By Yekutiel Bornstein
Last Updated 9/26/2017 at 5:00 PM
Washington, District of Columbia: A prominent local Rabbi was served with a legal summons today, accused by ‘Paper of Record’ the Daily Freier of stealing our dream journal. Rabbi Aaron Potek, leader of the Washington Jewish Community’s “Gather DC” group, is planning to hold Yom Kippur services in a beer garden. Rabbi Potek and former first lady Michelle Obama speechwriter Sarah Hurwitz “will co-host an alternative Yom Kippur service at Sauf Haus Bier Hall and Garten in Washington’s hip Dupont Circle neighborhood”. Which is great and all. Except his ideas bear a suspicious resemblance to theories and concepts first recorded in the Daily Freier’s dream journal and later fleshed out at our weekly staff meeting (also held in a bar, incidentally). Staff Writer Aaron Pomerantz explains.
“All seven writers for the Daily Freier maintain a dream journal by our respective bedsides that we upload daily to our private Whatsapp Group. So he must have gotten ahold of a hard copy or hacked one of our phones. Either that, or he’s been talking to our therapist.”
When the Daily Freier asked the Daily Freier just what ramifications this theft of intellectual property would have on current operations, Aaron responded. “We were all set to run a satirical article right before Kol Nidre titled ‘Orthodox Rabbi to host alternative Yom Kippur service in beer garden.’ And the story was going to be amazing, complete with a female Reform Rabbi criticizing the Orthodox Rabbi for the whole thing being a bit too much. [REAL WORLD EDITOR’S NOTE: THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED]. Now, through no fault of our own, we have to scrap a great article…. This happens to us more often than you would think.”
Mr. Pomerantz ended his interview with an “Aaron to Aaron” warning to Rabbi Potek: “The Daily Freier is not afraid to pursue full legal measures in order to protect our brand and our intellectual property. Just ask Judge Rachel Freier.”
Today Jews worldwide are asking their parents, therapists, significant others, rabbis, and spouses whether it would be possible to observe this year’s Yom Kippur” Marwan Barghouti style”: by pretending to refuse to eat, but then secretly eating.
Palestinian prisoner Marwan Barghouti has been described as a leading proponent of non-violent resistance, except, you know, he sort of like ordered the killing of a whole bunch of people and stuff.
(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)
By Lee Saunders
Last Updated 10/11/2016 at 11:30 AM
Tel Aviv: Synagogue attendances on the High Holy Days is projected to plummet to new lows after Israeli high-tech has ironically unveiled a new app that allows virtual attendance and charity donations from your mobile phone, once the particular holiday is over.
The controversial new app – known as Yom Kapp – was approved by the Rabbinate, after a generous donation from Vodafone, and was actually released in time for Jewish New Year – Rosh Hashanah. One of the novel features allowed people to upload their synagogue membership, selichot, birth certificate, therapy bills and digitally sign themselves into the E-Book of Life. The files are then emailed during Adon Olam to the Rabbi, a sort of Judge Judy without the humor, and, if approved, you receive the e-book in a PDF which you can save to your phone and take with you to the Pearly Gates, when the time comes. Given our fierce attachment to our mobile phones, MOTT (members of the tribe) will be allowed to be buried with their phones, breaking millennia-old Halachic law, as long as the phones are not NOKIA or anything before an IPhone 4, and contracts have been changed to Pay As You Go.
A bonus feature for Yom Kippur allows absentee Jews to play “What will I eat first?”, a new game allowing them to identify their cravings as soon as the fast has ended. This is automatically linked through GPS to your local Chinese takeaway. A shofar ringtone will be available for one day only and you can leave WhatsApp voicemails with spiritual questions for the Rabbi or polite requests for the cantor to speed up.
(Photo Credit: Motti Kimchi)
By Yekutiel Bornstein and Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 9/22/2015 at 1:00 PM
Tel Aviv, Yirmiyahu- As life in the city of Tel Aviv slowly grinds to a halt in preparation for the solemn occasion of Yom Kippur, loyal readers of the popular site “Secret Tel Aviv” are scrambling to find a way to support one anothers’ need to make snap judgements on other people while also asking total strangers completely off the wall questions. To this end, a number of readers have banded together and promised to take advantage of the total lack of traffic in order to wander the streets giving unsolicited advice to random passersby and asking other people questions seemingly pulled out of a hat.
“Yom Kippur is a special time, so I can’t wait to go up to somebody I don’t know and tell them about the time the sushi restaurant put shrimp in my order that was supposed to be kosher.“ noted loyal reader Danny F. “Also, if two people having a discussion on the street, I might interject and imply that one of them doesn’t know what they’re talking about.”
Loyal reader Jessica K. also discussed her plans for the Chag. “My friends and I are going to walk along Ayalon Highway, and ask anyone if they have a nature-themed jigsaw puzzle they are giving away. That’s a reasonable thing to ask, right?”
Unfortunately, not everyone on the site seems to be on the same sheet of music. Secret Tel Aviv regular Matti C. was somewhat confused by all of the activity and planning. “Wait…..so there’s something going on tomorrow? OMG I need to get on Secret Tel Aviv and find out tomorrow’s bus schedule.”