Tag: Ben Rhodes

Barack Obama, Israellycool

Obama wins 2nd Nobel Prize for creating the Israeli-Saudi alliance

Oslo: The International Community is positively giddy with the news that Former President Barack Obama is to receive his SECOND Nobel Peace Prize! Nobel Committee spokesperson Lars Olaf addressed the assembled news media earlier today.

“The Nobel Committee is proud to award this year’s prize to Barack Obama for his steadfast work uniting former enemies in the belief that his policies posed a clear and present danger to their respective nations. Mr. Obama’s Iran Policy has managed to bring Israel into a de-facto alliance with Saudi Arabia, Egypt, and the United Arab Emirates. Ten years ago, this would be unthinkable!”

The electrified crowd burst into applause when Mr. Obama strode into the room to accept his prize. “Please excuse my lateness, I was leading from behind…Then again, we are the one we’ve been waiting for.”

(The Daily Freier is published over at Israellycool today. Go check it out!)

Hezbollah, Tel Aviv Living

Training for war, Hezbollah builds realistic model of Tel Aviv that’s unaffordable, full of pot smoke & smells like pee

October 29, 2017 Training for war, Hezbollah builds a mock-up of Tel Aviv that’s unaffordable, full of pot smoke & smells like peeBy Aaron Pomerantz and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 2/14/2018 at 8:30 PM

Bekaa Valley, Lebanon: With this week’s little misunderstanding with our Northern neighbors, it appears that the region is one step closer to war. Yes, despite last Autumn’s highly effective #IsraelLovesLebanon hashtag campaign, it appears that not everyone is feeling the love. In fact, Iran continues to arm Hezbollah with advanced weaponry, including its latest “Ben Rhodes” Missile. Yet today the Daily Freier discovered an even more serious escalation: Hezbollah has turned an isolated part of the Bekaa Valley into a realistic simulation of Tel Aviv in which to train its troops. In fact, this “Little Tel Aviv” is so realistic, it’s overpriced, covered in cannabis smoke, full of electric bikes, and smells like dried pee. In order to get a better picture of the situation, the Daily Freier interviewed a Hezbollah representative named “Ali” via Skype.

“Yesterday, we tested one of our squads on what it would be like to be inserted into the city.” explained Ali. “So they hid out in a cafe until dark and ended up spending all of their allotted funds on 30 Shekel cups of coffee. And when they went outside at nightfall, their bikes had been stolen.”

As Ali continued his description, volunteers were visible in the background chugging large amounts of water and tea in order to help put the finishing touches on the city’s unique aromas. “We had to postpone last week’s exercise after our mortar squad tried to take a shortcut through the Namal port and ran out of funds.” Ali then introduced the mortar team leader, Hassan. “We were moving through the Namal and saw a Shuk, so we said ‘Hey, let’s stop for supplies.’ An hour later we wandered out with 4 white potatoes and a jar of tahina for 150 Shekels….. They said it was organic.”

To make matters worse, Ali revealed that their Logistics Unit quit halfway through the Exercise and decided to form a start-up. “Now they just stand on the roof all day with their shirts off playing ping-pong.”

Ali also explained that the problems reached as far as Hezbollah’s Women’s Auxiliary. “Zeynep is one of our sisters in the Resistance who served as a role player in ‘Little Tel Aviv’. But last week she bought a small dog and now she has a fitness-themed Instagram page that tries to sell you nutrition supplements and organic smoothies.”

As we ended the chat, Ali explained that next week their simulated Tel Aviv would receive a massive infusion of people speaking nothing but French.

Barack Obama, John Forbes Kerry

Khameini is in trouble! Quick, let’s fly him $1.7 Billion stacked on pallets!

SCENE: Headquarters, Justice League of Unemployed Lefty “Experts”

Former President Barack Obama: People, let me perfectly clear. These protests. In Iran. Are contributing. To instability. In the Middle East. And more importantly. They are. Endangering. My Legacy. Which is. The Iran Nuclear Deal.

Former Secretary of State John Forbes Kerry: I actually was for these protests, before I was against them.

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton: (Stumbles in dressed in hiking gear and clutching a bottle of Chardonnay): Let’s tell everyone to be quiet and not voice support for the protesters. I mean, it worked last time.

(The Daily Freier is published on Israellycool today. Go Check it out!)

