Tag: Yom Kippur

Start Up Nation, Yom Kippur

Israel adds extra Yom Kippur just for Scooter Riders
“This is your chance to apologize to us.”
(photo credit: Hazel Orpen)

By Yekutiel Bornstein & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 11/11/2019 at 4:30 PM

Tel Aviv: In the greatest change to Judaism in centuries, Israel has added an extra Yom Kippur. Yet it’s reserved specifically for scooter riders, because they suck  their actions have posed a unique challenge to 21st Century Israeli society. Specifically: how does one repent for anti-social behavior if a single Yom Kippur is not enough? The Daily Freier walked over to the Tel Aviv Rabbanut to get all of the facts.

 

We were greeted in the Lobby by Yossi, the Rabbanut’s Director of Community Outreach. We asked him exactly what prompted this drastic action. “The rise of the scooter has affected us all.” he explained. “Bird, Lime, whatever. Remember when electric bicycles were the most annoying vehicle on the sidewalk? Good Times.”

The Daily Freier asked Yossi just how the Rabbanut could possibly change the Jewish calendar. “Why not?” he replied. “We have 3 Election Days this year. What’s an extra Kol Nidre?” Yossi thumbed through the Gemara looking for a specific passage.  “This extra Yom Kippur…. it is a chance for you to repent for being such a… how do I say this without committing Lashon Hara?….. for being such a sociopathic ass.”

The Daily Freier challenged Yossi, noting that anti-social behavior takes many forms. “You raise a compelling point.” Yossi replied, as he pulled another book from the shelf. “Next year, bzrat HaShem, ‘Extra Yom Kippur’ will also apply to people who play matkot on the beach.”

In the spirit of diversity, Daily Freier will also be accepting repentance from those of you who park on the sidewalk.

 

 

Jeremy Corbyn, The Jooz

Corbyn invites Jewish Community to a Reconciliation Dinner on 18 September

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 8/5/2018 at 10:15 PM

London, Islington: Gardening allotment aficionado/Iranian TV Personality/British Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn has decided once and for all to find a way forward with the United Kingdom’s Jewish Community and has thus planned an elaborate reconciliation dinner for the evening of Tuesday September 18th. The Daily Freier caught up with Mr. Corbyn as he was weeding his radishes on the allotment, and he shared his vision with the Daily Freier.

“I am really hoping to put this whole unpleasantness behind us, as I outlined in the message I sent to the Jewish Community on Friday night. But I got to thinking: Why not break bread together, much like I’ve done with my friends in Hamas? And what better night to meet up than Mid-Week in Early Autumn, perhaps Tuesday 18 September after Sundown? We could invite everyone: Ken, Diane, George, maybe even old Roger Waters!”

When the Daily Freier asked Jezz if he had run this idea by any actual Jews, he was quick to point out that Jewish Voice for Labour thought it was “a splendid idea.”

As we wished Jeremy good luck, he asked for our opinion on whether to serve cheeseburgers or scallops.

Judaism, Tikkun Olam, Yom Kippur

Daily Freier sues Orthodox Rabbi planning ‘Yom Kippur in a Bar’ for stealing our dream journal

(Photo Credit: Youtube)

By Yekutiel Bornstein

Last Updated 9/26/2017 at 5:00 PM

Washington, District of Columbia: A prominent local Rabbi was served with a legal summons today, accused by ‘Paper of Record’ the Daily Freier of stealing our dream journal. Rabbi Aaron Potek, leader of the Washington Jewish Community’s “Gather DC” group, is planning to hold Yom Kippur services in a beer garden. Rabbi Potek and former first lady Michelle Obama speechwriter Sarah Hurwitz “will co-host an alternative Yom Kippur service at Sauf Haus Bier Hall and Garten in Washington’s hip Dupont Circle neighborhood”. Which is great and all. Except his ideas bear a suspicious resemblance to theories and concepts first recorded in the Daily Freier’s dream journal and later fleshed out at our weekly staff meeting (also held in a bar, incidentally).  Staff Writer Aaron Pomerantz explains.

“All seven writers for the Daily Freier maintain a dream journal by our respective bedsides that we upload daily to our private Whatsapp Group. So he must have gotten ahold of a hard copy or hacked one of our phones. Either that, or he’s been talking to our therapist.”

When the Daily Freier asked the Daily Freier just what ramifications this theft of intellectual property would have on current operations, Aaron responded. “We were all set to run a satirical article right before Kol Nidre titled ‘Orthodox Rabbi to host alternative Yom Kippur service in beer garden.’  And the story was going to be amazing, complete with a female Reform Rabbi criticizing the Orthodox Rabbi for the whole thing being a bit too much. [REAL WORLD EDITOR’S NOTE: THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED]. Now, through no fault of our own, we have to scrap a great article…. This happens to us more often than you would think.”

Mr. Pomerantz ended his interview with an “Aaron to Aaron” warning to Rabbi Potek: “The Daily Freier is not afraid to pursue full legal measures in order to protect our brand and our intellectual property. Just ask Judge Rachel Freier.”

 

 

Israellycool, Yom Kippur

Hey Dad? Next Yom Kippur Can I Fast “Marwan Barghouti Style?”

Today Jews worldwide are asking their parents, therapists, significant others, rabbis, and spouses whether it would be possible to observe this year’s Yom Kippur” Marwan Barghouti style”: by pretending to refuse to eat, but then secretly eating.

