Tag: Olim

“But if my parents make Aliyah, who will shlep my shopping to Israel?” American Olah sues Nefesh B’ Nefesh

Living the Dream Aliyah Nefesh B' NefeshDISCLAIMER: This article has been submitted by a guest writer and by no means represents the editorial opinion of the Daily Freier. ‘Cuz we mamash love Nefesh B’ Nefesh. Live the Dream!

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 10/29/2017 at 3:30 PM

Ramat Beit Shemesh-Aleph: An American Olah-Sorta-Hadasha has served Nefesh B ‘Nefesh with a restraining order, stipulating that the esteemed Aliyah agency stay no less than 500 meters from her parents and “not to try to reach them on Pinterest.” Ramat Beit Shemesh-Aleph resident Sherrie M. has laid down the law with Nefesh B’Nefesh on behalf of her elderly parents. Nefesh B’ Nefesh is now barred from any contact or communication with Sherry’s parents for a period of 10 years. Speaking from her home, Sherrie explained how distressed she was upon learning that a Nefesh representative had spoken at their family Shul and was passing out brochures.

The fliers said ‘Live the Dream‘. But how do they know what my parents’ dream is? Maybe their dream is to stay in New Jersey and come visit me every four months with three extra suitcases of my online purchases. Did they every think of that? Huh???

They’re selfish! They’re only thinking about themselves and their agenda… shame on them for taking advantage of vulnerable older people like that!” Sherrie fumed while browsing Amazon for pumpkin spice k-cups. “You think two cases is enough? Or should I get three? What about Ziplocs?

Despite all the current drama, Sherrie assured the Daily Freier that she was reasonable and open to compromise. “I would be happy if they spoke with Nefesh once the restraining order is up. Besides, in 10 years Shloimie my oldest boy should be going off to YU. So you know, I will just have Target ship everything to his dorm and he can bring it to me during Spring Break, Summer Break, the Chagim, and Chanukah.

Using their online package tracer, the Daily Freier was able to follow an Amazon delivery truck to the Teaneck, New Jersey home of Murray and Rhonda, Sherrie’s parents. “Our daughter is a true Zionist pioneer and we are so proud of her. Things are difficult over there. Even Target is afraid to ship to them! So if we can help her by bringing a few things, it’s the least we can do.” explained Rhonda. “Imagine if she had to go to the mall. I mean, those are dangerous places! Our ladies tehillim group has been davening for that poor boy lost in Dizengoff center since 2015. Wait…. did he ever make his way out?

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Canadian Olah “mildly annoyed” at being mistaken for American

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 10/17/2017 at 2:30 PM

Judea and Samaria: A Canadian-Israeli Olah has petitioned the American government for U.S. citizenship claiming that all the Israelis on her yishuv already believe that she is American anyway. Rivky K. has lived in a town 15 minutes north of Jerusalem for over 5 years and is known to everyone as ‘Rivky ha-Amerikait’ …even though she is not actually American. “Everyone thinks I’m American and all they want to do is kvetch to me about President Trump.” Rivky noted. “If I have to put up with that every day, I want all the other benefits of U.S. citizenship…isn’t that fair?

Rivky explained that the misunderstanding happened shortly after she moved to the yishuv. “I went to get my mail, nothing much… just 10 or 12 parcels from Next and Amazon. Svetlana, the doar [post office] lady spoke a bit of English and told me about “all the other nice Americans here” who she knew: Sarah, who had a baking supply store [editor’s note: Sarah is Australian] and Rabbi H. [yep…. South African] and Malka the seamstress [British… of course] Svetlana started calling me ‘Rivky ha-Amerikait’ but I didn’t have the language skills to correct her… so the nickname stuck”

It’s not my fault! I just wish there was a way I could communicate better with the Israelis here… you know, like if they improved their English or something.” she griped. “But I’m working on it! I have a great idea about setting up some kind of an intensive language-learning school for them… what do you think?

‘Why has G-d forsaken us?’ Israelis calm after Target’s mass order cancellation

‘Why has G-d forsaken Us?’ Israelis react to Target’s mass order cancellationBy Chava Ewa and Mark Levy

Last Updated 9/4/2017 at 3:30 PM

Beit Shemesh: Target just cancelled all of its orders to Israel, and Israelis, especially the ultra-resilient Anglo Olim Community, are collectively LOSING. THEIR. MINDS. According to those Anglo Olim “In the Know”, the cancellation of 20,000 Target orders is an event sufficiently catastrophic to legitimately be described as a Nakba.

