Tel Aviv: OMG this Tama-38 thing is incredible! So this is how it works: A contractor moves all the people in your building into a different apartment for a year or two, knocks down the building, and rebuilds it! You come home to a modern apartment! The contractor builds two additional floors and gets to sell 4 flats. You get an apartment with parking, less mold, and a real kitchen! The city increases the supply of available housing. Everyone’s a winner! Only in Israel!
I mean, it’s really Too easy! We just have to get the 12 Jews who own the apartments here to agree on a multi-year complex financial agreement! What could go wrong? I mean we just have to get together the guy on the first floor who feeds the cats along with the family on the third floor who hates that he feeds cats. And the guy who does his daily motorcycle maintenance in front of your building. Also the family with the mysterious Sephardic cooking smells. And the crazy lady from the ground floor who left her gas on all weekend once.
Let’s not be pessimistic. We’re Jewish, we can do this! It’s just like in synagogue when we agreed to change the time of morning Minyan to…. wait a second, actually we got in a huge fight and half the guys aren’t speaking to the other half anymore…. OK OK…. we’re a miracle in the Desert! We can make this work just like they do in the Knesset! But we are definitely going to get this done. Maybe just to speed things up we could bring in Efficiency Experts from the Misrad HaPnim!
So when is it going to happen? Oh I don’t know, what’s the weather like in Gehinnom this week? Cold? Ha Ha! Just a joke! Actually, you can expect an invite to our renovated flat’s housewarming just in time for the Hanin Zoabi/Matisyahu reggae duet!
Tel Aviv: A million years removed from The Shtetl and Fiddler on the Roof, a survey this week underlined the relationship issues facing many Tel Avivians in the modern Internet Age: An inability to sustain relationships and concentrate on one person at a time as the nation faces an increasingly worrying marriage and demographic crisis.
The Government’s survey of 21-45 year-olds showed 83% of all respondents from Ramat Aviv to Bat Yam reported issues of commitment with many asking the lovely non-judgmental question of “Why are you still single?” on the first date. This was widely considered the death knell for a second date at Cofix.
“I thought it was a pretty legitimate question.” noted Adina, 21. “I mean he WAS 24. And he’s been back from India for almost a year now.”
Anat (40, Givatayim, Pisces) has been one-too-many times on the receiving end of the ever-charming “Why haven’t you had kids yet?“. So last week while on a second date with a serious Sephardi named Itzhik (35, Petach Tivkvah, Bored) she just snapped. “So he asked me why I don’t have kids yet… And I told him that I wasn’t allowed to keep the ones I found loitering outside the AM:PM Store. Apparently he didn’t appreciate the joke…. But at least I was polite. When my cousin Gal’s boyfriend asked her about having children, she told him that she quite liked the way her ‘downstairs’ looked and certainly didn’t want a damn extension.”
But it gets worse. When 24-year old Tali (Neve Tzedek, Aries, Broke) begged to know why 29-year old Liran (His Parents’ House in Ramat Gan) was not in a serious relationship, she was not impressed with his reply that while he enjoyed the thrill of the chase, he only just now realized that Pokemon wasn’t real.
The Internet, which has given birth to a raft of dating apps from Tinder to Grindr, is Cupid’s favorite arrow in Tel Aviv. Yet things seem much better in Jerusalem where couples as young as 36 were celebrating their first child’s Wedding Bar Mitzvah. Maybe it is time for the return of the Matchmaker.
Tel Aviv, Dizengoff: People all over town are excited to welcome new and old friends from the LGBT Community to Tel Aviv this week. In honor of this auspicious event Tel Aviv businesses are festooned with Rainbow Flags to celebrate an a 50% increase in prices. The Daily Freier spoke with Tel Aviv Cultural Affairs Chairperson Safir H. to find out just what this is all about.
“Tel Aviv is a very special place.” explained Safir. “This is the only city in the Middle East where you can enjoy a beer for $11 regardless of how you identify.” Safir pointed to a pub displaying the Rainbow Flag. “And if you see the flag this week, rest assured that if you purchase a drink, you can purchase a second drink for exactly the same price.”
As Safir continued down Dizengoff Street, the Daily Freier noted a sign on a business that said “We are so Proud to Have You“. Safir explained that this sign was a result of budget cutbacks. “This sign was actually shortened due to funding constraints. The original design was ‘We are so Proud to Have Your Money.’ But we had our funding cut and had to improvise. Welcome to Israel.”
