Tag: Misrad HaPnim

“They want me to make Yerida because they want my Stuff!” Canadian Oleh now suspicious of his friends

They want me to make Yerida because they want my stuff by the Daily FreierBy Chava Ewa

Last Updated 12/10/2017 at 1:30 PM

Ra’anabananarama: A Canadian Oleh has begun to suspect that his friends are subtly trying to get him to leave Israel so they can get a bargain on his stuff. “I complained on Facebook about a rude clerk at Misrad Hapnim.” David S. said. “What else do you do? You go to the ‘Keep Olim in Israel’ page to kvetch and wait for everyone to invalidate your complaints, tell you to learn more Hebrew, call you a bad Zionist and remind you how difficult things were in 1974 when they did Aliyah. I complained about the clerk and then in frustration said that maybe I should just leave the country.”

Oddly enough, David’s friends began to leave supportive comments about how he shouldn’t put up with such nonsense…. and asking whether he was planning to take his stereo, futon, electric bike, and yoga mats with him when he went back to Toronto.

Maybe I’m just being paranoid.” confided David. “But my best friend Avi saw my post, so he came over with beer. He was very supportive when I was complaining…..maybe too supportive….. He kept telling me that I don’t deserve such abuse, that maybe I’d be better off back in Canada. When I went to the kitchen to get some napkins, I thought I saw him measuring my couches…. that’s weird, right?

They’re lovely couches.” Avi admitted. “The last time I saw such nice couches was at Phillipe’s moving sale. Phillipe? He was my best friend until he moved back to France after a clerk from Bituach Leumi yelled at him….. really nice guy though. You see that bookcase? That was his….also the coffee maker. Oh and that area rug, which really just pulls the whole room together.

Avi admitted to the Daily Freier that he may have encouraged Phillipe to go back. “Look, if someone treats you badly, you gotta boycott! The only way government agencies will make a change is if Olim stop using them… you know, complain on Facebook and then leave the country in a huff!

The Daily Freier wanted to try to talk David out of his rash decision, but then we saw his futon, which is almost brand new and would be the first thing in our apartment that we didn’t find on the sidewalk.

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Fake passport ring busted after “American Oleh” brought no Ziploc bags back through Ben Gurion Airport

(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By Chava Ewa

Last Updated 3/1/2017 at 9:30 AM

Ben Gurion Airport: A passport counterfeiting ring based out of the city of Lod was taken down when a supposed recent immigrant (“Oleh Chadash”) exhibited suspicious behavior as he entered Israel’s Ben-Gurion airport after a trip to the United States. Israeli Customs Officer Yael Z. alerted security officials when she noticed something suspicious about a passenger who arrived at her window.His passport said he was an American Oleh” she said. “So I made my customary joke about having nothing to declare except deodorant and Ziplocs. He didn’t laugh. In fact, he looked confused…it’s like he didn’t know what Ziplocs were.  Also, he never complained that Nefesh B’Nefesh wasn’t helping him enough.

A search of the man’s bags revealed no deodorant, no Ziplocs and documents which identified him as Rami K., a 26-year-old Israeli man born and raised in Lod. Rami explained that the passport he had used was a counterfeit, bought from his brother’s friend Shuki. “My passport expired and I needed to travel to New York for my cousin’s wedding. Well…my cousin’s wedding and to get the new iPhone 7.” Rami explained. “Misrad Hapnim wanted 280 shekels for a passport but I knew that Shuki sells them for 160. Or 150 on Fridays just before Shabbat.

Shuki was arrested and his counterfeit passport operation was shut down. Rami served 14 days in jail for passport fraud and is still confused about the whole Ziploc thing. “The customs lady was kidding, right??” he asked. “I mean, it’s just freezer bags… people don’t bring those things from America, do they? That’s just ridiculous.”

Tel Aviv Man Turns Down Hookup “Because She Works in FOREX”

FOREXIUS

UPDATE: People Of Tel Aviv! This is satire! We made it all up! Please stop hassling the guy in the photo. He did not say or do the things in this article!

But FOREX still sucks.

Hugs,
The Daily Freier

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By Mark Levy and Aaron Pomerantz

Last Updated 4/6/2016 at 7:50 AM

Tel Aviv, Kerem HaTeimanim: Local guy Tzion likes women. A lot. We mean, like a lot a lot. In fact, on a trip to Rome, a man in the piazza once admonished Tzion to be more subtle and nuanced in his pickup attempts….. But there are things that even he won’t do when it comes to the pursuit of women.  Like hook up with a girl who works in FOREX or Binary Options. Tzion sat down with the Daily Freier to explain the moral stand he is taking.

So everything started fine. We were listening to Johnny Cash songs, and I was explaining to her how each song was really about sex.  You might call this crazy, but I call this ‘Tuesdays’ …… And then it gets even better……. She says she wants to meet up later that night but she that she didn’t want a relationship because she was headed to South America tomorrow for 3 months. And her housemates are out-of-town. Oh yeah and she’s a twin.

So anyway, after a half hour she told me to meet at her apartment on Balfour but that she had to get up early for work.  I asked her where she worked and she said “FOREX” …….. So I told her that I had to take care of a sick friend and then wash my hair.  Then I walked home.

The Daily Freier challenged Tzion on how he could turn down such an opportunity, but he was adamant. “There have to be standards of conduct in society.  I mean, if I went home with her, I couldn’t live with myself. FOREX is like selling your soul. And  you’re talking to a guy who has changed his IP address 3 times to get around the Administrators of J-Date and their stupid rules about fake profiles.”

