Last Updated 12/31/2017 at 5:00 PM
New York City: Noted progressive critic of Israel and Haaretz contributor Peter Beinart is awfully proud of his humility. Yet even a man as low-key as Peter is about his virtues sometimes needs to let the rest of us know just how awesomely #WOKE he is. So Peter set about building a gigantic Virtue Signal on the roof of his local Food Co-Op. Dubbed the “Sanctimonitor“, this edifice is the first Virtue Signal whose beams can reach past the Earth’s atmosphere into the reaches of Outer Space. Peter explained.
“Today the people of Earth are slowly being acclimated to how virtuous I am. But what about Aliens? Will Extra Terrestrial Life be sufficiently educated to know that I somehow was able to string enough words together to compare the Israeli-Palestinian conflict to the #MeToo Movement? [EDITOR’S NOTE: Yes. He Really Did This.] As a Jew I feel this is important.”
In the process of fact-checking this story, the Daily Freier contacted NASA, who confirmed that the Mars Rover is now regularly receiving Beinart’s articles from the Forward, and that the Voyager II Space Probe just received some of his Tweets supporting Obama’s Iran Deal.
The Daily Freier asked Peter if there were further steps he planned with the Sanctimonitor Virtue Signal.
“We are living in very scary times. Trump, Bibi, Kid Rock. And as a Jew I don’t feel safe. So as a Jew I decided that what everyone needs is an Emergency Virtue Signaling beacon. It fits on your key chain and is intended for situations where you don’t feel sufficiently safe: maybe you are next to a Trump Voter, or a gun owner, or a NASCAR fan, or a Jew who doesn’t believe that Obama was very good for Israel. As a Jew I feel that this would be a very frightening proposition. So as a Jew I built this emergency beacon that will project your virtue to anyone within a 50 foot radius. As a Jew I believe that this will help heal the nation.”
The Daily Freier asked Mr. Beinart if he always adds the phrase “As a Jew I” to the beginning of his sentences, or just when it’s necessary to project his virtue.
“As a Jew I don’t believe I have to answer that question.”
Tehran- The Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps was giddy with anticipation today as they waited for Iran’s Supreme Leader to unveil their newest weapon system to the public. As crowds waited at the bi-weekly “Death to America/Death to Israel Military Parade and Children’s Puppet Show”, the Ayatollah Khameini removed a giant tarp to reveal Iran’s newest missile: the “Ben Rhodes”. Named in honor of the most clever former aspiring novelist to ever serve as a National Security Advisor to Barack Obama, the “Ben Rhodes” is an impressive weapon indeed. The Ayatollah Khameini explained the reasoning behind the name to the press.
By Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 10/22/2017 at 2:30 PM
Qom: Iran’s economy is reeling after news that the Trump Administration will not renew the amazingly-successful-not-at-all-a-suckers-bet Iran Nuclear Deal. The Iran deal, seen as the centerpiece of Barack Obama’s legacy, has now been turned over to Congress for approval or disapproval, thus imperiling Iran’s weekly access to John Kerry’s lunch money. The Daily Freier spoke with Iranian Foreign Minister Mohammed Javad Zarif, who agreed to speak with us “even though you’re calling from the Zionist Entity“.
“I cannot understand such a betrayal.” lamented Minister Zarif. “We had a deal. I considered John a friend. I mean, Just last week I sold him a very nice Persian rug for a very, very good price….. a price reserved only for close friends. Mister Kerry was supposed to drop off his lunch money tomorrow. How could this happen?”
Former Secretary of State Kerry was equally upset. “I find it particularly galling, the lack of nuance and appreciation for the diplomatic process in the Trump Administration. Just last week I was discussing the merits of the Iran deal at the Brookings Institute. And now it’s in grave danger. Worst of all, now that I don’t have a weekly appointment to wash Zarif’s car, my schedule is in tatters.”
As the interview drew to a close, Secretary Kerry had one more question. “The Daily Freier, eh? I find your newspaper’s name fascinating. Just what is a “Freier” anyway?“
Sometimes, when one has received a helping hand …. or as we used to say in Chicago, “a solid“, it can be difficult to truly explain the emotions that one feels. Like gratitude. And that’s kind of the situation where we are right now. And by “we” I mean “you” the people of Israel. and “me” The President of the United States.
