Category: Sarah Tuttle-Singer

Jerusalem, Sarah Tuttle-Singer

Sneak Preview: Sarah Tuttle-Singer’s Movie!

Stop the Presses! The Daily Freier has a sneak preview of Sarah Tuttle-Singer’s new movie about her adventures in Jerusalem! That’s right, Sarah is shooting a movie in Jerusalem this week, and we have an exclusive look at some of the scenes! How did we do it, you ask? We waited nonchalantly at the bottom of Machane Yehuda while she exited a cab with 3 cats and accidentally dropped a page of the screenplay. This sort of thing happens to us more than you think. But don’t take our word for it, see for yourselves! Just remember you saw it here first!

Scene: Security Checkpoint at entrance to City Hall Plaza. Sarah is arguing with a police officer.

Sarah: Smadar, why are you going through my purse?

Smadar: I’m looking for something.

Sarah: Smadar, you’ve known me for years. I once got you into the good lounge at Ben Gurion. What are you talking about?

Smadar (grabs a small packet): Found it.

Sarah: But Smadar, that’s bird seed!!!

Smadar: Yes and yesterday when you were here, the pigeons in the plaza somehow arranged themselves to read “Bibi Sucks“.

Sarah (looks into the distance): Wow…ummm… that’s… that’s just crazy. It doesn’t even make any sense…

Smadar (throws packet in the trash): Yom Tov, Sarah.

Scene: Jaffa Gate. Two young women dressed in the style of religious modesty are sitting on a bench quietly chatting in North American accented English. Sarah approaches from the Citadel of David.

Sarah: Ladies, can I just tell you that I love your dresses? It’s so cool that you can be Tznius and look Amazing at the same time, right?

(The women stare blankly in confusion)

Sarah: I’m so glad you came to Jerusalem for a year of Sem. But I mean, it’s Thursday evening! Shouldn’t you be down at Crack Square looking for your future husbands???

(Sarah grabs the women by the hand and pulls them up.)

Sarah: Come on, let’s walk down there together. I was going to Mike’s Place anyway! But hold my flask for a minute while I put away this jar of labneh that I got from my friend Rania!

Young Woman (slightly frightened): Umm, we’re like Latter Day Saints from Idaho, and we’re at BYU Jerusalem serving our mission?

Sarah: OMG

Scene: Church of the Holy Sepulchre Rooftop, mid-morning. Sarah is sitting next to an Ethiopian Orthodox Priest. Two German tourists are taking photos of a crow as it persistently pecks at a discarded plastic tub of hummus.

Sarah: Which brings us back to the question of the historical Jesus, and how we can center him in a 1st Century fight for social justice against a corrupted priesthood in collusion with a despotic Roman Empire. I mean, you could only pay your tithe at the Temple with their coin, so it’s basically a Monopoly preying on the poor. But at the same time, we can’t forget John the Baptist. I mean you guys call him the precursor, right? But does he have a role independent of…

Priest: Sarah my friend, your knowledge of our shared history is vast. But is it impolite in your culture if I ask you to pass the joint now?

(Fade to Black)

Sarah Tuttle-Singer

Jerusalem cab driver writes book about Sarah Tuttle-Singer

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 9/27/2019 at 2:30 PM

Jerusalem: Israel’s Literary Community is abuzz with news of the nation’s Latest Besteller. Titled “OMG, Can You Just Tell Me?“, the book is written by Gruff but Lovable Israeli cab driver Shlomo D. The story tells of his free-form discussions with journalist/author Ms. Tuttle-Singer and includes tales of war, love, loss, family, reconciliation, and who sells the best pomegranates.

Written over the course of 3 years, the book is entirely derived from conversations Shlomo had with Sarah as they drove around Jerusalem, and it covers the course of a friendship that started with Shlomo innocently trying to charge Sarah double the normal rate and graduated to Shlomo inviting Sarah to his niece’s wedding 40 minutes later. The Daily Freier bought a copy of the book, and it was almost as good as the advance copy of Sarah’s book that we stole from Crave Gourmet Street Food last year.  So without further ado, here is our synopsis:

Chapter 1: It’s December. Where the Hell is her coat?

Chapter 2: We’re in a traffic jam & Sarah is writing her Fauda fan-fiction again.

Chapter 3: That’s a police checkpoint. Please put away your flask.

Chapter 4: I never actually said “Nu, Saralah?”