Palestinian prisoner Marwan Barghouti has been described as a leading proponent of non-violent resistance, except, you know, he sort of like ordered the killing of a whole bunch of people and stuff. Anyhoo, Marwan has been leading a Hunger Strike among Palestinian prisoners, but with a really cool twist: he ate candy bars while sitting on his prison toilet when nobody was looking. And he would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those pesky meddling Jews who filmed him in the act of chowing down.

The Daily Freier wanted to learn more about this hot trend of “No Hunger-Hunger Strikes” so we hit the streets of Tel Aviv to speak with real Israelis as soon as they finished walking their dogs, reading Ha’aretz, smoking spliffs, and drinking cafe hafuch.

First the Daily Freier spoke with its very own Lee Saunders to get a proper British take. “I’m quite excited. I’ve literally already planned out my fast for this year….So I won’t eat anything from 8 in the morning until around 11. And then, BAM!, I sneak off to the loo and eat some Jaffa cakes. Brilliant!”

While the Daily Freier was interviewing Lee in a cafe near Gan Meir, we ran into alert local Ronit S. who overheard our conversation and enthusiastically shared her plans for the Day of Atonement. “So I will do Yom Kippur with my parents in Holon. And in the morning I will eat nothing at all, then in the afternoon I take a walk in the forest and eat the falafel that I stashed there the night before!” Ronit thought for a moment and stared into space. “Actually I think this is how my last diet worked.”

The Daily Freier then spoke with local philosopher Tzvi H. as he played ping-pong in Gan Meir. And we asked him a very challenging question: “With Mr. Barghouti’s revolutionary redefinition of not eating, can we as Jews approach Yom Kippur in a similar fashion?” Tzvi thought for a moment. “You pose an interesting question. For how do we now approach not eating when you have the option of enjoying delicious Tortit Brand chocolate bars?” Tzvi shuffled with some papers in his backpack. “Hang on a second, I have other questions about Yom Kippur. Like, I’ve read all of Peter Beinart’s Op-Ed’s this year. Have I suffered enough to get an exemption from fasting?”

Finally, the Daily Freier walked over to the local Rabbanut to get a theological perspective on this new approach to not-eating-while-eating. So we entered the building and asked the first Rabbi we saw: “Can we do a ‘Barghouti’ Yom Kippur? You know, with snacks?” The Rabbi thought for a moment, scratched his beard, consulted a dusty book written in Yiddish, and replied “Sounds like Reform Judaism.”

 

Start Up Nation, Yom Kippur

New Yom Kippur App makes Synagogue attendance Optional

yom-kippur1-e1536835428658(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 10/11/2016 at 11:30 AM

Tel Aviv: Synagogue attendances on the High Holy Days is projected to plummet to new lows after Israeli high-tech has ironically unveiled a new app that allows virtual attendance and charity donations from your mobile phone, once the particular holiday is over.

The controversial new app – known as Yom Kapp – was approved by the Rabbinate, after a generous donation from Vodafone, and was actually released in time for Jewish New Year – Rosh Hashanah. One of the novel features allowed people to upload their synagogue membership, selichot, birth certificate, therapy bills and digitally sign themselves into the E-Book of Life. The files are then emailed during Adon Olam to the Rabbi, a sort of Judge Judy without the humor, and, if approved, you receive the e-book in a PDF which you can save to your phone and take with you to the Pearly Gates, when the time comes. Given our fierce attachment to our mobile phones, MOTT (members of the tribe) will be allowed to be buried with their phones, breaking millennia-old Halachic law, as long as the phones are not NOKIA or anything before an IPhone 4, and contracts have been changed to Pay As You Go.

A bonus feature for Yom Kippur allows absentee Jews to play “What will I eat first?”, a new game allowing them to identify their cravings as soon as the fast has ended. This is automatically linked through GPS to your local Chinese takeaway. A shofar ringtone will be available for one day only and you can leave WhatsApp voicemails with spiritual questions for the Rabbi or polite requests for the cantor to speed up.

Save

Save

Save

Save

Secret Tel Aviv, Yom Kippur

Secret Tel Aviv’s Loyal Readers Promise to spend Yom Kippur wandering the City giving Unsolicited Advice and asking Total Strangers random off the wall Questions

 

Screen Shot 2018-09-18 at 1.30.39 PM(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Yekutiel Bornstein and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 9/22/2015 at 1:00 PM

Tel Aviv, Yirmiyahu- As life in the city of Tel Aviv slowly grinds to a halt in preparation for the solemn occasion of Yom Kippur, loyal readers of the popular site “Secret Tel Aviv” are scrambling to find a way to support one anothers’ need to make snap judgements on other people while also asking total strangers completely off the wall questions.  To this end, a number of readers have banded together and promised to take advantage of the total lack of traffic in order to wander the streets giving unsolicited advice to random passersby and asking other people questions seemingly pulled out of a hat.

“Yom Kippur is a special time, so I can’t wait to go up to somebody I don’t know and tell them about the time the sushi restaurant put shrimp in my order that was supposed to be kosher.“ noted loyal reader Danny F. “Also, if  two people having a discussion on the street, I might interject and imply that one of them doesn’t know what they’re talking about.”

Loyal reader Jessica K. also discussed her plans for the Chag.  “My friends and I are going to walk along Ayalon Highway, and ask anyone if they have a nature-themed jigsaw puzzle they are giving away.  That’s a reasonable thing to ask, right?”

Unfortunately, not everyone on the site seems to be on the same sheet of music.  Secret Tel Aviv regular Matti C. was somewhat confused by all of the activity and planning. “Wait…..so there’s something going on tomorrow?  OMG I need to get on Secret Tel Aviv and find out tomorrow’s bus schedule.”

Save

Save