By Mark Levy and Yuval Weiss
Last Updated 10/19/2018 at 6:00 PM
Tel Aviv, Derech Menachem Begin: Today the Start-Up Nation’s Ministry of the Interior revealed its new slogan: “Better than a Saudi Consulate!“, reminding its customers that despite long lines, unannounced closures, and indifferent service…… your chances of getting taken out by a Saudi hit squad are extremely low. The Daily Freier attended a press conference at their Tel Aviv office after receiving a press invite via fax.
“We are very proud of our customer service standards.” explained Ministry of the Interior spokesperson Nava K. “After negotiations between our Union and the Government broke down last week, we staged an unannounced work slowdown…. But Hey! All of our customers survived! Only in Israel!”
The Daily Freier asked Nava if, much like Israeli carrier El Al, the Ministry was perhaps suffering from low expectations. But she was insistent. “If Mr. Khashoggi had come to our office instead of the Istanbul Consulate, he would still be alive! Of course, he might not have gotten service yet because our computer skipped the number he had taken from the kiosk…. but one should not be too picky. Welcome to Israel!”
As the Press Conference came to an end, Nava announced that the Interior Ministry has begun an Efficiency Campaign for speedier customer service….. led by experts from Israel’s High Speed Rail network.
(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)
By Mark Levy
Last Updated 7/18/2018 at 1:50 PM
Tel Aviv: OMG this Tama-38 thing is incredible! So this is how it works: A contractor moves all the people in your building into a different apartment for a year or two, knocks down the building, and rebuilds it! You come home to a modern apartment! The contractor builds two additional floors and gets to sell 4 flats. You get an apartment with parking, less mold, and a real kitchen! The city increases the supply of available housing. Everyone’s a winner! Only in Israel!
I mean, it’s really Too easy! We just have to get the 12 Jews who own the apartments here to agree on a multi-year complex financial agreement! What could go wrong? I mean we just have to get together the guy on the first floor who feeds the cats along with the family on the third floor who hates that he feeds cats. And the guy who does his daily motorcycle maintenance in front of your building. Also the family with the mysterious Sephardic cooking smells. And the crazy lady from the ground floor who left her gas on all weekend once.
Let’s not be pessimistic. We’re Jewish, we can do this! It’s just like in synagogue when we agreed to change the time of morning Minyan to…. wait a second, actually we got in a huge fight and half the guys aren’t speaking to the other half anymore…. OK OK…. we’re a miracle in the Desert! We can make this work just like they do in the Knesset! But we are definitely going to get this done. Maybe just to speed things up we could bring in Efficiency Experts from the Misrad HaPnim!
So when is it going to happen? Oh I don’t know, what’s the weather like in Gehinnom this week? Cold? Ha Ha! Just a joke! Actually, you can expect an invite to our renovated flat’s housewarming just in time for the Hanin Zoabi/Matisyahu reggae duet!
But definitely before Moschiach!
(photo credit: Wikimedia Commons)
By Mark Levy
Last Updated 6/20/2018 at 5:10 PM
Tel Aviv: Startup Nation has given the world some amazing things: Waze, the cherry tomato, Gal Gadot, the thumb drive. But for every great Israeli idea, rest assured they have come up with some failures. And here they are: the 10 biggest flops of Israeli tech!
- Ara-Mazing: Translate your sexts into Aramaic!
- E-Z Steal: Choose the most convenient time & place to have your bike stolen!
- Gaydar Tel Aviv
- Misrad HaTindr: Match with someone who is also waiting in line at the Ministry of the Interior!
- John Kerry Meetup!: Connects you with other fans of the former Secretary of State in Israel
- AngloWhine: Deletes any texts from your Anglo friends when they’re complaining about something
- Pokémon Pee: An app that finds you a sidewalk in Tel Aviv where nobody has peed yet
- Tag-Lit: Lets Israeli men track the real-time location of every Birthright bus in the country
- Matkot Simulator: It’s as if there’s a matkot game being played one meter away from you!
- The Dizengoff Center Navigation App (Oops! This really exists!)
By Chava Ewa
Last Updated 12/10/2017 at 1:30 PM
Ra’anabananarama: A Canadian Oleh has begun to suspect that his friends are subtly trying to get him to leave Israel so they can get a bargain on his stuff. “I complained on Facebook about a rude clerk at Misrad Hapnim.” David S. said. “What else do you do? You go to the ‘Keep Olim in Israel’ page to kvetch and wait for everyone to invalidate your complaints, tell you to learn more Hebrew, call you a bad Zionist and remind you how difficult things were in 1974 when they did Aliyah. I complained about the clerk and then in frustration said that maybe I should just leave the country.”
Oddly enough, David’s friends began to leave supportive comments about how he shouldn’t put up with such nonsense…. and asking whether he was planning to take his stereo, futon, electric bike, and yoga mats with him when he went back to Toronto.
“Maybe I’m just being paranoid.” confided David. “But my best friend Avi saw my post, so he came over with beer. He was very supportive when I was complaining…..maybe too supportive….. He kept telling me that I don’t deserve such abuse, that maybe I’d be better off back in Canada. When I went to the kitchen to get some napkins, I thought I saw him measuring my couches…. that’s weird, right?”
“They’re lovely couches.” Avi admitted. “The last time I saw such nice couches was at Phillipe’s moving sale. Phillipe? He was my best friend until he moved back to France after a clerk from Bituach Leumi yelled at him….. really nice guy though. You see that bookcase? That was his….also the coffee maker. Oh and that area rug, which really just pulls the whole room together.”
Avi admitted to the Daily Freier that he may have encouraged Phillipe to go back. “Look, if someone treats you badly, you gotta boycott! The only way government agencies will make a change is if Olim stop using them… you know, complain on Facebook and then leave the country in a huff!”