Chapter 5: Those cats are NOT getting in my cab.

Chapter 6: I don’t think she likes Bibi.

Chapter 7: The time she had me read her kid’s 6th Grade Essay about Tu B’Shvat and Feminism.

Chapter 8: What’s are edibles?

Chapter 9: No, I never asked myself whether Queen Esther was secretly bi-sexual.

Chapter 10: By all means, please tell me who makes the best hummus in Lod.

When asked about his next steps in the literary world, Shlomo told the Daily Freier that the book’s royalties mean he never has to work again. Also, last year in a fit of entrepreneurial genius, Shlomo introduced Sarah to his wife Sarit, who sells scarves.

UPDATE: Israeli literati woke up in shock this morning to allegations that Shlomo had plagiarized several chapters using a controversial algorithm to build counterfeit Sarah Tuttle-Singer stories that are virtually indistinguishable from the real thing. An angry Shlomo addressed these accusations at a hastily held Press Conference, blaming them on “jealous” neighbors and his idiot cousin Dovi who moved to Miami in the 1990’s.

 

 

 

Petitions, Sarah Tuttle-Singer

Tell Sarah Tuttle-Singer to share more of her thoughts/ideas. Cuz we have Writer’s Block.

sarah-tuttle-singer-narrates-you-waze-directionsSo the Daily Freier is suffering from Writer’s Block. Bigly. We’ve tried everything, even showing up at a Secret Tel Aviv job fair totally baked, but Jonny saw us and (very politely) asked us to leave. Anyhoo, where were we? Oh yeah, our case of writer’s block. And, yada yada yada, Sarah Tuttle-Singer! You see, while some petitions seek to shut Sarah down, or shut down the people who want to shut her down, or umm… something about her hair style?….our petition wants Sarah to share MORE. We want Sarah to share more than a vegan cross-fit enthusiast who trades Bitcoin. We want Sarah to share more than your friend who wants to tell you all about his/her/preferred pronoun’s latest juice cleanse. Because we are all out of story ideas this week. And even though you people were less than helpful with our previous petitions trying to reinstate Oren Hazan (again, writer’s block) and trying to get ourselves banned from Israel’s school curriculum (really!), we hold out hope that you, our reading public will do us a solid.

Do it for us. Do it for her Arab cab driver who listens to Carlebach. Do it for the vegan Chabadnik who never lets her win at Shesh-Besh. Do it for the totally chill lesbian off-the-derech couple who always let her use the bathroom in their makolet when she’s walking home from Crave. Do it for The Gay Mizrahi truck driver who always sells the best pomegranates.

So please send the following message: “Help us Obi Tuttle-Kenobi, you’re our only hope.”  And sign the petition here.

(Hugs),

The Daily Freier

Sarah Tuttle-Singer, U.S. Embassy in Israel

Critics fear Embassy Move will cause renewed outbreak of Sarah Tuttle-Singer articles

By Aaron Pomerantz & Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 5/15/2018 at 10:30 PM

Jerusalem, Crave Gourmet Street Food: With tensions high following yesterday’s opening of the U.S. Embassy in Jerusalem, experts are bracing for a serious escalation. That’s right: a whole bunch of articles, posts, and Blog entries by Times of Israel editor/author Sarah Tuttle-Singer. And Can I Just Tell You? Things are about to get real. The Daily Freier spoke with multiple sources on and off the record to find out just what the heck is about to happen.

“I know that Turkey recalled its Ambassadors to the United States and Israel yesterday, and I guess that’s kind of important.” stated a Western European Ambassador posted in Tel Aviv. “But what if Sarah writes an article tomorrow where she sips spiced wine and discusses the Occupation with two Lesbian settlers and a Christian Arab clockmaker on a rooftop in the Armenian Quarter at 3 AM. Then what, huh? ”

Others were equally pessimistic, including an unnamed official from the Jewish Agency. “What if she gets together with a Slovakian backpacker with A-MA-ZING cheekbones and an Imam from Nazareth who tells risqué jokes in Yiddish…. and they decide to solve the worlds problems over a pack of Marlboro Lites? We’re simply not prepared.”

“I hear she’s been illegally stockpiling Laphroaig Anecdotes in contravention to Established Treaties.” whispered a U.N Peacekeeper at Mike’s Place while on R&R from his base in the Golan. “And you never know when she will decide to use them.”

