Oslo: The International Community is positively giddy with the news that Former President Barack Obama is to receive his SECOND Nobel Peace Prize! Nobel Committee spokesperson Lars Olaf addressed the assembled news media earlier today.
“The Nobel Committee is proud to award this year’s prize to Barack Obama for his steadfast work uniting former enemies in the belief that his policies posed a clear and present danger to their respective nations. Mr. Obama’s Iran Policy has managed to bring Israel into a de-facto alliance with Saudi Arabia, Egypt, and the United Arab Emirates. Ten years ago, this would be unthinkable!”
The electrified crowd burst into applause when Mr. Obama strode into the room to accept his prize. “Please excuse my lateness, I was leading from behind…Then again, we are the one we’ve been waiting for.”
SCENE: Headquarters, Justice League of Unemployed Lefty “Experts”
Former President Barack Obama: People, let me perfectly clear. These protests. In Iran. Are contributing. To instability. In the Middle East. And more importantly. They are. Endangering. My Legacy. Which is. The Iran Nuclear Deal.
Former Secretary of State John Forbes Kerry: I actually was for these protests, before I was against them.
Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton: (Stumbles in dressed in hiking gear and clutching a bottle of Chardonnay): Let’s tell everyone to be quiet and not voice support for the protesters. I mean, it worked last time.
Qom: Iran’s economy is reeling after news that the Trump Administration will not renew the amazingly-successful-not-at-all-a-suckers-bet Iran Nuclear Deal. The Iran deal, seen as the centerpiece of Barack Obama’s legacy, has now been turned over to Congress for approval or disapproval, thus imperiling Iran’s weekly access to John Kerry’s lunch money. The Daily Freier spoke with Iranian Foreign Minister Mohammed Javad Zarif, who agreed to speak with us “even though you’re calling from the Zionist Entity“.
“I cannot understand such a betrayal.” lamented Minister Zarif. “We had a deal. I considered John a friend. I mean, Just last week I sold him a very nice Persian rug for a very, very good price….. a price reserved only for close friends. Mister Kerry was supposed to drop off his lunch money tomorrow. How could this happen?”
Former Secretary of State Kerry was equally upset. “I find it particularly galling, the lack of nuance and appreciation for the diplomatic process in the Trump Administration. Just last week I was discussing the merits of the Iran deal at the Brookings Institute. And now it’s in grave danger. Worst of all, now that I don’t have a weekly appointment to wash Zarif’s car, my schedule is in tatters.”
As the interview drew to a close, Secretary Kerry had one more question. “The Daily Freier, eh? I find your newspaper’s name fascinating. Just what is a “Freier” anyway?“
And this has like ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with the fact that the Museum Board is now packed with Obama Administration alumnae to include Ben Rhodes, AKA “The Guy who sold us the Iran Deal”.
So the Museum authored a study that said “a variety of factors, which were more or less fixed, made it very difficult from the beginning for the US government to take effective action to prevent atrocities in Syria, even compared with other challenging policy contexts.” Using computational modeling and game theory methods, as well as interviews with experts and policymakers, the report asserted that greater support for the anti-Assad rebels and US strikes on the Assad regime after the August 2013 chemical weapons attack would not have reduced atrocities in the country, and might conceivably have contributed to them.
Anyway, it appears that the Museum is real busy these days burnishing a certain former President’s legacy. And we would not want to disturb them. That would be a red line rude. So we went ahead and edited the Museum’s mission statement (posted above) to reflect their new Goals. You’re Welcome.
Haifa: Ahead of their high-profile meeting in Washington this week, a team of scientists at Haifa’s prestigious Technion Institute have managed to harness the animosity sexual tension between Binyamin Netanyahu and Barack Obama to power a small turbine on the Israeli Coast just south of Haifa. The Daily Freier attended a press conference where the lead scientists explained this fascinating breakthrough.
“It is actually a rather simple concept” explained Doctoral Student Gideon B. “The intense feelings these men have for one another actually charge the ions in the air around them with opposite yet attracting polarities. If properly captured, these ions can then generate a very powerful electric current. This current in turn spins turbines allowing us to generate several Megawatts of power, the exact level depending on whether or not Jeffrey Goldberg has published a column that day”
At this point, co-moderator Alex G. played a short video demonstrating the concept. “So in the turbine itself, we play a constant newsfeed of the two men interacting in public……OK, so here we have the two leaders awkwardly hugging on a tarmac……..And now we have them publicly contradicting one another at a joint press conference, like a bickering couple……And now we have a picture of them staring into one another’s eyes. It looks like they can’t stand each other, but it’s really a thin line between love and hate. You can literally feel the excitement in the air. I don’t know about you, but the hair on my arms are sticking out right now.”
While the commercial and economic feasibility of the generator have yet to be fully determined, Gideon noted that if he could only find a picture of the two leaders in matching denim jackets and cowboy hats, he could power the City of Haifa for months.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.