DISCLAIMER: This article has been submitted by a guest writer and by no means represents the editorial opinion of the Daily Freier. ‘Cuz we mamash love Nefesh B’ Nefesh. Live the Dream!
By Chava Ewa
Last Updated 10/29/2017 at 3:30 PM
Ramat Beit Shemesh-Aleph: An American Olah-Sorta-Hadasha has served Nefesh B ‘Nefesh with a restraining order, stipulating that the esteemed Aliyah agency stay no less than 500 meters from her parents and “not to try to reach them on Pinterest.” Ramat Beit Shemesh-Aleph resident Sherrie M. has laid down the law with Nefesh B’Nefesh on behalf of her elderly parents. Nefesh B’ Nefesh is now barred from any contact or communication with Sherry’s parents for a period of 10 years. Speaking from her home, Sherrie explained how distressed she was upon learning that a Nefesh representative had spoken at their family Shul and was passing out brochures.
“The fliers said ‘Live the Dream‘. But how do they know what my parents’ dream is? Maybe their dream is to stay in New Jersey and come visit me every four months with three extra suitcases of my online purchases. Did they every think of that? Huh???”
“They’re selfish! They’re only thinking about themselves and their agenda… shame on them for taking advantage of vulnerable older people like that!” Sherrie fumed while browsing Amazon for pumpkin spice k-cups. “You think two cases is enough? Or should I get three? What about Ziplocs?”
Despite all the current drama, Sherrie assured the Daily Freier that she was reasonable and open to compromise. “I would be happy if they spoke with Nefesh once the restraining order is up. Besides, in 10 years Shloimie my oldest boy should be going off to YU. So you know, I will just have Target ship everything to his dorm and he can bring it to me during Spring Break, Summer Break, the Chagim, and Chanukah.”
Using their online package tracer, the Daily Freier was able to follow an Amazon delivery truck to the Teaneck, New Jersey home of Murray and Rhonda, Sherrie’s parents. “Our daughter is a true Zionist pioneer and we are so proud of her. Things are difficult over there. Even Target is afraid to ship to them! So if we can help her by bringing a few things, it’s the least we can do.” explained Rhonda. “Imagine if she had to go to the mall. I mean, those are dangerous places! Our ladies tehillim group has been davening for that poor boy lost in Dizengoff center since 2015. Wait…. did he ever make his way out?“
By Chava Ewa and Mark Levy
Last Updated 9/4/2017 at 3:30 PM
Beit Shemesh: Target just cancelled all of its orders to Israel, and Israelis, especially the ultra-resilient Anglo Olim Community, are collectively LOSING. THEIR. MINDS. According to those Anglo Olim “In the Know”, the cancellation of 20,000 Target orders is an event sufficiently catastrophic to legitimately be described as a Nakba.
“We are weeping, we are praying, we are fasting. Surely this is a sign from HaShem to repent.” lamented Rabbi Shlomo K. of Efrat. “It’s like Tisha b’Av, only here and now. Hashem gave us something amazing and miraculous and suddenly he took it away. And it’s no coincidence that this catastrophe happened right before the High Holidays …. it’s a sign!”
So to the best of our knowledge, here is what happened:
- An affiliate of Target offered free shipping to Israel.
- Apparently, they have never shipped anything to Israel.
- Within 15 minutes, every Israeli had told every other Israeli about the great deal.
- In order not to mess this up for everyone, Israelis prudently placed small ord…. JUST KIDDING! They went nuts and tried to ship swingsets! Also plastic sheds!
- Israeli Customs saw this as an opportunity to levy new taxes, including a “Snack Tax” (really!).
- Target, no doubt feeling a lot like someone who just got talked into buying Dead Sea products at the mall, pulled the plug on the whole thing.
- The Jews went insane on social media.
- The full force of 20,000 Jews complaining crashed the server used by the Facebook Page ‘Living Financially Smarter in Israel’.
Despite the majesty and wonder of Startup Nation, Israelis do not yet enjoy access to the plethora of consumer goods which Target offers. “Whenever my mom comes to visit, I ask her to bring me just a few small things …. you know, like 8 boxes of pumpkin spice k-cups, a new car seat, and 3 kilos of Lawry’s seasoned salt.” explained Rivky B., a resident of Beit Shemesh. “But when my Facebook friends started posting about this free shipping offer, I thought it was a miracle …. surely Moshiach was coming …. or something!”
Rivky’s Israeli-born neighbor Aviva was sympathetic but not surprised. “They really should have been more suspicious, that offer sounded too good to be true.” she said. “But these Anglo Olim, they’ll believe anything. We have a word for that in our language… I don’t know if you’ve heard it, but it rhymes with ‘Tire’. You know, that would be a great name for an online newspaper. “