Tag: Electric Bikes

Training for war, Hezbollah builds realistic model of Tel Aviv that’s unaffordable, full of pot smoke & smells like pee

 October 29, 2017 Training for war, Hezbollah builds a mock-up of Tel Aviv that’s unaffordable, full of pot smoke & smells like peeBy Aaron Pomerantz and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 2/14/2018 at 8:30 PM

Bekaa Valley, Lebanon: With this week’s little misunderstanding with our Northern neighbors, it appears that the region is one step closer to war. Yes, despite last Autumn’s highly effective #IsraelLovesLebanon hashtag campaign, it appears that not everyone is feeling the love. In fact, Iran continues to arm Hezbollah with advanced weaponry, including its latest “Ben Rhodes” Missile. Yet today the Daily Freier discovered an even more serious escalation: Hezbollah has turned an isolated part of the Bekaa Valley into a realistic simulation of Tel Aviv in which to train its troops. In fact, this “Little Tel Aviv” is so realistic, it’s overpriced, covered in cannabis smoke, full of electric bikes, and smells like dried pee. In order to get a better picture of the situation, the Daily Freier interviewed a Hezbollah representative named “Ali” via Skype.

Yesterday, we tested one of our squads on what it would be like to be inserted into the city.” explained Ali. “So they hid out in a cafe until dark and ended up spending all of their allotted funds on 30 Shekel cups of coffee. And when they went outside at nightfall, their bikes had been stolen.”

As Ali continued his description, volunteers were visible in the background chugging large amounts of water and tea in order to help put the finishing touches on the city’s unique aromas. “We had to postpone last week’s exercise after our mortar squad tried to take a shortcut through the Namal port and ran out of funds.” Ali then introduced the mortar team leader, Hassan. “We were moving through the Namal and saw a Shuk, so we said ‘Hey, let’s stop for supplies.’ An hour later we wandered out with 4 white potatoes and a jar of tahina for 150 Shekels….. They said it was organic.”

To make matters worse, Ali revealed that their Logistics Unit quit halfway through the Exercise and decided to form a start-up. “Now they just stand on the roof all day with their shirts off playing ping-pong.

Ali also explained that the problems reached as far as Hezbollah’s Women’s Auxiliary. “Zeynep is one of our sisters in the Resistance who served as a role player in ‘Little Tel Aviv’. But last week she bought a small dog and now she has a fitness-themed Instagram page that tries to sell you nutrition supplements and organic smoothies.”

As we ended the chat, Ali explained that next week their simulated Tel Aviv would receive a massive infusion of people speaking nothing but French.

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“Park Wherever the Hell You Want” permits for 2017 now available for purchase at Israel Post

Tel Aviv Park Wherever The Hell You Want Permits for 2017 Available from Israel PostBy Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 9/18/2016 at 5:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Dizengoff: City residents are reminded that Permits to park wherever the hell they please are now available at all Israel Post locations. The permits, which render a vehicle immune from such mundane concepts as municipal ordinances and the laws of physics, allow the holder to park his or her car totally on the sidewalk, halfway between designated spots, or basically anywhere they think they can fit their vehicle on any given day.  The Daily Freier walked down to the Post Office by Dizengoff and Nordau to see for ourselves and maybe even pick up a permit or two.

Israel Post Regional Manager Yossi P.  greeted us and walked us through the permit concept. “This is a real moneymaker for Cities and Towns across Israel.  Basically, since everyone just does whatever they want with their cars anyway, why not make a few Shekels for Schools and Youth Sports Clubs? The Post Office collects a 5% Commission so it is a real win-win. But as great as this program is, we strive to ensure that it does not take us away from our Core Competency of delivering the Mail efficiently and accurately.”  Then he started laughing.

As we were speaking, Local celebrity Moti C. stopped by to hit on chat with the ladies who work at the Post Office after parking his truck diagonally onto the sidewalk by the bus stop. When the ladies told Moti that he may want to buy a permit today, he reminded them that he won a contest and was thus exempt from Parking Laws for a year.

