(*Inspired by a Tweet! )
By Chava Ewa
Last Updated 7/1/2021 at 12:30 PM
Jerusalem: Exciting news is afoot at Israel’s Intelligence Agency, as the Mossad has begun recruiting its newest agents from Israel’s Seminaries. This story seemed too crazy to be real, but according to our local Mossad Agent/avid Daily Freier reader “Yuval”, it’s legit. We caught up with Yuval waiting on line at the Post Office and he filled us in on their new strategy.
“We started out recruiting Yeshiva Bochers but it didn’t really work out.” Yuval explained. “The Frum guys couldn’t gather information because they literally didn’t know how to talk to women and were always staring at the ground….. and the Modern Orthodox guys quickly blew their cover bragging to all the Birthright girls how they were Secret Agents. So now we just recruit Sem girls.“
Yuval introduced us to his newest recruits: Dassie, Shevy and Chavie. Our first question was whether their bulletproof black tights and pleated denim skirts were a uniform issued by the Mossad. “No!” Dassie laughed and explained that she was dressed totally differently from her co-agents. You see, she had bought her skirt at a shop “near the Tachana Merkazayis” while Shevy had bought hers “on Emek…..near fro-yo.” (Editor’s Note: We still don’t know what this means.)
“These girls can be speaking Hebrew, but between their heavy American accents and that yeshivish Ashkenazi pronunciation, nobody understands them!” Yuval enthused. “They can have Top Secret conversations in broad daylight!” Yuval then lowered his voice and asked us if we knew what the word “Koisel” meant. He’s heard the new recruits use it and is genuinely baffled.
Next, we then tested the girls’ powers of deduction by letting them look at our Facebook page for 2 minutes. Chavie pointed to a halfway-obstructed blurry group photo showing a young man standing behind a tree. “That guy’s from Teaneck, he was in Yeshiva with my cousin Yitzie. Give me a second and I’ll find his Shidduch resume and I’ll tell you how many generations back we’re related.”
Finally, we asked these highly-trained girls if they had plans to continue in the Intel field after they finished seminary.
“I dunno, kinda wanted to run a Gan out of my house after I get married.” replied Shevy.
“I’ll probably take a course in OT/PT after I get married.” said Dassie.
“Wait!” said Chavie. “Are you saying that I can still work for the Mossad after I get married and move back to Lakewood?“
Welcome to the Inaugural Episode of Dear Daily Freier, where people who really ought to know better place life-changing decisions in the hands of us, the Daily Freier, a newspaper so petty that it’s