Now don’t get me wrong. I’ve done a lot that you can be thankful for. I mean, people have come up with a lot of ideas for peace. Bill Clinton did the whole “Peace Process” thing. And I suppose his idea of gaining the love and trust of the Israeli people before demanding tough concessions was a good idea… for the 90’s.
And I guess George W. Bush had an interesting plan as far as it goes in terms of building a deep personal bond with Ariel Sharon. But what did he get, besides Israel completely withdrawing from Gaza after 40 years and handing it over to the Palestinian Authority? Are you following?
So clearly, this problem was crying out for a new way of doing business. And that’s where I came in.
I know it’s been a while, but let’s look back to 2009 when I flew over here to address the Muslim World and notably didn’t take a detour to say hi to Israel. Brilliance. Or again, for a bit of Chicago vernacular, I flipped the script …. But it gets better.
Remember the Arab Spring? Gotta say, that Mubarak character was a bit of “old hat“. Why not take a spin with the Muslim Brotherhood? As my friend Hillary would say, “What difference does it make?”
Which brings us to Syria. So there’s some folks who said the best path was to just do nothing and keep quiet. Bu that doesn’t represent. Our values. As Americans. And then you had some folks popping off. Saying we should establish a No-Fly Zone. But all of these folks failed to see the Third Approach: lecture and criticize Putin and Assad without actually, like, doing anything to back it up. And bang! We were able to bear witness and hold Putin Assad accountable, without, like, actually having to hold them accountable.
Now when we look at the Iran Deal, a lot of folks said it couldn’t be done. That our positions were too far apart. And then we had some folks. Right here in Israel. And they were popping off about this. Without knowing. All the facts. But they didn’t have the big picture. Which I had. And my Administration showed. That if you just gave Iran everything they asked for plus 20%, that they could be reasonable.
So after spending eight years with someone, you’re able to know what your partner is saying without them saying anything at all. Like that Alison Krauss song that’s so popular with the Deplorables rural folks. So I hear what you’re saying, Israel. And all I have to say, is ‘You’re welcome‘.
Pretty Girl: Hi! My name is Ally!
Young Man: Hi my name is Daniel. But my friends call me Barry. I’m from Hawaii.
Ally: That is so cool!
Daniel: Yes. Yes it is. Say, who is that large angry guy walking over?
Ally: OMG, that’s my ex, Johnny Khameini. He’s in that Karate Gang called Cobrazbullah Kai. I hate him.
Johnny: Hey Ally, whose this tool?
Ally: Johnny, stop!
Daniel: It’s OK, Ally. I can reason with him. Johnny, I understand you may have some legitimate grievances against me. I’ve come to your land and now I’m trying to impose my values on….
[Johnny beats the crap out of Daniel]
Daniel: To be perfectly frank, I deserved that.
[SCENE: Outside a High School Dance. Daniel is running from a gang]
Johnny: I’m gonna kick your ass Daniel!
Daniel: I don’t think you’re being very productive with that kind of talk!
[Johnny and the Cobrazbullah Kai Gang jump Daniel. An old man who looks kinda Japanese but kinda Jewish appears and fights off the attackers]
Daniel: Thank you old man, but I was just about to convince those guys that there are better ways to work out their deep-seated yet legitimate grievances. By the way, what’s your name?
Old Man: I am Mr. Bibiyagi. And you must learn to stand up for yourself and stop being such a…..such a…… Freier.
Daniel: Quite frankly, that kind of popping off is just not helpful.
Mr. Bibiyagi: (Sighs) Here, let me teach you some moves.
[Shows Daniel ‘Wax on, Wax off’]
[Scene: Three Months Later. A Big Karate Tournament.]
Mr. Bibiyagi: Daniel-san, are you ready to spar with Johnny Khameini?
Daniel: Yeah…. about that. Listen, Mr. Bibiyagi. I appreciate your advice, even when, quite frankly, it was wrong. And I know that you think you know a lot about karate. But listen: I once lived in Indonesia for a year. So I know some things that you don’t necessarily know. Anyway, I came up with a better idea, so I don’t believe it’s necessary to spar with Johnny in the tournament. Here it comes right now.
[A forklift enters the arena and drops a pallet of $100 Bills in front of Johnny]
Daniel: Here’s the money, Johnny. 400 Million. So are we cool?
Johnny (laughing): Sure we are, Daniel. Sure we are…..Until next month that is.
Daniel: That sounds fair.
Mr. Bibiyagi: Oy gevalt. [Places head in hands.Walks away]
[Fade to Black]