We are weeping, we are praying, we are fasting. Surely this is a sign from HaShem to repent.” lamented Rabbi Shlomo K. of Efrat. “It’s like Tisha b’Av, only here and now. Hashem gave us something amazing and miraculous and suddenly he took it away.  And it’s no coincidence that this catastrophe happened right before the High Holidays …. it’s a sign!

So to the best of our knowledge, here is what happened:

  • An affiliate of Target offered free shipping to Israel.
  • Apparently, they have never shipped anything to Israel.
  • Within 15 minutes, every Israeli had told every other Israeli about the great deal.
  • In order not to mess this up for everyone, Israelis prudently placed small ord…. JUST KIDDING! They went nuts and tried to ship swingsets! Also plastic sheds!
  • Israeli Customs saw this as an opportunity to levy new taxes, including a “Snack Tax” (really!).
  • Target, no doubt feeling a lot like someone who just got talked into buying Dead Sea products at the mall, pulled the plug on the whole thing.
  • The Jews went insane on social media.
  • The full force of 20,000 Jews complaining crashed the server used by the Facebook Page ‘Living Financially Smarter in Israel’.

Despite the majesty and wonder of Startup Nation,  Israelis do not yet enjoy access to the plethora of consumer goods which Target offers. “Whenever my mom comes to visit, I ask her to bring me just a few small things …. you know, like 8 boxes of pumpkin spice k-cups, a new car seat, and 3 kilos of Lawry’s seasoned salt.” explained Rivky B., a resident of Beit Shemesh. “But when my Facebook friends started posting about this free shipping offer, I thought it was a miracle …. surely Moshiach was coming …. or something!”

Rivky’s Israeli-born neighbor Aviva was sympathetic but not surprised. “They really should have been more suspicious, that offer sounded too good to be true.” she said. “But these Anglo Olim, they’ll believe anything. We have a word for that in our language… I don’t know if you’ve heard it, but it rhymes with ‘Tire’. You know, that would be a great name for an online newspaper.

Noah returns in new Ark to save us from the Heatwave

Noah's Ark Daily Freier(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 7/5/2017 at 2:30 PM

Tel Aviv: With the mercury in Tel Aviv matching the temperature on Mars, biblical hero Noah has returned to Eretz Yisrael to save locals from the unbearable heatwave.

Today, hoards of confused and melting Tel Avivians were oddly seen rushing INTO the Dizengoff Center Mall AND the Post Office just to get OUT of the heat. Once roads began to crumple and people were being thrown out of the chiller cabinets in Shufersal, the 4700-year-old pensioner decided to act.

Noah and his oldest remaining son, Shem (a mere 4200 years young) have fitted the Convertible Ark Turbo Cruise ship with 2 air conditioning units in each compartment, phone chargers, the Waze GPS Iceberg Locator, and driverless technology.

My hands are still tied by the Torah so I can still only take two of everything – so 2 Israelis (rumors say Gal Gadot has already bagged one spot), 2 stray cats, 2 non-complaining olim, 2 mosquitoes, 2 jellyfish, 2 European backpackers, and 2 girls on Taglit who just love love love Israel. No politicians or HOT Cable customer service representatives are allowed.”

Cabin prices start at NIS 5,000 for a  double. But long lines are expected all the way to Haifa as The Ark, called “Mazgan Miracle II“, is due to set sail tomorrow for Scotland, arriving at its first port in Cardiff before Shabbos.

Philadelphia man celebrates 6th year of being “just about to make Aliyah”

Philadelphia man celebrates 6th year of "just about to make Aliyah" Daily FreierBy Mark Levy and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 4/28/2017 at 3:30 PM

Bucks County, Pennsylvania: With Yom Haatzmaut (Israeli Independence Day) right around the corner, Israelis are celebrating another milestone: the 6th Anniversary of Philadelphia-area resident Jeremy S. being “just about to make Aliyah“. Jeremy, a 29-year-old technical writer and musician, has been “like almost ready” to make the return to Zion since attending a Matisyahu concert in April of 2011 “that like really changed the way I look at life“. The Daily Freier spoke with Jeremy about his on-again/off-again longing for Eretz Yisrael.

