Tag: Travis Kelce

Iran War 2026, Top 10

Top Ten Things That Lasted Longer Than The Ceasefire With Iran

1) Bank Leumi teller’s smoke break when they call your number.

2) The time it takes to get out of Dizengoff Center.

3) Time elapsed since Ben Gvir last suggested said stupid or illegal.

4) The applause on an El Al flight as it lands.

5) How long I must work to afford one beer in Tel Aviv.

6) Taglit Bro describing Israeli breakfast to his friend back home.

7) Sara Netanyahu telling The Help about her academic degrees.

8) Sem Girl giving another Sem Girl directions to the Shuk.

9) The time it takes to translate what the lifeguard at Banana Beach just announced into modern Hebrew.

10) Sarah Tuttle-Singer’s taxi driver provides unsolicited advice to Taylor & Travis for a long marriage.

 

 

 

 

* Our Guest Writer Lee Saunders deigned to show up from England long enough to contribute to this article.

Hezbollah, Top 10

Iran Ambassador’s Top Ten Excuses for having Hezbollah Pager

Imagine our surprise when, Boom, the Iranian Ambassador’s pager blew up and took out one of his eyes yesterday (Dayenu!). Because it doesn’t even make sense. I mean, Hezbollah is an organic Lebanese Resistance Movement. So when Israel blew up its pagers, we were like, ‘Hey, why does Iran have one of Hezbollah’s pagers? They’re not Lebanese!’ But despite the lack of logic of it all, the Daily Freier has soldiered through and delivered you this Cornucopia of random ideas that ran through our head. So Behold: Iranian Ambassador  to Lebanon Mojtaba Amani’s Top Ten Excuses for having a Hezbollah pager.

1) I need Up-To-The-Minute Alerts about when Travis Kelce is going to propose to and/or break up with Taylor Swift

2) Sometimes they need an extra guy to make Minyan.

3) My wife took away my iPhone after she caught me in Mohammed El Kurd’s DM’s.

4) I was putting together an outfit for an 80’s Night.

5) Was listening to Biggie Smalls and just wanted to Keep It Real.

6) Kind of Obsessed with Nino Brown in New Jack City right now.

7) I was getting easily distracted by the Snake game on my 2001 Nokia phone.

8) Threw away my Samsung Galaxy because Robert Malley kept sexting me.

9) The Ayatollah chastised me for my old phone’s Matisyahu ringtone.

10) I am part of a criminal regime that has taken over  Yemen, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon in order to fight Israel to the last Arab.