Tag: Lebanon

Hezbollah, Tel Aviv Living February 14, 2018February 14, 2018

Training for war, Hezbollah builds realistic model of Tel Aviv that’s unaffordable, full of pot smoke & smells like pee

By Aaron Pomerantz and Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 2/14/2018 at 8:30 PM

Bekaa Valley, Lebanon: With this week’s little misunderstanding with our Northern neighbors, it appears that the region is one step closer to war. Yes, despite last Autumn’s highly effective #IsraelLovesLebanon hashtag campaign, it appears that not everyone is feeling the love. In fact, Iran continues to arm Hezbollah with advanced weaponry, including its latest “Ben Rhodes” Missile. Yet today the Daily Freier discovered an even more serious escalation: Hezbollah has turned an isolated part of the Bekaa Valley into a realistic simulation of Tel Aviv in which to train its troops. In fact, this “Little Tel Aviv” is so realistic, it’s overpriced, covered in cannabis smoke, full of electric bikes, and smells like dried pee. In order to get a better picture of the situation, the Daily Freier interviewed a Hezbollah representative named “Ali” via Skype.

“Yesterday, we tested one of our squads on what it would be like to be inserted into the city.” explained Ali. “So they hid out in a cafe until dark and ended up spending all of their allotted funds on 30 Shekel cups of coffee. And when they went outside at nightfall, their bikes had been stolen.”

As Ali continued his description, volunteers were visible in the background chugging large amounts of water and tea in order to help put the finishing touches on the city’s unique aromas. “We had to postpone last week’s exercise after our mortar squad tried to take a shortcut through the Namal port and ran out of funds.” Ali then introduced the mortar team leader, Hassan. “We were moving through the Namal and saw a Shuk, so we said ‘Hey, let’s stop for supplies.’ An hour later we wandered out with 4 white potatoes and a jar of tahina for 150 Shekels….. They said it was organic.”

To make matters worse, Ali revealed that their Logistics Unit quit halfway through the Exercise and decided to form a start-up. “Now they just stand on the roof all day with their shirts off playing ping-pong.”

Ali also explained that the problems reached as far as Hezbollah’s Women’s Auxiliary. “Zeynep is one of our sisters in the Resistance who served as a role player in ‘Little Tel Aviv’. But last week she bought a small dog and now she has a fitness-themed Instagram page that tries to sell you nutrition supplements and organic smoothies.”

As we ended the chat, Ali explained that next week their simulated Tel Aviv would receive a massive infusion of people speaking nothing but French.

Bar Refaeli, Guest Writer Wednesday February 16, 2016July 21, 2019

Guest Writer Wednesday Presents: Knesset Questions Bar Refaeli Over Use of Drones at Wedding

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 2/17/2016 at 6:20 AM

Jerusalem: Israeli supermodel and renowned IDF non-veteran Bar Refaeli was hauled before the Knesset Emergency Committee (KEC) this week to explain how her recent wedding almost dragged Israel into the Syrian civil war and engulfed the country in a fight with Lebanon. Stressed out about the secret wedding photographs being auctioned to trashy magazines, Refaeli bought two drones to hover 1,000 feet above the chuppah in northern Israel in order to deter local and global media attention. When the batteries in the remote control failed, the drones drifted towards Beirut, and the Lebanese militia called in reinforcements. It turned out that Refaeli, who has received free cars, free apartments and was recently under investigation for tax evasion, had not bought the drones but they were actually a remote control airplane with a cellphone camera attached, belonging to her cousin’s neighbor’s former roommate’s eight year-old little cousin Asaf.

Vowing revenge, the fanatical Hezbollah promised no stone would be left unturned in their hunt for the culprits. Unconfirmed reports from local gossip media magazine “Salaam Beirut” alleged that Hassan Nasrallah was aggrieved at not being invited to the wedding. At the moment that orders were given to shoot down the camera-with-wings, Refaeli’s bridesmaids accidentally knocked the remote control out of Asaf’s hands, sending the drone nosediving towards the ISIS-held Syrian village of Beit-al-wadi-forgot-the-rest.

Summoned before the Knesset, she told court reporters: “I am sorry for the balagan, I could not take any chances. I heard one of the religious magazines were sending in under-cover rabbis to officiate and the whole thing made me panic. I am genuinely sorry I never served in the IDF and dodged tax but I never wanted to hurt my country. I didn’t enlist because I felt dating Leonardo Dicaprio and being seen on Fox billboards were good ways to raise Israel’s profile abroad. Am Yisrael Chai.” Before leaving with a suspended fine, she announced that she was pregnant with her first child. Although little Refaeli is not expected until later this year, the nation began to check their bomb shelters and started downloading “Red Alert” in advance.

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Israel's Spy Animals January 31, 2016January 10, 2019

Israel Spy Vulture Released by Lebanon, Joins “Breaking the Silence”

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 1/31/2016 at 10:30 AM

Golan, Gamla Nature Preserve: The accused “Mossad Spy Vulture” captured last week in Southern Lebanon has been returned to Israel with the assistance of the United Nations, but that is not the end of the story. The vulture, who goes by “Eddie”, has decided to join the controversial IDF veterans group “Breaking the Silence”, known for their whistleblowing activities and testimony against Israel.

Not surprisingly, this move has led to quite a bit of animosity with some of his former comrades from the Animal Kingdom. In fact, Eddie and the famous Mossad Spy Dolphin have been busy trading insults on Social Media for much of the weekend. As the war of words escalated, the Daily Freier was able to speak with Eddie via Skype.

“The dolphin? What a showboat. It was always about him. Not only that, but he was also kind of a racist, always reminding me that as a mammal he was more evolutionarily advanced than I was. What a jerk.” Eddie continued to vent about his former comrades. “Oh and by the way….. All the goofy stories about Israel’s spying animals? 100% True. The kestrel that the Turks put through an X-Ray machine looking for spy equipment? Well they should have looked harder. The hummingbird that was interrogated by a Turkish counter-terrorism team? That was us. The sharks that stalked the beaches off of Sinai? Us again. The wild pigs that ravage the West Bank? We release them every night…… But don’t take my word for it……Just Ask President Abbas!!!!!!! The vulture captured by the Saudis in 2011? He’s my cousin by marriage….but we no longer speak. They’re all feasting on a sheep carcass right now near the Kinneret. But do I get an invite? No. Not that I’m bitter. Being a truth-teller is not an easy path.”

In an effort to move on, Eddie plans to tour University campuses along the East Coast as part of an “Interfaith Dialogue and Reconciliation” tour with the Hamas Bumblebee later this Spring

The IDF, Times of Israel December 21, 2015July 21, 2016

IDF: “No Comment” on Bamba Wrappers, COFIX cup found near body of Samir Kuntar

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(AFP PHOTO / LOUAI BESHARA)

By Yuval Weiss

Last Updated 12/20/2015 at 9:30 PM

Tel Aviv, HaKirya: The Israel Defense Force conducted a contentious press conference today, where its spokesperson refused to comment on the empty bag of Bamba snack food and crumpled COFIX Coffee cup found in bushes 50 meters from the site where Samir Kuntar and other Hezbollah-affiliated operatives were ~~fixed up on a blind date with some virgins~~ killed by missiles early this morning. “The IDF has no comment on these so-called snack foods found at the scene of today’s events.”

THIS ARTICLE IS FEATURED TODAY ON THE TIMES OF ISRAEL! READ THE REST OF THE STORY AT:

http://blogs.timesofisrael.com/idf-no-comment-on-bamba-wrappers-cofix-cup-found-near-body-of-samir-kuntar/