So the United States Embassy in Jerusalem decided that they want to be the Capitol of Buzzkills, because nobody can get appointments for nothing. We don’t want to say we called it, but back in 2021 we kinda called it. You see, the Embassy has been in a bit of a funk ever since they had to move from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem. Then Covid arrived and the virus became the perfect reason for government employees not to do things like “their jobs”.
But now it’s 2023, and The People are restless. How do we know this? Because we’re Anglo Olim; and if there are two things that Anglo Olim love, it’s complaining and WhatsApp groups. Right now we are on a bunch of these groups, where Olim are complaining and sending around petitions demanding that the Embassy give us some appointments.
Will the petition do any good? Here at The Daily Freier we like to speak in riddles. So behold: a list of Ten Things that will happen before you get your appointment at the U.S. Embassy in Jerusalem!
“Fiddler on the Roof” duet featuring Matisyahu & Roger Waters!
Kerem House thinks your idea for an event is just Too Crazy to work.
Soldier on your Taglit trip wants a commitment before things go any further.
Bartender works at Mike’s Place for over a month.
Hen Mazzig & Ariel Gold move to Spain together.
Allenby doesn’t smell like pee today.
“Asking for a friend” post on Secret Tel Aviv is actually asking for a friend.
“I’m going back to Ulpan next year!”
Your friend comes back from Midburn but doesn’t really have much to say about it.
Jerusalem: Are you unemployed with time on your hands? We are seeking folks with excellent Attention to Detail (mild OCD is a plus!) and a good internet connection for an exciting new business in Jerusalem!
Our Start-Up Nation ingenuity has found a way to solve the most pressing problem facing Olim in Israel (no, not the shortage of Skippy peanut butter or Kirkland toilet paper at Osher Ad)…. the lack of available appointments at the US Embassy.
You see, some people saw Corona as a challenge to overcome, whereas the U.S Embassy saw it as an opportunity to DO NOTHING. For a year. Seriously, they’re handing out appointments like Willie Wonka handed out Golden Tickets to his factory (But without the winsome charm of the late Gene Wilder, ז’ל.)
For a modest fee, one of our customer service specialists (OK, they’re all Kollel wives) will sit on the computer all day periodically refreshing the embassy website until an appointment opens up for you.
Listen to what this satisfied customer had to say: “So….umm….. does that mean your next venture is to pay people to sit at Osher Ad waiting for the delivery of Kirkland toilet paper? I would totally pay for that. Amazon has been so slow these days with my toilet paper orders.“
We are looking to fill positions immediately. No need for a TZ number…let’s not get those snoops at Maas Hachnasah involved. (“Strictly a fanciful jest!” -The Daily Freier Legal Department). Forward all inquiries to our HR Department at email@example.com.
Tel Aviv, HaYarkon Street: A 1989 agreement that foresaw a US Embassy move to Jerusalem stipulated that Israel would take custody of the old Tel Aviv location free of charge. Yet according to published reports, the United States has backtracked, and will not hand over the prime beachfront property on HaYarkon Street.
Political commentators surmised that the United States might sell the property to the highest bidder. But sources from within the Trump Administration have revealed that Israel will in fact be granted the property on condition that it becomes the physical campus for the Trump University Graduate School of Diplomacy. President Trump explained his rationale:
“This school, my school, rectifies a total real estate disaster initiated by the Bush Administration in 1989. Just like I got us out of his son’s mess in Iraq, I’m ensuring the United States makes the most of this key property holding.”
In the past two months, the Trump Administration has touted its key role in Israeli normalization deals with the United Arab Emirates, the Kingdom of Bahrain, and Sudan, and has suggested that numerous other Arab nations are purportedly interested in peace with the Jewish state.
“I don’t need the credit for peace, because they’ll never give it to me, even though I definitely deserve it. The **TRUMP** School of Diplomacy will be a huge step in the quest for future peace, and no less importantly, will let the world know who is responsible for it, even though it doesn’t matter.”