Israellycool, John Forbes Kerry

Iran Names its Newest Ballistic Missile in Honor of Ben Rhodes

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 12/17/2017 at 3:00 PM

Tehran- The Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps was giddy with anticipation today as they waited for Iran’s Supreme Leader to unveil their newest weapon system to the public. As crowds waited at the bi-weekly “Death to America/Death to Israel Military Parade and Children’s Puppet Show”, the Ayatollah Khameini removed a giant tarp to reveal Iran’s newest missile: the “Ben Rhodes”. Named in honor of the most clever former aspiring novelist to ever serve as a National Security Advisor to Barack Obama, the “Ben Rhodes” is an impressive weapon indeed. The Ayatollah Khameini explained the reasoning behind the name to the press.

“In our culture, it is important to show gratitude. So it only seemed fair to name this great missile after the man who helped make it all possible. Of course, he had some help. So honestly, coming up with just one name was a bit tough.” Khameini then shared a fascinating tidbit of inside information. “You know, at first we voted to name the missile after John Kerry, but then we voted against it.”

The Ayatollah then went on to explain the rigorous testing that the missile went through, to include tests in a specially constructed Echo Chamber. “This missile took a lot of work. But it’s funny how everything worked out in the end: the Iran Deal, our unfrozen assets, America “Leading from Behind”. Yes it is all quite funny. But not as funny as Ben Rhodes being named to the Board of the Holocaust Museum in Washington.”

When pressed for future reveals from Iran’s arsenal, the Ayatollah let slip that the Revolutionary Guard would soon unleash their new decoy drone, the “Obama”. The Ayatollah then explained the drone’s unique capabilities. “The Obama looks like a formidable missile and sports a gigantic Red Line along its base. It will launch with a very loud bang but then wander aimlessly around the sky emitting a high pitch whining noise without ever reaching its intended target. Oh, and it costs $400 Million Dollars.”

(This story first appeared on Israellycool in 2017)

 

 

Barack Obama

Revised Mission Statement for the U.S. Holocaust Museum

Holocaust Museum Daily freierSo apparently the U.S. Holocaust Museum has expanded its Mission Statement to include the defense of Barack Obama’s legacy on Syria.

And this has like ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with the fact that the Museum Board is now packed with Obama Administration alumnae to include Ben Rhodes, AKA “The Guy who sold us the Iran Deal”.

So the Museum authored a study that said “a variety of factors, which were more or less fixed, made it very difficult from the beginning for the US government to take effective action to prevent atrocities in Syria, even compared with other challenging policy contexts.” Using computational modeling and game theory methods, as well as interviews with experts and policymakers, the report asserted that greater support for the anti-Assad rebels and US strikes on the Assad regime after the August 2013  chemical weapons attack would not have reduced atrocities in the country, and might conceivably have contributed to them.

Anyway, it appears that the Museum is real busy these days burnishing a certain former President’s legacy. And we would not want to disturb them. That would be a red line rude. So we went ahead and edited the Museum’s mission statement (posted above) to reflect their new Goals. You’re Welcome.

Barack Obama, Carlos Danger

Obama pardons Anthony Weiner’s Twitter Account

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 1/19/2017 at 2:30 PM

Washington: With only hours left in his Administration, President Obama acted decisively today in order to correct a great injustice: the continued legal troubles of Anthony Weiner’s Twitter account.  Mr. Weiner’s Twitter account, which goes by its first name, “Chazz”, has been in and out of trouble since mid-2011. Unable to find a job due to possible legal action hanging over him, Chazz has been forced to make ends meet working on click-bait sites and pop-up ads.  The President explained his stance at this morning’s Press Conference.

“Let me be perfectly clear.” explained the President.  “The debt that Chazz owed to society has been paid. And it’s time to move on. Just as it’s time for Chelsea Manning to move on to a career as a pundit on Pacifica Radio or Russia Today or whatever. Just as it’s time for the guy who sold you that Bill of Goods called the Iran Deal to get a seat on the Holocaust Museum Board. This is what Progress looks like, people. Obama Out.”

To get his take on the good news, the Daily Freier caught up with Chazz as he exited a massage parlor in Northwest Washington D.C. We shook hands with Chazz (this is why we carry Purel, BTW) and proceeded to walk and talk about his new lease on life.

“I’m just really thankful for second chances.” explained Chazz as he leafed through a catalog of scented candles and lotions. “Only in America, am I right?”

The Daily Freier asked Chazz if he has been in contact with his former colleague, Anthony Weiner. “Unfortunately, part of the deal is that we stay at least 500 meters away from one another…. well, from each other and from All-Girls Catholic High Schools….. but I really wish him the best. He has a great future in this town. I mean, when you think of it, Trump owes his election to the guy.”

As we parted and said goodbye, Chazz assured us that from now on, all of his tweets would be “on the up and up“.  Then we checked his Twitter feed at 2 AM and saw a tweet to @chelseamanning saying “You up?“