“So I’m still like super-stoked to do this.” Jeremy explained, as he ate lunch at a hummus place near Cherry Hill. “But at first it was like, Wait. The Army??? I don’t want to peel potatoes for three years. Maybe if I was promised Intelligence or something. But then there’s my Hebrew. And Ulpan just seems super hard and not really like focused on my needs, you know? Like my friend says it’s full of the French and Ukrainians. So maybe when a lot of Americans start to make Aliyah it will be better for me? I would even do a class with some Canadians.

Jeremy is already on his 3rd Aliyah Counselor, with his first Aliyah counselor rapidly approaching mandatory retirement age. Additionally, half of the people in his original planned Aliyah group have already integrated into society and become so Israeli that in the Spring of 2015 they moved to Berlin for economic reasons.

Jeremy’s Rabbi in suburban Philly has so far written six letters to the Israeli Government attesting to Jeremy’s membership in the Covenant of Abraham. Rabbi Stanley Green, of Congregation Agudath Israel, has become so exasperated with the process that for the latest request he simply took a sheet of Synagogue letterhead and scrawled with a pen “Not again! He’s still Jewish!

Jeremy’s gutsy almost-decision has affected his family as well. His mom Linda joined us via Skype after we helped explain “what all of the buttons on the computer do” and shared her concerns. “As a parent, you never stop worrying about your kids.” Linda explained. “So with the crazy situation over there in the Middle East, and Jeremy almost sort of moving there, well you can imagine my almost sort of anxiety. I’m just concerned that if Matisyahu’s band or those nice girls in A-WA tour the East Coast again this Summer, that Jeremy might take the next step and schedule another Aliyah appointment in Manhattan with Nefesh B’Nefesh. But I’m pretty sure Nefesh started screening his calls some time in 2014.”

Reaction to Jeremy’s slow-motion-Aliyah within the Greater Tel Aviv Community have been rather mixed. North Tel Aviv resident Mark S. explained. “So he subletted my apartment in July 2015 because he was ‘this close‘ to moving here for good.  And at the end he asked if he could leave a bag in my apartment because he was ‘like definitely making Aliyah after the High Holidays.‘ I guess the joke is on me because he didn’t specify the exact year of the High Holidays after which he would make Aliyah. Also I checked the bag last week and it contains parts of a tent, a tea set, a pair of drawstring linen trousers, some old vitamins, and spices from the Shuk.”

While Jeremy remains on the fence in terms of Aliyah, he has not allowed his cold feet to limit his social activism on behalf of the Almost Maybe Possible Future Olim Community. He started a Facebook group called “Keep Almost Olim Almost in Israel” dedicated to the unique needs and issues facing Almost Olim, to include the lack of support provided by Nefesh B’Nefesh for those who have been about to make Aliyah since Obama’s first term. Jeremy is also contemplating going onto Secret Tel Aviv and asking for future free stuff for when he becomes a Lone Soldier.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fake passport ring busted after “American Oleh” brought no Ziploc bags back through Ben Gurion Airport

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 3/1/2017 at 9:30 AM

Ben Gurion Airport: A passport counterfeiting ring based out of the city of Lod was taken down when a supposed recent immigrant (“Oleh Chadash”) exhibited suspicious behavior as he entered Israel’s Ben-Gurion airport after a trip to the United States. Israeli Customs Officer Yael Z. alerted security officials when she noticed something suspicious about a passenger who arrived at her window.His passport said he was an American Oleh” she said. “So I made my customary joke about having nothing to declare except deodorant and Ziplocs. He didn’t laugh. In fact, he looked confused…it’s like he didn’t know what Ziplocs were.  Also, he never complained that Nefesh B’Nefesh wasn’t helping him enough.

A search of the man’s bags revealed no deodorant, no Ziplocs and documents which identified him as Rami K., a 26-year-old Israeli man born and raised in Lod. Rami explained that the passport he had used was a counterfeit, bought from his brother’s friend Shuki. “My passport expired and I needed to travel to New York for my cousin’s wedding. Well…my cousin’s wedding and to get the new iPhone 7.” Rami explained. “Misrad Hapnim wanted 280 shekels for a passport but I knew that Shuki sells them for 160. Or 150 on Fridays just before Shabbat.