Yet despite feelings of angst throughout the City, there were others who seemed more optimistic. “I’m pretty relaxed about the whole thing.” noted The Gay Mizrahi Truck Driver Who Always Sells The Best Pomegranates.

 

 

 

 

Sarah Tuttle-Singer, Start Up Nation, Waze, Yom Ha'atzmaut

Sarah Tuttle-Singer narrates your Waze directions!

So in honor of Israel’s 70th Birthday, our much beloved President/National Grandfather Reuven Rivlin is lending his voice to the Israeli driving app Waze! How amazing is that? But did you know that President Rivlin was not their first choice? Waze tested several other Israeli public figures, yet for various reasons, it just didn’t work out. But the Daily Freier was able to steal acquire the transcripts of the celebrities rejected for this honor. And this week we will review them all: Your Nefesh B’ Nefesh Aliyah Counselor, The Netanyahus (Bibi, Sara, and Yair!), the Editorial Board of Haaretz, Aryeh Deri, and the Israeli guy you just matched with on Tindr who currently wants to bang you and/or invite you to his Cousin’s wedding next week in Hadera. But today? Today we present you the rejected Waze narration from Times of Israel editor/author Sarah Tuttle-Singer! So without further ado, here are the transcripts!

(Time 11:00, Jerusalem, Davidka Square)

Oh hey! So you need to drive to Ben Gurion for a 3 PM flight? No problem, I know this city like the back of my hand, I even wrote a book about it! So let’s take this Amazing secret passage through Machane Yehuda! You see, last Purim I kissed a Haredi Woman there. No really! We were both wearing masks, but we all wear different masks every day of our lives, right? I mean when you think about…..wait a second, turn left here…..So anyway, we kissed and it was incredible….. Careful, the light’s about to turn red….But anyways, it was Purim, so, I mean like YOLO, right?

(Time: 11:57, Jaffa Street)

You may want to turn left here, they’ve been doing construction on this road for months and making like ZERO progress but when I asked the foreman what the holdup was, we sat down over a cup of sahlab and got in a long talk about his Army service and why he always plays Scrabble on Simchat Torah and…..wait a second, where was I? OMG the kiss? Can I tell you about the kiss? So as we finally broke our embrace, I swept away the bangs of her sheitl and we were both just so present in the moment. And as we parted our separate ways into the Jerusalem darkness, I could hear her voice echo off the ancient cobblestones: “Sei Gezunt!”……OK, let’s head toward the Damascus Gate. No, don’t worry it’s totally chill. And sorry but I’m going to have to insist that you stop at my friend Mustafa’s cafe for the BEST Arabic coffee in the city. Don’t worry, we have time. I mean, the cardamom? Can I tell you about the cardamo….. Take your second right in the roundabout….I could write an entire short story on how the taste of the cardamom lingers on the tongue and takes you back to the 15th Century and long ago villages and Winter rain and first love and…..

(Time: 12:49, somewhere near the Siloam Pools)

OK I think we’re lost right now. Wait, I can fix this. Can you drive until you see a furniture shop with this tall guy standing outside with the most incredible green eyes so even when I knew he was kinda overcharging me to re-upholster my couch, I didn’t care because I mean, easy on the eyes? (Get it? Get it?)

(Time: 13:26, The American Colony)

OMG OMG OMG stop the car! That’s Sarit, and she makes the most INCREDIBLE jewelry out of Goldstar bottle caps, dental floss, 10 Agurot coins, and tree sap! Can you run in and give her a hug for me and tell her that I’m sorry I missed her son’s Bris but that we totally need to catch up over drinks at Crave? It will only take a minute.

(Time: 14:08, Ammunition Hill)

OK, it looks like you might not make your flight, but I mean, isn’t life really about the journey?

Jerusalem, Sarah Tuttle-Singer

Exclusive Preview: Sarah Tuttle-Singer’s new Book!

While all of you wait impatiently for Sarah’s new book on life in Jerusalem to come out, running old Daily Freier algorithms to build your own Sarah-Tuttle Singer article while trying to somehow find a way that the Israeli postal system will allow you to order the real thing from Amazon, the Daily Freier managed to steal a page of her final draft. How did we do it you ask? By patiently waiting at Crave Street Food until she got distracted by the arrival of her friend the Gay Mizrahi truck driver who always sells the best pomegranates. And we passed on this excerpt to YOU, our loyal readers. Don’t thank us. We’re not listening. So without further ado, behold a page of the manuscript!

