Tag: #IranDeal

Iran Names its Newest Ballistic Missile in Honor of Ben Rhodes

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 12/17/2017 at 3:00 PM

Tehran- The Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps was giddy with anticipation today as they waited for Iran’s Supreme Leader to unveil their newest weapon system to the public. As crowds waited at the bi-weekly “Death to America/Death to Israel Military Parade and Children’s Puppet Show”, the Ayatollah Khameini removed a giant tarp to reveal Iran’s newest missile: the “Ben Rhodes”. Named in honor of the most clever former aspiring novelist to ever serve as a National Security Advisor to Barack Obama, the “Ben Rhodes” is an impressive weapon indeed. The Ayatollah Khameini explained the reasoning behind the name to the press.

“In our culture, it is important to show gratitude. So it only seemed fair to name this great missile after the man who helped make it all possible. Of course, he had some help. So honestly, coming up with just one name was a bit tough.” Khameini then shared a fascinating tidbit of inside information. “You know, at first we voted to name the missile after John Kerry, but then we voted against it.

The Ayatollah then went on to explain the rigorous testing that the missile went through, to include tests in a specially constructed Echo Chamber. “This missile took a lot of work. But it’s funny how everything worked out in the end: the Iran Deal, our unfrozen assets, America “Leading from Behind”. Yes it is all quite funny. But not as funny as Ben Rhodes being named to the Board of the Holocaust Museum in Washington.

When pressed for future reveals from Iran’s arsenal, the Ayatollah let slip that the Revolutionary Guard would soon unleash their new decoy drone, the “Obama”. The Ayatollah then explained the drone’s unique capabilities. “The Obama looks like a formidable missile and sports a gigantic Red Line along its base. It will launch with a very loud bang but then wander aimlessly around the sky emitting a high pitch whining noise without ever reaching its intended target. Oh, and it costs $400 Million Dollars.

(This story first appeared on Israellycool in 2017)

 

 

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Kerry Warns Israel That If They Oppose Iran Deal, He Will Personally Deliver 10,000 Electric Bikes to Tel Aviv

john-kerryBy Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 8/11/2015 at 3:30 PM

WashingtonUnited States Secretary of State John Francis Kerry issued a chilling ultimatum to Israel earlier today according to credible sources.  Per these sources, in a closed-door session Kerry informed Israel’s Ambassador Ron Dermer that if Israel continued to oppose the Iran nuclear deal, that Kerry would personally deliver 10,000 electric bikes to downtown Tel Aviv.  “10,000 effing bikes, Ron.  You think I’m bluffing?  C-17 baby.  I can bring all the electric bikes I want.”  Kerry continued, “I will personally hand out these bikes.  Then just try walking down the sidewalk or crossing the street….. But I’m not finished.  You cross me and my Embassy will sponsor a week-long 24/7 matkot tournament.  With mizrahi pop music.  Lots and Lots of mizrahi pop music.  How you like them apples, Ron?”  Kerry went on to promise that if Israel continues to oppose the deal, he would  kick off the matkot tournament, give away the electric bikes by hand, and then go windsurfing.

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