As we passed a local eatery, Safir said hello to her friend Yoni the proprietor. “We welcome everybody to our restaurant.” explained Yoni. “Stonewall, ACT-UP, Marriage Equality…these were just steps on the path to me charging you 120 NIS for a Buffet Brunch.”
As the Daily Freier ended the interview and entered a taxi, the tearful driver explained why this week is so special for him. “Tel Aviv is like nowhere else in the world. Today I am celebrating diversity by refusing to turn on my meter! But for 100 Shekels I can drive you to Savidor.“
Disclaimer: No animals were harmed in the making of this article.
By Emily Goldstein
Last Updated 5/1/2016 at 10:00 AM
Tel Aviv, Ben Yehuda Street: It’s been a rough couple of months. You met some real jerks here, like they just find you or something. You gave up on going out to bars, but it’s your friend Ari’s shift, and it’s always fun when she’s behind the bar. And who is this who just sat down next to you? Is he new here? He seems so…. different. Not like the other guys.
So he says that he just came back from Thailand after he finished his Army service. And he wasn’t a jobnik…. he was in a K-9 Unit in the Jordan Valley! So in a few weeks he says he will have his surfing instructor license. And he’s also working in a start-up! You asked him how old he is and he said “35 in dog years”. But that doesn’t even make any sense. And it’s a bit weird that he still lives at home at 35. But whatever.
So now he says he wants to take you to Eilat next weekend. That’s a bit fast. But he’s Israeli. And why does he keep referring to his ex as his “former bitch”. That’s like really sexist.
Wait, Ari is getting you a chaser! Yay! And she’s leaning in to whisper something. “This guy’s a dog.”
“But he seems nice!”
“No. Listen to me. He is….a dog.”
“I think you’re just jealous.”
OK, so now your friend Aurelia is getting your attention. Apparently, he brings a different girl here every night. But just to be discreet, he sits in a different part of the bar.
Tel Aviv- The City’s literary community is in turmoil this evening as publishing giant “The Daily Freier” was forced to perform an embarrassing retraction of an article. The newspaper of record had prepared its daily edition with a humorous yet satirical story about a guy who seeks to sell “someone else’s” pornography collection on the popular website “Secret Tel Aviv”. Yet early this evening officials from the Israeli Bureau of Literary and Publishing Standards served a notice at the Daily Freier’s Central Tel Aviv office that the satirical story that it had just created was identical to a real life event: a guy trying to sell “someone else’s” pornography collection on the popular website “Secret Tel Aviv”.
Officials from the Bureau explained their strict enforcement of the law: “It is very important for the Israeli public that satire stay within the realm of satire and not enter the realm of real world events.” noted Investigator Yair C. “Just last Spring we shut down an operation that had written a satirical piece about a guy who ran a casino with hookers and drugs in the Balkans and then got himself elected to the Knesset.”
For their part, Daily Freier staff were humiliated by the spectacle. “You don’t know how much research goes into each article.” noted ‘Pulse of the City’ section editor Darren B. “This was an incredible oversight on our part. Our interns labor mightily on the Internets to ensure that a satirical event never actually occurred. That way we don’t write a satirical piece about a guy checking Secret Tel Aviv for a Rave Dance Party that offers babysitting. Really though, our biggest fear is that as the posts continue to get weirder and weirder, it is only a matter of time before Secret Tel Aviv becomes a self-aware entity.”
When asked if he had any closing remarks about the unfortunate events today, Darren asked “Say you wouldn’t know if the collection has been sold yet would you? ……Asking for a friend.”
Washington: United States Secretary of State John Francis Kerry issued a chilling ultimatum to Israel earlier today according to credible sources. Per these sources, in a closed-door session Kerry informed Israel’s Ambassador Ron Dermer that if Israel continued to oppose the Iran nuclear deal, that Kerry would personally deliver 10,000 electric bikes to downtown Tel Aviv. “10,000 effing bikes, Ron. You think I’m bluffing? C-17 baby. I can bring all the electric bikes I want.” Kerry continued, “I will personally hand out these bikes. Then just try walking down the sidewalk or crossing the street….. But I’m not finished. You cross me and my Embassy will sponsor a week-long 24/7 matkot tournament. With mizrahi pop music. Lots and Lots of mizrahi pop music. How you like them apples, Ron?” Kerry went on to promise that if Israel continues to oppose the deal, he would kick off the matkot tournament, give away the electric bikes by hand, and then go windsurfing.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.