Shuki was arrested and his counterfeit passport operation was shut down. Rami served 14 days in jail for passport fraud and is still confused about the whole Ziploc thing. “The customs lady was kidding, right??” he asked. “I mean, it’s just freezer bags… people don’t bring those things from America, do they? That’s just ridiculous.”

Nefesh B’Nefesh brings first plane of post-election whiny Trustafarians to Israel

(TRIGGER WARNING! This article will hurt your feelings.)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 12/6/2016 at 3:30 PM

Ben Gurion Airport, Israel: With the crushing news that in a nation of 300 Million people there is a chance that other people have different ideas than you, America’s progressive Jewish voices have been crying out. The Daily Freier sent its intrepid reporters to the finest Fair-Trade Food Co-Ops in Brooklyn to find out what the deal is.

This isn’t fair! I just can’t believe how racist Florida, Iowa, Pennsylvania, Michigan, Wisconsin and Ohio are! ” complained Aviva C. as she sifted through gluten-free pretzels. When the Daily Freier noted that each of these states voted for Barack Obama just 4 years ago, she countered “Well maybe it’s like adult-onset racism?

That’s it. I’m moving to Israel.” complained Danielle B. “I refuse to live in a country that would let a bombastic womanizing demagogue hold public office.

Others were more circumspect. “Like part of me wanted to stay and like Resist and stuff but I’m kinda scared.” explained Jesse T. as he set up chairs for tonight’s “#NotMyPresident” poetry slam benefit. “There’s just so much scary stuff. It’s almost as if  we need an Amendment to the Constitution that would guarantee each citizen the right to self-defense or something.

So with things heating up at home, and moving to Canada inexplicably not as easy as cancelling a gym membership, some in today’s Progressive Jewish Community are deciding to move to a country that they aren’t totally keen on but which is legally obligated to take in their tuchuses. So Nefesh B’Nefesh has been a bit busy, and triumphantly announced the arrival of the first plane in what is quickly being dubbed “The Trustafarian Aliyah”. Our intrepid reported Yuval managed to hitch a ride home on the flight, and boy does he have some stories to tell.

The flight almost did not take off after several Olim set off the metal detectors at JFK Airport because of all the safety pins they were wearing to show “that they were allies”. But the flight took off, and once they celiac/vegan/gluten issues with the meals got sorted out, the flight actually went quite smoothly.

But once everyone arrived at Ben Gurion, things really got good.  As the newest Israelis worked their way through their in-processing, the lady from the Jewish Agency who prints ‘Teudat Zeut’ National ID Cards reported that her computer had crashed from trying to process all of the hyphenated names and “Native American Spirit Animals” that the Olim insisted be added to their Cards. Additionally, the demand that the ID Cards list preferred pronouns and peanut allergies bogged down the process for several hours. Meanwhile, as the American Olim were being in-processed, a flight of Olim from the Ukraine arrived. Ben K., an actor and artisan beekeeper took the time to explain to a Ukrainian named Sasha that he was also fleeing violence and oppression. Sasha stared at him for a minute without speaking and then wandered off.

The Daily Freier decided to let our newest Israelis get situated, then checked back with the group a few days later. The Madrichim (Counselors) assigned to the team admitted that it was slow-going, but that they had made some progress in explaining that the public bomb shelters and fortified rooms in each building could actually be referred to as “Safe Spaces”. Then we reunited with Jesse from the Food Co-Op, who vented some of his feelings. “So things are alright I guess. But like what’s with all the military stuff? I mean, all these guns everywhere left me feeling… triggered.

Ulpan Hebrew language classes started yesterday as well. And Danielle from the Food Co-Op is totally not having it. “So what’s with the masculine and feminine nouns? I mean, would you like some hummus with your misogyny? Can’t we changed the Hebrew language?” (EDITOR’S NOTE: We wrote this as a joke…. then we read the Washington Post yesterday.) “And Don’t get me started on the Hebrew word for husband. This is NOT. OK.” When asked if she had a message for her new country, Danielle replied “I just want people here to know that I’m offended by everything.

On the bright side, things are looking up for Haaretz.

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