Tag: Oleh Hadash

The Daily Freier Movie!

Ladies and Gentlemen, the finest 6 minutes of cinema in the history of …. cinema: “American Oleh trapped in Ulpan Gordon for 7 years.

 

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American Oleh trapped in Ulpan Gordon for 7 Years

Jeff Schwartz 2By Yekutiel Bornstein and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 9/27/2016 at 5:45 PM

Tel Aviv, LaSalle: Today the Daily Freier shares a story of setbacks, the Triumph of the Human Spirit, and an inability to memorize basic verb forms. Now entering his 8th year in Kita Bet, Oleh Not-So-Hadash Jeff S. is still unable to pass the end of course exam, and is thus trapped inside of the Ulpan Gordon Language School in Tel Aviv.  The Daily Freier spoke with Jeff during his 10 AM break.

I don’t know what I’m doing wrong” wondered Jeff.  “It just feels like I’m in some sort of rut. I mean, my Hebrew hasn’t really improved since Obama’s first Term, but then again my conversational Russian and French are really getting good!”

Despite Jeff’s failings as a student, the dedicated faculty have not given up on him. When he finally mastered Past Tense Verbs last year, the teachers threw him a party. “It was kind of like a Bar Mitzvah.” explained Ulpan Gordon’s Principal, wiping away tears. “And when he made the Bracha on the wine, he was just as illiterate as he was back in 2009.

Unable to graduate and thus depart the premises, Jeff survives from day-to-day on the snack bar, occasional birthday cake, and emergency rations from the U.S. Embassy Citizens’ Services Section. Various Birthright tours passing through drop off messages from his family, as well as Hebrew flashcards.

The years of isolation have taken their toll on Jeff. He currently makes cultural reference from the 2000’s Decade, to include “Friendster“, “You’re Fired“, and “The OC“. He is currently unaware of Post-First Generation iPhones. His “Arrested Development” quotes are still funny though.

Jeff has become somewhat of an institution at Ulpan Gordon. His current teacher, Shirli, is in fact the daughter of his first teacher in 2009, Nava.  “B’zrat HaShem, some day my granddaughter or grandson will teach him.” mused Nava. Shirli also shared her mother’s affection for Jeff.  “He gets along really well with my family. My five-year old Uri adores him. But lately, Uri’s been expanding his vocabulary and finds their conversations somewhat limited and a bit boring.”

In addition to Jeff’s friendships with the faculty, he has managed to maintain somewhat of a social life as well. In 2010, Jeff dated, married, and got divorced from a French Olah in his class. Nava explained the situation to us. “We held the reception in the auditorium. We had soda, cake, and a slide show. It was actually quite tasteful.” In order to get all sides of the story, the Daily Freier contacted Joane, Jeff’s ex. “I really enjoyed class with Jeff. But he was never there for me to help around the house.”  explained Joane.

Many people wonder just how this tragedy has been allowed to go on so long. The Daily Freier contacted the Misrad HaKlitah (Ministry of Absorbtion) to find out. “Normally, recent immigrants are only granted 5 months of free Hebrew lessons.” explained Uzi, from the Front Desk. “But we really just want to see where this ends up. So every 5 months we extend his benefits.  We actually have a bit of a betting pool going.” Uzi then lowered his voice to a whisper and leaned in closer to us. “By the way, just curious, but when you saw him, was he able to name all of the Hebrew Vowels yet?”

The Daily Freier then contacted Nefesh B’Nefesh to demand answers on how they allowed this situation to continue.  A Dati Leumi woman from their Jerusalem Office named BatSheva or Elisheva or JustSheva answered our phone call. “Whenever an Oleh from North America stays here more than six months without moving back, we consider this a win.  So he’s really good for our statistics.”

UPDATE: The IDF mounted a clandestine operation this evening to rescue Jeff from Ulpan Gordon, as they have a Squad Leader position in their Olah Hadashah Code Talker Unit that needs to be filled.

 

 

 

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Cops Rescue Argentine Oleh from Vegan Expo in Ramat Gan

AFP PHOTO:Jack Guez

(Photo Credit: AFP PHOTO/Jack Guez)

By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 4/10/2016 at 2:40 PM

Ramat Gan: A fast response by police aided by quick thinking bystanders prevented a potential tragedy today at Ramat Gan’s Vegan Expo.  An Argentine Oleh was trapped for several hours within the Expo and was extracted safely an hour ago by a police patrol assisted by a Department Hostage Negotiation team. Natan P. is a recent immigrant who was “looking for the new Rak Basar” when he accidentally stumbled into the Vegan Expo. The Daily Freier was on the scene to get the word on the streets.

According to attendees, Natan entered the Vegan Expo and within minutes began behaving suspiciously. “I saw a guy running from stall to stall shouting gibberish.” explained alert local Ronit S. “A vendor offered him a chicken schnitzel made from vegetable protein.  Then the guy yelled ‘Pollo no es carne! Pollo no es carne!’ When the vendor explained that it wasn’t actually chicken, the guy yelled ‘la milanesa de soja es un insulto a las milanesas!‘. The woman from the tabouleh stand tried to patiently explain that the entire exposition contained only sustainable vegan products for sale, but the guy just stared at her and said ‘pero aún podes tomar cerveza, no?‘ Then he ran toward the tofu vendor who tried to offer him a tofurkey leg.  He snatched the tofurkey leg and tried a bite. Then he punched out the vendor, flipped over a muesli display table and ran away.  As he ran out he tried to capture a pigeon, but it was too fast…… I don’t know why, but weird things always seem to find me when I’m in Ramat Gan.