Tzion continued to explain his code of conduct. “Look, everyone has issues. I mean, I’ve been banned from Secret Tel Aviv six times. And last year I got busted by the Misrad HaPnim for impersonating an Oleh from Argentina so that I could hook up with French girls in Ulpan. But FOREX and Binary options? That just goes beyond the limits of good taste.”

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As Israeli Government Finally Phases Out Fax Machines, State Employees Learn that Sexting Can Also Be Done From a Phone

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(Photo Credit: Nefesh B’Nefesh)

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 1/18/2016 at 2:30 PM

Tel Aviv Sarona- With the #StartupNation announcing yesterday that they are finally phasing out the mandated use of fax machines for communication with government offices, state employees are learning that sexts can not only be sent by facsimile machine, but my modern cellular phones as well.

A comprehensive training session was conducted for all employees in the Tel Aviv metropolitan area at the Government Building on Derech Menachem Begin today. Experts brought in from Histadrut explained the nuances of modern inappropriate behavior to the attentive crowd. One employee asked if they were allowed extra paid breaks throughout the day for sexting by phone. Another employee asked if they were required to send SMS sexts in triplicate. A third employee asked whether someone who purchased a phone in Haifa would be allowed to sext in Tel Aviv or whether they would have to purchase a phone locally before being allowed to do so.

Long term employees, recalling the infamous “Re-runs of Dallas and Chill” fax scandal from the 1980’s, seemed amused by the new technology. Nava K, who has worked at the Misrad Hapnim since 1982, marveled at the changes. “For years we’ve been sexting by fax, and before that by punch cards filled out inappropriately. But SMS? It’s a whole new world!” she noted with a sly grin.

Despite the announcement of the changeover, it is definitely still “Business as Usual “ for now. Alert local Ronit S. related her recent experience. “So I faxed some Arnona receipts and bank statements last week to the Taxation and Revenue office and waited for a response. And yeah….I got a response” she noted as she held up with disgust a fax with a blurry black and white, out of focus, yet still very much “Not Safe For Work” picture signed “Call Me, Yoni 053-372-5295.” (When the Daily Freier called the number, it appeared to also be a fax line) Ronit continued; ” I still don’t know how he managed to get the paper intake to……” Then she turned away, grossed out at the whole spectacle “…….never mind.”

Efficiency Experts estimate that the transfer over to inappropriate sexual banter from fax to SMS will be completed some time after the new Light Rail line goes operational.

 

New Google Glass-Israel Edition Cause Everything You See Here To Make Sense

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(Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

By The Daily Freier Staff

Last Updated 12/18/2015 at 1:30 PM

Herzliya Pituach: Start-Up Nation has done it again, as Google unveiled the new “Israel Edition” of its famed Google Glass franchise.  Google Israel spokesperson Dalit K. addressed an excited tech media at the company’s Herzliya campus.

With our new Israel Edition of Google Glass, the absurd things that happen to a user here are received as images, broken down into data packages, reconfigured, and received by the user’s eyes as normal every day activity. But we want to test it, so we will now drive the Google Bus around Greater Tel Aviv giving the Israeli public a chance to experience “Google Israel Glasses” first hand.”  The Daily Freier was lucky enough to tag along on this historic ride through Tel Aviv with the Google Bus.

“OMG these are Amazing!!!” shared recent Olah Rachel C.  “So right now I’m driving into the Namal Port Shopping Outlet and a heavyset 50-year-old shirtless guy holding a clipboard is now directing traffic. So I am just going to stop, slip on my Google Israel glasses, wait for the man to wave me on, and keep driving! Problem solved!  Thank you, random shirtless guy!  And thank YOU, Google Glass- Israeli Edition! Hey…. can I borrow these for a few minutes?  I need to go online and check Secret Tel Aviv!”

The Google Bus then stopped at Tel Aviv Savidor Central Train Station and spoke with commuter Yonatan S. while he debited his “Rav-Kav” transit pass at a kiosk. “So the money I load for the trains on my Rav-Kav can’t be used for buses in Tel Aviv….which can’t be used for buses in Jerusalem…which can’t be used for inter-city buses. Oh and you only have space for 8 different transportation companies. So I put on the glasses, and, <bang!> it was like, “Of COURSE it’s like that…. You know, I should’ve gotten these a long time ago.”

The Daily Freier was then able to render assistance to several confused Dutch tourists.  “I do not understand. We traveled from Ben Gurion and got out at Savidor because everyone said it’s the Central Train Station.  But it isn’t actually central to ANYTHING! What the hell?” cried a confused and exhausted Esmee G.   At this point the Daily Freier handed Esmee a pair of Google-Israel Glasses and she calmed down immediately and rallied her friends. “OK guys, let’s walk to our hotel on Hayarkon Street.  It’s only 2 miles.  Thank you Google Israel Glass!”

Not everyone was impressed with the glasses.  Alert local Ronit S. disdainfully tried on the glasses. “OK big deal. Whatever. Nothing’s changed.  What a rip-off…..Hey, I gotta go.  I need to get these documents to the Ministry of the Interior before they close at noon. And they only accept them by fax.

Based on the early success of their “Israel Glasses”, Google plans a new version specifically for Haaretz subscribers called “The Amira” that make everything that one sees  appear to be caused by “The Occupation” and basically all our fault.

The first copies of Google-Israel Glasses will be available at participating stores early next week, except for people who have gone on Birthright, who apparently for years have been issued them the moment they get off the plane.

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