Tag: Pride Week

“Still Not Gay Enough”: Tel Aviv’s last-minute Eurovision preparation

(Disclaimer: No Mizrahi LGBTQ Indigenous Rights Activists were harmed in the making of this photo)

By Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 5/8/2019 at 12:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Kikar Dizengoff: “Still not Gay Enough for Eurovision”: these are the words that haunt Tel Aviv City Management as they frantically prepare for next week’s extravaganza of bizarre songs and fashion hate crimes celebration of musical diversity and style. With kickoff only days away, the Tel Aviv Municipality Tourism Office has trained a team of experts in order to Gay Up the city. Spokesperson Galit K. described her strategy as we walked around Dizengoff Square looking for a nice brunch place.

The celebrities coming here is great, but it doesn’t help meet our targeted metrics. I mean, does Madonna even HAVE a following in the Gay community? So we knew we needed outside help.

The Daily Freier challenged Galit that Tel Aviv seems pretty Gay already, but she was adamant. “You’re making a common mistake. A lot of people have a difficult time figuring out if Someone is Gay or Just Being Israeli. We address this issue every year at Pride Week. That’s why we trained up a team of experts in order to make every day Tel Aviv activities a bit gayer. We really want to thank the Swedish Ambassador for hosting our workshops. We also could not have done this without help from the Technion’s prestigious Streisand Center for Gay Science, who postponed their reverse engineering of that amazing appletini one of them had in the Hamptons two summers ago in order to help us.

The Daily Freier was able to follow one such expert, Hen Mazzig, as he walked across the city with a clipboard and a bag of accoutrements. We soon passed that statue on the corner of Dizengoff and Frishman. “OK, that statue is just fine as it is.” Hen explained as he switched a cafe’s music selection to Eyal Golan.

We then asked Hen what his biggest challenges were this week. “While most of Tel Aviv is already kinda Gay, there are pockets of the city that just don’t get it.” Hen noted as he handed a restaurant owner a Tax Voucher for any Brunch with Bottomless Mimosas that goes past 1 PM. “Yesterday I saw three guys on the street who clearly haven’t been to the gym in a month. Honestly, for a moment I thought that I was in Jerusalem.

News of Tel Aviv’s efforts have not gone unnoticed in the Progressive Jewish Blogosphere, with some particularly pointed criticism from some circles. “So wait, is Hen volunteering or getting paid?” asked Forward contributor Eden Washing-Pink. “Because from what I know, Hen has a lot of Shekels.

This attempt to gloss over the Occupation with Gayness is problematic and points to deeper issues in Israel-Palestine.” chided Forward editor Mazkeret-Batya Calgon. “I plan to live-blog my critiques of this propaganda.” Mazkeret-Batya then leaned in and lowered her voice. “Also, can you guys help me get free tickets and backstage passes to opening night? I mean, I AM the editor of a Jewish publication on the front lines against anti-Semitism.

EPILOGUE: In order to promote diversity, Tel Aviv promised that after Eurovision, they would open a nice bar for straight people.

 

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“We’re just as boring as the rest of the city!” Jerusalem LGBT’s march for equality

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 8/3/2018 at 5:45 PM

Jerusalem: With yesterday’s Jerusalem Pride Parade, the city’s LGBT Community stood up as one to show that they can be just as dull as the city’s straight residents. The Daily Freier took the Number 480 Bus up from our hideout on the Coastal Plain to investigate.

The Daily Freier first met up with Dalit and her partner Noga, who proceeded to explain that they really really wanted to plan a great after-party, “But we spent all week at the National Archives studying the Poetry of the Second Aliyah, and just never got around to it.

Next we spoke with a marcher named Avi. “As a Gay Man, I just wanted to show that I also belong in a city with Zero nightlife.” he explained. “This city without a single decent club? It’s my city too.”

Avi’s friend Assaf concurred. “People think that being gay is just party party party…. but it’s not. Being gay should also mean living in a city where everyone is welcome at the Number One Thursday night activity……you know, drinking beer in a Shuk.

The Daily Freier wanted to continue the interview but Assaf said it was 6:30 PM and “getting late” and that he needed to wake up early for tomorrow’s book fair.

Mayhem as Hamas “March of Return” accidentally merges with Tel Aviv Pride Parade

Pride Week March of Return(Editor’s Note: This won’t offend Anybody)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 6/5/2018 at 12:50 PM

Tel Aviv, HaYarkon: There was shock, confusion and blame in the city today when Gaza’s March of Return was diverted through Tel Aviv’s Pride March. LGBT organizers were left bewildered when Hamas militants emerged from the AM:PM on Bograshov dressed in rainbow bandanas, provocatively enjoying lolly ices and flinging their balaclavas in the air like they just don’t care.

Nobody knows exactly how this all happened, although residents in-the-know suspect there is some sort of tunnel on Rothschild. By the time the 200,000-strong parade reached Hayarkon, Islamic Jihad had its own float, waving kites and offering Molotov cocktails to the Bears. Meanwhile, at Charles Clore, drag queens had pinched placards demanding the right to return home. In 40 degree heat, their make up was running.

Miri Regev, Minister for Culture and Sport, profoundly stated: “I have no words, but as long as people are enjoying themselves…. By the way, Have you seen our new pamphlets?

……Although there were some hurt feelings when parade attendees noted that a lot of the Hamas guys looked better in their GRINDR profile pics.

 

 

Pride gone. Now Let’s Get Real

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 7/5/2017 at 11:30 AM

Tel Aviv, Sheinkin: I am sure my dad would be surprised at dating today – he met my mum at a Valentine’s Day disco in Liverpool – asked if she wanted crisps. She did. They were married for 40 years. Maybe it was Bamba.

