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FOREXIUS UPDATE: People Of Tel Aviv! This is satire! We made it all up! Please stop hassling the guy in the photo. He did not say or do the things in this article!

But FOREX still sucks.

Hugs,
The Daily Freier

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By Mark Levy and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 4/6/2016 at 7:50 AM

Tel Aviv, Kerem HaTeimanim: Local guy Tzion likes women. A lot. We mean, like a lot a lot. In fact, on a trip to Rome, a man in the piazza once admonished Tzion to be more subtle and nuanced in his pickup attempts….. But there are things that even he won’t do when it comes to the pursuit of women. Like hook up with a girl who works in FOREX or Binary Options. Tzion sat down with the Daily Freier to explain the moral stand he is taking.

“So everything started fine. We were listening to Johnny Cash songs, and I was explaining to her how each song was really about sex. You might call this crazy, but I call this ‘Tuesdays’ …… And then it gets even better……. She says she wants to meet up later that night but she that she didn’t want a relationship because she was headed to South America tomorrow for 3 months. And her housemates are out-of-town. Oh yeah and she’s a twin.”

“So anyway, after a half hour she told me to meet at her apartment on Balfour but that she had to get up early for work. I asked her where she worked and she said “FOREX” …….. So I told her that I had to take care of a sick friend and then wash my hair. Then I walked home.”

The Daily Freier challenged Tzion on how he could turn down such an opportunity, but he was adamant. “There have to be standards of conduct in society. I mean, if I went home with her, I couldn’t live with myself. FOREX is like selling your soul. And you’re talking to a guy who has changed his IP address 3 times to get around the Administrators of J-Date and their stupid rules about fake profiles.”

Tzion continued to explain his code of conduct. “Look, everyone has issues. I mean, I’ve been banned from Secret Tel Aviv six times. And last year I got busted by the Misrad HaPnim for impersonating an Oleh from Argentina so that I could hook up with French girls in Ulpan. But FOREX and Binary options? That just goes beyond the limits of good taste.”

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Taking a Stand Against Racism, Tel Aviv Man Vows To Also Hit On Foreign Women Daily Freier [Editors Note: When the real-life individual who was the inspiration for this story learned that we wrote this article, he was upset…….that we DIDN’T use his real name! So here it is again, with his real first name! #becauseisrael]

By Emily Goldstein and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 9/6/2015 at 1:30 PM

Tel Aviv, Shuk HaCarmel: Local guy “Tzion” is taking a stand. Taking a stand against racism, xenophobia, and discrimination…..by vowing to hit on women he meets in Tel Aviv regardless of race or background or national origin or even whether or not they seem interested at first. “What can I say?”, noted a shy and modest Tzion as he sized up a group of what appeared to be attractive Italian backpackers. “For me to limit my attention to just one group of women just seems…..bigoted and exclusionary.”

Tzion’s one-man ambassadorship of goodwill has not gone unnoticed. Mexican tourist Yanet V. talked to the daily Freier about her recent encounter with Tzion. “Me and my girlfriends were sitting in this amazing bar off of Allenby which was playing the best music: Johnny Cash, Dionne Warwick, even old Springsteen. So Tzion came over and took the time to patiently explain the meaning of the songs to me. He said that “Ring of Fire” was really actually about sex……Come to think of it, he said that all of the songs were about sex.”

Scandinavian graduate student Caty V. also discussed Tzion’s selflessness. “When I told him I wanted to try scuba diving, it was amazing that he was willing to tell me he had his instructor’s license and that we should go to Eilat for the weekend and do some dives. And also that his cousin was out of the country and we could stay at his place. I mean, I’m not Israeli and he doesn’t even know me that well so for him to volunteer his time like this was just incredible. Plus, Tzion seems kinda religious so I know the fact that his cousin’s studio only has a fold-out futon must make him a bit uncomfortable.”

When the daily Frier called Tzion a mensch and a tzadik, he again turned shy and reserved. “I’m doing my best, but I’m just one man. We can make this world a better place. I mean, imagine if more men in Tel Aviv shared my outlook.”