Permits cost 250 Shekels for 6 months, or 400 Shekels for the year.  While the sales campaign was considered a huge success, some city residents also offered suggestions and advice to improve the program. Alert Local Ronit S. asked Israel Post if maybe they could sell permits next year to exempt electric bicycles from stopping at red lights or for people in their way.

 

 

 

 

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Tel Aviv Woman Suffers Panic Attack After Accidentally Wandering Into Ramat Gan

 

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By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 8/28/2015 at 11:00 AM

Ramat Gan: A Tel Aviv woman was involved in a serious incident today, which could have ended tragically if not for the quick thinking of alert bystanders.  Local realtor Sarit F. suffered a crippling panic attack after accidentally wandering out of Tel Aviv city limits and into Ramat Gan. The Daily Freier talked to Sarit as she convalesced at Ichalov Hospital.

“I had just left Savidor Train Station and was crossing the street.  I must have gotten disoriented by all the construction.  Anyway, I  walked for about ten minutes.  The further I walked, the more confused and scared I got. I mean, the streets became quiet and tree-lined.  The houses looked like they had been built at some point in my lifetime.  At no point was I almost hit by somebody on an electric bicycle.  And there were no signs that a dog had recently relieved itself on the street.  It was horrible. I started to just lose it.  The next thing I know, paramedics were helping me into the ambulance.”

The first-responders credited the quick thinking of passersby for ensuring a happy outcome to this story.  The Daily Freier spoke to some of these Good Samaritans at the scene. “I saw this woman just freaking out in the middle of the street” noted alert local Ronit S. “I used to live in Tel Aviv, so I know the symptoms of ‘Bubble Withdrawal’.  I ran over and gave her some Cofix coffee and then called out for others to help.  So a bunch of people ran over and started to walk five-abreast and speaking French while they almost knocked her down.  Another woman passing by got her cell phone number and code-called her with an opportunity to invest in FOREX……..Then another guy went and peed on the sidewalk.”

In response to this near tragedy, the Tel Aviv Department of Public Safety issued a bulletin to residents listing warning signs that they may be leaving the city and to turn back immediately:

  1. You see a grocery store that offers a wide variety of foods at reasonable prices
  2. You stop at a coffee shop where the waitstaff view themselves as waitstaff and not as actresses, writers, or “about to launch a start-up”
  3. Somebody is wearing a yarmulke
  4. During work hours people are going to or from work or appear in some other way to be gainfully employed
  5. You don’t see any tiny cards on the ground advertising the sex industry
  6. You meet somebody who voted for Netanyahu
  7. There are people on the street who are not walking dogs
  8. You cannot immediately find a yoga studio
  9. You see a man in his 20’s or 30’s who is clean-shaven
  10. Nobody tries to steal your bike
  11. You can’t find Haaretz anywhere

The Daily Freier wanted to stay at the scene longer and conduct more interviews, but being so far from Allenby Street was making us feel kinda not cool and we had to just leave.

City That’s Still Trying to Figure Out Where You Should Ride Your Bicycle is Positive It’s Going to Just Nail This Urban Light Rail Thing

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(Photo Credit: Tomer Appelbaum)

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 8/17/2015 at 1:20 PM

Tel Aviv, Kikar Rabin: Tel Aviv, a city still wrapping its collective head around where you’re supposed to and not supposed to ride your bicycle, is absolutely positive that it can successfully  plan, build, and operate a complex light rail system linking a dense urban core with outlying regions, while adhering to a strict timetable and budget.  The Daily Freier met up outside of City Hall with Dalia G. from the Urban Planning Department to discuss the project.

