By Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 11/7/2017 at 9:30 PM
The Andromeda Galaxy: Time and Space no longer exist as a concept that we can understand, and it’s all because of Facebook! Today on “Keep Olim in Israel“, a Facebook community dedicated to helping recent immigrants to Israel, there was a post. By an Oleh. Complaining. About complaining Olim. And then people complained about it. Well this was all a bit much for the old Universe, which has lately been straining to keep up with Keep Olim, and at around 7:30 PM local time this evening, the Universe simply imploded, ending existence as we know it.
Reaction to the implosion could be felt across the Israeli Olim Community. Dozens of people posted on Secret Tel Aviv, with the top posts being:
1) “Hey did anyone just hear something?”
2) “When the Universe implodes, is there supposed to be a siren?”
3) “When do the buses start running again?”
4) “Hi my friend is 35 years old, really cute, and single. He is looking for a nice girl to enjoy the implosion of the Universe with. No smokers.”
5) “Can anyone tell me the best breakfast places in Tel Aviv?”
Despite the confusion with the implosion of time and space, there was an up-side as well. Theological questions that were long wondered about finally have an answer. While Jews don’t really believe in Hell, we now know that those who did bad things must spend an eternity sitting on the beach in the middle of an endless matkot tournament. Yet other things make no sense. Somehow despite the end of time and space as we know it, multiple Aliyah blogs continue to exist and somehow continue to generate new content, mostly about how the “big jerk at the Post Office keeps using the time/space continuum as an excuse for why my package from Ali Baba hasn’t arrived yet.”
Also, as the Daily Freier hurtled through the endless void toward Gan Eden, we could have sworn we saw an old bearded guy holding the Book of Mormon.
DISCLAIMER: This article has been submitted by a guest writer and by no means represents the editorial opinion of the Daily Freier. ‘Cuz we mamash love Nefesh B’ Nefesh. Live the Dream!
By Chava Ewa
Last Updated 10/29/2017 at 3:30 PM
Ramat Beit Shemesh-Aleph: An American Olah-Sorta-Hadasha has served Nefesh B ‘Nefesh with a restraining order, stipulating that the esteemed Aliyah agency stay no less than 500 meters from her parents and “not to try to reach them on Pinterest.” Ramat Beit Shemesh-Aleph resident Sherrie M. has laid down the law with Nefesh B’Nefesh on behalf of her elderly parents. Nefesh B’ Nefesh is now barred from any contact or communication with Sherry’s parents for a period of 10 years. Speaking from her home, Sherrie explained how distressed she was upon learning that a Nefesh representative had spoken at their family Shul and was passing out brochures.
“The fliers said ‘Live the Dream‘. But how do they know what my parents’ dream is? Maybe their dream is to stay in New Jersey and come visit me every four months with three extra suitcases of my online purchases. Did they every think of that? Huh???”
“They’re selfish! They’re only thinking about themselves and their agenda… shame on them for taking advantage of vulnerable older people like that!” Sherrie fumed while browsing Amazon for pumpkin spice k-cups. “You think two cases is enough? Or should I get three? What about Ziplocs?”
Despite all the current drama, Sherrie assured the Daily Freier that she was reasonable and open to compromise. “I would be happy if they spoke with Nefesh once the restraining order is up. Besides, in 10 years Shloimie my oldest boy should be going off to YU. So you know, I will just have Target ship everything to his dorm and he can bring it to me during Spring Break, Summer Break, the Chagim, and Chanukah.”
Using their online package tracer, the Daily Freier was able to follow an Amazon delivery truck to the Teaneck, New Jersey home of Murray and Rhonda, Sherrie’s parents. “Our daughter is a true Zionist pioneer and we are so proud of her. Things are difficult over there. Even Target is afraid to ship to them! So if we can help her by bringing a few things, it’s the least we can do.” explained Rhonda. “Imagine if she had to go to the mall. I mean, those are dangerous places! Our ladies tehillim group has been davening for that poor boy lost in Dizengoff center since 2015. Wait…. did he ever make his way out?“
By Chava Ewa
Last Updated 10/17/2017 at 2:30 PM
Judea and Samaria: A Canadian-Israeli Olah has petitioned the American government for U.S. citizenship claiming that all the Israelis on her yishuv already believe that she is American anyway. Rivky K. has lived in a town 15 minutes north of Jerusalem for over 5 years and is known to everyone as ‘Rivky ha-Amerikait’ …even though she is not actually American. “Everyone thinks I’m American and all they want to do is kvetch to me about President Trump.” Rivky noted. “If I have to put up with that every day, I want all the other benefits of U.S. citizenship…isn’t that fair?”
Rivky explained that the misunderstanding happened shortly after she moved to the yishuv. “I went to get my mail, nothing much… just 10 or 12 parcels from Next and Amazon. Svetlana, the doar [post office] lady spoke a bit of English and told me about “all the other nice Americans here” who she knew: Sarah, who had a baking supply store [editor’s note: Sarah is Australian] and Rabbi H. [yep…. South African] and Malka the seamstress [British… of course] Svetlana started calling me ‘Rivky ha-Amerikait’ but I didn’t have the language skills to correct her… so the nickname stuck”
“It’s not my fault! I just wish there was a way I could communicate better with the Israelis here… you know, like if they improved their English or something.” she griped. “But I’m working on it! I have a great idea about setting up some kind of an intensive language-learning school for them… what do you think?“