Ramat Gan: The police force in the same country that somehow tracked down and captured notorious Nazi Adolph Eichmann in Argentina says that it’s “like this close” to finding and investigating its first Binary Options office in Ramat Gan, a location so remote that it takes over an hour to walk there from Tel Aviv City Hall. Binary Options, which is sort of like the Stock Market except the Brokers steal all of your money every damn time more complicated, is an industry that is so low-key and hidden from view that one company posted a recruitment advertisement on Facebook with a woman dressed as a vampire, the company’s Logo, and the slogan “Predators work at night.” The Daily Freier sat down with Police spokesperson Mickey G. to learn more about some of the unique hurdles facing the police force on this case.
Sinai Peninsula: A Tel Aviv-based startup has launched a hot new dating app called Al-Qaedate. At first blush, it seems to be quite similar to Tinder (pictures, swiping, matching, chatting), but as explained to us by one of the developers, Ido, it’s obviously NOT.
“The dating scene in Sinai is quite hot, but the opportunities are dry.” explained Ido as we met him for a cup of coffee near Azrieli Center. “That’s why we launched Al-Qaedate. One of the key features of the app is that it’s designed for both sheep and human, and they have equal opportunities to swipe left or un-match those whose behavior turns shady or inappropriate.”
Just to be sure, The Daily Freier went down to the dusty paths of Sinai to find out what’s going on for ourselves. Once there, we met up with recent ISIS recruit Achmad, a big fan of the app. Achmad introduced us to his current sheepfriend, whom he met thanks to the new app. She asked to be referred to in this story by her Online Profile “WadiGirlRepresenting” because her family is “like super old-school“. WadiGirl explained what drew her to the app. “Guys around here are ridiculous. This one guy seemed nice, but he swiped right on me and then the next week on one of my girlfriends from back at the Oasis. I mean, we’re in the same flock…..We talk.” Then WadiGirl’s conversation turned to a more serious subject. “I just got out of a toxic relationship with a guy from al-Nusra” she disclosed as her voice cracked. “I’m looking for someone who has real feelings and respects me as a sheep, not as someone just to pass time with.” Achmad encouragingly hugged WadiGirl and whispered something in her ear.
Other members of ISIS have high expectations on the new app, too. “I used to be on Tinder, but most of the sheep look nothing like their pictures.” noted Hasan. “No full body shots, just angles and side views. Or pictures with their girlfriends from the same flock. How can I guess who she is? And why do they always write ‘Serious Guys Only?’ I’m not ready for commitment. I mean, life’s been hectic recently…..drone strikes, schisms within Jihadist organizations based on whether to immediately pursue a Caliphate, stuff like that. I just hope this new app offers more choices.”
Back in Tel Aviv, we confronted the Management of Al-Qaedate for aiding the Enemy and told them that they were bringing more shame to Israel than any other business. But then they reminded us about FOREX.
Anyhoo, Secret Tel Aviv being Secret Tel Aviv, the readers reacted with a mixture of shock and anger that….. JUST KIDDING….. the men of Tel Aviv went on Full RED ALERT and sprang into action, replying with such important questions as:
Does the apartment have a dishwasher?
As a flatmate, I can also bring a kitten.
Pick Me I’m Jewish!
Can I bring my Barbie Dolls?
Despite the story seeming to be just an innocent request for a live-in sex object, the truth is far more sinister: the entire set-up was simply a ruse by a woman who works in the Human Resources section of a prominent FOREX company in Ramat Gan, and the men who responded found themselves not in a Get-Your-Freak-On scenario, but a Binary Options Job Interview. The Daily Freier waited outside the Apartment and conducted Exit Interviews with the traumatized men of Tel Aviv as they learned the bitter truth.
As he left her apartment, local guy Shai (from the coffee kiosk) said “I’m into experiments, but this pushed my boundaries WAY too far. I might be a submissive, but I’m not into Cold-Calling torture!”
We then spoke with recent French Oleh David as he skulked away in shame. “I walked into the interview thinking I was, how do you say, ‘Overqualified?’ Because I am… French? But I’m into bondage, not Binary Bondage.”
Yet there was somebody who DID seem OK with the arrangement, but wished to remain anonymous. The Daily Freier asked the Mystery Man if he had any comments. “Yeah, can you adjust my leather collar? It’s itchy.”
We actually volunteered to check out all of the details of the arrangement. Just as advertised, They DO provide lunch and breakfast. There ARE good showers on site. If you work night-shift, there ARE beds. The only thing we couldn’t figure out was…..uhhhhh….. this:
Gehenna: The recent FOREX/Binary Options Expo in Cyprus was by all accounts a fun event for all attendees, but word has leaked that Cyprus was not the Industry’s first choice. Industry gossip pointed to a previously booked venue. FOREX, a niche of the Investment World where the House always seems to win, has gotten a little bad press lately. And responding to published reports, Hell acknowledged today that they cancelled a reservation previously booked by FOREX. The Daily Freier went to Hell (as has been suggested through previous reader feedback) to get the whole story.
