By Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 11/7/2017 at 9:30 PM
The Andromeda Galaxy: Time and Space no longer exist as a concept that we can understand, and it’s all because of Facebook! Today on “Keep Olim in Israel“, a Facebook community dedicated to helping recent immigrants to Israel, there was a post. By an Oleh. Complaining. About complaining Olim. And then people complained about it. Well this was all a bit much for the old Universe, which has lately been straining to keep up with Keep Olim, and at around 7:30 PM local time this evening, the Universe simply imploded, ending existence as we know it.
Reaction to the implosion could be felt across the Israeli Olim Community. Dozens of people posted on Secret Tel Aviv, with the top posts being:
1) “Hey did anyone just hear something?”
2) “When the Universe implodes, is there supposed to be a siren?”
3) “When do the buses start running again?”
4) “Hi my friend is 35 years old, really cute, and single. He is looking for a nice girl to enjoy the implosion of the Universe with. No smokers.”
5) “Can anyone tell me the best breakfast places in Tel Aviv?”
Despite the confusion with the implosion of time and space, there was an up-side as well. Theological questions that were long wondered about finally have an answer. While Jews don’t really believe in Hell, we now know that those who did bad things must spend an eternity sitting on the beach in the middle of an endless matkot tournament. Yet other things make no sense. Somehow despite the end of time and space as we know it, multiple Aliyah blogs continue to exist and somehow continue to generate new content, mostly about how the “big jerk at the Post Office keeps using the time/space continuum as an excuse for why my package from Ali Baba hasn’t arrived yet.”
Also, as the Daily Freier hurtled through the endless void toward Gan Eden, we could have sworn we saw an old bearded guy holding the Book of Mormon.
(Sort of Based on a True Story, so we sort of changed the names! DM us for the real ones!)
By Emily Goldstein and Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 11/22/2016 at 8:00 PM
Tel Aviv, Savidor: Sincere fan of Israel and Israeli life “Alison” is bound and determined to make Aliyah, but as a Gentile in semi-good standing, she faces a very uphill fight. Yet Alison has never let small details get in the way of her goals. In fact, Alison is now on her way to the Jewish Agency and Nefesh B’ Nefesh in Jerusalem to plead this case under her very unique reading of the Law of Return, specifically the “hands-on support” she provided to a certain lucky dude in the Israel Defense Force’s Golani Brigade off and on for most of last year. The Daily Freier caught up with Alison at Savidor Bus Terminal as she prepared to take a bus to Jerusalem to present her case.
“I honestly don’t know what the big deal is. I mean I love it here. I really like Passover Seders. I love love love Purim. And besides, Nefesh B’Nefesh already decided to accept your Catholic friend from back home who everyone always thought was kinda Jewish anyway. So there’s like precedent and stuff. Also, I can’t wait to start an Aliyah Blog. Nobody ever does that. It will be unique!”
When the Daily Freier challenged Alison that Aliyah is a difficult task even for Jews and must be supported with documentation, she quickly looked us in the eye and cut us off mid-sentence. “Oh, I’ve earned this. Believe me….. I’ve earned this.”
Meanwhile, the Golani soldier at the center of this case who we’ll call “Yonatan”, could not be reached as he was currently on hardship duty, chaperoning a Birthright trip through the Negev. Yet this case has already had dramatic repercussions beyond Golani to units throughout the IDF. Upon hearing of our heroine Alison’s travails, a spokesperson from the Paratroopers indicated that they have extended Liberty next weekend and will be around Tel Aviv by Thursday….plus they have better boots.
UPDATE: In an unexpected bit of good news, the clerk at the Jewish Agency who received Alison’s application also served in Golani so he fast-tracked her Aliyah package……And Oh by the Way, sent her a very…. personal photo…. via fax.