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By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 5/2/2017 at 10:30 AM

Tel Aviv, Gordon Beach: Israeli Security Agency Shin Bet pooped a brick and a half this morning when Donald Trump’s Air Force One accidentally appeared in the country’s Independence Day aerial flyover.

The whole Middle East held its breath as the U.S. President’s private jet, returning from a photographic tour of the Hezbollah Gorillas In the Mist, suddenly veered left, pirouetted and somersaulted into the Israeli Air Force’s procession up the Mediterranean coast.

The crowd ooooohed and aaaaahed but it was clear that the annual display was only supposed to feature F-35’s, F-52’s, B-52s, Commodore 64s, paper planes, the helicopter from the A-Team, the Starship Enterprise, the hot air balloon starring Wonderwoman Gal Gadot, and a drone owned by patriotic forgetful taxpayer/model Bar Refaeli. Incidentally, United Airlines was not invited. And El Al was late. And then, out of nowhere, a plume of orange smoke sent terrified beachgoers diving for cover.

The Donald, unusually defensive, tried to defuse the situation: “Why the fuss? Melania didn’t believe me that Israel was the size of New Jersey. I wanted to show her. Happy 69th Birthday Israel. 69 is the best number. Just the best. I love that number and believe me, I have had a lot of numbers. #69” tweeted the U.S. President, with a winky emoji.

Never one to reveal too much, Press Secretary Sean ‘I’m-calm-now‘ Spicer added: “Afterwards, the President had a very lively, I mean friendly, chat with Israeli PM Benjamin No-you-can’t-do-too-yoo-hoo. We are also planning to display the might of the US Air Force…. in a surprise flyover… starting in Washington DC at 8pm on Saturday…. after the Trumps come back from a celebratory dinner on the Champs-Élysées with the Le Pens, Les Pens, the Pens, Ha Penim. Whatever. With fountain pens and stationery. Damn it. I don’t know. It’s been 105 days. And I’m tired.”

North Korea’s little dicta-doll, Kim Wrong Un almost choked on his Sausage and Egg McMuffin in disbelief.

#goingtohellinahandbasket
#hunkerdownandprayfordaylight

By Lee Saunders

Last Updated 4/15/2017 at 9:30 PM

Ben Gurion Airport: There may be crippling strikes, constant davening, and 16 bags per person, but El Al this week succeeded in dislodging United Airlines as America’s favourite airline.

In a poll conducted by the World Wrestling Federation, El Al took top spot for customer service, ahead of previously lovable United Airlines, whose staff, it emerged, are trained in Krav Maga. In violence not seen since Saving Private Ryan, a man was ripped out of his seat and schlepped down the aisle. Speculation that the doctor had removed his seatbelt before the seatbelt sign was turned off proved untrue as his seat was soon filled by trolley dolly Britney, who was, ‘like, late for her shift and had, like, a party to go to’.

A delighted El Al spokesperson said: “While we are thrilled that our aggressive apathy is the new norm, we would draw the line at such aggression shown by United. That is usually reserved for our nation’s Post Office. Also, in Israeli culture, being dragged down the aisle means something else…. Usually, you have 12 months till you need to give them grandchildren.”