Category: Barack Obama

The Book of Esther, as told by Barack Obama

Sometimes I feel that after 7 years of my reign as King of Shushan, I am still cleaning up a big mess. A mess that’s not my fault. I inherited the worst economy in the history of Persia. Wars with the Babylonians and the Chaldeans.  And the climate was changing from burning too much cow dung. So it would be a mistake to hold me responsible for the current situation. Context, people.

And now folks are complaining about Haman.  Saying he wants to kill the Jews. But Haman was in fact appointed by the previous Administration’s King. Not naming any names, but he goes by “W the Younger”. So a lot of folks are getting upset about Haman. And to be truthful, for outsiders like Mordecai to pop off with their opinions. Without the facts….. well it just isn’t helpful. And it makes my job as King more difficult.

Now back to Haman….

If Haman is not careful; and if he continues to act in this manner; then he should not be surprised if we choose to take drastic measures. Such as making thousands of Cuneiform “Hashtags” on clay tablets that say “#NoToHaman”….. So he needs to watch himself.  And I tell Haman not to call my bluff.

But back to the problem at hand….

So Queen Esther and Mordecai, they’re quite religious. And sometimes, when folks have been left behind by the Iron Age, they cling bitterly to their slingshots and their religion. And to be truthful, Mordecai simply does not have the unique background and education to truly appreciate the situation. Like I do.

Now some folks want me to step in and stop what they call a potential “genocide” in Shushan. Because they say Haman wants to kill the Jews. But it is not that simple. I’ve spoken to Mordecai.   And quite frankly, he is often wrong. Now Mordecai seems to think that Haman does not have…..legitimate grievances. And to be frank,  Haman can be a real hothead. Truthfully, both of them disappoint me. There’s plenty of blame to go around. Everyone’s a little wrong. Except me of course.  But it’s my job. As the leader. To rise above. These petty grievances. And try to find. A consensus.

Now Let me be perfectly clear.  The statements made by Haman, they constitute a red line.  And if it was up to me, you can rest assured that there would be severe repercussions for his actions.  But unfortunately, here in Shushan, as your King I am not in a position to simply do these things.  First we must consult with the council of provincial chieftains.  And quite frankly, the council has been quite obstructionist.  Now some may say that they’re acting this way out of personal dislike for me.  And some of the folks in the Casbah who perform right-wing poetry and folklore, well they’re not too helpful. Like Rushambian Limbaughvus.  Guys like him.

Anyways, where was I? Oh Yes, Haman.  Haman needs to know that he’s on the wrong side of history.  Aaaand he needs to get with the program.  I mean, we’re here in Shushan and it’s already like the 3rd Century Before The Common Era. Get with the program.

Now Haman’s supposed plan. To kill the Jews. Looks serious. So I have dispatched. My grand vizier. Johnius Kerryezer. To look into it. And he’s working. With our regional allies. And within the framework of the world. As we currently know it.

So Mordecai says that Haman is constructing gallows. So these gallows, they don’t yet exist. Now Mordecai thinks they’ll be ready next month. But he doesn’t see the intelligence that I see. I have the best wizards and magicians in Persia. So for him to pop off like that, frankly, it’s chickenshit unprofessional. Anyhow, I’ve talked to Haman, and he says that the gallows are for scientific research. And if we want to truly build relationships and end the old quarrels, quite frankly we need to take Haman at his word.  And find a consensus.  So I have some great news.

Minister Johnius Kerryezer has struck a deal with Haman.  Haman will refrain from building the gallows for around 10 years. Or at least to the end of my reign one moon after the next Winter Solstice.  Which is a really long time. But hopefully a few years. I will have completed my third papyrus scroll by then. And I will be in my second career of performing oratory lectures throughout the land. But back to the deal….

In exchange for Haman’s promise, the treasury will release to him 50 thousand ingots of gold.  Prince Josephus Bidenopolos is on his way as we speak to deliver the news to Mordecai. So people of Shushan, I’ve solved your problems again. You’re welcome.

Technion builds Turbine to harness Sexual Tension between Bibi & Obama

Bibi Obama sexual tensionBy Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 11/9/2015 at 3:30 PM

Haifa: Ahead of their high-profile meeting in Washington this week, a team of scientists at Haifa’s prestigious Technion Institute have managed to harness the animosity sexual tension between Binyamin Netanyahu and  Barack Obama to power a small turbine on the Israeli Coast just south of Haifa.  The Daily Freier attended a press conference where the lead scientists explained this fascinating breakthrough.

_Obama_Netanyahu_e_2515610kIt is actually a rather simple concept” explained Doctoral Student Gideon B. “The intense feelings these men have for one another actually charge the ions in the air around them with opposite yet attracting polarities.  If properly captured, these ions can then generate a very powerful electric current. This current in turn spins turbines allowing us to generate several Megawatts of power, the exact level depending on whether or not Jeffrey Goldberg has published a column that day

Netanyahu-obama-israel-010At this point, co-moderator Alex G. played a short video demonstrating the concept. “So in the turbine itself, we play a constant newsfeed of the two men interacting in public……OK, so here we have the two leaders awkwardly hugging on a tarmac……..And now we have them publicly contradicting one another at a joint press conference, like a bickering couple……And now we have a picture of them staring into one another’s eyes.  It looks like they can’t stand each other, but it’s really a thin line between love and hate.  You can literally feel the excitement in the air.  I don’t know about you, but the hair on my arms are sticking out right now.”

While the commercial and economic feasibility of the generator have yet to be fully determined, Gideon noted that if he could only find a picture of the two leaders in matching denim jackets and cowboy hats, he could power the City of Haifa for months.