse and Ken Yuval Melech HaShuk are currently running 5 minutes from their home in Yafo to the nearest miklat. Yuval is keeping busy making mandalas from seashells and composing songs to clean the vibes with Gaza.

Barbie Sigalit is starting a new business selling incense and aromatherapy. She would like to provide her healing services to people affected by the war, but she needs to get licensed as a therapist. She thinks that this is “Totally BS”, so she is now just burning incense and singing mantras in Sanskrit that she found on YouTube.


Barbie Meirav  would rather die from a rocket hitting her Sheinkin Street apartment than go to the bunker where she might meet her ex-husband, Ken Dudi, his 24 year old Ukrainian model fiancee, Barbie Alina, and all the leftist neighbors she called traitors a few weeks ago before their husbands got recalled to the Reserves for the war.


Barbie Danit is currently under high doses of Xanax. Her kids are at home and the siren barely rings in Ramat Aviv, but she is (secretly) worried about Ken Ofir HaHatir. Ken Uri the Startup guy is secretly expecting a baby from his side chick and will soon divorce her and move to Portugal.

 

2023 Israel-Hamas War, Tel Aviv Living

Since we’re trapped in this bomb shelter, let’s talk about my Vegan Lifestyle for a half hour!
(photo credit: the Roxy Cruz Foundation)

Wow, that last missile was CLOSE! It’s a good thing this public shelter was nearby. The facility manager just shut that giant steel door and he thinks the barrage of missiles is not going to stop for a long time. So I guess we’re stuck in here!

Which is great because I’ve been meaning to talk to you about the incredible changes in my life since I embraced the vegan lifestyle. Did you know that Tel Aviv is the world capital of vegan cuisine? I was in the Shuk yesterday and had this a-ma-zing “pulled pork” sandwich but get this…it was made of jackfruit! Wait, you don’t know what jackfruit it? So you can get it in the Asian markets here and it is really great because it takes on the texture and consistency of meat but at the same time it….

…But first I need to tell you about how much farmland we can save by ending our dependence on the beef industry and converting the grazing land into sustainable agriculture using traditional crop rotation and organic fertilizer derived from urban composting especially….

….Wait, there’s a video I’ve been meaning to show you. Have you ever actually SEEN how hot dogs are made? Because I have this YouTube clip and it is so DISGUSTING that you will NEVER eat them again. OK let’s open up my phone and… what? You don’t think I can get reception inside the walls of the shelter?  That’s why I carry around a small Wi-Fi repeater in my purse!  It lets me use the Internet ANYWHERE!  OK, so let’s cue up the video to the part where they take the intestines and turn them into….

Hey, where are you going? Stop trying to climb out of the shelter window, it’s not safe yet!