By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 7/2/2022 at 13:30
Damascus: In a scene right out of spy Thrillers like “Fauda” or “Tehran“, Israel has infiltrated Damascus International Airport, crippling Iranian weapons shipments. Yet this feat was accomplished not by the vaunted Israeli Air Force, nor was it accomplished by the secretive Mossad. Rather, Damascus Airport was taken down by an elite team from El Al Airlines. You see, when it comes to really screwing up air travel, nobody comes close to the expertise of El Al. There is even a Facebook group to complain about them (Spoiler Alert: They don’t care). In order to get the whole story, The Daily Freier spoke with stranded travelers and employees at Damascus Airport via Zoom and pestered some real journalists who were actually on the scene.
“Somebody just took down our website.” complained Ahmed from the Airport’s IT office. “How do you take down a website that runs on Windows 95? Who still has access to that technology? Our country has been in a civil war for 11 years. What’s your excuse?”
“I’ve been on hold for 7 hours.” noted a frustrated woman named Fatima as she watched her 3 children while trying to reach a customer service representative. “If this sorcery is the work of the Jews, then they are even more clever than we previously believed.“
While we spoke to Fatima, another traveler joined in and noted his experience. “I finally got through on the telephone to a human.” explained Saleh. “Unfortunately, he told me that the only person who can help me is on Maternity Leave. When I told him that my luggage has been lost for 3 days, he called me a Liar.“
The International Community was quick to condemn Israel’s actions at Damascus Airport. A spokesperson for Russia’s foreign ministry declared that “The provocative Israeli attack against essential civilian infrastructure is an absolutely unacceptable violation of international norms”. (REAL WORLD NON-SATIRE ALERT: Russia really really said this.)
A Syrian official speaking on condition of anonymity stated that El Al’s attacks would have actually been much worse, but Damascus Airport stopped using Fax Machines in 2007.