THIS ARTICLE IS FEATURED TODAY ON THE TIMES OF ISRAEL! READ THE REST OF THE STORY AT:
Tel Aviv, Rothschild: Hamas leadership was forced into a radical strategic rethink on Monday after a coordinated operation saw a Gaza-based squad emerge confused and bewildered from three underground tunnels in the centre of Tel Aviv.
The first of the 72-kilometre tunnels was revealed when three Hamas terrorists smashed through bedrock into the basement of Dizengoff Center. Buried amidst last season’s thongs from Victoria’s Secret, ripped denim shorts from Castro and a Kiddush cup stuffed with Sarah Netanyahu’s tax receipts, one of the baffled terror operatives did manage to crawl through hoards of Eyal Golan CDs and copies of Moshe Katsav’s autobiography. He then made the all-too-common mistake of taking the escalator up to the third floor and emerged immediately back in the basement where yawning security guards were waiting for him.
Police were quick to the scene of the second tunnel, which broke through the cycle lane on the always-busy Rothschild Boulevard. The Al-Jamal brothers from Gaza City were bowled over by three hoverboards, a skateboard, a triple buggy, a unicycle, a dog walker with 15 breeds on one leash and two elderly ladies headed for the opera at Habima. The Al-Jamals are being treated for PTSD and mild head injuries at Ichilov hospital.
And as Tel Aviv continued with its late Spring bustle, a gaping concrete hole appeared underneath local fraudsters Goldman Bank De Binary. With the Waze GPS app pressed to his ear, a bandana-wearing Musharraf Al-Hussein appeared with a pack of worn-down toothpicks as packs of Olim went straight for his pockets, forcing him to buy shares in global corporate stalwart McCoca-Packard.
Local Tel Aviv police spokesperson Avram W. added: “It appears Al Hussein has applied for a commission-only job in Binary while the Dizengoff tunnellers were excited to have been given minimum wage positions as Customer Liaison Officers by Cofix.”
The security breach was reliably reported by the BBC as “Israel illegally detains Palestinian archaeologists”.
A Hamas spokesman added: “Their missions were merely fact-finding intelligence missions. They remain on the payroll and we hope to see them return in time for the gold fountains we are naming after them.”
UPDATE: People Of Tel Aviv! This is satire! We made it all up! Please stop hassling the guy in the photo. He did not say or do the things in this article!
But FOREX still sucks.
Hugs, The Daily Freier
By Mark Levy and Aaron Pomerantz
Last Updated 4/6/2016 at 7:50 AM
Tel Aviv, Kerem HaTeimanim: Local guy Tzion likes women. A lot. We mean, like a lot a lot. In fact, on a trip to Rome, a man in the piazza once admonished Tzion to be more subtle and nuanced in his pickup attempts….. But there are things that even he won’t do when it comes to the pursuit of women. Like hook up with a girl who works in FOREX or Binary Options. Tzion sat down with the Daily Freier to explain the moral stand he is taking.
“So anyway, after a half hour she told me to meet at her apartment on Balfour but that she had to get up early for work. I asked her where she worked and she said “FOREX” …….. So I told her that I had to take care of a sick friend and then wash my hair. Then I walked home.”
The Daily Freier challenged Tzion on how he could turn down such an opportunity, but he was adamant. “There have to be standards of conduct in society. I mean, if I went home with her, I couldn’t live with myself. FOREX is like selling your soul. And you’re talking to a guy who has changed his IP address 3 times to get around the Administrators of J-Date and their stupid rules about fake profiles.”
Tzion continued to explain his code of conduct. “Look, everyone has issues. I mean, I’ve been banned from Secret Tel Aviv six times. And last year I got busted by the Misrad HaPnim for impersonating an Oleh from Argentina so that I could hook up with French girls in Ulpan. But FOREX and Binary options? That just goes beyond the limits of good taste.”
Tel Aviv, Namal: Multiple Pro-Israel bloggers have begun publicizing the fact that Anti-Israel activists such as Max Blumenthal, Code Pink, and Students for Justice in Palestine are using the Israeli Platform Wix for their websites. And Wix is getting a bit annoyed…. at the Pro-Israel Activists! Wix Spokesperson Noam D. addressed the media at a Press Conference today at their Namal Port location.
” So yeah. Jewsnews? Israellycool? Daily Freier? You just publicly mocked clients of ours. Paying. Clients. I know this seems weird to some of you bloggers, but some of us on the Internet actually, like, make money and stuff.”
Noam was asked if she had a message for the Internet’s Israel Advocacy community. “Do I have a message for the Hasbarah Jamboree? Yeah sure I do……Hey guys, STFU!”
When asked for her personal opinion on the BDS organizations using the Wix platform, Noam replied, “Whatever. It’s not like we’re selling FOREX.”
Live from Tel Aviv. This is like Satire and Stuff.