“Urban light rail is the logical next step for a modern metropolis like Tel Aviv” noted Dalia, as she deftly stepped aside of an electric bicyclist moving down the sidewalk at 20 Kph.  Dalia continued, “I mean, we are the Start-Up nation. Light rail is a logistical challenge well within our capabilities.”  as she expertly pulled the Daily Freier  reporter out-of-the-way of a driver parking his car halfway onto the sidewalk.  When the Daily Freier asked Dalia if perhaps the city might better spend its resources constructing a Central Bus Station that didn’t look like it was designed by a bargain-hunting Klingon pimp , she grew somewhat impatient. “Listen. We are fully capable of integrating light rail into our existing bus and train infrastructure.  I don’t understand your pessimism.  I mean, really. You act like we’re going to release thousands of rats on the city or something.”

Daily Freier Proudly Presents “Freier Bingo”

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Daily Freier Wednesday Supplemental:

Daily Freier is proud to introduce “Freier Bingo”, the reader’s opportunity to compete for valuable prizes while testing just how Tel Aviv you really are.

Instructions:

  1. Print one of the four pre-generated Bingo Cards
  2. Mark off items or events that you see throughout your day
  3. Compete with your friends
  4. Bring your winning card to Zachary the missing tourist on the 2nd Floor of the Dizengoff Center Mall before 5 PM Friday afternoon
  5. Prizes may or may not involve hummus and punch cards for Aroma Coffee.

Kerry Warns Israel That If They Oppose Iran Deal, He Will Personally Deliver 10,000 Electric Bikes to Tel Aviv

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(Photo Credit: TV Center)

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 8/11/2015 at 3:30 PM

WashingtonUnited States Secretary of State John Francis Kerry issued a chilling ultimatum to Israel earlier today according to credible sources.  Per these sources, in a closed-door session Kerry informed Israel’s Ambassador Ron Dermer that if Israel continued to oppose the Iran nuclear deal, that Kerry would personally deliver 10,000 electric bikes to downtown Tel Aviv.  “10,000 effing bikes, Ron.  You think I’m bluffing?  C-17 baby.  I can bring all the electric bikes I want.”  Kerry continued, “I will personally hand out these bikes.  Then just try walking down the sidewalk or crossing the street….. But I’m not finished.  You cross me and my Embassy will sponsor a week-long 24/7 matkot tournament.  With mizrahi pop music.  Lots and Lots of mizrahi pop music.  How you like them apples, Ron?”  Kerry went on to promise that if Israel continues to oppose the deal, he would  kick off the matkot tournament, give away the electric bikes by hand, and then go windsurfing.

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Authorities Interdict Hamas Sleeper Cell in Tel Aviv Disguised as Family Walking Seven-Abreast on Jogging Path While Chatting, Twentysomething Woman Walking Very Large or Very Small Dog, Middle-aged Man at the Beach in Speedos

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By Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 7/26/2014 at 10:30 PM

Tel Aviv- Tragedy was narrowly averted today, thanks to the vigilance of some alert citizens when authorities uncovered a Hamas Sleeper Cell.  In a sign of the growing sophistication of Hamas’ operations, the sleeper cell was designed to mimic groups of people typical to the municipality.  According to interrogations conducted on the agents, this included a family of seven blocking the entire jogging path while they yak about whatever and don’t let you past. In addition female Hamas agents were trained to walk dogs weighing either less than 2 kilograms or more than 50 kilograms while Whats-Apping and holding a large coffee.  Finally, retired heavyset Hamas agents were trained to walk around the beach wearing Speedos.  It was this final part of the cell that ultimately gave them away, as the Speedo-wearing agent was discovered as he tried to exit the sea at Gordon Beach.  Alert resident Ronit S. spoke with the Daily Freier “I was swimming with my girlfriends and I saw this middle-aged guy in a Speedo approach.  When he didn’t suck in his chest, square his shoulders and cock a sleazy look at me and my friends, I knew something was wrong, so I called the police”. Ronit continued ” I mean, WTF?  We’re HOT, Right?” Interrogations of the cell also led authorities to anticipate a sleeper cell disguised as a guy in capri pants wearing a fanny pack, a man on a motorized bicycle heading toward you on the sidewalk at 50 kilometers per hour, and an older Russian speaking woman behind you in the checkout line who definitely wants you to hurry up.