The Daily Freier wanted to try to talk David out of his rash decision, but then we saw his futon, which is almost brand new and would be the first thing in our apartment that we didn’t find on the sidewalk.
(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)
By Chava Ewa
Last Updated 3/1/2017 at 9:30 AM
Ben Gurion Airport: A passport counterfeiting ring based out of the city of Lod was taken down when a supposed recent immigrant (“Oleh Chadash”) exhibited suspicious behavior as he entered Israel’s Ben-Gurion airport after a trip to the United States. Israeli Customs Officer Yael Z. alerted security officials when she noticed something suspicious about a passenger who arrived at her window. “His passport said he was an American Oleh” she said. “So I made my customary joke about having nothing to declare except deodorant and Ziplocs. He didn’t laugh. In fact, he looked confused…it’s like he didn’t know what Ziplocs were. Also, he never complained that Nefesh B’Nefesh wasn’t helping him enough.”
A search of the man’s bags revealed no deodorant, no Ziplocs and documents which identified him as Rami K., a 26-year-old Israeli man born and raised in Lod. Rami explained that the passport he had used was a counterfeit, bought from his brother’s friend Shuki. “My passport expired and I needed to travel to New York for my cousin’s wedding. Well…my cousin’s wedding and to get the new iPhone 7.” Rami explained. “Misrad Hapnim wanted 280 shekels for a passport but I knew that Shuki sells them for 160. Or 150 on Fridays just before Shabbat.”
Shuki was arrested and his counterfeit passport operation was shut down. Rami served 14 days in jail for passport fraud and is still confused about the whole Ziploc thing. “The customs lady was kidding, right??” he asked. “I mean, it’s just freezer bags… people don’t bring those things from America, do they? That’s just ridiculous.”
UPDATE: People Of Tel Aviv! This is satire! We made it all up! Please stop hassling the guy in the photo. He did not say or do the things in this article!
But FOREX still sucks.
The Daily Freier
By Mark Levy and Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 4/6/2016 at 7:50 AM
Tel Aviv, Kerem HaTeimanim: Local guy Tzion likes women. A lot. We mean, like a lot a lot. In fact, on a trip to Rome, a man in the piazza once admonished Tzion to be more subtle and nuanced in his pickup attempts….. But there are things that even he won’t do when it comes to the pursuit of women. Like hook up with a girl who works in FOREX or Binary Options. Tzion sat down with the Daily Freier to explain the moral stand he is taking.
“So everything started fine. We were listening to Johnny Cash songs, and I was explaining to her how each song was really about sex. You might call this crazy, but I call this ‘Tuesdays’ …… And then it gets even better……. She says she wants to meet up later that night but she that she didn’t want a relationship because she was headed to South America tomorrow for 3 months. And her housemates are out-of-town. Oh yeah and she’s a twin.”
“So anyway, after a half hour she told me to meet at her apartment on Balfour but that she had to get up early for work. I asked her where she worked and she said “FOREX” …….. So I told her that I had to take care of a sick friend and then wash my hair. Then I walked home.”
The Daily Freier challenged Tzion on how he could turn down such an opportunity, but he was adamant. “There have to be standards of conduct in society. I mean, if I went home with her, I couldn’t live with myself. FOREX is like selling your soul. And you’re talking to a guy who has changed his IP address 3 times to get around the Administrators of J-Date and their stupid rules about fake profiles.”
Tzion continued to explain his code of conduct. “Look, everyone has issues. I mean, I’ve been banned from Secret Tel Aviv six times. And last year I got busted by the Misrad HaPnim for impersonating an Oleh from Argentina so that I could hook up with French girls in Ulpan. But FOREX and Binary options? That just goes beyond the limits of good taste.”
(Photo Credit: Nefesh B’Nefesh)
By The Daily Freier Staff
Last Updated 1/18/2016 at 2:30 PM
Tel Aviv Sarona- With the #StartupNation announcing yesterday that they are finally phasing out the mandated use of fax machines for communication with government offices, state employees are learning that sexts can not only be sent by facsimile machine, but my modern cellular phones as well.
A comprehensive training session was conducted for all employees in the Tel Aviv metropolitan area at the Government Building on Derech Menachem Begin today. Experts brought in from Histadrut explained the nuances of modern inappropriate behavior to the attentive crowd. One employee asked if they were allowed extra paid breaks throughout the day for sexting by phone. Another employee asked if they were required to send SMS sexts in triplicate. A third employee asked whether someone who purchased a phone in Haifa would be allowed to sext in Tel Aviv or whether they would have to purchase a phone locally before being allowed to do so.
Long term employees, recalling the infamous “Re-runs of Dallas and Chill” fax scandal from the 1980’s, seemed amused by the new technology. Nava K, who has worked at the Misrad Hapnim since 1982, marveled at the changes. “For years we’ve been sexting by fax, and before that by punch cards filled out inappropriately. But SMS? It’s a whole new world!” she noted with a sly grin.
Despite the announcement of the changeover, it is definitely still “Business as Usual “ for now. Alert local Ronit S. related her recent experience. “So I faxed some Arnona receipts and bank statements last week to the Taxation and Revenue office and waited for a response. And yeah….I got a response” she noted as she held up with disgust a fax with a blurry black and white, out of focus, yet still very much “Not Safe For Work” picture signed “Call Me, Yoni 053-372-5295.” (When the Daily Freier called the number, it appeared to also be a fax line) Ronit continued; ” I still don’t know how he managed to get the paper intake to……” Then she turned away, grossed out at the whole spectacle “…….never mind.”
Efficiency Experts estimate that the transfer over to inappropriate sexual banter from fax to SMS will be completed some time after the new Light Rail line goes operational.