 

……. seriously mixed feelings because how was I supposed to know that my Internet troll would be so cute in real life? I know, right? But anyway, let me tell you about the time my Palestinian cab driver was listening to Carlebach and OMG can I just tell you? Crave’s bathroom stocks free tampons! Hella Woke, Am I right? So then I’m just walking through Machane Yehuda rummaging through my purse for a coin for the scratch-off lottery ticket that I bought from that really funky Makolet that’s run by the totally chill lesbian Off the Derech couple who always let me use their bathroom when I have to pee. So where was I? OK so I’m drinking from my flask of Laphroaig 18 Years. The peat? OMG can I tell you about the peat? But anyway, I bought it at the Heathrow Duty Free, and the cashier was wearing full hijab. And we had an amazing moment in the checkout line that reminded me that anything is possible if we just…. wait a second. I think I misjudged the strength of the edibles that I took an hour ago and the last time this happened I ended up walking the entire ancient road from Ramle to Yafo and got these Painful blisters because I was wearing flats that were kinda too big but I didn’t have time to return them because Crave had just changed their menu and can I just tell you? Their lamb bacon? Better than the real thing. So anyway, let me tell you about the ride back. So I’m standing on the platform waiting for my train and I sneezed. Because it’s cold out. And I wasn’t wearing a coat. Don’t judge, OK? So Yeah. I sneezed. And then do you know what happened? This Haredi guy turned to me and said “Sei Gezunt”. Which was just incredible. Kind of like the time I went to Mid-Burn in the Negev and accidentally joined a cult for 6 hours before I figured out that the mushrooms must have been……

 

 

Sarah Tuttle-Singer, Times of Israel

And now…. the winning Sarah Tuttle-Singer article!

Build Your Own Sarah Tuttle Singer Article!Humans of Israel and Beyond!  This week the Daily Freier challenged you to build your own Sarah Tuttle-Singer article…..and almost 800 of you took time out of your busy schedules of trolling each other to participate in the contest. We had incredible results. Amazing results. The best results. Just the best. So much winning. We actually got bored of winning! Anyways, without further ado, here are the runner-ups and the winner of this auspicious contest. Shabbat Shalom!

SECOND RUNNER UP!

Hi. You didn’t know me then but I used to troll Secret Tel Aviv. But now I live in Jerusalem so let me tell you about my dry cleaner who used to be in Hamas but now is into tai-chi. Anyway, let me tell you about My Israel. In My Israel there’s a cat that hangs around outside the medical marijuana building getting a contact high. Which reminds me of why I really really can’t stand Bibi. And don’t get me started on Trump today.  The wall!

FIRST RUNNER UP!

Hi. You didn’t know me then but I used to have a major crush on Naftali Bennett. But now I live in Jerusalem so let me tell you about the Haredi lady in my soul cycle class who votes Meretz. Anyway, let me tell you about My Israel. In My Israel there’s a Druze cab driver who looks kind of like Larry David. Which reminds me of why….No you don’t get it. I REALLY can’t stand Bibi. And don’t get me started on Trump today. @&${>^©©|]€¢¥)&@

AND THE WINNER IS…..

Hi. You didn’t know me then but I used to get really baked and crank call Likud Headquarters. But now I live in Jerusalem so let me tell you about the Palestinian woman who knows every episode of Seinfeld. Anyway, let me tell you about My Israel. In My Israel there’s a Palestinian barber who keeps giving me advice about my use of punctuation. Which reminds me of why…. Hey! Are you even paying attention? I can’t stand Bibi!  And don’t get me started on Trump today. He should be impeached!

 

Sarah Tuttle-Singer, Times of Israel

Build your own Sarah Tuttle-Singer article!

Build Your Own Sarah Tuttle Singer Article!Love reading Sarah’s musings on life in Israel, rants about all things Trumpian, and where to get the best hummus…. but don’t have time to scan the Times of Israel? Well fear not, for the Daily Freier has created a machine so advanced, you can build your very own Sarah Tuttle-Singer article. From scratch. And we conducted a blindfolded survey of 10 random people off the street, and none of them could tell the difference between our product and the real thing. We guarantee. Or your money back. So just hit the “Start Survey” button below and build your own story about flasks, the best pomegranate guy at the Shuk, and some not so nice words about The Donald. On Friday we will write a story using your most popular entries. You’re welcome.