To: Vladimir Putin, President of the Russian Federation
4 Staraya Square
Moscow, Russia 103132
From: Office of the Daily Freier
Tel Aviv Central Bus Station, 4th Floor
Next to the Asian Grocery (Not that one, the other one)
Greetings from Tel Aviv! How are things in Moscow? Cold? We bet! While we still haven’t been to Moscow, we HAVE been to Ulpan Gordon, and it’s kind of similar! Anyhoo,we know you respect people who are direct and to the point (Hi Donald!) , so we will get right to be point:
We know that in the past you have given apartments to random Jews. And, Hey! We are Jews too! And, trust us, we are Random. Plus, our apartment is giving us allergies. It’s like the mold colony has its own personality or something. So we are really counting on you doing us a solid and letting us stay in your new apartment. But we also know you are a businessman, so we are willing to offer terms:
The Daily Freier will run at least one shirtless photo of you per month. With a gun. Or a crossbow. Maybe a photo of you on horseback. Or interacting with wildlife! The sky is the limit! Plus, we will satirize the hell out of Ukraine’s leadership. Just really give them the business. Know what we’re saying? Also, we are willing to pay the Arnona and Va’ad Bayit. Is the Va’ad Bayit OK? Does he actually fix anything? Let us know.
Sometimes, when one has received a helping hand …. or as we used to say in Chicago, “a solid“, it can be difficult to truly explain the emotions that one feels. Like gratitude. And that’s kind of the situation where we are right now. And by “we” I mean “you” the people of Israel. and “me” The President of the United States.
Now don’t get me wrong. I’ve done a lot that you can be thankful for. I mean, people have come up with a lot of ideas for peace. Bill Clinton did the whole “Peace Process” thing. And I suppose his idea of gaining the love and trust of the Israeli people before demanding tough concessions was a good idea… for the 90’s.
And I guess George W. Bush had an interesting plan as far as it goes in terms of building a deep personal bond with Ariel Sharon. But what did he get, besides Israel completely withdrawing from Gaza after 40 years and handing it over to the Palestinian Authority? Are you following?
So clearly, this problem was crying out for a new way of doing business. And that’s where I came in.
I know it’s been a while, but let’s look back to 2009 when I flew over here to address the Muslim World and notably didn’t take a detour to say hi to Israel. Brilliance. Or again, for a bit of Chicago vernacular, I flipped the script …. But it gets better.
Remember the Arab Spring? Gotta say, that Mubarak character was a bit of “old hat“. Why not take a spin with the Muslim Brotherhood? As my friend Hillary would say, “What difference does it make?”
Which brings us to Syria. So there’s some folks who said the best path was to just do nothing and keep quiet. Bu that doesn’t represent. Our values. As Americans. And then you had some folks popping off. Saying we should establish a No-Fly Zone. But all of these folks failed to see the Third Approach: lecture and criticize Putin and Assad without actually, like, doing anything to back it up. And bang! We were able to bear witness and hold Putin Assad accountable, without, like, actually having to hold them accountable.
Now when we look at the Iran Deal, a lot of folks said it couldn’t be done. That our positions were too far apart. And then we had some folks. Right here in Israel. And they were popping off about this. Without knowing. All the facts. But they didn’t have the big picture. Which I had. And my Administration showed. That if you just gave Iran everything they asked for plus 20%, that they could be reasonable.
So after spending eight years with someone, you’re able to know what your partner is saying without them saying anything at all. Like that Alison Krauss song that’s so popular with the Deplorables rural folks. So I hear what you’re saying, Israel. And all I have to say, is ‘You’re welcome‘.
Welcome to the Inaugural Episode of Dear Daily Freier, where people who really ought to know better place life-changing decisions in the hands of us, the Daily Freier, a newspaper so petty that it’s still obsessed with the balloon that floats over Ramat Aviv. Anyhoo, let’s see who answered the call for issues and conundrums to share with total strangers!
Dear Daily Freier: When I was in Jerusalem last week I met a really nice girl on the bus but she got off before I could ask her out. She had brown hair, said she was in seminary, was wearing a denim skirt over tights and her name was Batsheva. Or Elisheva. Something with Sheva. Does this narrow it down for me? I mean how many girls could possibly fit this description?
Yirmiyahu, we are so glad you got in touch, we love to play interfering shiduch at Daily Freier, as you know. There has been a staggering rise in the number of Frum girls from Jerusalem taking aliases lately, many of them sneaking in to fawn over Luke Skywalker in the Force Awakens and taking the bus to see Jerry Seinfeld Live in Tel Aviv. Assuming she was a natural brunette, can you identify the fashionable denim skirt in question? There are only about three hundred thousand in the capital, but we’re really just brainstorming right now. Once identified, can you trace the shop that sells them in Jerusalem and see if they have any clues? True enough there are fewer than Sheva Million Shevas in parts of Jerusalem but it’s a fact that seminaries only admit women whose names are Elisheva, Batsheva, Beersheva, Hapoel Sheva, Shevarnadze, or Sheva Sheva What’s the Weather. Of course she may have been just going to a shiva and not given you her name at all. In which case, wait till the mourning period is over and ask or you could take a pal and go shiva-hopping. Let us know.
Dear Daily Freier:I am so excited about the natural gas we found off the coast! This will solve all of our energy problems, we will get rich, and our standard of living will go up! Things are really looking up! The way I see it, there is NO WAY we could possibly fuck this up.
Joshua- As a people we will rise to the occasion and find a way to fuck this up. Am Yisrael Chai!
Dear Daily Freier: So suppose somebody is the leader of a country somewhere not that far from here. Maybe to the North a few hundred kilometers. And suppose you and another country, let’s call it “Shmisrael”, used to be friends. But suppose you got in a bit of a misunderstanding with this Shmisrael country a few years back. Not saying whose fault it was, but some strong words were said. I mean, like, suppose you yelled at their 80 year old President on stage in Switzerland at a conference and called him a “killer”. Again, not laying blame anywhere. Now suppose you got in a bit of a bind lately, and may have like “shot down” a plane belonging to a country led by a guy who, let’s face it, has been a real jerk lately and said some really hurtful things. Anyway, do you think “Shmisrael” might want to maybe get a shwarma or something? Maybe listen to music or go shopping? I mean, everything’s cool, right?
Asking for a friend.
Putin’s pissed, isn’t he?
Got a Question? Drop us an email at email@example.com and we will be happy to dispense free advice worth every penny.
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.