The graduate school will offer a Masters’ degree with optional focuses in Deal Making, Negotiating, and Winning. It will be the first institution to offer an M.A.d. (Master of Arts… of the Deal).
The **TRUMP** School of Diplomacy will be the President’s second academic center in Israel. Trump Yeshiva, the Judaic Studies Department at Trump University, is currently headquartered in one of the many haunted corridors of the Tel Aviv Central Bus Station. Upon opening of the Trump School of Diplomacy, Trump Yeshiva plans to move to the Embassy complex, in the annex right next to where they’re going to be selling Trump Steaks.
Jerusalem, Crave Gourmet Street Food: With tensions high following yesterday’s opening of the U.S. Embassy in Jerusalem, experts are bracing for a serious escalation. That’s right: a whole bunch of articles, posts, and Blog entries by Times of Israel editor/author Sarah Tuttle-Singer. And Can I Just Tell You? Things are about to get real. The Daily Freier spoke with multiple sources on and off the record to find out just what the heck is about to happen.
“I know that Turkey recalled its Ambassadors to the United States and Israel yesterday, and I guess that’s kind of important.” stated a Western European Ambassador posted in Tel Aviv. “But what if Sarah writes an article tomorrow where she sips spiced wine and discusses the Occupation with two Lesbian settlers and a Christian Arab clockmaker on a rooftop in the Armenian Quarter at 3 AM. Then what, huh? ”
Others were equally pessimistic, including an unnamed official from the Jewish Agency. “What if she gets together with a Slovakian backpacker with A-MA-ZING cheekbones and an Imam from Nazareth who tells risqué jokes in Yiddish…. and they decide to solve the worlds problems over a pack of Marlboro Lites? We’re simply not prepared.”
“I hear she’s been illegally stockpiling Laphroaig Anecdotes in contravention to Established Treaties.” whispered a U.N Peacekeeper at Mike’s Place while on R&R from his base in the Golan. “And you never know when she will decide to use them.”
Jerusalem, the German Colony: Israel’s capital (Yeah, we said it.) experienced quite a scare today as a clearly agitated man was taken into custody for his own safety. At approximately 10 AM this morning, an older gentleman wearing a disheveled suit wandered into traffic and attempted to enter a private vehicle that he described as “my town car“. At this point the driver’s owner got into an altercation with the gentleman, who insisted that he had “an important message for Abu Mazen” [Momentary Real World Buzzkill: Yes he DID actually say this today]. After the vehicle’s irate driver pushed him away, the pensioner walked over to a local convenience store, where he patiently discussed with a confused Dati woman the best places to park your yacht on Martha’s Vineyard during the winter months. After several minutes, the gentleman exited the shop and jumped onto the Jerusalem light rail, describing the movement of the train as being “not unlike windsurfing” before exiting at the Machane Yehuda Market. As the retiree wandered the Shuk’s confusing alleys, he told a man selling cactus fruit that “this place is more confusing than Dizengoff Center“. The man then stopped at a pastry shop, where he dropped his voice to a conspiratorial whisper and told customers that within a year there was a good chance that Trump would not be in the White House and that he was “seriously considering running for president in 2020.” [Real World Alert: Yes he really said this]. It was at this point that concerned bystanders feared that the man was suffering from the delusions of grandeur symptomatic of “Jerusalem Syndrome” and stepped in to help. As one man distracted the pensioner by entering into a drawn out negotiation over a carpet, a woman slipped away to call for medical help. Magen David Adom personnel quickly arrived on the scene and gently escorted the confused man into a waiting ambulance that they described as his “personal limousine” that would bring him to meet “the important people“.
UPDATE: An American Embassy spokesperson described the man’s current condition as “Good” and that he was “quite busy” perusing the care package he had received from the Embassy’s Consular Section, consisting of some nautical charts of Cape Cod, Season Three of the West Wing, and a Thomas Friedman book.
“We just wanted to show President Trump how much we appreciated his courage.” explained City Manager Yoni C. “And what better way to honor Mr. Trump than to name our little town after that word he accidentally invented on Twitter last Spring.”