Concerned citizens called the police, but by the time they arrived Natan had retreated to a stand of trees in the far corner of the Expo, built a small fire, broiled his shoe, and was busy cutting it into an improvised choripán. Police retreated after he menaced them with the frozen tofurkey leg that he had stolen from the kiosk. After roping off a perimeter, a Police hostage negotiation team communicated with Natan by bullhorn from a safe perimeter and finally lured him from the trees with a tray of kebabs and 500 grams of uncooked ribeye steak.

A visibly shaken Natan was taken to Ichalov Hospital for observations and then released to his Aunt and Uncle, who appeared to have brought a picnic basket containing an entire roast.

 

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Protest in Kikar Rabin Demands Answers: Is the Daily Freier Real?

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By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 4/7/2016 at 2:50 PM

Tel Aviv: With the city still reeling from yesterday’s bombshell article exposing the relationship between the FOREX Industry and hookups, concerned citizens are now meeting up in public to demand answers from their elected leaders on today’s burning question: Is the Daily Freier for Real or What???? By this afternoon, hundreds of city residents had gathered in Kikar Rabin to demonstrate their concern and ensure their voices were heard.  The Daily Freier wandered over to help investigate itself.

I don’t know what to think anymore.” stated an obviously distraught Adi H.  “I get all of my news from the Daily Freier.  That’s how I learned that a talking Israeli bird caught spying in Lebanon joined ‘Breaking the Silence’.  Yet none of the so-called ‘real news sources’ would touch the story.

The Daily Freier sucks.” complained  Avi T. “They tell nothing but lies.  They said that Secret Tel Aviv was getting so out of control that it had become a self-aware entity. So I cited them for my Term Paper on Artificial Intelligence at Hebrew University, and my professor failed me.  I [freaking] hate those liars.”

Yet some loyal readers continued to defend the Daily Freier. “It’s a must-read for me.” explained alert local Ronit S. “I mean, weather, horoscope, fashion, everything.  Just last week I was really concerned because an Olah Hadashah was feared missing.  I mean, get this….  she was here for 3 days and STILL HAD NOT STARTED A BLOG!  I know! How crazy is that? So I was really excited when I found out that she was OK and hanging out at Mike’s Place!”

As the story went to print, a prominent national politician volunteered to go undercover in Tel Aviv dressed as a native in order to the bottom of this mystery.

 

 

 

Oleh Hadash Realizes Every Item He Owns Was Found on the Sidewalk

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By Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 2/20/2016 at 12:20 PM

Tel Aviv, Kikar Rabin: Recent American immigrant Doron D. has just had an epiphany: every single piece of clothing, furniture, and kitchenware that he owns was found on the curb or the sidewalk, with the exception of his Yoga Mat, which he got for free off of Secret Tel Aviv.

As an Oleh Hadash, Doron feels as if his actions are in fact honoring his ancestors who lived off the land he walks today. When the Daily Freier asked him for an example, Doron described how he found his mattress. “So I was walking down Ibn Gavriol, and, there it was. Kinda used, but I’ve seen worse.  Usually I would be grossed out by the smell of pee. But then I thought about where I am and what I’m doing with my life, and I realized that this is the Jewish state and the Jewish people didn’t survive for three thousand years by turning up free crap they found on the street.

Despite his good fortune, Doron explained that his thrift has its drawbacks.  “So I had a girl over the other night for dinner and she saw the Osem cardboard display cases that I use as shelves in my living room. She asked me where I got them and I told her that I found them behind the Super Yuda store …..Then she took a cab home because she was tired and had to work in the morning.”

Sometimes Doron’s survival strategy works out in such a way as to create a public Mitzvah. “Somebody on Janglo was giving away a free guitar. So this other girl wanted the guitar because she is going off to study Hebrew at a Kibbutz up North, but I snagged it first.  She’s kinda upset, but I’ve heard her play.  Like EVERYONE on that Kibbutz should thank me. I mean EVERYBODY.

We had a bunch of other questions for Doron, but as we were walking he saw somebody across the street  putting an old denim jean jacket on a park bench and he left without saying goodbye.

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Olah Hadasha Offended that Mossad Agent Using Her UK Passport Wears Sidebangs with Frosted Tips

(Photo Credit: Our friends at the Dubai Police Department)

By Emily Goldstein, with Manu H.

Last Updated 1/24/2016 at 12:30 PM

Ramat Aviv- Recent immigrant Hannah G. is not happy. With the public disclosure that Mossad agents have been using the identities and altered passports of new arrivals from Western European nations, Hannah has learned that her United Kingdom passport has reportedly been used during an operation in a Gulf State. And to make matters worse, the alleged Mossad agent took certain fashion liberties in her passport photo that have left Hannah feeling violated and offended. “So in her passport photo, she somehow manages to wear a hairstyle that combines sidebangs AND frosted tips. Oh and her roots are showing.  I bet she chews her gum like REALLY REALLY loud. This is a nightmare. It’s as If I’ve had my identity stolen. By an Essex girl.

Hannah continued to vent about the ensemble that the un-named agent wore in a leaked hotel surveillance video. “And what she was wearing on the security video??? That blouse is a Hate Crime.”  When the Daily Freier asked Hannah if she also worried about the wider political fallout for ex-pats whose identity had been compromised, Hannah snapped back “I think we are all ignoring the real crime here. She looks ridiculous in that scarf. and SHES USING MY NAME!!!

While the last several days have been personally difficult for Hannah, there has been a silver lining. “On the up-side, I got pulled over for speeding on Ayalon Highway yesterday and the policemen looked at my ID, looked at me, looked at the ID again, gave a discreet salute, and walked off. No ticket! Yay!!

When asked if she had a message for the Mossad Agent who stole her identity, Hannah was adamant. “Hey! Y2K called and it wants its hairstyle back. And oh yeah. I’m judging you right now…..Literally!”