Today, have we gone completely nuts? The gay world, literally. If a shared love of crisps belongs to a bygone era, at least let technology be accurate. As a sexual navigation app, it fails. Often.

Here’s Juan Carlos, he is from Chihuahua, Mexico. Oh. Does the Number 63 Bus go there? Can I use my RavKav? Waze says no. Once, someone in Cairo messaged me because his GPS said I was around the corner. Maybe we were once ‘one’ in Canaan. But in 2017? Not so much.

As the technological retreat gathers pace, they are now setting up special wards at Ichilov Hospital for people getting carpal tunnel syndrome from swiping through Atraf at 20 profiles per minute. I should know…. I was just in outpatients. Swipe, scroll, drool, click, next. I could not help marvelling at the talking nipples, zooming in on their bathroom mirror to see if they have used Windolene (you can tell a lot about places and people from their bathrooms, they say). And then, the Sears catalogue of the obligatory selfie at the gym – the new photo booth of the 21st century. I tried. Called someone over to help me lift the 50kg bar bell…….. aaaaand that’s why I was really at Ichilov.

Host?” has become the new hello; the winky emoticon as close to a technological marriage as possible. I am rather partial of the little embarrassed one with deformed jazz hands. Spellings go out the window. ‘Have u got plans?’ Yes: You, Me, Shopping, Oxford English Dictionary. If you know how to use a comma, marry me. Just tell me what crisps you want at the wedding.

I am still a little old-fashioned.

Tel Aviv woman intrigued by all the hot, polite guys in town this week

 

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Emily Goldstein

Last Updated 6/4/2017 at 5:15 PM

Tel Aviv, HaMelech George: OMG did you see that guy? I mean even though he isn’t wearing much clothes, what he IS wearing actually matches and wasn’t found on a Tel Aviv park bench. And he’s in A-MA-ZING shape too! Then again,  so are a lot of guys here.

But wait, you’ve sat next to him now for 15 minutes and he’s being so NICE to you. And not a “let me buy you chasers and try to bang you” nice but actually, like, NICE. Come to think of it, it’s been almost a half hour now and he hasn’t even made a move on you. What a breath of fresh air! Normally, a Tel Aviv guy would have already tried to go up your shirt and/or invite you to his cousin’s wedding in Holon next week.

Wait, they’re playing great music now and he wants to dance! OMG pinch me! Not really a Cher fan, but this song is pretty good! And this guy has some amazing moves. Really feeling the vibe between you two right now. OMG do you think he’s going to try to kiss me on the dance floor? I mean, like, as soon as he finishes dancing by himself in the corner.

OK so he didn’t try anything on the dance floor. But that’s totally cool. Again, it’s nice to be with a guy who takes it slow. Wait, his friends from out-of-town just showed up at the bar. And they are all really cute! And not afraid to take risks with fashion! I mean, I don’t think his Canadian friend Steve is even wearing pants. Also, it seems these guys have been friends for a long time. Because they are acting really…. close. But that’s great. Just feeling really relaxed and safe with these guys.

So now the club’s lights are on and everyone is going home. Wonder when he’s going to pull a move on me. Wait, where is he? And where is his friend Danny? I just saw them, where did they go? Maybe he forgot his hat. OK, I will just wait for him outside.

So it’s been three hours now. What the hell?

“But Birthright said Tel Aviv was nothing but hot Army Chicks!”

But Birthright said Tel Aviv was full of hot Army chicks Daily Freier Israel News(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

This is ridiculous. Birthright are a bunch of damn liars.  According to the brochure I should be riding a camel to a hummus restaurant with like two Army girls by now.  But no. This town is crawling with dudes.  If I wanted a sausage fest, I could have stayed in Jersey for the Summer. I just feel cheated. Especially because I talked so much shit to the bros before I left last week. And now I have no good stories.

And where are all these guys’ clothes?  I don’t get it.  I mean it’s hot out, but not that hot.  It’s hardly June.  And what do all of the flags mean? I just don’t get it.  And why is everyone in such good shape?  That dude over there is ripped.  The cuts on his triceps and abs are ridiculous.  I bet he lifts. I wonder what supplements he uses. Creatine maybe?  I should go ask him.

“Is he Gay or just being Israeli?” – a Helpful Guide for Pride Week Visitors

Is he Gay or Just being Israeli? Daily Freier(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Emily Goldstein & Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 6/4/2016 at 3:20 PM

Tel Aviv, HaYarkon: Employees from the  Tel Aviv Municipality Tourism Office continue to distribute a helpful and informative pamphlet to our out-of-town visitors this week: Is He Gay or Just Being Israeli? A Visitor’s Guide to Pride Week“.  Tourism Office Spokesperson Galit K. discussed the initiative with the Daily Freier as we walked along the HaYarkon Promenade.

We see this pamphlet as a true win-win. Sometimes visitors have a difficult time figuring things out here in Israel. So the city stepped in to help.”  Galit pointed toward several men in Speedos on the beach play-wrestling in the sand and grabbing each other.  “Do you see those men?  Now a visitor might have a preconceived notion, but they are in fact just Army buddies…..who clearly wax and pluck……and have an excess of hair gel and highlights…..and appear to be listening to Eyal Golan……OK, I see your point.

Galit continued to explain the initiative. “Do you see the two men over there at the cafe?  One of these men owns Capri pants, loves to dance, has on a silver lycra tank top, and calls his mom twice a day…… And the other one is into dudes.

Galit admitted that the “Is He Gay or Just Being Israeli?” campaign experienced a setback when the entire first batch of pamphlets were taken home to be read by frustrated and confused women who actually live in Tel Aviv, but that more pamphlets are on their way to hotels and hostels throughout the city.  When the Daily Freier challenged Galit on recent reports that the Mossad is jamming the nation’s Gaydar, she quickly told us that she had another appointment and had to end the interview.