(Disclaimer: No Mizrahi LGBTQ Indigenous Rights Activists were harmed in the making of this photo)

By Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 5/8/2019 at 12:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Kikar Dizengoff: “Still not Gay Enough for Eurovision”: these are the words that haunt Tel Aviv City Management as they frantically prepare for next week’s extravaganza of bizarre songs and fashion hate crimes celebration of musical diversity and style. With kickoff only days away, the Tel Aviv Municipality Tourism Office has trained a team of experts in order to Gay Up the city. Spokesperson Galit K. described her strategy as we walked around Dizengoff Square looking for a nice brunch place.

“The celebrities coming here is great, but it doesn’t help meet our targeted metrics. I mean, does Madonna even HAVE a following in the Gay community? So we knew we needed outside help.”

The Daily Freier challenged Galit that Tel Aviv seems pretty Gay already, but she was adamant. “You’re making a common mistake. A lot of people have a difficult time figuring out if Someone is Gay or Just Being Israeli. We address this issue every year at Pride Week. That’s why we trained up a team of experts in order to make every day Tel Aviv activities a bit gayer. We really want to thank the Swedish Ambassador for hosting our workshops. We also could not have done this without help from the Technion’s prestigious Streisand Center for Gay Science, who postponed their reverse engineering of that amazing appletini one of them had in the Hamptons two summers ago in order to help us.“

The Daily Freier was able to follow one such expert, Hen Mazzig, as he walked across the city with a clipboard and a bag of accoutrements. We soon passed that statue on the corner of Dizengoff and Frishman. “OK, that statue is just fine as it is.” Hen explained as he switched a cafe’s music selection to Eyal Golan.

We then asked Hen what his biggest challenges were this week. “While most of Tel Aviv is already kinda Gay, there are pockets of the city that just don’t get it.” Hen noted as he handed a restaurant owner a Tax Voucher for any Brunch with Bottomless Mimosas that goes past 1 PM. “Yesterday I saw three guys on the street who clearly haven’t been to the gym in a month. Honestly, for a moment I thought that I was in Jerusalem.“

News of Tel Aviv’s efforts have not gone unnoticed in the Progressive Jewish Blogosphere, with some particularly pointed criticism from some circles. “So wait, is Hen volunteering or getting paid?” asked Forward contributor Eden Washing-Pink. “Because from what I know, Hen has a lot of Shekels.”

“This attempt to gloss over the Occupation with Gayness is problematic and points to deeper issues in Israel-Palestine.” chided Forward editor Mazkeret-Batya Calgon. “I plan to live-blog my critiques of this propaganda.” Mazkeret-Batya then leaned in and lowered her voice. “Also, can you guys help me get free tickets and backstage passes to opening night? I mean, I AM the editor of a Jewish publication on the front lines against anti-Semitism.“

EPILOGUE: In order to promote diversity, Tel Aviv promised that after Eurovision, they would open a nice bar for straight people